Morning (it is here)

*takes teddy*

*hugs everyone*

not feeling much better but at least I am at work and have people around me.

take care everyone
x

Dayna: lol.. yes I guess we would have to admit that then and I ain't admiting anything.. that would mean the computers have won. :P Hope you have a good day.

Mary Anne: *hugs back* take care; glad to hear you're not alone.. i hope your day brightens somewhat. let us know how you're doing.

*leaves hugs for everyone*

*Triggering* SI
 

Helen glad to hear that the snow was fun. I also agree with the advice from Emma and Ravyn about your friend. *hugs you tight*

Emma you don't deserve pain and damage you are a wonderful supportive person. *Hugs you tight and gives you a fluffy teddy bear*

Dayna can understand the frustration with getting triggered out of no where. *hugs* Sorry don't know what to say.

Mary Anne hope your day improves to be a good day. I agree with you on stopping the world to get off.*lots of hugs*

Ravyn Hope you have a good sleep and that you are okayish. *hugs you tight*

Well I saw my psychiatrist today. He was concerned about the dreams and started with the hynothearapy. I have SIed nearly every night for the last 5 nights. I just wish I could stop. I want to stop. I hate doing it.:-(
Due to the lack of sleep am very moody and feel completely out of control:ermm: . The light at the end of the tunnel has just been put out. Sorry for the rant. I will be quiet now. *Goes back under the bed with the denial tent over it*

*Hugs and hot chocolate with marshmellows in it for everyone*

Thanks for the messages yesterday guys. I'm home now. x

Glad to hear you are home, hope you are okay.

Ravyn - my day was okay, I feel more in control now, how long it will last I don't know tho. *hugs*

Nicole - I so much just want a break from life. Hope you are feeling okay after seeing the psychiatrist, I know these meetings can be very draining *hugs*

*offers hugs to everyone*

Ravyn: And **** knows we can't let those bloody computers win! XDD. And thanks

Nicole: *Hugs back* No need to apologise for the rant, y'know? <3

Lucy: Glad to hear it, and I hope you're feeling a bit better now, too

Mary Anne: Fingers crossed it lasts a good while

*Hugs all*


Guess who feels like ****? =DD. My mind was rather disturbing me last night, I had all these horrible thoughts swimming around in my mind, graphic mental images of suicide and the like. I ended up telling myself over and over again that I'm worthless, just a burden, a waste of life/time/air/etc and all this. Constant stress is killing me x__x. I feel like I'm going to have a total breakdown soon.

And I'm still ****ing umming and ahhing over going to see the doctor. Thing is, if things get so bad, and I do feel like I could kill myself, I know just how I could do it, too .__.;;. I don't honestly feel like I actually could, no matter how much I think I might want to in my lowest moments. Just wanna make that clear ._.;.

I guess I could always say to my housemate I wanna go to the doctor to talk about my sleeping patterns, and then after say that 'everything else' got talked about as well (and she'd assume I meant the eviction - which wouldn't be a total lie, either). Buuut thing is, when our old GP retired ('suicidal thoughts? NOT MY PROBLEM =D'), my housemate ended up temporarily seeing a new one before she got a regular one assigned to her. And her temporary one is my regular one now. And he wanted to stick my housemate as a suicide risk apparently (and would have, if she hadn't told him about her firm religious/anti-suicide beliefs). So if I see him, I could just see him thinking 'OMGSHE'SASUICIDERISKTOO *locks me up*'. I dunno if that'd be a good thing or not.

Lollongpostislong

sends hugs to everyone

*curls up in a ball*

*Hugs Lucy and Louise*

Make it stop. Someone, please make it stop. I cna't go back. I'm so scared.

>__O I know how you feel, Lucy

*Sits in corner and rocks*

*sends hugs*

*Whimpers and curls up*

Can't...take...much...more...

Dayna- I think going to see the doctor may be a good idea. Do you know what has triggered these emotions today? Here if you want to talk about it? *sends safe hugs and some chains to help you hold on*

Lucy-I can't make it stop honey. I wish I could. What are you scared of? *cuddles*

Nicole- Sorry things are so rough for you right now. Did your psychiatrist give you any advice on how to handle things atm or any extra support? I hope the light comes back on soon, remember there is always hope.

Mary Anne- I hope work wasn't too draining and things are better for you tomorrow. Glad you are feeling more in control though.

*hugs Louise* Are you ok?

Ravyn? Kahlia? Jem? How are you all doing? Hope you had a good sleep Ravyn x

*leaves hugs and pillows for everyone*

Going back to uni.
I talked to my GP today & she wants to see me on Friday morning, so I'll be honest with her then & see what happens.

Thank you.

