Emmmmmmmmmmmma

I love you sweetie. You're doing so well. I can give you real hugs tomorrow OMG =] I hope today goes alright & I'm sure your eulogy will be GREAT!!!!

My name is Amanda

*snuggles Emma*
Well done for not cutting hun, it can't be easy, especially at such a stressful time. Please take care hun, drinking, ODing, and cutting won't really help (this is the pot, calling the kettle black)*massive hugs* I am sure the eulogy will be great and I bet your granddad would be very glad to know you are doing it.

Katey, good luck tomorrow hun *massive hugs, and then more for tomorrow*

Thanks for asking Emma. No, I didn't manage to get any more sleep *sigh*. And using my wrist sucks (I scoop ice cream at work:pinch: how smart am I?)

*curls up in her corner and tries to sleep*

*gives hugs all around*

This is one of the days I'm out and about much of the day. Three errands on the way to one of my regular aa meetings. Then this is the anniversary of the day my sponsor's husband died, comforted her for a bit. Went to the vision center in Wal*Mart to pick up my new glasses. They fit fine but I tucked them away and I have not looked to see how they look. Yes, I am that nearsighted. Then got socks and cat food in Wal*Mart. Then Auto Club to get tour books for our vacation/holiday. The to the fabric store for 8 spools of thread and a couple of yards of notions.

I've been too busy to have emotions! One of my bad habits, being a work a holic. I need to eat something healthier than pop tarts for dinner, but i'm tired and lazy. Cold cereal? Bring on the frosted flakes aka vitamin fortified candy.

zowie, congrats on the job! :) u can have a 15min break for up to 6hrs, over 6 you get a 30 and a 15, over 8 u get a 30 and two 15s. but don't worry, i used to have to stand for hrs like that, it does get easier, and also more interesting when you get to know the people you are working with.

hello to everyone else. well done everyone for resisting urges and suchlike.

emma, i dont think eulogys can be too long, its all about the remembering.

*sits in a dark corner - rocking and crying*

*snores and drools on keyboard*

Hehe :)

I'm glad it's nearly thursday.....and at the same time I'm very scared =\

Heya everyone :)

Hope your all ok!

Hells tomorrow will be ok hun, i'll be thinking about ya :) your strong you can do this.

Amanda (bound by thoughts) you ok hun?

I'm not gonna be around most of tonight and also tomorrow i don't think i'll be here at all as it's my friend's funeral and i'm absoluty dreading it, i've also gotta do a speech and i think that's gonna be the worst part of the funeral i'm gonna end up being a complete wreck :(

Take care everyone and stay safe and strong. *hugs all round* xx

*hugs Emma tightly*

I'm not strong :( But I will have no choice but to do it with Emma being there!!!!

Sorry for taking up this space!

I'm feeling so paranoid and the feeling is only growing...I want to black out the window so no one can possibly see in...I know that they can't already (am on 10th floor and don't have anyone overlooking my room) but it feels like they can. It feels like someone is...

*hugs Carole*

I feel awful. One of my friends just tried to commit suicide. She's in recovery after surgery now.

I hate the things that happen to us. I hate that we were and are so abused and feel so bad.

I'm going to go stuff a bandana in my pocket for the tears and go back to work. Thank goodness I work from home so my mood won't matter so long as I keep on putting the the pieces of the shirts together.

Oh yeah, exhaustion + hands shaking from too much caffeine and too much sugar = work that needs to be redone.

I probably will need hugs when I come out of shock. My friend will need prayers or appeals to the universe or good thoughts. Thanks.

Oh Blondie... (((hugs))) she is definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

And now I just got word that my friend will be told to no longer communicate with me because I don't see things the way her family does.
I'm saying a prayer for the family member that communicated with me because that is how I've been told and learned how to deal with resentments and anger.
I'm saying a prayer for my friend so she can heal.

