*hugs Crimson* I'm glad work is going productively, but sorry your still exhausted.

Hi everyone

*leaves hugs*

i loves all of you lotslots. =]

I dislike being on the edge. Its like the urge to hurt is there for so long and so much its really difficult to resist. Sigh. Don't know how much longer that can go on for

Hey Laura *hugs* how are you?

Heather!! *hugs* how are you? not seen you around in ages

*hugs Matt* urges are hard to deal with, but keep staying strong, I'm here if you need someone to talk to

*Hugs Mark*

*Hugs Oliver*

*Hugs Lindsay*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Shattered1*

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Matt*

im....ok. hows you oliver?

*hugs Heather* I'm not doing so great, just trying to take it one hour at a time cos I really want to OD again.
that ok doesnt sound too good, i'm here if you want to talk.

*hugs Ian* hows you?

right back atcha re talking <3

*hugs Oliver*

*hugs everyone*

I'm sorry about names... they've all escaped my brain tonight :/

I haven't hurt myself in a long time, I just can't seem to stop thinking about doing it again. its happening all the time and i'm starting to worry myself. I used to feel this way when i self harmed and back then I would just give in. I'm trying to ignore it as I feel like I have some self control over my urges now but Its always on my mind and I'm getting really wound up and short tempered.

Things haven't been easy over the last few months and I just don't want to go back to how I was. My brain keeps telling me it will help but I know its just going to cause me to spiral out of control again.

I really did think I had my feelings under control. It scares me that this is going to go on forever. I can't cope with it.

*waves hi* to everyone
then curls up in corner and wishes she could just disappear

*Hugs Crimson* Thanks for the confetti :)

*Hugs Lindsay*

*Hugs Oliver*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Heather* :)

*Hugs Matt*

*Hugs Ian*

*Hugs Rhi*

*Hugs Shattered1*

*hugs back to everyone*

Hey!
Hey!
Omg. You seriously have just written down what I'm feeling too. It's driving me more crazy that I already am. And I've not had counseling or whatever in ages, and GPs never listen to me, so I don't even want to try to get help, which makes things even worse.

*Hugs Emma if hugs are okay*

*Spots and squishes Lindsay* How are you hun ?

Hey everyone.

I'm so close to overdosing. I don't really care but i'm worried about having to go and get myself checked over because I know that I will be treated like dirt. Maybe I should just not bother getting medical attention. If I die my brother will eventually get over it.

How are you, Mark?

*hugs all* How are you all??
*hugs Lindsay* Don't OD please. What makes you feel like you need to OD?

sorry I'm not doing individuals.
I had a little accident, when I was riding my bike earlier today I kind of hit a trashcan and fell and scraped my right ellbow and foot so I suck at typing.
Today feels almost as ****ed up as yesterday. So much **** going on it's almost funny.

Please seek medical attention if you OD Lindsay *Humongous Hugs*

*Hugs Laura* I'm sorry you had an accident hun :(

I am weak , I was out so I bought drink, I hate myself sometimes.

hugs everyone

ok... i"m gonna restart my comp in hopes it fixes my keyboard and mouse and try to redo my post...

*hugs Louise*

*Hugs Crimson*

ok... 4 hours of intermittent reading, 2 computer restarts and a staff meeting later... the only thing I remember I was going to say was:
Just because you gave in and bought it doesn't mean you have to drink it, Mark *squishes* or for that matter you could give it to a friend or family as a gift if it's a kind they like... :)

*hugs everyone*
Hope you're all doing well!
*scurries off to get more work done*

I did Crimson but now I'm heading to bed

I love you guys

*Night time hugs y'all*

*cuddles Mark* Tomorrow is a new day! Can't expect to win with no slips or it wouldn't be an addiction you are trying to break :) Good Night! And since you'll likely get this when you wake up, Day 1 starts now!

I updated my blog with a rant on rampant stupidity and ignorance today and other updates since I last shared if anyone is interested {http://mybusylifeinalaska.blogspot.com/}.
Eventually I'll figure out how to put my song lyrics and other stuff in my siggy bar without it saying I have too many lines... then I'll just throw the link in there. As it is, what is there is the most it'd let me have. I find it odd seeing as I had so much in there before... Hmmmmmmmm.

*Hugs Mark*

*Hugs Oiver*

*Hugs Lindsay*

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Louise*

*hugs everyone*

I have a major headache at the moment, I think it might be a migraine. Been feeling okay the past couple of days, but certainly lower than previously. Don't know why, but still keeping my head up.

Hope your all doing well <3

*hugs Taz and Ian*

*hugs all*

****************ufck

*hugs Mrs Pan* whats up?

*hugs lots*
I'm supposed to be doing my second and last trial day at a nursery tomorrow but I don't think I can do it. I don't even want to think about it. I don't know how to explain this grinding feeling in my chest, I just want to disappear and be invisible so I don't have to face a decision and have to let anyone down.
Even if I miraculously forced myself to get out of bed and go tomorrow, it's a 9 hour day. What if I want to escape and I can't? I can't break down there in front of the children and everything. And if I magically got the job, how would I manage that every day? What would I do?
I feel like such a ****ing idiot for even bothering to try in the first place. I've just made it worse. Now I'm just going to disappoint my mother again and reinforce the fact that I am a failure.
I want to hit myself in the head so it will stop hurting me.

Sorry. I let out a bit too much.

I hope you're okay Oliver.

*hugs mrs Pan*
dont be sorry for writing a bit, its fine, its good to get it out. your not an idiot or a failure at all. all you can do at the nursery is your best. best of luck tomorrow *hugs*

Thank you, I'll probably need it. I should be in bed, being responsible. Ha.

How are you doing?

I'm not doing so great, really bad urges to OD, just trying to keep myself distracted, but emotions and mood swings are really bad

*Hugs Mrs Pan*

*Hugs Oliver* I'm sorry your not doing great *sits with you*

Well done for not just giving in, it takes strength. I hope your emotions manage to settle down, keep distracting yourself and hopefully you will get tired and just be able to sleep. That's my favourite distraction.
*hugs*

*hugs Ian and Mrs Pan*

*hugs Ian, Mrs Pan & Oliver*
Good night all!
See ya in the morning!

*crosses fingers for Mrs Pan*

Thank you, nanight

*hugs Crimson* night

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Ian*

*Hugs Taz*

*Hugs Oliver*

*Hugs Mrs Pan*

*hugs everyone*

*Hugs Lindsay* How are you hun?

*hugs all*
'Morning!

hugs everyone

*hugs Louise* How are you?

*cursl up* ************

*Hugs Crimson* How are you?

*Hugs Louise* How are you also?

*Hugs Oliver* Whats up Mate?

*hugs Mark* I'm doing okay today. You?

*sits and offers Oliver a plushie* Wanna talk about it?

*hugs Mark and Crimson*

basically I went to my GP today and we talked about a lot of things and it came up about me going back to uni in september and I have told her in the past that I was unsure about going back this year and hadn't made a decision. Now though I have made the decision to go back this september, but the decision wasn't made about me, I said to myself I'll go back because everyone expects me to (my family, teachers, the odd friend, fellow students) basically I said yes to please others. and I told my GP this today and she asked what I really feel, which is I don't think I can go back because I'm not coping now how am I going to cope with essays, practice, rehearsals etc and she said she would speak to my psych's consultant about assessing me and saying i am medically unfit to go back and she said I need to think about it from my perspective and be honest with myself about how I'm not ok. but I know I HAVE to go back this sept cos everyone thinks i am, especially my mum who thinks i am ok now and i cant let her down again.

sorry rambled on there