*hugs all*
x

What about going back to uni scares you? I am glad you are seeing your GP Friday hun x

I think it's just the general stress. This whole saga with my friend (in spite of the talk we had - nothing's changed), the eviction, the mindset that I will lose my friends...it's all taking it's toll on me. I fear a breakdown. If it's not yet already started.

Really, I'm losing whatever I had left to hold on for, if I haven't already. I'm only still breathing because I don't have the courage to try and change that. And LMAO, because I don't have enough of a spine to talk to anybody like my housemate or relatives about anything, they all think that I'll magically be cured by doing some stupid ****ing confidence building course. Except that could backfire. Badly. If I start to believe that I can accomplish what I want, then the next time I feel suicidal...

Dayna you have to be honest with someone in real life about what is going on. Someone who can help you. Anything you have lost can be regained or replaced with something new. It sounds like things are really stressful at the moment and that is bound to be affecting your mood and making you worse. Please try and take measures to stop a breakdown before things get worse. For what it is worth, I AM worried about you and thinking of you.

I don't know what to do. Too long I've taught myself to keep things bottled up. I can't hurt my housemate by telling her anything

Katrica that sounds really dangerous hun. Have you told anyone you can't feel pain? Please stop trying to make yourself, it wont come back until you can figure out what triggered it to go in the first place. It sounds like your experience was really frightening. Did your mum say anything?

Dayna- Eventually that bottle will become full though. Your housemate probably wouldn't want you to keep everything bottled in. Could you try and write her a note or something explaining what is going on if you can't talk to her?

Emma: The last time I tried that, I sent her an email...which led to a spoken conversation x_o;

*Hugs Kat* Sorry, I don't really have anything to say

Did the spoken conversation help at all? Is there anyone else you would consider speaking to like your psych or another friend? (sorry, my advice isn't that helpful *hugs*)

Spoken conversations tend to lead to me avoiding eye contact (resulting in me getting a great look at my feet), and clamming up. It doesn't help at all. Although I think it's only for people I'm close to, friends, family, that sort of thing. I've been able to talk about difficult things irl to people I don't know that well. So again, it's just getting around my housemate, and sorting out a doctor's appointment

'Could you phone the doctors for me, please?' (awkward with phones FTW!)
'Why?'
'Just want to see what he could suggest about my sleeping pattern [/blatant lie]
'Oh, okay then.'

Bleh

Nicole - Thanks for the hugs and hot chocolate! *hugs back* - Don't apologize for letting out your emotions.. how was the hypnotherapy? I hope it helps with your sleep and with your night SIing. *offers candle to help light your way*

Lucy - glad to hear you're back safe; good news about seeing your GP - hope the visit goes well *hugs*

Mary Anne - Glad to hear you're more in control; hope the positive feelings keep lasting. Let us know how you're doing. *hugs back*

Dayna - we'll beat the computers yet! *hugs* it sounds like you've had a rough day... I think Emma's offered some wise suggestions... I hope you are able to talk to someone in real life before the bottle gets too full [that's not a fun feeling]; keep letting out your thoughts and emotions here if it helps you! I find it easier to talk to strangers in real life than those close to.. I think it's because I can distance myself from them if need be.. maybe that's part of it for you? *hugs back*

Louise - *hugs back* how are you doing?

Emma - thanks for checking in with me; I did sleep better only woke up a couple of times; so not too bad. How are you doing today??? *hugs back*

Katrica - *hugs back* are you maybe able to talk to your mom about that? I hope you get feeling back soon..

*leaves hugs for everyone else* *hopes those who haven't checked in for a while do soon.. *

Katrica - didn't see your most recent post, before I posted... what about talking to your doctor about the pain, memory thing, and feeling like you're being followed?

Yeah, 'rough day' sounds about right. All the little poisonous thoughts that I had last night have come back. The mental images of suicide that I had last night haven't though, so that's something to be grateful for

Dayna - ya, that is something to be grateful for.. and I hope they stay away from you too! And hopefully the poisonous thoughts go away. I find they can be quite draining and make even a good day awful. *hugs*

Katrica - That's not got to be fun. I hope your psych will be able to help you out; so that it can stop getting worse; and maybe even better.

Edit: sorry hit enter too soon. Sorry I can't offer any better help... but I have lots of hugs

Ravyn: I want to reply, but I seem to have run out of things to say x_o *hugs back* sorry

Dayna - it's ok; I understand. Take care of yourself; that's most important!

I'll try

I've put plans in place to try to make sure I get through until I see my GP on Friday. Woo, go me.

*Hugs Lucy* Hope it goes well

Thank you *cuddles*. Hope you're okay. x

Sorry to everyone I miss but mind has unfortunatly turned to jelly and my memoriy is off trying to refile missing information, so it is of no help atm.

