Morning everyone. How are you all?

I had an interesting evening yesterday. Had to explain to M why it is unacceptable for J to tell my kids she doesn't like x,y and z foods and "i don't eat what i don't like" ... my kids are easily influenced by other people's opinions when it comes to food so I try not to say anything biased when I have them try new things so I get a true reaction. and my kids eat what they're given for a meal or they get in trouble... so her comments could be bad for them more than her...
Then a friend of mine that I haven't seen in at least 6 months came over. She just found out a little bit ago that she has Lupus. Interestingly enough J doesn't like her and thought that should factor in on whether or not she (A) could come over. -Well sorry there J but A is a friend of mine and practically a member of the family so if ya don't like it you can stuff it!- :D
Not sure how I'm doing yet this morning but so far it's been uneventful... might even get to relaxing and peaceful at some point before I go home and start wanting to throw people off my balcony again lol

K now that I finished the post I was making before I ran downstairs to open the office...

Mark~ This ^^. Feel free to PM if you need. *cuddles*

*leaves everyone huggles*

*cuddles everyone*

*cuddles everyone* Sry about the lack of individual replies but there have been like 3 pages since i was on here last. I read them all though. I'm sorry that some of you are having such a hard time right now tho.

I stayed in bed forever this morning. Kept telling myself that i was getting up but then would fall back asleep. Lazy. But i had strange dreams... Some of them were hilarious though b/c i was dreaming that i was going on vacation to england, so it made me think of all of you guys that are from there :-)
The swimming didn't go badly yesterday. Either my friend that i went with either didn't notice(which is kinda unlikely... they are kinda obvious right now) or just didn't comment.. which was good b/c i was in no mood to talk about them.
Hopefully I can get some uni work done today. I sometimes get in this cycle of freaking out where i just sit and think about getting things done rather than actually doing them. I should prolly get ready for the day tho.. i mean after all it is already 1pm here.

Thanks for the hugs and words of support guys , I don't feel like I can tell my parents or my sister and my great friend Hannah has problems of her own so I don't want to dump it all on her . I have lyrics from this song going around my head all day .

THIS SONG IS VERY TRIGGERING *SUICIDE, *GRAPHIC* *, I hope it's ok to link it
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUepuuW7IDc[/ame]

I'm sad right now , at least it's an emotion , a break from the numbness.

I'm sorry I don't know how to hide the video , I hope the trigger warning is ample

Mark~ I had never heard that song before or seen the video. Thank you for sharing but might I ask that you add graphic to your warning? Trigger warning can just have to do with the song itself but part of the video startled me I guess is the best way to put it... I'm ok though no worries :)
If you can't talk to family or friend what about a crisis line? *huggles you and wishes I could make it all better*

Crimson , I've put *Graphic* in the trigger warning , sorry I left it out , my mind is so preoccupied , Man! I'm so selfish

:) not selfish just preoccupied. No harm no foul. Just was unexpected. Thanks.

*curls up and rocks*

*sits n cuddles Helen* Do you wanna talk about it?

*cuddles*

Really struggling. Trying to keep safe. Can't type much at the moment. Got start of my migraine, but I get visual distubances, so can't see too well even more until they'bve passed :( Bleh.

* shuffles in * can I check in for a bit? not feeling quite the way i'd like to, feeling like it's all gonna cave in around me fairly soon. *finds a spare patch of wall and sits propped up against it hugging her knees*

*huggles everyone*

Sorry I'm really not doing too well at the moment and am not keeping up with everyone all that well.

I just wanted to say:

Mark: Thanks for sharing that music video. It was really moving. Suicidal thoughts, and especially if you have a plan, can be really dangerous, so please try to talk to someone IRL if you can. I know it can be pretty hard. *hugs you*

Helen: Sorry to hear you still are feeling pretty crap hun, although I'm glad you had a bit of a reprieve yesterday (um, not quite sure when it was with the time-zone's -talking about with your boyfriend). I really hope things start to pick up. *hugs you and sits with you*

Crimson: Wow, that did sound like an interesting evening. I hope you didn't want to start throwing people off the balcony ... although I must confess to having those feelings at times ... *hugs you*

Laura: I'm glad the swimming went well, and you weren't asked questions that you weren't in the mood to answer. Don't fash (stress) yourself about a "lazy" morning. You must have needed the rest. I hope you managed to get yourself up and ready and sailing into the day. *big hugs*

*hugs Oliver, April, JK, Jenny ... anyone I've missed*

Katnovia (or do you prefer Manda Jane?): Welcome to the ward. Feel free to come in whenever you like. If you aren't feeling quite right just jump in and have a chat and we'll see if we can help. If nothing else we can be another set of ears to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Is there anything we can do to help at the moment?

No. Not really off the balcony but I almost threw the 16 yr old sister in law out the front door to sleep in her mother's car. She thinks because she's 16 acting her age means throw a fit, refuse to do anything or clean up after herself and argue with everyone no matter what. Since I work full time, home school my 7 yr old and do school of my own I figure I shouldn't have to clean up after and argue with someone else's teen aged brat. Realistically that's all she's being is a brat. And my kids (3,5 and 7) know to clean up after themselves. I told her yesterday that I shouldn't have to spend all day working and all night cleaning up after her while I cook dinner and that she needs to grow the **** up. Her response was to refuse to talk to anyone or leave the kids room. She even ignored G (my 7 yr old) when she went to ask if she was gonna eat... So we didn't bother to feed her cuz I wasn't gonna spend another hour of my time arguing with her. In the end M got so tired of it she cleaned up after her (M is her sister that's 2 yrs older).

