The Samaritans don't reply to my emails any more and there's something about Shout that makes me think they're not the right people for me to contact. I phoned the informal crisis team and hung up. I phoned Breathing Space and hung up. I phoned the ward and of course hung up because I'm not a patient, and I cried because if I was a patient at least I could speak to someone face to face. I feel so low. I've moved the reminder to phone my CPN tomorrow to an earlier time and hope I will be able to do it. I need help. I need a person. I don't know how much more suffering I can take. I should maybe just go out and finally get this all over with, kill myself.

I hear that that's an extremely painful place to be. If you feel at risk of acting on anything tonight would it be possible to call NHS 24 or go to A&E? Is there anything you can do tonight to feel more comfortable and safer until you talk to your CPN tomorrow? It's okay to need help. We are here too.

I am texting with Shout but don't feel like it'll be useful. I need something big, if that makes sense, I feel at a crisis point. I need someone who knows me well. I will probably be safe tonight, I just wish it was time for me to go to bed and I could sleep well. I don't know if there's anything my CPN can even do for me, she can't be there with me all the time and I don't think an admission to hospital would be suggested at this point.

I think you should phone your CPN and tell her this on the phone or ask for an appointment. I know you struggle with this but give it a go.

Thanks. My CPN is actually on annual leave today. I don't feel able to phone anyone else. I tried to go somewhere on the bus to get out and pass the time but was so anxious and low that I got off early and came home. I just need it to always be time to sleep. I got something through the post today which could be dangerous if it works properly. I've had enough.

Could you be really brave and call the duty worker?

I don't know. I did call earlier and hung up. I might have used up all my phone bravery for today. I'm probably too low to do anything majorly risky anyway. I just really hope my CPN phones me tomorrow. I can't deal with this full day. I don't know what to do.

What can you do for the next hour to keep yourself safe, to look after yourself?

I agree with tamo, maybe we can help you think of ways you might get through the day, and especially this evening, as comfortably as possible? I know that's incredibly hard.

Options for people support:

Duty CPNs - I have already phoned them twice and hung up. I could turn up at the CMHT and see if they are available but they would think it was weird that I didn't just phone and it would mean going on the bus and then being brave enough to ask at reception.

General CMHT - I'm allowed to phone and ask to speak to another CPN who I know if they're not busy. I have already phoned the CMHT this morning to see if my own CPN was there. If I phoned again they might just pass me on to duty and I don't know the 2 CPNs who are on today. Plus again, requires a phone call and me not hanging up.

Organisation where my key worker and informal crisis team are based - I have phoned there and hung up too. My key worker doesn't work on a Monday but I could speak to someone else or ask if crisis might be able to visit me this evening. Crisis don't work through the day so that's not an option. The office is a 10 minute walk from my house so I could go in person but that would also be seen as weird and everyone might be busy.

If I want support I'm probably going to have to make a phone call and not hang up but I don't know if I can do that.

Today I can either stay in which isn't that good for me or I need to go out and get some food that doesn't need any preparation. I could go to Aldi which is closer but I'd have to be served by an actual person or I could go to Tesco which is further away but I could use a self check out. I have already been out and struggled with being out today. I don't know how to occupy myself at home.

If I even managed to phone someone I likely wouldn't know what to say and wouldn't be able to get across just how awful things are.

I wish I could at least self harm well and get some relief but I am really low and lacking in energy and it doesn't even help that much any more anyway.

This is all hopeless. If I get to speak to my CPN tomorrow there will be nothing that she can do.

P.S Apologies if I am particularly useless at supporting other people at the moment.

You're not useless at all, you're not required to be supporting other people to have worth here so please don't worry about that.

Your CPN tomorrow will hopefully pick up from you how much you're struggling. Is there any way you can be explicit about that? If she says about speaking to another CPN while she's away then definitely say yes and if she doesn't then definitely ask for it. It's okay to ask for help.

I also think asking if crisis can visit this evening is a really good idea. Do you think you can call and ask now?

Thank you. If I phoned about a visit someone would have to leave a message for them and then they'd phone me back this evening and it's just too many phone calls. I'm really not sure if I can even do one phone call so if I do try it needs to be the right person I call. I need some support right now and to get that I'd have to phone a place that is working through the day, which probably really means the Duty CPNs. I wish I was brave enough. Of course my other non phone call options could be to go to A&E or message my GP surgery but they will be annoyed because I could just contact the CMHT. I am so ridiculously sick of myself and my stupidity when it comes to making simple phone calls.

You're not stupid. I think it's a stupid system that means you have to make phone calls when you're desperate for help and support. Can you message your GP surgery? That might be a good option. You're very brave and while I hear how incredibly difficult it is, I hope you decide to phone the duty team. We can help you think of what you might say if that's helpful?

If I message the GP surgery they will need to phone me back to tell me what they have decided (if I can have an appointment or what) so I'd have to be able to answer the phone. And I know they will just want me to contact the CMHT.

I'm not sure what I would say to the Duty team.

I just can't do any of this. I am in such agony and tired of fighting through every second. There is no solution.

*Edited - I may have imagined something*

If you're at risk but feel unable to get in touch with anyone via phone, I think you should go to A&E. I know at least in my area they tell you not to do that but sometimes options are limited and if it helps prevent serious harm I think it's a very valid reason.

Sitting with you.

The maybe dangerous thing didn't work anyway, unless it is doing something in a roundabout way. I only really feel able to talk to my CPN about it. I think people would be annoyed if I went to A&E while there are other services available.

If you need to talk to someone today please do, I appreciate it's really hard and the last thing I want to do is put extra pressure on you - rather just reiterate that you do deserve help and support and that mental health should be taken seriously.

Thanks. I managed to phone Duty but they didn't seem to understand how hard things are. They just said to go to the shop and they would get my CPN to phone me tomorrow. I aimed to get to Tesco but only managed to get to a local shop where I picked up a couple of things and put them back down because I don't really want anything and I can't make a decision out of all the things in the shop and I don't want to interact with anyone. So I just came back home.

Lindsay, i am unsure if this Will be possible for you but if you speak to your cpn tomorrow then try to use the words suicidal and crisis. Hopefully those two words Will be enough for her to understand that things are pretty serious and that you need an admission. Nevermind what other people need at the moment, it's about what YOU need right now. And you need some place to be safe and where you can access some much required support. And that's okay!!!!!

I struggle with the same thing myself, the fact that when the times get really tough, my team is off and home. Because times always get tough after normal working hours, apparently. My mind is both clever and rude like that.

Mention your friend's death as Well to your cpn. You don't have to push it or anything but i Think she needs to hear what is really happening here. Sometimes it's okay to need help NOW and not wait to see if it improves on its own. This is one of those times!!!!

Thank you. I use the word suicidal too often, so often that no one hears it any more. I don't think an admission will be suggested and I don't know if I could suggest it. Admissions are saved for big things and I don't want to say this is a big thing and then be told it's not.

My CPN knows about my friend's death. She knew the last time I saw her but I didn't know about her death at that point. My friend was well known.

I don't want to keep on doing this. I don't think I can manage for much longer at home but hospital isn't a good place either.

I want to go to sleep.