She'll be in my prayers too, I hope you guys will stay in contact :) (or have I mis-understood you?)

hugs for everybody :)

I'm sooooooo scared about tomorrow. But Emma will be by my side bless her so so so much. She's leaving Wales at 7(!!!) just for me, kinda brings a tear to my eyes lol. Can't wait to give her a huge hug!!!

*hugs Blondie*
(Am I right in thinking your name is Susan?)
I hope your friend recovers quickly. It's awful that she's been told to stop contact with you. If the basis is you don't see eye-to-eye with her family, how do they see things?

*snuggles her Susan-Mom* I'm SO sorry hun... I'll pray too

*sits in her corner, arms wraped around her knees, rocking slightly and praying to be able to cry*

*sigh*
*sits in corner*

*hugs Alex* Want to talk hun?

Its stupid stuff....
guy stuff :/

i followed him round like a little lost puppy today....and I really wanted to kiss him....and was going to...then last minute i didnt coz i completely fail and i regret it and i know he wont go out with me....i mean...why would he want to?:/...
He wouldnt....
I ended up sat in town today..because I'd walked with him to the bus station and I didnt want to walk home...I wanted to hold on to that moment for as long as possible...and there were all these absolutly stunning girls....stick thin and gorgeous...in shorts and skirts and I was just...really upset...I want to be that thin...I want to wear that sort of stuff....I want the guys to notice me...but I cant because my legs are scarred and people cant accept that and it really gets me down and I just....want to curl up and die....
and because I sat for so long trying to hold on to that last memory...Im all sunburnt ><
and they've invited me out on Friday night...and he'll be there...and now I'll look stupid with stupid sun burn
and I've just realised how pathetic i sound.
I was in a good mood before as well :-(

*Sob*
I'm dreading work tomorrow. It's my second day and I'm already dreading it.
Damn.

*hugs Alex and Zowie*

You don't sound stuipd or anything. You don't have to go around prancing in skirts Alex, be comfortable in your own style. Boys will like girls who act indviduals and not those who always follow the crowd. Trust me ;) Maybe next time you see him, maybe kiss him or whatever and maybe talk a bit how you feel? Ily hunnie you're so so so so so pretty ^_^

Zowie, want to talk about why you're scared hun?

Yes, my name is Susan. Thank you.
I'm going to communicate with my friend as long as she is able. With her family, I am going to politely agree to disagree no matter what happens with them. An argument won't solve anything, will just make no hard feelings.
Zowie, why dreading work? If I may offer a hint from my own food service days, some advil/motrin/ibuprofin helps sore feet. Something that I like at the end of a day is a nice piece of ice. I fill one of those cheap bottles that hold the diet pepsi that i'm always drinking. Anyway, fill it to a couple of inches down from the lid put it in your freezer overnight. Then when you get home, take off your shoes and roll your sock feet over it. It helps lots and even better because you are taking care of yourself.

Susan, good for you hun :) I like your attidue towards this :D

*hugs everyone*

Susan, that is (IMO) the right attitude to have. Your friend is going to need all the support she can get.


I want to eat something but can't bring myself to leave the room...Oh dear God, I'm really messed up!

*hugs Alexx*
Sweetie, research has shown that what women believe to be attractive to men is actually THINNER than what men actually like. And, most women err on the heavy side when judging their own weight. You don't need to be a stick... Men don't like sticks, that's no fun to cuddle.
As to the sun burn, how about some aloe or lotion? I've also heard that vinegar is supposed to take out the sting and the red but I'm not sure about that. My room mate says it works.

Ugh. Meds appointment. I don't want to be here I just want to be at home in bed avoiding the world:crying:
*curls up in her corner and cries*

Thanks guys...
Ive used some Vaseline with Aloe Vera in it....to taker out the burn and replace moisture.
I hope it works.

