*Squishes Crimson* Are you more awake now hun?

*Huggles Lindsay* I'm glad volunteering was better today :)

hugs everyone

*Glomps Louise*

*hugs all*

How are you all?

Oh, you were in my dream last night, Oliver. I was on the phone to you while some girl was dragging me around my old school. It was strange.

trying to make jewellery for distractions. how is everyone else.

*hugs Felicia*
*hugs Mark*
*hugs Oliver*
*hugs Lindsay*
*hugs Louise*
*hugs Crimson*

I went jogging with my horse today. It was fun.
Then my horse pushed one of the lockers till it fell, it kind of broke, but it's locked so we couldn't fix it. Dad got a bit mad.

hugs Laura

Lousie, you'll need to post some pics when you've finished.

Laura, i'm glad you had fun.

*hugs Lindsay* what a strange dream! how are you? I'm okish, managed to not buy pills while at the supermarkt

*hugs Louise* that sounds like a good distraction

*hugs Laura* how are you?

Well done, Oliver!

I'm a bit sad because I will be seeing my psychologist for the last time tomorrow. I have held on so many times just for his appointments and now he won't be there any more. I'm being transferred to another psychologist but it will take me a little while to trust them and stuff.

*hugs all*
Yeah more awake now, Mark. Still somewhat sleepy but functional.

*Hugs Oliver*

*Hugs Louise*

*Hugs Lindsay*

*hugs crimson, louise, oliver, mark, felicia, lindsay, laura, matt, ian, and everyone else*

... last night was really bad *curls up* I've never been so angry in my entire life as I was last night. I actually punched a hole in the wall... stupid. Hurt the nerve in my elbow I think.

It was a lot of things building up. But what ultimately tipped it was that I felt like my sister was being ungrateful for my help with her uni assignment b/c she kept saying "I wish dad was helping me instead of you. I think he could do this better." And then I swore when i got one wrong and she told me that i have "no morals or values," and I just blew up... I definitely overreacted I know.

I press things down so much that when I boil over its really bad. I don't usually have anger issues though.. or never really have in the past. Is this how its going to be b/c I don't cut anymore? I hope not :-/

*cuddles Laura* I'm a bottler too. I find that going for walks or runs help when my anger or irritation gets to that point. But she was definitely being a total brat about the whole thing.

*Hugs Laura* I have very occaisional spurts of extreme anger too , It's not you , it's human , there are 1 or 2 walls with holes in but we , as self injurer are used to pushing crap down, it's going to come out some way , in your new place is there somewhere you could hit golf balls or put a punch bag , these are really good for getting shot of anger.

*hugs Louise*
*hugs Lindsay*
*hugs Oliver*
*hugs Crimson*
*hugs Mark*
*hugs Laura* I punched a wall once, because I couldn't injure. I bottle things up and then eventually they all come out. boom

*cuddles mark, crimson, and laura* thanks everyone.

Bottling things up is really not a good way to deal with things I know. I just do it automatically. At my new place I don't think I'll have as many issues because I will be alone again. I'm better living alone then with family... Usually I do just leave and go for a walk if i feel really angry. But it's not really an option at my house.
*sigh* Ive only cut once in 6 months now. and I'm really proud of it... but I don't want to turn into a monster because I am not doing it.

Laura, you are not a monster , trust me *Hugs*

Dear my Wardies,
Tomorrow I am going to Swindon to meet Felicia .
I'll miss you guys but will be back early next week ,
Take good care of yourselves and each other.
Love Ya'll,
Mark.

Have fun Mark!
*huggles*

Have a wonderful time Mark *hugs*

*hugs Laura* your not a monster at all.

*hugs Laura* how are you?

*hugs Mark* have fun!
*hugs Laura* you are not a monster.
*hugs Oliver* how are you?

I'm tired. I gained weight, cause my mom is trying to fatten me up. I found the scale today (mom hid it). I'm going to lose all that weight again. I want to feel **** physically, cause then I don't have to feel all this emotional pain.

Interesting...
My boss just emailed this to the staff...

Think she's trying to tell us something? lol

Sorry Laura x2 I needed to find an easy way to individualize so...:
*hugs Laura -US-* You are not a monster dear. I think it probably will go back to lessening even without SI when you are in your own place if you are more comfortable there.

*hugs Laura -DE-* Could she have hidden it because you need the 'fattening up' to be a healthy weight? I can understand the want/ need to be smaller and feel physically rather than emotionally but that will not help you in the long run and a closed ward won't allow you to make yourself ill AND we here care about you. PM Box is always open if you need a listening ear *squishes*

*huggles Mark* Have fun! Get lots of pictures! *packs extra hugs and a care pack in you travel bag*

*hugs Oliver* How are you?

