Eh we've been sooo behind on laundry that it's ridiculous... I just never seemed able to catch up (doesn't help our housing has coin op laundry -$3 a load- and we're tight on money) but then I have me and D, our 3 kids and we've got 2 of his sisters living with us too (one does her own laundry which is nice) so yeah I should do more laundry more often. So when tax returns came in I pulled a some just for getting (and hopefully staying) caught up. I'm proud of even being almost caught up... kinda sad really.
The meal thing could potentially work well though. If I feel like crap I can just tell someone else to pull whatever out of the freezer and make it. I may bag some rice and write in the measurements too since stirfry and teriyaki beef are some of the stuff in the freezer. Last time I had V make rice (I had a migraine) she made enough for 4 meals when I asked her to make it as a side dish. Now its funny but then it just stressed me out and pissed me off... an experience I'd rather not repeat lol.

Ahhh many posts since I last stopped in, too many to try reply but BIG HUGE CUDDLES for everyone :D Sorry, I will try reply proper later.

Arrrrgh why can't this ****en **** stop? :'( *rocks whilst hiding in denial tent*

April, I will pm you in a bit darling, you sure you don't mind :S I never did reply to your last pm, opps, but it DID help, I promise <3

I'm off to bed early tonight (Again) .
I feel so drained after my nurses appointment.
Had a relaxing bath with some lavender / camomille stuff as recommended by her .
I am triggered , it's a good job I'm so drained or I'd be more un-safe .
Sleep now .
As Biffy Clyro said " Sleep is the safest place you can be "

*Group Hug*

nothing new to add in the past few hours, just checking in and catching up.

*more huggles* Wish that there was more I could do for us all than that though :(

Sleep well Doikers

Hayley, big squishy hug, how you feeling darl??

Well not long after my post, some 'good' stuff happened, my head is STILL feeling well & truly ****ed up though...

Just stepping back in for a second to gather myself.
Tomorrow is my last session with my counsellor. No matter how I'm feeling, it all has to be resolved tomorrow and then feelings n stuff have to go on hold for a month or two. It's never going to work.
Deep breath...
...and steps back out.

argh!!!!!!! how the hell can everthing fall apart at the sametime. hits wall hard curls up in ball and shuts out the world.

*Pops in a leaves cuddles for all and some blueberry muffins on the table*

Possibly triggering for SI and OD






I'm REALLY triggered , I want to cut or OD to be out of it for a while or both . I've only S,I, OD'd once before but I am so sick of having scars and I ......I don't know what to do , I might make a thread for this in vets support but I don't feel I deserve the attention , I feel guilty posting in here .I Dont know whats triggered me , it's been building up for about a week..... what should I do ? I haven't a clue .

*cuddles all* So many posts, can't reply to all of them, I don't think...

Hels, sure I'm sure I don't mind you PMing me!! *hugs tight* You're a dear person and I wish I could help you more... glad my last PM helped you. :) How are you doing today?

Mark, hope you got some good rest... how are you feeling now? *squish*

Crimson, it sounds crazy at your house!! Wow... 3 kids, two sisters, etc... I think I would go mad!! And yey for catching up on laundry (slowly)... we do it weekly, coin-op but we have to go to a laundromat as our complex doesn't have any laundromatty places. GRRRR. The landlord does want to put one in, though. Sometime. (I doubt it will ever happen... but maybe that's just me being a little TOO pessimistic. Haha.)

Hayley, how're you doing today? :)

Sefka, I hope that you manage to "hold it together" for those months without therapy... why can't you have therapy during those months? Just wondering... it seems odd. Of course, I'm in the position of having no clue when I will get back into therapy... have been out of it for 6 weeks and am using this site as a place to vent, as well as LJ... GRRRRR... lol. Anyway... how are you feeling today?

Jill, what's going on, sweetie? *cuddles gently*

Jet, thanks for the muffins. Omnomnom... *devours as she hasn't had breakfast yet* :P

I'm doing meh. Really tired, got up a bit past 6am, which used to be 5am, so I am very tired... but nothing new there. Played WoW for a bit this morning, finished up one assignment for advanced counseling techniques, and need to do a few more. GRRRR how I hate that class!!! It's so interesting but I hate all of the "busywork" for it... :( I feel so ****ing behind.

I really want to cut too... I see my NP tomorrow morning and am nervous about that... don't know what she'll want to do. I texted her this message: I really want to cut deeply and i dont know what to do. i'm trying to distract myself but my mind keeps returning to how much i hate myself. And she said in response: Safety first if u feel this way get to the nearest hospital !

Yeah right. Like I'm going to go check myself in!!, especially in the middle of my last term. >_< So stupid. (Not my NP, just the idea in general, although I do see where she's coming from. She's so medical-model oriented, which is I guess how she's "supposed" to be, as a medication-provider... so yeah. My therapist did everything she could to keep me OUT of the hospital instead of frequently wanting to refer me to the ER for an eval.)

Urf.

*hides* :(

*Hugs April* Sorry you are so triggered .
I'm triggered too, I posted just before you we must have been typeing at the same time :P
I'm getting a headache just to top it all off *Sigh*
I wish I knew what to say to help you guys ( myself too ).
Take the care , try and stay safe .

