Beyond repair.
 

I am broken beyond repair. What options do I have left if nothing has worked?

I am sad. I am storing up pills. I am cutting severely. I am regularly taking slightly too many other pills because I'm in severe pain all day every day at present.

Please can people help me see viable options. Bearing in mind I have to work full time to afford to live.

And I am exhausted. But there's a fireworks display going on less than a mile from my house so I can't sleep.

The only option is to apply to the Netherlands for euthanasia.

This isn't the end, please stay alive and try not to hurt yourself. I can't remember, are you with the CMHT? If so, make sure they know just how hard things are and offer you more support.

The CMHT need to pull their fingers out and help you. There are options, but you need more CMHT input because you cannot keep doing this on your own. I know I remember you saying that the DWP were really awful to you about PIP (something ridiculous about fraud?), but did you ever appeal? I would urge you to keep contacting people until they support you. I know it's so, so exhausting to do on your own, but you need and deserve support and the right help it out there somewhere (that doesn't involve euthanasia).

Have you tried the Linden Method?

Your situation does seem desperate, was there a time in your life when you were OK, happy?

I don't want to be happy I just want to wake up and not wish I was dead and had died in my sleep.

I don't have time to apply to PIP again or appeal.

My cpn said yesterday that she was encouraged that I'd replaced blood letting with severe self harm. What the eff? So it's ok I'm cutting lumps of fat out my leg?! The answer is apparently long term therapy. But for that I'd have to go private and I can't really afford it.

I dunno what the linden method is.

If I'm honest and if things really are that desperate and if you really WANT the help, then if PIP is something that will help then I think you need to make time.

Why do you have to pay for long term therapy? Are you not even being offered short term therapy by your CMHT?

Was it your CPN who said you need long term therapy? My sister's care coordinator did the same. Could you either go back to them or whoever is above them, and ask why they're not going to provide what they've said you need?

What's the point in making time for something that will be a waste of time?

I am being offered therapy in working hours. I can't afford to take time off work. Not a case of I need to prioritise or whate very but that I litreally do not have the means to take a morning off work.

If you're being offered therapy that you really need then you need to find a way to make it happen.

Have you talked to work about it? Could you work reduced hours and get some additional benefits to cover the loss in money? Could you suggest having time off in the week for therapy and make up the hours every Saturday instead? (Personally think this could be a very reasonable and sensible suggestion to make).

I know nothing about PIP or benefits or any of that but I know you need help and you need to do something (other than suicide) to help things improve.

I know you feel like there aren't any options but there are. There really are.

Im a trainee dental nurse apart from 1 saturday a month there isn't anyone in the building. I already work that 1 saturday a month.

There isn't a way to make it happen. That's my point. I can't loose the income. I can't magic that money from anywhere. I don't have savings because I was in hospital 9 months of last year.

This is ridiculous Lillie I hate how you are and have been being treated. I wish I could do something for you but unfortunately I can't, but I can continue to hope things get better for you and care about your well being as you are worth caring about.

Do work know about your health issues? Is there no way that the CMHT can provide you with support or something to encourage your work to be more flexible? Can someone help you with applying for benefits again, someone who knows how to get your points across? I know you're trying and you deserve support. Someone needs to listen to you. Do you think anyone hears just how much you're struggling?

I feel attacked and not listened to that I can not afford therapy or time off work for a weekly appointment no matter what I'm entitled to law wise. This adds to the evidence that all I am is an inconvenience.

I'm not a member of a union because that costs money. Everything costs money that I don't have.

No one is listening or seems to get how utterly desolate I feel. I want love and care and somebody to make it better.

I have tried and all I get is attacked. I'm not superwoman. I just want to wake up and feel ok. Not happy. Just ok.

I wish to die. There are no viable options.

Thanks for saying you care though guys <3

It depends on what your problems are.

The Linden Method is basically an intensive CBT course that you can do at home without having to see someone. It helps get rid of intrusive thoughts.

Google it, it was Nov 2006 that I found out about it, the situation was getting desperate & anxiety was ruining my life like you wouldn't believe.

If it's any comfort, no-one seems to understand either when I try to talk about it, so you're not alone on that one.

Could you explain this more? Just so we can understand. I'm sorry it's so frustrating.

Lillie I know I say it over and over again but I can hear your pain and how trapped you feel and I'm hugely sorry I don't have any practical advice for you. You matter lots and I wish someone would help you to get what you need. Keep talking to people over and over again, maybe they will listen eventually.

Luna- I have to repeatedly say I can't afford something and them am questioned on it. I am thus an inconvenience who should just find a way to make something happen despite me saying I don't have the money.

Cpt- its very very pricey :/

I don't think the cmht understand how bad I feel Lindsey. Though my cpn has she won't give up on me or give me permission to die. Which is unfair if they can't offer me a treatment I can feasibly do.

I'm frustrated, sad, in severe pain and very very lonely. And I'm getting it stuck in my head that I need to do x form of self harm.

There are some grants available for covering costs of medical treatment. They might be able to provide financial support for you to attend therapy. If you Google it it comes up with a few options s and you can find some that might be suitable.

Have you ever felt like the CMHT or anyone at all understood how bad things are/have been? What methods of communication have you tried? Have you ever copied things you've written here and showed them to someone? I hear you loud and clear but maybe we do because we can empathise at least partly. Are you trying not to act on what is stuck in your head? I know how overwhelming things like that can be.

I can not find a grant which will cover private medical treatment.

Sometimes people have got it. But I mostly feel swept under the carpet.

I was thinking more about them covering the lost wages you'd be without if you did the therapy the CMHT is offering. I mean really, they should be the ones finding this out for you. I don't exactly understand why they are not. They've reccommended a treatment so should be offering alternantive financial options for you to be able to do it...