Ally good luck with the meds appointment hunny

It went alright, thanks Alexx. He didn't ask me if I'd cut since the last time (a little shocked since he's been so set on my stopping) so I didn't have to tell him about the cut on my wrist*phew*. He wanted to know what I was going to do after finishing uni, was I going to stay here? Have I thought about a therapist for the summer? I need to find a doctor. And, oh, he hates having these conversations because 'I'd rather just keep taking care of you' *looks around for her blade to do some damage after that one... Oh... Psych ward. No sharps*. Good lord. I need 'taken care of':pinch: f**k f**k f**k f**k F**K! *this is me, throwing a tantrum* I just don't feel good. I feel lousy and I'm tired and I'm crabby and I just wish it was the norm for life to end after finishing uni... Because after that I see nothing... I don't know where I'll live or where I'll get a job... I just know I do NOT want to go home, not even to the Kelso/Longview area (where I grew up and where 99.9% of my family is)...
Damn.:crying:

Ally Im sorry you're finding it so hard right now :(
Try concentrate on one thing at a time....try look for a job...and possibly start setting some money to one side...then see if you can rent somewhere? Maybe you could share somewhere with a friend?
Sorry if this isnt helping...I dont know what else to suggest
*hugs my RYL big sis gently*

*huggles everyone*

I don't know what to say Ally....I just wish you could see you do have a bright future...*snuggles*

Hugs everyone.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I meet Emma today
But I also meet my psychiratrist today for the first time...scared.

helen and emma i hope you have a great day together!

susan, i am sorry about your friend. you are both in my thoughts.

ally i guess the best thing to say to you is trust your instincts and follow them. you can choose where you go after uni and waht you do, so i guess have a look around, at jobs, places, houses etc, and just go with what feels safe.

*hugs to everyone*

i wish i could get rid of this damn cough.

Yeowie. I have a tension headache that goes from my eyes all the way over my head and down to my waist. Part of it is from working. This is one of those days where I had to undo and redo mistakes. Not big mistakes, just quarter inch mistakes. On something the size of a shirt, that matters.

I've been talking to my friend. I've been talking to her sister who is mad because her sister won't talk to her. All of this via pm.

My I am currently is back to dizzy. In case I didn't mention that earlier, (I think I did in another thread) for me dizzy means exhausted to the point of being lightheaded.

Oh yeah, I got a card from my mom thanking me for the mother's day card and telling me/us that she misses us. I feel bad for her in a theoretical way.

I've been coughing too. I wish I had a pulse-oxygen meter.

Sorry, I needed to vent/whine. I'm physically, mentally and emotionally wiped out.

*jeremy comes in and gives every1 some hugs and leaves a plate a few bags of mashmellows for u to eat*

*gives people hugs*

I keep coughing, I do hope I'm not coming down with one!!!! Wow I meet Emma in 2 hours & 5 mins :D

my cousin is going in for his 4th surgery tomorrow.

*hugs everyone*

Chloe, I hope your cousin recovers quickly! May I ask why he has had so many?

Oh God, oh God, oh God. I could swear that someone did knock on the door and I could swear that something was banging against my window. I'm so frightened that someone will try to get in and end up suceeding!

1st time they undid a twist in his intestine.
2nd time had to do explorative as had relapse and put in a central line.
3rd time had to remove infected central line plus cut out a suspicious lump from his gut (still waiting on results about that).
4th time to undo another twist and cut some more of his colon out.

*holds and rocks Carole* sshhh... it's ok... you are ok

Thanks Amanda (hope I'm right in thinking that's your name)

:crying: I'm so scared. It's not stopping. It's not easing. :crying:

Thanks for the advice Susan. I'll give those a try!
Got work in an hour, still dreading it. I'm just no good at working, I'm so useless.
xx

Heeeeeey from me & Emma :D

Appointment in 19 mins arrrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

*waves*
Hope your appt goes alright, Helen, and that you both have a good day together!

Well today has been pretty emotional. I went to college (big woop not) feeling sooooooooo nervous about the appointment. Kept checking the time and yeah. Jess kinda had a quick go at one point but that's her job to...well sorta. So at 10.20, I left the class and walked down to the car park well the entrance to wait for Emma woop woop!

