Just want to say I read your r/v and hope you'll be ok today. <3

Thanks NP. I will be ok, 18 years is a long time. I think I'm past the point where I used to force myself to relive every moment of watching her die.

It's not a good idea to relive bad things like that, I'm glad you're past that stage. Maybe there are nice things you can remember and think about instead?

Thanks NP, I didn't really think about anything much at all.

I spoke to a pharmacist this morning about what I did to try and open the communication channels because I've started having some pain and didn't know if it needed checked out. She said I might have nerve damage and I should speak to a GP. I have an appointment next Monday to talk about other stuff anyway but I don't really want to bring up anything additional because it will waste her time. I said to the pharmacist that I might need to ask her a question, because I wasn't sure if I was actually going to admit to what I had done, but there was no one else in the chemist and she was kind so I spoke to her. I said it's kind of stupid and she of course said she's heard lots of things and I said I don't think you'll have heard this thing before...She asked if I wanted to speak to someone since I couldn't have been in a good place mentally but I said my CPN is on holiday and I'm seeing her on the 18th. I am glad I managed to speak to her though, it was lucky that the chemist was empty because I don't think I would have spoken to her if it wasn't.

I Fb messaged the food bank last night about possibly volunteering and now I'm mega anxious about actually having to do it. They want me to do 2 hours every Friday but I think I want to start with fortnightly. I'm waiting for their reply anyway.

A huge well did on speaking to the pharmacist, that was really brave of you. Did you find the small talk at all helpful?

I'm pretty certain you wouldn't be wasting the GP's time if you brought it up, they are there to listen and then decide what's 'wasting time' but without the listening part they can't make that decision, do you think you could leave it up to them to decide if you're 'wasting time'?

I think wanting to start fortnightly is a reasonable request, I hope they get back to you soon - waiting is the worst.

Thanks.

Apologies that this thread has been ongoing for 2 years when a lot of what I post probably isn't even serious. It just feels like my go to thread.

I did find it helpful to talk to the pharmacist, it's good not to be alone with things. I'm really not sure about talking to the GP about the self harm thing because GPs are stretched and in the form I filled out it said to put everything that you want to discuss so they will know how much time would be needed and at that point I hadn't done this self harm. I don't think anything serious is going on anyway.

I'm trying to decide whether or not to visit the fire station. The community engagement person who would be going with me said she's fine with me not bringing a support worker along because she can talk me through things while I'm at the station but she's worried about how I'll be when I get home. I don't know really what the advantages/disadvantages of me visiting the station would be. I asked the community engagement lady if she could give me an idea, although I do know it's an individual thing. I'm not sure how to make the decision.

Also, I am really pissing myself off because I keep making distressed repetitive noises and movements and hitting my head. Those things happen automatically and that's not really the problem, it's that I get irritated with myself and tell myself to shut up or stop it. I wish I could find a way to be more accepting and gentle with myself. I sort of wish I could stop hitting my head too as I have an almost permanent headache. When I'm in public I can usually just tap on my head or punch my leg but it's harder to restrain myself when I'm alone. When I'm out I make more noises (trying to do it quietly) and movements rather than hitting but when I'm alone hitting is a big part as well as the noises which are louder. I think by now you all know that I despise myself, but can you think of a way that I can be accepting of how I respond to distress and not verbally beat myself up about it?

I haven't made it to the gym group, yet again. Life is hard and I don't even have a hard life. I wish there was an easy way out.

I wish my CPN was around or I still had my previous key worker.

My head is generally sore and I'm not sure how to know if that's a proper bad thing or not. The self harm/opening communication channels/pharmacist thinking nerve damage thing was to do with my head but I also pick my scalp and hit my head so I don't know where the pain is coming from and if it's important to see about it.

I need someone. I wish I could easily get in touch with someone supportive.

I feel so low.

Life is so overwhelming. I'm sitting here crying. I tried to go to Tesco but didn't make it that far so picked up a library book instead. On the way home I saw lots of smoke and I don't know if it was a uncontrolled fire or a deliberate fire but it was scary and upsetting and I had to clench my jaw to make sure I didn't cry. The smoke disappeared before I got home so I guess it was put out anyway. Then that reminds me of the job fire fighters do and how I now personally know two people in the fire service and that makes me very worried and upset even though they don't do front line stuff any more. I had to tell myself not to email them. I probably really shouldn't go to the fire station with them.

