You know what? I ****ing GIVE UP holding on any more.

I am NOT going to fight my Goddamn ****ing urges any more. I've had enough **** now. I refuse to take any more

Dayna : I know exactly how you feel. I realise that it doesn't help to ease the urges any, or make the sufferring any less. I hope you can manage to stay safe. However, if you do give in, we're still here for you. *offers safe hugs and wishes that you can remain as safe as possible*

-----

I'm urging really badly. My hallucinations are ganging up on me because I've eaten and haven't done x,y & z. I'd really like one of those removable heads right now because mine sucks arse big time.

I feel the same guys.. I really do.. I feel like I've failed my family. I was planning on getting Krispy Kremes tomorrow for the family.. I told them I was bringing a surprise but coz we're leaving so early it will be too early to buy them coz they won't be open.. it bloody sucks. It really does.. I know it's just donuts.. but xmas needs to be perfect. It HAS to be. I just can't add another disappoinment to an already shitful christmas. I feel like ****. I've hit breaking point. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I dunno what to do. Perhaps I'll just huddle in a corner. *shrugs* I dunno... I don't really wanna tell anyone though.. I don't wanna ruin this.. "cheerful season" for anyone else. Must go... *cuddles everyone* Please take care xx

Katie : Even though you may not get this until you return I just wanted to send you some safe hugs. Please stay safe. *hugs you*

Thanks Kahlia. I'll get messages tonight. I will be on till like we go to bed then you won't see me properly till we get back. Thanks *cuddles* Stay safe too as well? *hugs*

*leaves hugs for everyone*

Sorry haven't been around much recently, internet connection's been a bit sporadic, but it should be all fixed now and everything.

I'll reply to everything properly later when I have a bit more time, but I just wanted to say hi for the moment.

*Triggering* SI/Suicide
 

I have been feeling very ow over the past few weeks. Have been trying to stop myself from SI but failing miserably. Am not coping with my thoughts or the pressure the family put on christmas, but I put on a brave faceand pretend. That way they will all be happy
I have had suicidal thoughts for the last week constantly and am trying not to act on it.

Katie : I'll try to stay safe as well. *cuddles back*

Ok night night everyone. Am off to bed. WIll talk to most of you in the new year =) Take care all alright! *cuddles*

*cuddles everyone tight*

Thanks for the cuddles Helen - *cuddles you back*

*leaves hugs for everyone*

Hi everyone, sorry I wasn't on for the last couple days.... was feeling to drained to come on and post...
Bye Katie, hope you have good holidays!!
*hugs to everyone who wants them*

How is everyone doing?

"mouse" how are you doing now? sorry to hear you aren't feeling well.

Just as I thought things were going okay for a couple of days have had another blow - we had to have one of our horses put down - we had him 10 years and he was very much part of the family, gonna mis his big time, could always rely on him for a cuddle when you needed one (horses are great, they don't ask any akward questions, just give you the love you need).

*hugs everyone tight*

*cuddles Mary Anne* I'm sorry to hear about your horse sweetie xx

I've had some interesting news today. One of my RYL friends (Emma should know who I'm on about) finally had her C-Section this morning and gave birth to a little girl Jasmine who weighed 6lbs 11oz :D When I got that text and replied, my friend was still in theatre but came out okay. Then about 30 mins ago, I had a text to say she's awake, not doing the best but is making improvements already. Am so happy for her :D Keep her in your thoughts for next few days for me? Seems like the prayers are being blessed :D :D :D

*cuddles Mary Anne* I am so sorry to hear about your horse... I know how hard it is to lose a horse... [I don't know what to say, but I feel your pain, I've lost one before too]

Helen - that is good news to hear about your friend!! Congrats!! Hope all continues to go well.

Let's hope she keeps improving, she's sent me pics of her beautiful daughter xD

I gave in. A lot. Nothing too deep, nothing too seriously unfortunately, and the urges haven't gone away. They never leave me alone for too long, any more. They always come back again, and again and again, and again. ...I really hate myself right now.

And I'm sorry to hear that the rest of you aren't doing too well, either. I'm **** at supporting people at the best of times, so I don't really have much to say (and my apologies for that) *Hugs all*

Dayna : I'm sorry to hear that. Don't stress about not being able to support. We all have that problem at times, and it can be helpful just to know that someone has "listened".

