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-   -   Just justification (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=244379)

Eir 24-02-2017 11:55 PM

Just justification
Have you ever done something for someone else, knowing it's gonna trigger you? That it's gonna **** you up six ways from Sunday, but you can't bring yourself to deny them.
I did this recently and now I'm a great big ball of shame, self loathing and confusion.

I'm thinking of self harm almost constantly. I can't shower right now cos I doubt I'd be able to resist. I keep thinking of ways to hide it. It's a good thing I'm living with my brother rather than on my own, or even with a friend, otherwise things may have happened and I think it would get out of hand if I was in that situation.

Trying to distraction myself with reading. Chose a ****** up fan fiction, and can't even bring myself to not finish it.

My finances are out of control. I'm stuck as an AIN until July. Hating myself for being interested in a coworker. Hating myself for wanting to hurt myself. Hating myself for not hurting myself.

I'm thinking I shouldn't see thirty one. Only when I remember that my birthday is soon. Otherwise it's just thinking of ways to hurt myself and "get away with it"

Can't bring myself to msg my counsellor for an appointment. Can't imagine trying to explain why I did what I did. Can't face the disappointment in me she would have. I figure I'm a bit unhinged even thinking she would be, cos logically I know she would just help me figure out how to deal with it. But I can't waste her time, I knew it was wrong for me, and did it anyway. That's not the action of someone who truly wants to get better.

Don't even know why I'm writing this. Probably just to get it out. Stop myself from doing what I desparately want to do, at least for a little while.

Gonna take one of my sleepers and hopefully only wake up for work. No more reading. No tempting shower. Just chemical unconsciousness.

Sketchy 25-02-2017 02:32 AM

Things sound difficult, but you are doing the right things in using distractions and being around people. I hope you can get through this. Contact your counsellor. They are there to listen and to help. They should not judge.
I don't have many more words, but I have read this and I hope you get through this.

Eir 01-03-2017 05:02 PM

Still haven't msged my counsellor. Have hurt myself. Still feel ridiculously miserable. But pasting on a smile.

Margo 02-03-2017 12:16 PM

Guilt guilt and more guilt?

Things are tough and there have been huge changes so it's not surprising you're feeling bad. But feeling **** and doing crap things are just as real as feeling good and doing the right things.

None of us are perfect and everyone here ****s up big time. Everyone does things that fill them with fear and guilt and shame. But denying those things only leads to more hurt.

From the **** comes a chance to see the light again. The pitfalls open opportunities to learn and move on. Don't deny yourself this.

You self harmed but you're a self harmer. It's what we do. It's our coping and sometimes it's all we know. Accept it and ask for help.

Message the councellor. You don't waste counsellors time by not telling them stuff, you just waste your own wellness. They are there for these moments. They are there to talk and reason out why we do shitty things.

Don't beat yourself up any more over this. The punishment you administered is plenty.

Take care

Love matthew xxx

Eir 18-03-2017 11:52 AM

I keep forgetting my pills. And showering on days off. And eating.
Got back into martial arts breifly, then had a cold so stopped for a week. Am gonna force myself to go on Monday.
Didn't message the counsellor. I'm glad I'm living with my brother, I'd be dead otherwise, rather than mutilating myself in secret.
This is definitely a mixed episode

Eir 24-03-2017 11:48 AM

I don't think I've been this depressed since the first time I was scheduled. I'm having vivid flashes of hurting myself. Of killing myself.
They are a bit like that movie, secret life of Walter Mitty. Or more like that flash of violence Arnold Schwarzenegger had in that movie where he thinks his wife is cheating on him with a used car salesman. Except the violence is directed toward myself.
I don't really wanna live. It's too much. Only reason I'm alive is my brother, living with him is keeping me afloat.
My parents, basically hermits themselves, are worried about my social life. What social life? I work and sleep during my week and parent on my days off. It's all I have energy to do.
I'm done. I don't want to deal with everything anymore. I can't.
I'll msg my counsellor in the morning.

Eir 01-04-2017 01:14 PM

It's not getting any easier. I use my breaks at work to sneak off and SH in the toilets. When I'm not thinking of self harm I'm running through suicide options. Only thing stopping me is if I **** it up I'll have ****ed up my grad position.
Would things be this bad if my grad position had of started in February like I'd expected it. Or if I hadn't left Liana's father. Maybe it's the night shift. Or the fact I went on a spending spree while I was in that episode, that I'm still paying for.
Reasons to live include provding a somewhat rational parent for the girl and the fact I'd probably wouldn't manage to succeed at suicide, thereby flushing 7 years of study down the toilet because I believe that my grad position would be ruined cos the position is at my local hospital.
I can't think of any other reasons.
I'm definitely as low as I was when I first was scheduled. Nearly 14 years later and I still feel I have no options. I can't make friends. Every little stuff up feels catastrophic.
I'm going to die alone, even if I don't kill myself

Sketchy 01-04-2017 06:27 PM

Low on words but thinking of you. I really hope you can reach out for help. Take care.

Eir 02-04-2017 01:56 PM

Should I call my Dr? It'll probably take a fortnight to see him. Counsellor is on the 11th. I won't tell about the SH. They might want me to give up my tools. I don't think I would last long if I did.
I've hinted to my family that I'm not coping. Told my best friend that I'm suicidal. I don't think I can let anymore hints drop. I'm stopping myself because I honestly believe I don't deserve help. and I cant make it past that.

Sketchy 02-04-2017 03:47 PM

Maybe it would be a good idea to see your doctor. Sounds like you could do with some help and support just now. Could you talk to your friends and family about it? Ask for support?

Eir 02-04-2017 04:02 PM

I can't admit right out say that I'm thinking about killing myself. I'd end up scheduled and basically in the same position as a failed attempt.
I can't tell my parents, or my ex cos I'd see my daughter less and while I wish I could have time off, I don't want to lose my girl altogether. Not my brother cos he'd tell my parents. I feel awful when I burden my bestie.
I'm gonna stay up til eight to try for an appointment sooner. I'm not dangerous to anyone but myself. But it's a Risk.

Eir 04-04-2017 11:25 AM

So I did see my Dr. We added valdoxan and restarted the valproate and increased the Quetiapine of a morning. I admitted to self harm and suicidal thoughts. I see him again Friday. Cos valdoxan is an antidepressant, my brother has been warned that I may go manic. I feel as though I'll rattle with all these pills. Still feel crappy but yeah.

Sketchy 04-04-2017 09:57 PM

Well done on talking to your doctor. That was really brave. I hope the changes to meds helps you. Give it time, it can take a while to notice a difference, but hopefully things will improve for you.
I'm sure it's ok to talk to your bestie. That's what they are there for. I think it might be good for you to talk to someone. Keep posting here too.
Take care.

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