Ramblings of a distressed mind...
I feel really bad posting in here, because I hardly ever support anyone anymore. I only have decent internet connections at weekends (I'm IP at the moment) and I don't like my parents seeing me using this site, but at the moment I'm really struggling, so I'm braving it. So, sorry for being rubbish, I really would like to be here more, but it's just not really possible.
I'm really struggling today. I've been making a lot of changes recently, eating snacks outside of my meal plan when I'm hungry (in an effort to stop bingeing), increasing my weight etc. etc... but I know I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it to please my care team, to make people think I'm okay, so that they stop worrying about my food, and let me do what I want. I'm supposed to be moving to a step down unit soon, but they don't know where to send me, because they deemed me too vulnerable for the unit I was going to go to. Social services are looking into it, but I have no idea where I'll end up. I'm hoping it will be somewhere that focuses just on my depression and suicidal tendencies, so that I can lose weight. I must lose weight. I'm virtually "healthy weight" now, and I can't stand it. All throughout my illness, I've always thought that I don't want to be emaciated, just a bit thinner. Now, I'm not so sure. I see really emaciated girls and I just think "I wish I was thin". I've never been emaciated, never had to be really re-fed, but part of me, disgusted as I am with myself, wants it. I'm not even sure anymore that I want to be out of units. I had my CPA at a hospital on Friday, and I kept seeing all the girls from the edu, so thin, and I was so jealous. I don't know why I want to be in an edu, I know it's horrible, but I just want to be thin. I want to have succeeded at something. Yes, I've been sectioned, tube fed etc. but I've never been thin. And that's what I want most of all. And it scares me. I thought that what I really wanted was to go to university. And I could do that next year. My favourite university has said that they would probably accept me with my current grades. And I really thought that that was what I wanted. But now? Now, I just think about how easy it would be to lose weight there. Do I really want to throw my life away? The honest answer? Yes. I want to be thin. Even if that means missing out on all my past dreams. Nothing is as important to me as being thin. How sad.
Sorry for the essay. Thank you, if you read it.
*big hugs* I'm sorry you're feeling this way hun, is there someone in your care team you feel comfortable talking to about this?
Take gentle care of yourself
Try to take a step back from the ED thoughts and ask yourself, what will being thin really acheive? Will you be happier? Will you be on your way to making the most out of life? You are not a failure for not being "thin enough" - the ED will never let you feel thin enough. What made you start recovery in the first place? Could you write down a list of reasons why your ED sucks, and a list of all the things you'll be able to do without it?
Hun, you should make sure you have a good support system at university before committing to going, because it IS very easy to have things spiral out of control when you are away.
I know this from experience...When I went away to college a year ago my first thought was "there will be nobody to make me eat! I can get thin!"
And it worked. I became dangerously thin...sick physically and mentally to the point that I had to drop out of college. My dream college I had to drop out of. Don't let that happen to you. Everyday I wonder how my life would be different if I still had the oppourtunity to graduate from a college like that. Now I will never know.
So defintiely talk to you treatment team about these thoughts. And if they think you are healthy enough to go off to school, they will most likely assist you in finding a therapist or even a whole treatment center to have as support while you are away.
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