Helen : Exciting news about your friend. Fingers crossed that all continues to go well.

MaryAnne : Sorry to hear about your horse. :(

Ravyn : Nice to hear from you again. I hope that you are surviving okay.

Nicole : How are you doing this morning girl ??

-----

Good news : My grandparents have arrived from Buderim. I got the text message that they had arrived yesterday evening. They will be staying with my parental units. Hopefully they didn't break nanna on the trip up. [She has arthritis in every section of her body and lives in pretty much constant pain.]

Other : Although I'm now at 118 days SI free I can hardly see the point for remaining free. Both my hallucinations and my thoughts are following similar lines relating to the damage I'm doing to my friend and family relationships by staying alive and the benefits of suicide. I don't have the determination to go through with my plan ... I'd probably give up halfway through ... which would be worse than going through with it. My head is just ruminating on the same points over and over. The urges to SI are getting incredibly intense.

Sorry. I'll stop here, and just offer some hugs to anyone that wants any.

-----

*offers hugs to everyone*

Kahlia: I won't stress myself out too much over it, but I would like to actually return the favour, specially seeing how I've been reaching out for support a lot more myself, as of late.

And to some extent, I kind of know what you mean about not seeing the point of remaining SI-free. I was like that when I tried to recover. I lasted three months and then thought '...I'm not doing this for myself, any more, and I don't think I'm ready to quit'. Although if you do give in, please don't do the same thing I did, and end up hospitalising yourself *hugs again*

Dayna, don't feel bad -- I think you are supporting a lot more than you are giving yourself credit for and like Kahlia said listening is huge. *offers lots of hugs* don't beat yourself for giving in to the urges... keep moving forward.. I know that's easier said than done; it's hard to fight the urges... sometimes I always feel them pressing on me till I don't have the energy to fight them any more... *hugs* keep on fighting...

Kahlia - *offers hugs* sorry to hear you've been so triggered and having to fight intense urges.... and don't be sorry for posting -- it's good to get those feelings out; that's great news about your grandparents being down!! :) Hope your nanna is feeling ok. When do you get to see her again?

Hope everyone else is holding on ok...

I thought I had been doing alright this weekend other than being drained; but I gave in to the urges again and SI'd... one of the worser ones I did -- fortunately though superficial... and I don't feel better.. I didn't get the release I often do... so now i'm feeling even more unstable...

I think I'm going to hide in the denial tent for a while...

Hugs to all!

Ravyn: Thanks *hugs back*. Mind if I join you in the denial tent?

There's plenty of room here Dayna; come on in... I think I'll get us some cookies -- do you like chocolate chip?

Hi guys,

not quite the daily check in but close. Working out new label with my shrink (Bipoler spectrum) and on a whole host of new meds. Very tiring but feeling pretty stabe (had a couple of situations where I managed to resist tiggers)

ravynsoul-hope you are doing ok The denial tent is a great place. You know all the stuff about 'slip ups happen etc* so I'll just offer *hugs*

Poisonous.Cyanide- ditto..hope things are settling down. Fighting them is such a bitch *hugs*

Hope everybody else is ok *offers cookies*

Hi Icarus - thanks for the hugs and the cookies. Glad to hear you are feeling pretty stable and congrats on resisting triggers! Hope the meds are working ok. *hugs*

Glad you've been doing better, Icarus

Ravyn: I do indeed, lol, thanks

Poisonous.Cyanide- thanks you too

Anybody know if we can hide here for the entirity of Christmas period?

ravynsoul-did you take your flower picture yourself? its pretty.

Icarus - I am so up for hiding out here for the entirity of Christmas... as long as we can include New Year's Eve as well??

Thanks Icarus, I can't remember if I took this picture of if a friend took it with my camera... it's some of the tulip fields in Holland.

mmm.. chocolate chip cookies :) *munches away*

Icarus: (Please, call me Däyna) I certainly intend to, if I can get away with it. Christmas doesn't really feel like Christmas this year

Hi all. I saw my nanna and grandpa today. My nanna has had a couple of large falls over the last couple of days and hasn't broken any bones. This is a pretty big thing since she has osteoporosis throughout her body. She's almost as bad as one of the kids I used to teach dancing to .... one of the ones with brittle bone syndrome. Still a lovely person though. I got to play with grandpa's phone .... not that it was terribly exciting ... it's a Nokia 3315 - several hundred models before my current phone. Just gave me something to do for a couple of minutes.

