Kahlia *Hugs* I'm sorry about your friends but am glad you didn't feel the urge to do anything dangerous yesterday.

*Hugs everyone else*

Lia , you are up EARLY heh.

*Spots Helen and Hugs* How are you this morning? I'm glad it went ok okay with your Dad and his partner :)

*hugs Oliver* I read your R/V thread, I think that was very unfair of him , I can understand how you would feel angry :( sorry I don't have a ton of help to offer :S

Good morning, everyone. :)

Oliver, I'll try & read your r/v in a bit, once I'm done typing here. *hugs gently*

Mark, how're you? *cuddles* Hope you slept okay last night.

Hels, how're you doing this morning? Glad you managed to stop crying, but remember, crying's okay. Gets annoying being a "tear fountain" - I know, heh, been one lately - but it's better than doing something unhealthy. *cuddles gently*

Lia, how're you, hon? *hugs*

Kahlia, so sorry to hear your story - what a lot of heartache!! - but I'm SO GLAD that you managed to get through 1 August without feeling any urges!! That is so fantastic. Yes, with time things can get better. :) Cliché but true, I think. *cuddles*

Felicia, so sorry you're missing your dad right now. :( *huggles* If you need to talk any one of us are here, ready to listen. Hang in there, love.

I'm exhausted & I just got up!! (something's wrong with this picture) >_< Well, okay, half an hour ago, but I'm yawning like I haven't slept in DAYS. Ugh. Hate being so fatigued & sleepy all of the time. :(

One day's dose of Tegretol left. Then... nothing. Can't cut it in half or else I would (it's a capsule not a tablet)... grrrr. I hope that the meds come in the mail either today or tomorrow!! :-/ I'm kinda scared to go off it even though I have been tapering down... stupid stupid me. >_<

*curls up next to Mark & dozes for awhile* :(

I'm low and exhausted. Already had texts off them both and a phone call from my Dad. Only this popular because of that text & email :/ Trying not to be nervous about seeing them later argh :S

*cuddles everyone*

EDIT: April, yes better be a tear fountain than doing something bad....

April, It took an age to get to sleep last night but once I was asleep I slept okay:) Today I'm not Okay , not as bad as I thought I would be but I feel NUMB , that is the absense of most feelings exept being low from time to time . Hmmm . I doubt I'll get through the day S.I. free but I'll try to.
I hope your meds come soon . Thats not a nice position to be in waiting on meds.

*Puts blanket on April as she dozes next to me*

*waves at peoples and curls up*

*Waves to Jessica* how are you today ?

Hi all.
How is everyone? I look new but I was here a while ago.
*waves*
I'm feeling very lonely and disgusting. I'm trying to fight the urges to binge and purge. Can I hide in here?
x

Hi Emma , of course you can hide in here *Hugs if ok*

A little better then I have been. A couple of friends helped me study on my break today. It's nice to feel like I actually got something accomplished for once. Pretty urgy on the SI side of things, and I didn't manage to get up in time to hand over my blades on Saturday which means I have them until my appointment on Thursday. I know I will have a hard time explaining myself if I use them.

Sorry I haven't been very responsive to anyone. I'm still a bit of a mess.

Emma: Of course you can. :)

Thank you :)
how are you? x

Hey Emma, just wondering, what was your previous screenname? :) Just so I know who I'm talking to, hehe.

Hels, hope the chat with your dad & J goes okay later today (right? it is today?). *cuddles*

*cuddles Mark* Thanks for the blanket. :) It was appreciated, hehe. I hope you manage to get through the day without SI'ing, and even if you don't, the day will come when you will be able to. <3 I know it will. The same goes for all of you. Also, am glad that you slept okay once you got to sleep. :)

*cuddles Jess* It's okay that you're not up to individuals right now; it's also okay to be a bit of a mess sometimes. Trust me on that one, lol. Too much experience here. :P Anyway... I hope that you manage to stay SI-free today too... you've been doing so well lately!!

*glomps Oliver as I spy him!!*

So tiiiired. :(

It is today yes, less than 6 hours to go >_> I have such a bad headache at the moment. I feel even more rough. Fun times. I'm going to go shower and then have some lunch me thinks!!! I'm really exhausted. Fun times.