*huggles helen* I'm glad that some good stuff happened to you - you deserve it. Here's hoping that more good stuff continues to come your way.

*huggles Sefka* I really hope that today goes as well for you as can be. I know I got in a great big pickle over my last councelling session. Bloody NHS telling me when I've had enough sessions. Don't know what your reason is, but I hope that things are put in place to help you through the transition.

*huggles shadowedsoul* (sorry I can't remember your name - *fels guilty*) We're here to offer support. I think we all know how it feels to have everything fall apart at once, life is so so unfair sometimes (thats me putting it politely).

*huggles Jeremy* aww, thanks for the huggles, it means a lot to me that you pop in and leave cuddles and scoff for us all.

*huggles Mark* don't feel guilty for posting in here, you were considerate to others by marking it possibly triggering. The whole thread here is possibly triggering, so we all know what we're doing when we come in here. Its a place though where often we're all at a place where we are only able to offer empathy and hugs, rather than constructive advice, so I think starting a thread of your own would be a positive step and you deserve the attention just as much as the rest of us - which is a lot more than we all think of oursleves.

*huggles April* wow, how the world has moved on by being able to text members of our medical team?! I have a crisis line to phone that often tells me the lines are busy! Yeah your NP has to give whats seen as the 'correct' advice even though its utterly stupid to us when we're in 'that' frame of mind. I am so very impressed that you could play WoW in the morning and complete an assignment. I don't allow myself to go on WoW until I've done all my days thingymabobs, otherwise I just waste away infront of the laptop, I even smoke about 60% less 'cos I don't want to stop whilst I'm on a roll, lol. Me, addicted?! Not just get....

How am I today?! Um, not too bad actually. Just eaten marmite rice cakes as I don't want to eat too much (partner's bday so Indian food tonight) but I've got to super clean my flat and I know that I need some fuel to be able to do it and I've already had to take extra painkillers today so I need something in my tummy otherwise I'll feel extra icky. Just wanted to check in here whilst I'm finding the motivation to get started, once I'm in the zone I'll be fine, its just...oh I can't even be bothered to explain my crazy thought patterns. How I miss my OCD behaviour sometimes, I swear life was simpler then.

*looks for motivation to super clean flat*

*hugs april* keep hanging in there! Oh same goes 4 u too doinkers!

super clean kitchen - check
fag break - check
fight back random tears - check
super clean bathroom - next!

*group huggle* apologies if I smell of a cross between fags and cleaning products!

super clean bathroom - check
check to see how fellow inmates are - check
nap time now perhaps? Then time to super clean living room and bedroom.
feel like crying again but I'm not really sure why.....PMDD.....not long to hnag on til my sanity will slowly return though, gotta make it to saturday....

*cuddles everyone*

Sorry some people feeling triggered, hope you manage to keep safe.

April, I will PM you today, I promise aha!! Meant to do it yesterday.
Hayley, want to talk about anything???

I don't know how I feel. I just feel ****. This whole year has been ****. Except a couple good days here & there. I can't take much more **** to be honest, but going to have to I expect. Got heating people coming over AGAIN today. They finally replaced the boiler two weeks ago, but there was a minor problem & then the boiler broke aha. So they fixed all that on Friday. But one radiator kept acting up. It's not giving any heat in the living room. SO they're coming back this afternoon. Joy joy joy >_<

oh my goodness, I let the thoughts happen, I shouldn't have stopped cleaning. This could be my partners last birthday. He's in breifs all day at work today about all the dangers and threats that he'll be facing on his next tour of afghanistan. It'll be his 7th tour of duty, his 3rd in a row of afghan. He said to me "Wow what a birthday, being told all day how I might die. I'm already thinking that it'll be 3rd time lucky for the taliban to get me" And here I am, crying making this about me?! I'm such a ****ing selfish self centred bitch :( I'm also terrified of life without him. *sobs*

Hows everyone feeling today?
Scarletdreamer, just breeeeeeeeeeathe. Your college work will get done.
Write a to do list.Everything you have to do.
Then divide it up in today,tomorrow,next week etc.
I'm def a list person but everything I write down I wanna get done that day..which doesnt happen and then I get frustrated and mad.But then someone said divide it up and it helped me! :)
Spend three hours behind computer yesterday finishing assignments... :(

PrincessSparkle says for everyone to go Youtube Kerli-teaparty.
She's awesome!!
*hugs for everybody*
Paddys day tomorrow everyone's going drinkin...me?I'm working.and broke...I havnt beend drunk in so long,would looove to get wasted! :(

PrincessSparkle is realising there really arent enough hours in a day and its kinda getting her down :(

*starts randomly dancing along to the Glee soundtrack to cheer herself up*

I like lists too. They bring me comfort in one way and stress in others but I don't think I could function without some form of list.
I'm meeting my mum for lunch tomorrow for paddy's day. I'll be wearing my shamrock headband - I'm half Irish so allowed to half celebrate. No drinking though for me or my mum, we don't do well with alcohol, must be the english half, lol