I want to cut really bad. But I'm now at 119 days. One day to go to reach 4 months. I don't know whether I'm holding off injuring for me, or because everyone else will be upset if I do it. Does that sound weird ??

Can I please admit myself to the denial tent for the next few days ??

*hugs all*

I have been on a drinking binge and feeling awful during the day. Went to the pub on Wednesday and drank many many beers, went to Weatherspoons on Thursday and didn't drink too much, went to the pub Friday and then came home and drank with dad, went to a party on Saturday and drank lots of vodka. Then I went to my aunties yesterday for Christmas dinner and couldn't even finish a glass of wine. Hah. I'm rubbish.

You stay in the denial tent forever hehe :P

Feel free to hide out in here over Christmas!!

But don't worry if reply rates are slow for next few days will you? *snuggles everyone* I'll try pop in every day more than once, it's just Christmas day I won't be on much xxx

Not in the slightest. Like I think I mentioned before, when I attempted recovery, by the time I hit three months, I wasn't doing it for myself. The only reason I made it to the three month mark was because my grandparents were visiting on the day to congratulate me for getting so far x_o.

Just so long as you don't let all of those 119 SI-free days come out in one giant go. Be careful, and be safe <3 *hugs*

Zowie: x_o Been sitting here tryna think of summat to say, and nowt's really come to mind. I'm sorry *hugs you too*

Hells: *Snuggles back* Well you make sure you have fun when you're out in the real world ^__^


As for myself, I feel like absolute ****ing ****. I nearly described last night as a 'psychotic episode', but I think that'd be overexaggerating somewhat. Was far from good though. The suicidal thoughts wouldn't leave, the urges to cut wouldn't leave, and I just want to get drunk right now. I'm not even sure what the matter is. Again ._.;.

There was something that bothered me yesterday and the previous night, but that was all talked about, moved on from. So I don't know if I've been feeling so low because I'm still hurt over that, or if I'm upset because the other person involved was hurt, or if I'm upset because of...well...nothing. Or things subconsciously nagging at me x____x. I should probably stop listening to this super depressing song as well <__<;;

*climbs out of denial tent for a bit* Hi everyone;

Kahlia, come on in the denial tent... I agree with Dayna it's not weird to be thinking/feeling that and as she said... please be careful *hugs*

Zowie - you're not rubbish... *hugs*

Helen - thanks for the snuggles :) I hope you enjoy your christmas get-togethers *hugs*

Dayna - *hugs* i hope that your night tonite is much better. The thing that bothered you... was it something said on here that we can talk about help you through? I know sometimes if I don't deal with things that bother me, and try and block them, I end up feeling off-balanced. *switches music to something more cheerful for you -- not sure what kind you like though; so it's a mix and you can choose*

----
well, today I ended up not having work as the roads were closed due to the snow and flurries and all that good stuff.. so that was kinda nice -- although sometimes being left to my thoughts is not always great.... i feel like I have been fighting urges for most of the day and part of me doesn't want to give and but the other part of me just wants too... ugh!! a few more hours and then i can sleep...

*hugs for everyone* *snuggles back in a corner of the tent*

No, it wasn't. A friend was in a bad frame of mind and said a few things that I misunderstood. It feels a little immature of me to say 'boy troubles', but technically that's what it was :sweat:.

I ended up writing a load of **** last night, 'cause of how I was feeling, and I was gonna post it on here, like in serious or something, but I don't know if I have the balls to do so now ._.;;.

And gah, I hate that internal conflict. "To cut, or not to cut, that is the question" <__<;;. Have you got someone to keep you company?

hey dayna, [sorry, i don't know how to get the cool dots over your a]

i like writing stuff to get it off my mind... if you think you're up for it; I say post... there's likely someone who's been thru something similar and can offer understanding or someone who is in a similar situation that needed to hear it; not that I'm pushing you... but if you want to post it let me know [if you want that is] and i'll take a look at it -- i don't always look in all the other threads.


:blink: ya, that internal conflict is not fun; i'm feeling safer now though, so that's good... and my family's mostly all home so i'm not alone in the sense that people are around... although I sometimes do feel alone even with the busyness.. how about you? is there someone there to keep you company?

well i have to go eat supper, so i'll be off for a while and will try to check back in later...