*cuddles April* Thanks. I have been doing pretty well. It's only happened once since I started seeing my doctor about stuffs.

*hugs Hels* I hope it goes alright.

*huggles for Mark* Sorry I forgot your hugs before. :)

Sleepy time for me now. :) I plan to actually make it to my first class tomorrow. Today was a bit of a fail for that.

*finds place on the floor*
*flops down*
...sorry too many pages...
*hugs everyone*

*Hugs Jessica* Hope you sleep well.

*Hugs Hels* Hope everything goes well.

April, I hope your meds come in speedily. I'm waiting on mine too, and only have two left.... It's making me a nervous wreck *hugs*

Hey Emma, I'm Felicia. I wasn't around back when you were probably, so just introducing myself =)

*Hugs Mark* I hope you get through the day SI free, but even if you don't, April's right, the day will come =).

*Hugs Crimson* You posted whilst I was making my super long post. It's alright if you can't reply, things are moving fast.


As for me, another one of my forums wants me gone cause apparently mentioning that I was caught purging and was actually glad cause now my friend is helping me research treatment options is triggering. I try not to trigger people there...
But that's not a huge worry, cause I'm so tired and have so much to do but so little motivation.
And for a positive note, my Tori Amos CD I got off of ebay came in! Yayyy!

*Hugs Felicia * I LOVE Tori Amos , what CD did you get ?

*Hugs Crimson*It moves fast in here sometimes , it can be hard to keep up.

*Hugs Jessica* Don;t worry , its busy in here.

*Hugs Helen*


*Hugs April*

I've semi-slept through most of the afternoon , hmmm I hope I sleep tonight.

Hey all.

How are you Crimson? Haven't seen you here in a while.

I'm happy for once :) I like being happy, but it's kinda scary too because there might be a come down, but never mind that for now.

Ouch. Lol, I just got off the bed and promptly tripped over a cereal packet. What's it even doing there?

xx

Mark, I got From the Choirgirl Hotel in today, but I have a few others being shipped to me. I just recently discovered Tori Amos, thanks to my Pandora radio telling me since I like Fiona Apple, I may like Tori Amos too. haha.

Hmmm... been better, been worse... I have a friend finishing up reading over my essays (journalism major now so she's fixing everything lol)
I've established that when I feel crap being at work really amps up my anxiety all by itself no little extra push necessary... I didn't really notice before since I'm usually not really un-anxious at home either (unless the in-laws are gone) but I got relaxed this weekend after spending most of yesterday in the kitchen... made muffins, cookies, yogurt, etc yesterday and aim to make spaghetti noodles today if i get the time. Maybe I should rethink my career goals... i used to want my own restaurant but thought it'd be too hard to get up and running but i do feel much better after some time in the kitchen... it may just be my mind wandering though since i've only had 6 hours or so sleep the last 48 hours...

hmmm realized i forgot to reply in part... i've been around (all but the weekend) just been lurking more than posting...

Felicia , whats a pandora Radio? I've heard of Fiona Apple but don't know any of her songs .

Oh Crimson , you need sleep! Hands a blanket over for you to snuggle under :)

Still happyish, just have a question.

Is it possible to push things out forever? Or do they come back eventually with a vengence?

There are things that are too painful for me to think about, things I push out because if I allowed myself to think, I would break. But I don't know if I can do that forever and I can't handle it.

Mark, Pandora Radio is an online radio thing where you make stations based on your favorite artists, and it'll pick similar artists and play them too. I have it on my ipod touch it's pretty cool.
http://www.pandora.com

Lia, in my experience, it always comes back with a vengence.

Thanks for the link Felicia :)

Lia , I'm afraid I agree with Felicia , things have a habit of coming back if you push them out for too long. perhaps you could deal with them little by little ? sorry

Oh woopy do da. Still, it's not brought me right down. Still a little happy, only not as much as before. I'll get over it. Pushing stuff out has worked for years. I've had the same thing shoved to th back of my mind for months. It can stay there until it's easier to deal with. Only I have a feeling I'm not going to get a say in the matter.

xx

Urgh. I have to spend three weeks in their company. I don't know how I'm going to last. I've just spent half an hour of a 'family meal' having every part of my appearance picked at. In the end I just suggested I get an enitre make-over so not to embarass my mum in front of all the Canadians. She wants to change just about everything. But she's right. I am fat. Fat and dirty. Always dirty.