*Hugs Oliver*

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Lindsay

*Hugs Matt*

*Hugs DarkAsylum if okay*

*Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Mark* hope you have a great time. Look after yourself mate.

*hugs Ian*
How are ya?

Hey thanks Crimson :) *Hugs Crimson back* I'm ok thanks, a little lonely but im ok. How are you?

*hugs and sits with Ian* Since it's almost time to go home... Not too bad at all.

*hugs Crimson, Laura and Ian*

*hugs my wardies* Hope everyone's ok? Sorry haven't read back, have been dissociating like crazy so my brains a lil fried.

*Random rant alert* whats the bloody point putting a trigger tag on a bloody thread if you're gonna use triggering words in the title? bloody imbeciles!!! raaarrrrgghhh.

Sorry guys. much love xx

Hi everyone.

Hey Lindsay, how are you hun?

I'm ok, I think. How are you, Mara?

*hugs Crimson*
*hugs Ian*
*hugs Oliver*
*hugs Mara*
*hugs Lindsay*

how are you all?

Today I found out that my mom knows that I purge and in her opinion it is disgusting and sick.
I'm not underweight, I'm in the normal BMI range. I feel fat though.

*hugs Laura* I'm sorry about what your Mum thinks and how you are feeling, that must be tough. I'm here if you want to talk.

I'm feeling lonely and like I want to die or at least overdose.

*cuddles Lindsay*

*hugs all*

*finds puppy sinclair and feeds him, then hides*

erghhhhh.
*curls up and sighs*

*snuggles oliver if want*

*hugs Crimson*
*hugs Laura*
*hugs Oliver*
*hugs Mara*
*hugs Lindsay*
*hugs Heather*

*hugs everyone* *leaves cookies & fruit*

Feeling like crap today, was having a really rough week last week & must've been talking more than I thought & my psychologist made a few comments about how I was ranting lots, and in a bad mood (which I knew anyway), and how he was exhausted now after listening to me & it really hurt my feelings. Is that stupid? I have another appointment with him today & I don't wanna go now because I feel really stupid & invalidated.

That was quite a horrible thing that your psychologist said,no wonder you are feeling the way you are. Can you tell him how he made you feel?

sneaks in and curls up.

*hugs Lindsay, Ian, Shad, Mara and Heather*

I'm feeling really anxious, managed to get to my GP appt, but only cos I cut, cos otherwise I was too anxious and paranoid to leave my flat. The GP I saw is going to talk to my normal GP on monday and get in touch with psych and then ring me, cos she wants to increase one of my meds. Monday is when my mum and sister arrive, so I may have to tell them what is going on and they don't know about the paranoia and how it affects me. I'm really scared at the possibility of them finding out.

*hugs Oliver* glad you went to your GP appointment.
*hugs Heather*
*hugs Ian*
*hugs Mara* he shouldn't have said that.
*hugs Lindsay*
*hugs Shad*

how are you all?

Today was my last chance to tell my dad that I'm going to the psych ward in 3 and a half weeks. I didn't tell him.
Umm... is it ok if I write a letter to tell him and explain a few of the reasons?

*hugs everyone*

*hugs Laura* It seems like a good idea to me, but I'd explain why you felt the need to write it instead of talking to him though so he understands.

Does anybody else get kinda freaked out around their birthday time? I just fully realized I'm 29 next week and now I feel almost like I can't breathe... Like that knowledge and my age are suffocating me if that makes sense.
I know it's just a day and just an age but now that it's 'set in' I can't seem to shake it off. :(

Oliver, what scares you about your Mum and Sister finding out?

Laura, a letter sounds like a really good idea. It's often easier to express things through the written word and it will give you time to think about what you want to say.

Crimson, I feel like that too. It's kind of like something you can't control and that's scary.

*hugs Laura, Crimson and Lindsay*

I'm scared of them finding out cos I don't want to worry them and don't want to put extra stress on them, I'm trying to protect them and I'm scared I'll be a failure to them.

*hugs Lindsay and Oliver and Laura*

*hugs Crimson* it's the same for me. Last time around my birthday I kept thinking that I'm not meant to be that old.

*hugs Lindsay*

*hugs Oliver* I kept everything hidden because I didn't want to worry them, but now that they know it's kind of a relief.

The reason why I didn't tell him is that I'm scared of his reaction. Sometimes I'm scared of my dad and I don't want him to know that. He could use that information to manipuate me. Our relation isn't the best.
I could tell him that I wasn't able to tell him, because I was having a good time and didn't want to think about hospital, because it scares me. Does that sound realistic?