*Hugs everyone*

I'm going to call Tom. Latin exam tomorrow. Then off to bed. So night-night everyone!

G'night Tineke... pleasant dreams and have a nice chat with Tom. *cuddles* Good luck on the exam!! :)

*sends extra-special encouraging hugs to Oliver*

*cuddles April* Someone's really upset me :(

Thanks Owen for the flowers

*cuddles and sits with Oliver* What's wrong?

*cuddles Hels* What's up, sweetie? who's upset you? is there anything I can do? My PM box is open if you want to PM me about it rather than write about it on here.

*hides again*

Will send a pm on this occasion...

*hides with you*

*huggles Hels* Just sent you a return PM...

*smiles at Owen* You can do it... why don't you want to get up? dreading the day? if so, that sucks... :(

You can do it Owen :)

Thanks April x

thanks Owen, I like model planes, used to make them when I was younger

*clings to April* sorry I know its pathetic, but you guys are all I have at the moment.
its a load of stuff, the thing with my sister, is really upsetting me, yes I know give her time, but its been 3 months now and yeah I never expected her to be oh ok fine, but I never expected her to reject me completely, its my birthday on saturday and mum has given her a card and a stamp, but says she doesnt think she will send it and my mum says she is not sure if she will ever come round, and if she does it will take years.
My sister is 17, but my mum says she is young, I felt like saying to my mum well when I was 17 I had been self harming for 2 years, been bullied for 10 years and attempted suicide, off course I didn't say that, but it just felt like my mum was making loads of excuses for my sister, as though it was ok for her to reject me.
spoke to my counsellor about it and he became quite angry that people react in that ignorant way and especially when its someone so close to you.
then I've been really depressed for the last few weeks and I'm seriously suicidal, cutting more and had a panic attack in rehearsal tonight, plus the stress of my upcoming recital and academic work, which I still don't know if its going to be referred or not yet.

sorry I shouldn't have written all of that, its not important, I'm not important.

*hides in shame*

You're welcome, sweetheart. :) Anytime.

My back hurts... muscles are all tense because I am missing 1mg Klonopin for the day, skipped my afternoon dose so I would have at least one for tomorrow... it's going to be hell as my NP isn't calling in a 5-day emergency supply and now it's too late to pick it up tonight... DAMN IT!!!!! :crying: I hate this... mail ordering meds is such a ****ing stupid thing to do. I don't care if it saves the company money, I just can't get the ****ing hang of it!!

*punches the wall really really hard* :-S

Oliver, sweetie, you ARE important, just as important as any of us are. And we care about you. THANK YOU for writing all of that out... reread that sentence... I am thanking YOU for writing out your struggles. I would rather know what is going on with my friends than not. You are a delight to be around when you're not low, and I hope that your mood dips back up shortly. It sucks when you feel so low, trust me, I know the feeling... I'm glad that you have your counselor to talk with, that's very important. *cuddles gently* Sorry I have no words of advice about your sister, but at least your mum is okay with everything, right? I know that doesn't make matters all hunky-dory and 100% fine, obviously, but still...

*hides again*

Sorry I'm not up for typing out my own words right now Oliver... but I am reading along in the ward and this was worth repeating. *cuddles*

Hi Owen *waves*

thanks April, crimson and Owen.

I guess your right April, yeah my mum is being supportive, but yeah that doesn't exactly make things good. I just miss my sister, and hate the fact that she no longer thinks I exist, it hurts a lot.
all I want to do is die, I told my counsellor today that I was becoming more and more depressed again and had been thinking about suicide a lot, but it was at the end of the session, so couldn't talk much, he looked worried and asked to email my college welfare officer so he could tell them they need to be offering me regular support as well.

can't survive anymore, sorry I'm not replying very much or being very supportive, just can't at the moment, I promise I will when my brain can focus a little more.

*hides*

*hides & cries*

*comes over to Helen and hugs* whats up?

*hugs MammaMia *

Can't do it anymore. Can't take this lowness anymore. Scared of getting suicidal. Am overdue an episode of it. Feels like the only way I can reach happiness (even if it is for a matter of days, if that!) is to be really low & then suicidal. I can't do it again. The last time I was like that, was the worst I've ever been. I never want to go back. I don't want to die anymore, like I used to. I want to live & be happy. But I don't see how I'm ever going to be happy like I used to be. They keep telling me I'm fine. I'm so tired of hearing it & trying to fight for help. Something's wrong. Or I'd be happy majority of time, I wouldn't struggle to do simple things, I'd be excited about things..I...I...I :'(

*cuddles Helen* I'm sorry I dont have many words at the moment, but hold onto the fact that you want to be happy and you want to live, because that is very important.