Oh Lia *Hugs* you're not dirty no matter how much you think that of yourself , you are a kind, intelligent person :)

Lia, sweetie, I agree with Mark. You're not dirty & I doubt that you're fat. *gentle hugs*

*cuddles Crimson, Hels, Felicia, Mark, & Jess*
*cuddles everyone that hasn't posted yet on this page :P*

Sorry it's not more. My brain isn't functioning and I'm having an eye twitch that is driving me craaazy. >:( Have no idea what's causing it either and it's been happening off & on all day.

Last day with Tegretol, since I totally have run out of it and it's not come in the mail yet. Damn it. I have no idea how loopy I'mma be tomorrow night when I don't get my dosage... or how bad a headache I'm gonna have... :'(

Spent most of the day at my parents' house, which was nice... slept a lot though so hopefully won't have a problem falling asleep tonight. Read some, relaxed, drank a lot of tea (chamomile, Mark!! XD I love that stuff...), etc.

Just sent directions to our apartment to a friend who's coming over tomorrow. I have to do a bit more cleaning or else my conscience is going to rip me apart for introducing a new person to the clutter that is our apartment. :( I hate not being more motivated to clean clean clean... probably will be doing it last minute tomorrow morning. She's supposed to get here around 9:30am, so yeah. Guhhh. Feel so stupid!! for not getting on this sooner, or not forcing myself to stay home today and just get it done.

*sighs and hides in the warren to try and forget about the eye twitch (which is REALLY ****ING ANNOYING), the cleaning, and my parents*

OOOh April I hope your meds come in the mail tomorrow *Crosses fingers* don't worry about your flat being a bit messy , mine is too , magazines lying strewn about Easter Cards still up lol . Mess is Normal ! don't fret over what your mother says about it , it's YOUR home after all .

I hope my meds come tomorrow too. Dunno what I'm going to do without them.

Lol Mark, about the Easter cards. :P Yeh I suppose a bit of mess is normal, but I am so freaking used to an OCD/anal family when it comes to cleaning... I am totally the black sheep when it comes to that, sadly... I'd love to be tidy and neat and have everything in its right & proper place but I just can't. :(

Screw up, April's a screw up... and not just about cleaning. About relationships too. Stupid me. Frustrating Jarrod. Guhhh. >_<

*rocks in a corner*

Thanks Mark and April, but it must be true. Why would they say it if it wasn't true? And they are right. I am dirty. And fat. They must have reason to say those things.

Know the feeling April, no matter how much you need to do something and know how much you will regret putting it off later, with the bug of the laziness nothing can make you. I'm exactly the same, try not to beat yourself up about it, it's just a part of who you are. Besides, it's no fun if there's no mad rush :)

How are you Mark?

xx

*sneaks back in and curls up*

I'm Numb Lia , I did S.I. once today but not too seriously , I've been numb 95% of the last month at least , *sigh* if I'm not numb I'm low , sometimes joy of joy I get both at the same time even though it thats not logical hmmmm. sorry I ranted.
I'm worried about you Lia a bit I don't think that you are giving yourself any credit for being such a caring person.

*Hugs Helen*

*cuddles Hels* How'd the meeting go, sweetie?

*hugs Lia* I agree with Mark (once again), love. You're not giving yourself the credit that you deserve, for being a kind, sweet, & caring person. But I suppose the same could be said for most if not all of us here. And to answer your question - "why would they say such things if they weren't true?" - because, as you've said so yourself, they're not very nice people. They don't "side" with you all the time... and bullies love picking other people apart, as it makes them feel bigger and stronger than they really are. When it's really WE who are stronger than they are. Anyway, sorry, ramble. :)

*cuddles Mark* I'm sorry you've been numb that much lately. That really sucks. :( But maybe you will start feeling better soon? can always hope, at least, right? And that wasn't a rant, at least not one as bad as I can get into sometimes!! lol. >_< I'm also glad that the SI wasn't too bad today.