Emma turns up (YAY!) and we had our first drive and Em missed a turning which was hilarious!!! So eventually took the right one and finally made to my house (after missing two turnings and then hitting the bump- bless her, she's not a bad driver!) So we chilled and came on RYL (as you do (Y)) and then walked to my appointment hehe. Fun times. Had to wait for ages cus the appointment started bloody 15 minutes late >.< But it was a very relaxed chat really and yeah.

So he asked about some of my background and we had a chat about other things. Didn't really ask too much on the self harm & suidice thing..obv mentioned my latest od and yeah got to told to not go there again kinda thing and yeah. So eventually told me what he WASN'T going to do and why, which was really good and honest :) So I'm not depressed rofl. Soooo least that's something. Got given number for self harm group thing (need to ring her again cus no answer earlier) and I have a new counsellor. Only truble is...I need to know how to get there and need to ring back to confirm the appointment she offered me after we came off the phone...she rang back 20 mins after whilst me & em were out.

So after the appointment, we came home, went online, made the two phone calls, had some photos mwahaha and had a hilarious journey back to Solihull. Emma stalled the car haha! (She's not a bad driver....honest!) Soooo yeah we had fun. She met my mum (bless) and then drove me to college. But first we had to get out of the car park. Emma made the first mistake and missed the turning (muppet) and then I nearly sent us down the wrong lane and got us killed....then on the way out we think Emma may have badly scratched her car, oooooooops! So yeah she dropped me off :(

I went to my last lesson and was alright. Jess came in looking rather cheerful and glad I was back. Then at one point she said "work or die" or something like that. Insenstitive :( Then like I heard my name being called several times...whether that was the lads or some voice in my head....I have no idea!!! Upsetting really. I just suddenly went from really cheerful to feeling utter ****. Stuipd mood swing >.< But yeah Jess made me smile at the end so tis alright I suposse.

Feel lik crying u know? I need to sleep aswell, barely slept this morning :( Buuuut here's two pics of me & emma mwahaha!

Oh I almsot forgot, he told me to stay away from psychiatrists...and explained why :p So he's written to my doctor to say I've seen him and he's not wanting to me to see him again...fair play!

*squishes Ally and Emma and Chloe and Susan and Zowie and Carole and Helen and Alexx and Jeremy*

Emma and Helen have fun! *is jealous of you two*

Helen good luck w/ the appt
Ally being taken care of is good we all need that at times and it's a very nice thing
Zowie if you are able to work you are not useless. good luck honey it will be okay and you will feel better after
Chloe i send your cousin good luck for the surgery

in other news had horrid psych appt today. because i have weddings in June and July and stupidly cancelled a bunch of appts i dont see him again till july 2 and not at all in june or the rest of may
this is a long time. like 7 weeks with no psych appts. a little scared but also okay with it because the appt today was AWFUL
he made me show him everything, like actually show it to him
and he told me i am bulimic *is confused and appalled*
i dont understand any of this

*hugs you*

lol you need to read my post above hun, tells you about mine & em's day, might make u laugh :D

I on the other hand need to stop drinking. I need to leave my bin alone and all. (I'm trying to find certain something in there to cut)....grr! I cancelled my weekly night out with my dad aswell. My head hurts. I feel crappy. Don't want tomorrow to come. After my 9.40 lesson, I will never have a lesson with Jess ever again :( Regardless of whether it's a positive sad "because you've come out of the other side"

Did she mean like college? Or me getting through my numerous suidice attempts this year, one/two of which she barely knows about >.<

*cries and wants Emma*

*esky grabs a blanket and a pillow and curls up in a ball in the corner* please wake her when the sun is shining again

Heya everyone :)

How are ya all today?

I didn't think i was gonna be online today but i decided to in the end, i guess the funeral went quite well but i feel like i ruined the last part when i went and walked off cause i just couldn't cope with seeing my friend being lowered into the ground :'( i just want her back.
I so wanna do something right now :( either like od or just cut i don't know i'm trying my hardest not to do anything but it's just so hard.

*hugs all round* xxx