Is it?

*hugs oliver and mummamia (who i think is named helen) wave at and hugs Kahlia1981*

yes helen it is very important, because without that you dont have anything to hold onto
*hugs Julie*

I am Helen yeah :) *hugs Julie*

I suposse you're right Oliver..

Crimson, sweetie, I can totally empathize with what you're saying. I don't have many friends IRL, only one really good one (whom I refer to as my "bestie" in here, in case you were wondering), and the ward folk are my next closest batch of friends. I feel like my life is pathetic too. *cuddles close* Things will be okay... *offers you tissues and a bunch of quince flowers*

Hels, it is VERY important to remember that you want to live & be happy, because then, as Oliver said, you have something to hold on to and cling to when the going gets really tough - like right now. *holds you gently*

Oliver, I'm sorry to hear about how poorly you're doing. I wish I could help somehow. :( I'm glad that you have support where you need it though... i.e., your counselor & then the college welfare office people (I hope I got that right). Please don't do anything "stupid" and please keep fighting as hard as you can... I know it's tough but you are a tough person, strong, like all of us here. We're like oak trees. Deep roots, tough wood, together we can make it. *cuddles*

I'm feeling really shitty right now... have only had half the Klonopin I normally take in a day and I'm beginning to feel it... muscle cramps, my back is all tight and tense, and tomorrow is going to be hell with only one or two mg of Klonopin to take. Jarrod thinks that I need to go off it entirely, have my NP help me get weaned off it, as my body's become accustomed to more and more of it. I used to take 0.25mg/day and now I'm up to 4mg/day... so yeah. I don't know... I just want to cry and give up. :'(

*hides in a hole*

*hides with April*

That's good Owen :)

why does one little thing stress me out so damn much.
*stomps off*

What little thing, Oliver? I dunno what it is but perhaps because you're under so much stress lately? *cuddles* *stomps with because she is also upset and angry and worried*

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyPCC_mdwzE&feature=related[/ame]

*rocks out*

whats up with you April?
its just we've been put in horn quartets by my teacher, who is also head of horn, and I've been put with the 3 first years, so feel like she thinks i am rubbish, I know its stupid and know I'm in one of my moods where I dont care about anything, dont care about college or life, I just want to die.

*stops stomping for a moment to hug April and wave to Owen, then continues to stomp*

*cuddles everyone*

I'm so tired of fighting. Want to give up.

*hides where she cant be found*

*looks around for Helen and can't find her, but realises he has a special way of communicating with all his wonderful ward friends* tells Helen she is wonderful and cant give up, because she is a great person to have on the ward, keep fighting, i know its hard, but keep going.

Thanks Oliver :crying:

ooo, I like sherlock holmes Owen, infact I like a lot of detective programmes, especially Miss Marple and Poirot

*Hugs Crimson*
*Hugs Oliver*
*Hugs Helen*,
*Hugs Julie*
*Hugs Kat*
*Hugs Tineke*
*Hugs Nicole*
*Hugs April*
*Waves towrds Owen*
*Hugs Laura*
*hugs Shadowedsoul*
*Hugs Hayley*
*Hugs JK*
*Hugs Kahlia*
*Hugs everyone he has probably forgotten (Sorry if I forgot you)*

I'm sorry to read so many of you are struggling,I wish I could help y'all more . I'm tired , waiting for my coffee to cool , today we deal with the energy company *Is anxious*

*shakes in corner*

*Hugs Oliver to help him stop shaking*

*hugs my knees and rocks back and forth*

*hugs everyone with the usual addendum*

The monitor still isn't here. That means they didn't send it Thursday or Friday. That means they broke their verbal agreement. This also means I have a $2500.00 brick sitting in my living room. Not happy Jan. This company will pay.

Mood really isn't good and followed closely by dangerous (SI and su) thoughts. I just want all of this to be over.

Sorry for the lack of individual replies. :( Me bad.

*leaves hugs for those that want them and support packages for those that need them then crawls off to find a dark hole in to attempt to disappear*

Julie: Are you okay hun? Is there anything I can do to help?