Just got off WoW. Am really anxious right now, mostly about tomorrow & the apartment not being clean & "what will my parents think" (when they won't even BE here tomorrow >_< stupid me) & worrying about Jarrod & all sorts of other ****. Ugh... :'(

*glomps Felicia* :D

April , I HOPE that my Lithium blood results will come soon and that that particular drug can be increased , It'll be a week tomorow that the blood were taken so hopefully I'll hear about it soon .Prayers/ positive thoughts appreciated please. My AD's are already over the recommded doseage for being an AD hmmm. I slept , well semi-slept most of the afternoon and it's 10.40 pm here and I'm not even tired but I took a Diaz and am going to bed ,sleep well ward mates *Hugs April Goodnight*

Ergh, why so dirty? I'm not the person you two think I am, I'm dirty and I don't even know why. It's inside of me and that shower really hurt. I'm red and even bleeding (sorry if that's triggering) yet still no cleaner. I don't know how to get rid of the dirt or hy it's even there.

Sorry you're feeling so anxious April. I wish there was something I could do. Try not to get yourself down too much, it's not your fault, you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. *Hugs* What's wrong with Jarrod?

*Hugs Mark* I'm sorry you feel that way, but well done on managing to resist cutting too badly. I know how tiering feeling numb all the time can get, ut I think I prefer it. When I have my 'ice queen' mask on, I don't have to feel.

xx

Bout anything in particular?*hugs*
*hugs Mark goodnight* sleep well.

D's beginning to see the light when it come to his mum. *small happy dance moment* *hopes october doesn't prove the statement false*

Sorry Luke only popped in briefly earlier... I dunno about the rights in your case so I'm of no help there, sorry. I'm glad they finally set an appt and that you have ADs even if it is a long way away or having side effects... *hugs*

I'm off for three weeks now. I might visit in the morning, but in case I don't get a chance, keep yourselves safe. I really do love you guys and don't want to come back to find anyone's done something incredibly stupid. Yes, that is a threat. Mwahaha! Anyway, I think Canada should actually be fun, I'm with the fam but we're visiting more fam who are actually nice to me.

Talk to you all soon.

Stay safe.

xx

Have fun, Lia!

*hugs everyone*

I am emotionally and physically exhausted.

*huggles everybody*

Am very very cold. It's probably only like 20C but I get cold easy.
Finished my assessment for TAFE and handed it in. Yay!
Organising myself, but things are moving so slowly . . .

*leaves hugs and safe love and care packages for all*

I hate my math teacher now. :( She freaked when I said I couldn't do my test today, made me sit with it in front of me for almost an hour even though I couldn't answer a single question, and then got even more pissed off when I said I would do it next week instead of on Thursday. And before I left, she demanded that I bring her a photocopy of my medical certificates for days I've missed from now on so that she can staple them to my work.

This is the second teacher to do something like this to me in the last week. I now have to go speak to my year level coordinator about it. What I really need is less stress, not more stress. ARGH!

*hugs everyone* sry there have been like 9 pages since i was on here last so I don't want to miss anyone in individuals.

Congrats to everyone who had milestones recently though!

Hope everyone is alright.

Awake even earlier than yesterday! I don't know what I'm doing up, there's no need to be until about 9.30.

Still, now that I'm here. Morning all.

x

3:30 AM
Can't sleep.

*Hugs Lia* Have fun in Canada ! I hope you can enjoy it somewhat :)

*Hugs Felicia* *Hands over camomille tea to help you sleep*

*Hugs Laura*How are you ?

*Hugs Jessica* that seems unreasonable of your maths teacher:S

*Hugs Kahlia* Well done on completeing your assignment.

*Hugs Luke*I hope that your AD's work somewhat :)

Thanks Mark. I hope it will give me time to clear my head. Lately, I seem to be very obsessed with being 'dirty' and I have no idea where it came from. It's kinda random, and I don't know why it's there, but I can't get rid of it.

xx