Emma - i didn't mean what i said in a shitty way hun, well, i did, but certainly not aimed towards you, it was aimed at myself/my GP.

Meh. I have an assessment with Denise - my CPN's manager, she's coming to see me to sort out what "went wrong" between Gemma & I (my CPN) as she just didn't bother turning up for appointments/wouldn't return my GP's calls, etc.
I know i'll freeze up. I am SO exhausted today i don't know what i'm going to say. And if my GP DID contact Denise yesterday as he knew i was seeing her today, to talk to me today about my dissociating..then, i have no idea what to say.

And, my mother/father are blitzing the house for Denise, i'm like, wtf, she's not royalty. Jesus. >.<

Kahlia *snuggles* Sorry i've not got anything to say but i'm thinking of you ok?

Hugs to everyone else who needs them.
xx

*snuggles Kahlia and Laura* sorry times are so tough for you both, i'm sorry that i dont have the words to support you properly, but i am here if you want a hug.

That goes for everyone else too!

*offers cuddles to all*

Emma *cuddles tight* I'm sorry yesterday was tough but look today's another new day :] So hopefully nobody else will mention the whole ex boyfriend things. Stuipd idoits trying to remind you, surely some people must know about it...hope you're ok darling and we'll be here for you next Wednesday if you need us *cuddles some more*

Hana *cuddles lots and lots* Here if you need me darling and PLEASE talk to me? Sorry I wasn't really online last night- couldn't stay awake heh. All I remember is signing on msn, posting a couple things here, somewhere else maybe and facebook and then deciding I had to fall asleep!!

Betty *offers cuddles* we're here if you need us xx

Jem *cuddles tight* You always have me ok? & the two emma's ;)

Kahlia, I don't know what to say other than sorry voices are trying to hurt you and that you still haven't got a bed *hugs tight*

Laura, *cuddles tight lots* Hope today goes okay sweetheart and I'm really sorry that nobody called you back yesterday :( xxxx

Zowie, hope you got the situation with the said stalker sorted hun *cuddles lots*

Becca, hope you're ok sweetie *cuddles*

*hugs anyone else I've forgotten*

I keep having werid/bad dreams. How fun? :crying: They're playing on my fears..I'm sure of it...well some of them? :pinch: But I've had about 12 hours sleep for a nice change tehehe xx

*hugs Helen* im ok, but my mums just been signed off with depression and im well worried about her

1ofmany, I too have wished to be squashed by a bus sometimes but honestly, I would have missed a lot of good things if that wish would have been granted.
...and I just saved my ass with such grace and style. I did not study last night or at any time for that matter and yet I had to do an oral presentation on a historical figure and writer and, well...I got into class some ten minutes late 'cause I was reading everything I had to say in front and it all stuck because the dude's life was super interesting and I agreed with his ideals and political views so I stood out front and though I was looking at the floor so as not to get nervous or distracted, I actually did a good job and I didn't leave out any information! Yay!

...except I forgot to bring something visual to show around but I was forgiven for this.

*hugs Becca* Sorry to hear that hunni

I was going out tonight and decided I'm too much of a bad mood to be out, I'll just ruin it for everyone else and I'll end up snapping at someone (keep doing that)....

*hugs Helen* yeah i have days like that too, are you sure the company wont do you good?

Maybe it would but can't be btohered anymore. Besides I'm feeling stuipdly dizzy again and I feel like everyone expects me to be happy happy happy all the time (not the people I'm gonna be with)....and I feel like bursting into tears.

No one expects you to be "happy happy happy" all the time Hells, you just think people think that's how they want you to be.
It's physically/emotionally/mentally impossible to be happy 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
It's not practical.

Have you gone back to your GP's yet? How's counselling going?

I know it's impossible, but some people give me the impression that want me to be happy as much as its possible, obviously we all have our bad days. In other words some people want me to stop being so upset/down/low/suidical so much. It's like well sorry for having a few **** months after the other. *rolls eyes*

No I haven't. He's not there this week. Counselling...well I see her next week, we have lots to dicussed. Only had one appointment with her so far lol. Should have had my 2nd appointment wiht her last week, but couldn't make it obviously.

How comes you couldn't make it? It's possible you've explained but i've not remembered, heh.
Will you be seeing your GP next week?

It's possible your friends/family/whoever are trying to keep you distracted/cheer you up, as they obviously don't enjoy seeing someone they care about feeling down.
I think you expect you to be happy, because you psychologically believe that's what others expect from you, so you put on a smile and act as if everything is ok.

Things will imrpove drastically when you start to see your GP/Counsellor regularly, so you can talk more, etc.
x

I couldn't make it because of my DSA assessment. Well I could have made the effort to go afterwards I suposse. But from where we were, it's the most difficult uni to reach via public transport. Besides I was with my mum and she offered to come into Solihull with me, after we'd been shopping in Birmingham to help me carry my parcel etc home (which was heavy).

You could be right there, nobody obviously enjoys seeing someone they care about feeling down etc, well most people don't. I should be happy though, thats what I honestly believe...I mean it's not "normal" to be this unhappy so much....

Maybe it will. I don't know if I 100% agree?

To get better you need to embrace the help given.
It's the same with anyone who is feeling low. It's the same with me. If you don't embrace what is there, you won't get better. If you didn't want to get better, you wouldn't even be going to counselling.
It's worked before. There's no reason to think it won't work again.
You just need to be patient.

I know counselling will work once it's gotten going =)

I'm so sick of peoples sh*t.
It seems unless i'm someone's constant leaning post of support, i'm completely disregarded and ignored.
This is exactly why i usually get on with older people.
Because they actually DISCUSS sh*t with you without expecting you to bow to there every need.

I'm not going to suck up to everyone who is feeling sh*tty. We all feel sh*tty, that's why we're here! But for god sake, i surely deserve more respect than being completely bloody ignored because i'm simply NOT strong enough to go through hours of support for someone every single night.

F*ck it.
I really need to avoid chat for a while.

My head hurts.
My eyes hurt.
My heart hurts.

I feel used and abused.
I'm so very glad i didn't make a promise today to wait for 3 weeks for this CPA meeting.
Probably won't go ahead anyway.
F*ck it.

*cuddles*

Some people are so ****ing horrible.
Whats the point of being horrible?
Seriously?!!!!!!!!

I have no idea.
I'd like to know the answer myself.
Answers on a postcode please.

Wow, I think I'd like the answer as to why some people are horrible myself ... if anyone has one.

*hugs everyone who has hugged me, and then hugs everyone else*

[sorry I'm not mentioning by name but my memory is crap this morning]

I went up to A&E last night and sat for an hour or so waiting for Intake & Assessment. My mother came in with me and actually came into the meeting with me. I was straight out honest with them and they allowed me to vent a whole heap of *****. One of them was actually quite helpful .... the other one just told me that I needed to arrange counselling through the CAT team or go back and see the goldfish (my supposed case manager). I got the whole "you shouldn't just have stopped your medication ... the side effects and withdrawal effects can be worse than being off the medication altogether". I told that nurse that I could see that, but I couldn't keep taking 30+ tablets a day either and still cope with having the hallucinations and severe fluctuations in mood.

I see my pdoc for an emergency appointment today. I have to ring the office shortly to confirm the change of time as they have managed to bring it forwards. I think a friend is going to come with me to it.

Whoa. I'm so sorry for ranting and venting all of that.

*hugs to all*

I would liek to know the answer too.
Had so much nasty stuff said to me tonight :(

*hugs Laura & Kahlia lots*

I...don't...know...what...to...do