Had a bad Therapy session
 

I have been struggling for some time but the last couple of days i felt like my motivation came back and i finally wanted to follow my mealplan and work hard at recovery.

Yesterday was a hard day cause i had weigh in and bloodtests before therapy and had to kill time in between hospital and therapy so i was really tired in therapy. I told my therapist that i was tired and why but that i was fine. And my motivation were back. I she said that "you say things are fine but they are not fine" and she kept pushing me and now i feel like motivation is gone again.

She is really great though and not rude or anything but i feel so down after this session. And i am not sure why. We didnt even talk about any problems. It was pretty much all about how she thinks i am struggling and not good at the moment. Anyone who have tried something like this? I dont even understand just why i got so upset. I was feeling so much better.

Thanks for your reply:)
Thank you! Yeah i hope i can do it. Im going to see my ed doctor in a few weeks and i hope she can give me a little push.
It really is, yes! You are right.
It is really hard to be optimistic and strong when you are sooo tired and drained all the time.
To be honest i feel most motivated when i have restricted so much that i walk in this kind of daze and dont function at all. Then i really want to get well. But as soon as i feel better i go back to restricting. So stupid:p

But beside that, i worked really really hard on my recovery last year and was really strong while gaining weight and its a shame to see that go down the drain.

Thats a really nice idea. I really should. But when my ed is taking over i dont even want to look at something that could motivate me.
But still. Just to read it through while i"m okay, might still help.
Also my psychologist thinks we should talk about my ambivalence.

I'm not sure if i can cause i'm scared she will think she did something wrong. But she might bring it up herself cause i"m pretty sure i was looking really anxious, and i didnt say all that much either.

I just kind of feel like therapy is making things worse at the moment. I rather work with my thoughts and feelings alone. I have group today and i have been thinking of cancel it. Would that be such a bad thing to do?

I understand so well what you mean about restricting and energy, but I have a feeling that running your body on so little makes it produce more adrenaline to keep it running- or something like that. I love the feeling too but it's fake. What was different last year while you were in recovery? What helped you power along then?

I'm pretty sure by ambivalence your psychologist just means what is stopping you from wanting to recover- her motive would be that if you can work through it with her you might be in a better position to recover. I know that's also really scary- I am here in this too. Always here for you and hoping today is better

Yeah i think so too. Its not healthy. Last year I really wanted my life back. I wanted to be able to return to work. But i got fired cause there was not enough work. So i relapsed. Yeah ambivalence is about both wanting recovery and the illness at the same time. and i think its a good idea to talk about it. I need to get more in touch with the side of me that wants to recover.

Yesterday i did thought, "i do hate my weight but i hate this kind of life even more. And recovery is the ticket out of it" i think i need to hold on to that. Cause i really do hate this. Im sick of being home all day with no joy or energy and im sick of being in treatment.

Thank you sweetie, i'm here for you too