*hugs*

Lol, don't worry about it. I'm only picky about it irl, if someone's handwriting my name xD. ('HEY WTF, SPARE TWO MORE SECONDS TO ADD THE UMLAUT PLZKTHX' '...o_O;;'. Fun times)

Yeah, I might do. Thing is, I'm just worried about who'd read it, which sounds kinda stupid, I know. I just hate hurting my friends by writing something like that .__.;. But thanks for the offer :)

I'm glad you're feeling safer now, as well. And yeah, I have my housemate with me (well, in the same house, anyway, not lurking nearby or something xD). And Dogzilla. Anyway, see you laters, if you're able to make it back

*Hugs back*

Thanks .... I think you may have hit on a point. I just don't know whether I'm doing this for myself or not. :blink: I hope that you are doing a bit better Dayna. *offers safe hugs*

Ravyn, thank you. I wish we got snow here. :sad:

I've lasted another SI free night. The urges were so bad that I put myself to bed early and cried myself to sleep. I was up fairly early this morning but didn't want to deal with anything so I allowed myself to cry myself to sleep again. I don't want to be out of bed at all. :ermm: I'm just going to curl up here in a corner of the denial tent and pretend that everything is perfectly okay. Sorry I can't support more at the present time. I guess I'm just sh*t at everything.

*offers hugs to everyone*

Kahlia: Not really. I was doing okay earlier, and I've slumped right back down again x_x *safe hugs back*

And don't beat yourself up over not being supportive enough. Hell, like you said to me, we all have that problem sometimes. And even if we don't always have advice to offer, just by listening to each other, we're still offering some support, yes?

*cuddles everyone*

I nearly ended up crying in Tesco (a supermarket for you aussies etc) tonight. Was out food shopping for this week (mainly Christmas) and just a whole surge of emotions came over me. I think it's the whole another year and my dad wont be there etc. =\ What a **** I am, always crying in public lol rarely in the house :p

Ugh. Feel stressed and want to cut. But I don't know why. >.<

I feel like I'm going to crash out for some reason like I've been pretending to be happy, but I haven't most of the time :D Maybe I'm just not used to being so okay for this amount of time? :S Plus I'm really worried about a RYL member who doesn't post here much now *sighs*

*hides but sees Dayna and squishes her*

*Squishes back* I'm sorry about your dad. I wouldn't be surprised if Christmas is a bit gloomy for my housemate, too. Christmas always reminds her of her parents, apparently, and this'll be the second one without either of them. Second one for me without my sister as well, I think x_o.

And ugh, I really know what you mean with the pretending to be happy. My housemate doesn't know how bad things have been for me as of late, 'cause I just can't tell her, so instead I've been slapping on this big fake smile, pretending that everything's alright, and then breaking down when I'm alone x_o

*cuddles Dayna real tight*

This will be our 2nd Christmas with him somewhere else (he's still alive thankfully but yeah..) I hope it's not going to as tense this year though my Mum seems to be doing ok, am worried about how she'll be once we're at Christmas. :(

>___o *Cuddles back*

Well, I really hope things go okay for you all

*crawls into the corner and cries* Can't sleep. How do you know when you are having a break down? I need time, space, superman, something...so out of control. I am actually scared of myself at the moment. It's pathetic.

*Hugs Emma tightly* That's a question I've asked myself several times before. Gah, I'm not really sure what else to say. Sorry x_o

It's ok, thanks for the response *hugs*

*hugs Emma, Dayna, Kahlia, and Helen* *offers hugs to anyone else who wants them too.*

Sorry to hear that everyone's been have a sh**ty night.. :(

I don't have much to say in support-wise right now.. just that I'm here if anyone wants hugs, cuddles, or an ear to listen.

take care

Emma: You're welcome *hugs back*

Ravyn: And what about your night? Better than ours, I hope

*cuddles everyone tight*

Sorry it's not more.
Got a bad head coming on.
Damm that **** =\
Nightr xxx

What **** Hells? *hugs*

How are you doing ravynsoul?

Are you ok Danya?

Nighty night, Hells

Emma: Meh, not really. I'm feeling strongly triggered again, and I'm not sure what to do about it. My housemate's still up and is in the living room, so I can't really go and grab anything and give in