I'm also stupidly overwhelmed because I don't have much food in and I haven't been eating healthily and I was trying to figure out what I could have for dinner tonight but I just got spaghetti to have on toast. I need to be eating vegetables. Then I realised I'd usually wash my hair at about 3pm and even though it's not 3pm yet it feels like I'm running out of time. I am too weak to deal with life. I wish there was someone I could talk to about things but there isn't so I'm having to post here.

I keep hearing mechanical crying and voices.

Have an urge to write cards/letters to people. To acknowledge their importance one last time?

First of all, I think we all would agree, that there is nothing wrong with having a thread where you go to for support, no matter how long it has been going.


Secondly, everything else. Even though GPs are pretty busy, telling your GP about self-harm is still important. It might not seem like anything serious to you, but it's still best to get it checked out. It also might be worth it to talk about hitting your head and how it constantly hurts now. Also, can you discuss your reaction to distress and how it further upsets you with your support worker? They might have helpful suggestions you are looking for.


I understand that sometimes life can feel hard and overwhelming, and I hope you can manage to be understanding and gentle with yourself, which might make it a little easier and manageable. There is no particular criteria you must fit to have a "hard life". If it feels difficult to you, it probably is, and you need to acknowledge that and at least try to be more kind to yourself. Also, what is your current situation with professional support? Are there people you can turn to for support, for example, to discuss the headbanging/headache issue?


Do you think mindfullness might be helpful when you feel overwhelmed? It helped me, so maybe it can help you as well. And if writing things here feels helpful at all, then by all means don't hesitate to.


It seems like you are very distressed at the moment. Are there professionals you can contact about your distress and/or voices?

Thanks for your reply.

The only person I'd really be comfortable talking about my distressed behaviours would be my CPN so I'll have to wait until she's back from holiday. I'm seeing her on the 18th of September and she did say she's back at the start of that week and I can phone if I need anything but I'm not likely to do that.

I'm not great at mindfulness but have been trying a kind of mindful walking thing since I'm reading a walking therapy book. I've only been on one mindful walk but it went ok. Writing things down is the main healthy way I get things out.

I was writing cards for the fire people last night and then realised I didn't have their address. I thought it was at the bottom of their emails. I then got really upset and felt what I had written sounded stupid anyway. Then I realised I had an email reply about visiting the fire station and the lady said she doesn't think a visit would reassure me but there is a safe house place that might be better. She said to have a think and let her know but no rush. She sent the email at 5.39pm and, probably since I was upset, I was imagining that she was annoyed with me and having to stay late to reply to my email. The wording of the email, and the contact I have had with her in general makes me think my feelings were wrong but it's hard to push them away.

My possible new support worker and her boss will probably be annoyed that I'm 'not engaging' with their service right now since I haven't been to the gym group or book group. I hate how everything I do or don't do is noted and I'm not allowed to make a decision as an adult just not to do things. I feel pressured and anxious.

I don't want life. I need to die. I can't even hurt myself properly any more. I hate myself.

I feel very alone again today and there is no one I can contact. I don't know how I'm going to manage with the day because I feel so awful mentally and with a headache and I can't find the motivation or courage to do stuff.

What's your favourite safe thing to do? Can you do that today, or plan it for the near future? I'm not being flippant but sometimes I find that helpful just to get through another day.

Thanks. I don't really have a favourite safe thing. I did try and do some reading while listening to white noise through my headphones which helped a bit but I worry about making my tinnitus worse. I wish I could get out for a walk but it seems too difficult right now. I worry so much about wasting time with the things I choose to do.

If it helps you stay safe or feel better, it's not time wasted. Do you have a garden? Maybe fresh air will help, if you can't face a walk.

I wish I could easily access support and have good people around. I feel so alone and low. :(

Ninja post. Yes I do have a garden but my neighbours are in their garden a lot and I don't want to have to talk to them. Also it's really cold.

I'm sorry you feel so bad. I can't remember, do you have a care coordinator?

It is cold!

I have a CPN which I think translates to what you would term a CC. She's on holiday just now. She's the only person I could really contact who knows me well enough.

That's annoying for you. Is there no way you could call the duty worker? Might be worth a go?