Ravyn *Takes candle and hugs greatfully* I do hope things are going well for you and that work is treating you well. I don't remember much from the hypnothearapy. Am seeing psycologist agian on saturday, he was rather concerned. I have slept more than the alloted 4 hours to an amazing 5 and it really is messing with my hole being. The SIing hasn't stopped....grr...

Dayna hope things really improve for you soon *hugs*

Katicia I hope your psyc helps you. *hugs*

Lucy glad to hear you have made plans to ge though until you see you doctor. *hugs*

Sorry for the lack of support. *Hugs and lollies (including chocolate) for all*

Lucy: *Cuddles back* Not really >__< but thanks anyway

Nicole: Thanks to you too *hugs*

Lucy - That's good to hear that you've made plans. Hope your visit goes well. Please let us know what happens!

Nicole - chocolate lollie?! SWEET!! *licks gratefully* I'm addicted to chocolate you know.. Glad to hear you slept more; hope that it doesn't mess you up too much, but that it starts to get better. Good luck with your visit on saturday.

Dayna - *lots of safe hugs*

--
just got a good rant out of my system, and am feeling somewhat better.. not pleased with myself, but now just drained instead of angry/triggered/messed up.

*Hugs Ravyn back*

Thanks - needed that!

Hope you feel better soon <3

You Know I should Just Make myself a perm Room here... Really it has to be better then dealing with my insane family right now..... Bleh Grabs her Care-bear and a drink of water hiding in her corner...

Ravyn hope you feel a bit better. I enjoy chocolate lollies to. You can have as maney of them as you like *hands over a bag and hugs*

Dayna hope you are doing well *hugs*

Emo-Fairy I haven't met you yet, do you mind if I join you? What is your carebears name? My bear is called BJ *pulls scruffy bear out* This is a really good place to hide when reality gets too much.*Hugs*

*Gives hugs to those who need/want them and more lollies (ecspecialy chocolate ones)*

Hi guys just checking in. No personals yet at the moment. My minds just going wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee lol. All over the place. Going to make some dinner soon (Y) Am feeling alright, just all headachey, had the hiccups three times today the last night ending in a headache grrrr. So annoyed. >_<

*cuddles everyone* Please take care all =(

Emo-fairy- families suck sometimes, make yourself comfortable. Hope you are ok.

Katie- Glad you are feeling alright today. Enjoy your dinner x

Ravyn- better out than in. Hope the rant helped and you are taking it easy on yourself.

Dayna- *squishes* hope today is better for you.

*leaves hugs for Nicole, Lucy, Kahlia, Hells and everyone else I may have missed*

------

Got up early to do work for my 9.30 seminar....9.13am I got an email saying it has been cancelled. I am going back to bed, hoping to wake up in a better mood or as someone different.

Hi everyone! *sends hugs around and offers candy necklaces*

Dayna - thanks! feeling better this morning, hope it lasts. Hope you are feeling better too. *hugs*

Emofairy - it's nice to meet you. It's safe in here; hope you feel welcome. what care bear do you have? *hugs*

Nicole - *hugs back and accepts bag of chocolate lollies gratefully* BJ is a nice name for a care bear, which one is it? How are you doing today?

Katie - *cuddles back* hope the headache and hiccups pass soon. Hope your dinner was nice! Take care.

--
Hope everyone has a nice day/night. It's morning for me, so soon off to chores and work. Feeling better after a good sleep; just hopes it lasts.

*leaves lots of hugs and cuddles*

*hugs Emma* Hope your sleep will be nice. Does the seminar being canceled mean that you're well prepared for next time then?

Blahhhh.
*hugs all*

I guess it does because it has been rearranged for next week. Just a bit worried and annoyed because they have been rearranged as earlies on two of my late start days next week on top of my normal schedule. I barely make minimum attendance anyway. Still, maybe I could use the extra time to read more around the subject and do the topic for an essay or something.

Glad you woke up feeling better- Have a good day at work :)

*hugs Lucy* Are you alright?

Katie *hugs back* Hope your mind slows down a bit.

Ravyn glad you had a good sleep. My bear is just your ordinary run of the mill bear. sshhhh she is really fluffy. *hugs*

Emma sorry about the lecture. Hope you have a good sleep. *hugs*

Lucy *hugs* are you okay?

*Hugs everyone and pulls out a supply of chocolate*

Well I spoke to a psyc and am now under close watch from that department. I had two phone calls from that particular psyc. They are sending the local CATT (Community Asessment and Treatment Team) around on the weekend and will be making regular phone calls. So now I have to awnser the anoying thing....bugger.