Hi everyone ... i hope you are all doing well

I have posted about this on the forum but i will post it here too
I am androgynous meaning am both male and female ...my husband knows and so dose my dr..
I also like to be known as Angel ( am changing my name as Angel21 )

Other wise am kinda struggling at the moment due to past abuse because its holy week this week and things happened then for my as a child and teen
But it will be over soon i hope

*hugs Angel*

*Hugs Serenity* What does your flag symbolise?

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Shad*

*Hugs Solo*

*Hugs Lindsay*

I feel Flat and Lonely But all excited about meeting Hannah L for drinks , I don't know why so excited , we meet up for coffee all of the time , But this is at night . I bought her a yellow flowering plant to say thankyou for last Thursday night .

Androgynous mean being both male and female

FML... I could swear after Monday comes Tuesday but today seems so much more like Monday part 2.

*hugs everyone* how are you guys?

*hugs everyone*

Crimson - I know what your saying about Monday part 2. Everything, including the weather, is super depressing here today. Sorry you're having a bad day.

Sorry I didn't reply to everyone. I'm in a bad place and wasn't really able to concentrate.

What do you mean? I dont quite get what you mean. Yes I used to be Monsoon, but my actual name is Ian.


*Hugs Mark*

*Hugs Louise*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Shadow*

*Hugs Serenity*

*Hugs Solo*

*Hugs Lindsay*

*hugs ian* how r u doing?

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Ian*

*hugs Laura* sorry you have monday part 2 as well... *offers tea and chocolate*

after digging through 35 boxes of old files i finally found the one file i'd been looking for. apparently this means i need to let K buy me a coffee when she goes next (i usually say no, especially if i already had one that day) and i need to "stop blushing when she thanks me. i do a great job." *sigh* i am not used to compliments and i am horrible in social situations... made worse by her always ending up saying thank you in front of other people...

*hugs Ian and Mark*

*Squishes Crimson*

Well I'm off out for drinks with my Best Friend , Haven't socialised at night for over 10 years . Alcohol loosens my tongue , I hope I can keep it cool with Hannah L , I love her:)

i hope you have a nice night mark

* Hugs Atlantica*
*hugs mark * have a nice time
please call me Angel

*hugs Mark* hope it goes well and you have fun :)

*looks around*
Nobody? Hmmm... so quiet in here today... *goes out to tend the garden and play with Puppy Sinclair*

*hugs all*

I'm about Crimson

*hugs Oliver*
How's you?

*hugs Crimson*

I'm okish, scared though as I'm moving into my own flat on sunday.

how are you?

been better, been worse.
*hugs* being nervous moving to a new place is normal

*hugs Crimson* anything you want to talk about?

things i wanna talk about? not really...
things i wanna do? throw out my sister in law, get moved into my house, quit having to deal with my realtor, have easter... have a nice, calm, peaceful, clean house...
*nods* le sigh...
*prunes the rose bushes*

* hugs Oliver* I know moving into your own house is scary i remember the first night when i move it every noise scared me but after i few days i got use to it
* Hugs PoisonedApple *

*hugs Angel* I'm Crimson.

*hugs Crimson* I hope you get things sorted soon.

*hugs Angel*

The repairs are done, now is just waiting for the appraiser on wednesday and then the process to close on the loan... debating forcing the in law to not just buy her own food but a mini fridge and pans but i doubt i'd be successful... at least after we move she'll be in the basement and about 6 months later out of my house.
i was hoping to have easter at the new house but thats ok...

*huggles all*

Had a bad night last night followed by me being exceptionally tired and depressed this morning. Had a fairly large chat with my fiancee about my suicide plan and various things like that night. He told me that if I don't feel I can say something I can text, email or write it out for him and tell him whether to mention it to me or not. Having lots of trouble this morning with simple tasks - decision making, walking, carrying things, staying awake, keeping out of my bedroom and so on.

I hope the rain stops soon, for anyone who isn't doing so crash hot.

*leaves hugs and safe love and care packages for all*

:-) im checking myself in to this virtual psych ward.

welcome! *Huggles and gives chocolate*

do you wanna sit with me? or just be alone for a while?

*Hugs Louise*
*Hugs Angel*
*Hugs Crimson*
*Hugs Oliver*
*Hugs Kahlia*
*Hugs Habibi if okay?*
*Hugs Megz*
So My Friend Hannah L and I kissed 3 time back in hospital , then she said she wanted to take things slowly , this was 2 years ago, Last night I worked up the courage to ask her if I could kiss her again and she said "Actually , Can we just be Friends?" I am crushed beyond repair , I am so in love and she isn't even interested . I've never had a girlfriend , I'm 30 , I scarred all over and she knew all this and still let me hope and fall deeper and deeper in love with her. She had me spend the night on her sofa as she was worried about me , I don't know what to do...I even cried in front of her , How manly:S

EDIT:-
Oh She Called and wants to talk over dinner later , I don't know what to make of this , she said she didn't think our talk got finished earlier.