I can't do this anymore. And where are services when I need them? Of course there's no one. It's not ok. I'm not ok. Nothing is ok.

Thinking of you. What have CMHT actually said?

Changing the subject, did you mean the fireworks at Mount Batten? I could hear them too.

Nothing. They say nothing because they are never available when I am because that would be too simple.

Dunno where you mean cpt.

Opposite Plymouth Hoe

Don't know what to suggest but *love and hugs*

I phoned and tried to call my cpn yesterday. Haven't heard anything back :(

I'm glad you managed to phone but it's not great that you didn't manage to get through to her and haven't had a call back yet. I hope she can get back to you soon. How are you doing?

I'm broken beyond repair. I am broken.

You're hurting, you're not broken. I understand the feeling though. Do you know what you want to say to your CPN?

I’m sorry things are so tricky. I know different trusts will have different resources etc. But they *should* be able to offer you something. I have DBT completely one to one through the CMHT because I couldn’t take time out of work to attend the group. It isn’t perfect; fortnightly 45 min sessions and I still have to leave work earlier so I miss meetings, but they said I needed DBT and they found the best way they could to get me it. If there is a time you know you would be able to make therapy sessions, are you able to ask your CPN if there’s any chance of arranging some therapy for that time of the week, and explaining again why it needs to be then and why you feel you need it? (Maybe sometimes they need it spelling out to them?)

Cpn is talking to high ups about funding for counselling out of hours.

I'm struggling to cope after my pain clinic appointment. I can not deal with this illness. I can not deal with being in constant pain until I die. I cn not deal with always being exhausted and sleeping away most of my free time. I am not this person. And I cant deal with it.

How are you doing today Lillie? I'm sorry your pain clinic appointment made it harder for you to cope. Was anything useful suggested at the appointment? I'd hope that these things that you don't want in your life won't be there forever or they won't have the same kind of affect on you forever. I'm glad your CPN is talking to people about funding for out of hours counselling, fingers crossed something gets sorted.

Nothing useful was suggested. Nothing useful is ever suggested. Everyone belittles my pain. I'm shit and I'm struggling.

No words, but big hugs.

If it means anything I don't think anyone here is belittling your pain, I'm definitely not, chronic pain is an absolute f*cker to live with, however I do believe that ultimately you, me and others will learn to live with it, or at least work round it to have pleasure in life, even if when it's at it's worst it doesn't seem that way.

This doesn't feel like it should be in serious but I'm not sure it fits anywhere else.

What do you do when you're fed up? Fed up of life itself. Everyone says its a symptom of the illness but I'm not ill. I'm just fed up. Nothing good or fun lasts for more than an hour or so. I often go for more than 24 hours without speaking out loud.

My body is failing and everyone just expects me to deal with it. The lead specialist told me to work less and do tai chi. Easy for him to say on his enormous salary. My GP is giving me random blood tests because I refused to leave until he did something. And no one gets how hard it is to do a job where I have to be precise with my hands when I can't feel my fingers properly and my hands shake uncontrollably at times. When walking up the stairs is like climbing everest.

I'm waiting for them to apply for funding for private therapy, then I will have to wait for a decision. I've been waiting weeks and they haven't even applied for it yet. I'm just expected to cope and carry on in the mean time.

I spent 9 months in a therapeutic community last year, was discharged to virtually nothing and started full time work 3 days later.

My parents just expect me to keep going.

And so does everyone and I'm fed up. I'm so so fed up. I'm sick of being expoected to just cope all the time.

That sounds really frustrating & unfair.
How much do your parents know about your mental and physical health? Is there any way to explain it to them in more detail to make them see how bad it is and how it affects you?

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
It's infuriating that your MH team fails you so badly. It seemed like you were making some progress while inpatient & were on a path to a better quality of life. But you most definitely should have had a proper support system and care in place straight away.

Thanks for the support lovely <3

Its hard, I think my parents do their best but its hard for them to get it when they live so far away. I am also guilty of sheltering them from the worst I suppose.

My meeting with my psyche was us all trying to think of whats going wrong but I'm so so fed up. Theres nothing more that can be done I don't think. I'm giving up day by day. So is my body.

I know that you already tried and it didn't work out, but do you think maybe it's worth applying for benefits again? If you have a rough idea of what made them decline you last time maybe there is a way to prove that they are wrong about that.

I understand that moving is a lot of effort and also expensive, I just really feel that a different MH team and being closer to your parents might make a difference. Can your parents maybe help you cover and of the costs and work that needs to be done for a move? It might not be feasible, I just struggle to see another way to improve your situation and your care.

I feel really low and sad today. I keep thinking of when I took the lethal od that didnt end up being lethal. I'm so sad that I'm still alive.

I can't move. I'm tied to my job and home.

I don't know how to explain how rubbish I feel. How much I feel like I can't go on.

I'm sorry things are so rubbish for you and you're feeling awful. When you say you can't move, is that something that you would like to be able to do? I wish I had a solution but I don't. Do any safe and kind things you need to do to feel even a tiny bit better if that's possible.

I'm so so fucking fed up of life. I just am sick of suffering. I'm sad. I'm so sad every time I stop it's hard to breathe.

*hugs if ok* What has been happening recently?

I am sorry you are struggling and I am really, really hurting for you.

I understand it is a lot to ask for, but please keep fighting. I love you so much and I can't stand the thought of losing you <3

Everything is overwhelming. Have had some problems with my eyes and head. Feel alone even though know I'm not.

Didnt want to come home after work. Spent money instead. I'm so so sad.

Everything hurts mentally and physically. Work is nightmare. I'm skint. CC is away all week. Have to fight cmht they won't give me therapy for money reasons. I am skint and pay day is not soon.

I'm sad.