* hugs mark*
Welcome Habibi * hugs*

cuddles all. curls up and cries. cant seam to catch a break. really feel like giving up now.

*Hugs Angel*

*Hugs Jill*

hugs everyone

*huggles Megz, Habibi, Angel, Jill, Louise*
*extra big huggles Kahlia and Mark*
Sorry you're struggling so much Kahlia but I'm glad you have someone so supportive and understanding.
Mark, I don't have any idea what to make of your situation with Hannah... It seems like she wants to but then she doesn't, and then she does maybe... I dunno. I'm confused by it all. You'll have to let me know how the dinner goes. And I'm just a PM away if you need to talk.

As for me, I'm getting fed up enough with my back hurting I'm considering seeing a doctor about it... Then I remember the main problem with that. I haven't got a doctor and since I'm practically doing 2 jobs I have no time to find one. When I asked a couple of coworkers if they have a doctor to suggest they told me they just go to walk in clinics... There is a reason those places are low cost... Most of the 'doctors' in them may as well have gotten their degree from a cracker jack box. I think it's time to spend my lunches looking online and calling to find places that take my insurance and won't turn me away for having Medicaid as a secondary insurance.

Thankyou Crimson *Gently Hugs your Back*

I'm off back to Hannah L's Back Later tonight or tomorrow middayish *Hugs You ALL*

*hugs all*

great so i was honest with the different GP I saw today and she has got really worried and has made me an appt with a psych on friday, I guess I can see why cos I told her I was going to OD on monday no matter what, but now I have to convince the psych I'm not going to cos I dont want to get kept in hospital cos I'm going out with my friend friday afternoon to something she has had booked for ages, then sunday I'm moving. I hate this, I tell the truth and then I have to lie cos I can't let other people down.

*huggles Oliver* Could you maybe explain that you need to be outpatient at the least till Sunday night? Maybe since you said it'd be Monday, if you explain you need to move on Sunday they'll kind of compromise. Then you could be honest and safe and still be able to go with your friend and move in the mean time.

that sounds like a good plan thanks Crimson, I've just been stressing over it for the last hour.
how are you?

Well, Thats that , we can continue to be friends but nothing more , Life can take a ****ing running jump.............

*Hugs Oliver* I'm sorry you're in such a predicament too.

That's it... I'm looking for a different state job and whoever wants to throw a temper tantrum and make my work harder can go **** themselves. *screams out frustration*

*cuddles Mark* Did she say why?
*hugs Oliver* Glad I could help. :)

She just doesn't feel the same way I do , she Likes me as a friend , I am besotted with her. Not her fault , I'm ugly inside and out and totally unlovable. I need to sleep.

*hugs Mark* I disagree 200% with the second sentence and whole heartedly agree with the third. Ok well it may not be her fault but you are not "ugly inside and out and totally unlovable". I'd expand on the subject but I'm not in a place to do so atm...

I agree with Crimson Mark, your not ugly at all. I'm sorry though that things havnt been able to work out for you with her. *hugs* I hope sleep helps

*hugs Crimson* I hope you can find a new job thats not so stressful

*hugs Oliver* It wouldn't be so stressful if the people here weren't grown children... My boss tries to just be nicety nice to everyone and that just doesn't work. She asked about an issue earlier in the month and when I told her ALL about it I get an apology -not from the person who was wrong- and a praise in the next staff meeting -that I didn't even get to go to- and now is the 2nd time since our email session that someone has intentionally messed up my office. When I brought it up (with pictures I took with my phone) she said 'people do strange things', 'maybe it was an accident', 'theres been a lot of people in your office lately', 'we can't just accuse someone', 'even if we asked no one would admit it' yet when i bring up putting up a spy cam i get 'we can't do that'... why the f not? the court has cameras everywhere... if it's a matter of it being me to put it up, I can have one of the guys in IT install it for me...and I can't lock my door to keep people out while I'm off doing roving clerk duties... *shakes head* I've just had enough of working with people in their 40s and 50s that act more childish and throw more temper tantrums than my 4 yr old. That is the sad truth, I work with people 25-65 and the ones that act like children are (for the most part) in their 40s and 50s...

*Hugs Mark* Your not ugly mark, i know its hard when someone says they only want to be friends but you are not ugly. Your a great guy. I'm sorry that it didnt work out.

*Hugs Louise*

*Hugs Oliver* Sorry your struggling

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Megz*

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs Angel*

*Hugs Kahlia*

*Hugs Habibi*

*hugs ian*