It was today, well here anyway...*cuddles Kahlia* He never did make it round :(

Crimson: Geez, I can understand how irritating and frustrating that would have been. I think I probably would have thrown her out of the house and into the car! Although off the balcony does have it's merits ... :p (just kidding) Sorry you had to have that aggravation.

Oh with her it's a regular thing. She's lived with me 3 times and her aunt once in the last 2 years. She's was kicked out of here twice so far and out of her aunt's house. She was such a rotten brat there that she was told she wasn't welcome back. She can visit for an hour but only if her mother is there and when her mom leaves so does she. And her aunt has 4 of her own kids, 2 of them older than the brat so it's not like she isn't capable of handling teens just the behavior issues are too much. Personally I'd send her to boot camp if it was my kid but then the local military academy will only take kids that volunteer to go and if they get out of hand they get thrown out... The wilderness therapy places and boarding schools cost up to 10,000/mo.... dealing with her I think I'd get better responces if I were talking to a brick wall most days.

Hels: Sorry that he never made it round. *big hugs*

Crimson: Sounds like some major behavioural issues. I hope you can manage to get some respite from her though.

I'm sorry, I cut and quite badly, I'm sorry for no individuals replies, sorry I'm so useless, I had a v bad night, stood in front of the mirror for ages calling myself a freak and telling myself I was going to kill myself.

now I'm really confused, the boy who I was on about a while ago, who said he didn't want a relationship due to health problems is talking to me again online and I'm really confused about whats going on.
*hides*

*big hugs for all*

Kahlia, it does indeed!! Mehhh :(

Oliver, PLEASE look after your wounds, go to hospital if necessary *cuddles gently* I'm sorry you've had a bad night.

*hides*

Yeah... when people in my house drive me bonkers too much I tell D I'm gonna stay with a friend for the weekend. Either I get to go away for a while or he deals with the issue and I have some peace... win win guilt trip. lol

*cuddles Oliver*
Hun, you are not a freak. Please look after your cut. Have you tried explaining to him why you're confused and see what he says?

we're talking on msn now, I'm stressing I've never been in a relationship before and he has and I'm stressing over everything, arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

ok, he said he likes me and wants to be with me, but is scared cos the last person left him cos of his epilepsy, I'm going over to his house tomorrow night and staying over so we can chat about stuff.

*huggles Oliver* yay! *crosses fingers* hope it goes well :D

I'm sorry guys, I tried to catch up on posts but I just can't, not right now. I'll try tomorrow morning though, or later tonight. I am so ****ing anxious right now... I am so stupid... and mean-hearted on top of that!!

I got a 70% (C) on my exam... the lowest grade I've ever gotten since I switched majors (2007). That makes my class grade a C+ ... which is NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!! And this is a ****ing intro level class (1000 level, and I'm taking all other 3000 and 4000 level courses [1000 = freshman, 2000 = sophomore, 3000 = junior, 4000 = senior level courses])... and this class is the one I'm doing the worst in. :crying: I AM SO DUMB!!!! :crying: I still have a final paper and the final exam to pull up my grade... so I've got to really study for those so I can at least manage a B in the course... :'(

And then I got on WoW tonight and decided to level a little toon, and got challenged to a duel by another player who was 2 levels higher than I was, and he challenged me about 6 times with me declining each time. I don't do PvP (player vs. player) and with the logistics of the classes of the toons at those levels (lvl 6 [me] and lvl 8 [him]) I wouldn't've stood a chance at winning. And so I got called a wimp, then I said: "so you have to resort to calling people names to feel good about yourself? nice..." then quickly logged off, all in a tizzy.

So, I'm mean. :'( Never should've let my temper get the better of me...

I just feel like ****. I want to die... I want to cut. But I can't, **** it all, because Jarrod's at home... well, he's out getting supper now, but... no time to really "do it properly" and be all bandaged etc. So can't. Damn it... :crying:

Sorry for the rant, just had to get it out and didn't mean for it to be here. :'(

*cuddles April* sorry its not more, but my heads not in good place right now.

*huggles April* That wasn't a mean thing to say it was honest and to the point. And you aren't stupid. Maybe you're focusing so much more on the harder classes that the easier level class got left behind so to speak but that doesn't mean you're stupid.

*cuddles Oliver* What's up? I'm feeling a bit better now, vented to a group I'm a member of on LiveJournal about the whole WoW thing and got a lot of people on my side... so I am feeling better about that at least.

*hides*

*huggles everyone and heads home for now*
Maybe I'll clean house and get around to decluttering my closet this weekend... less crap I don't need like or use and less dirt throughout the house may make me feel less stressed about the situation.

*cuddles Crimson* Thanks, love. You're right, I did kind of "leave it behind" but I really shouldn't've done that, blown it off, I knew it wasn't an easy course by the first exam when the average was a 50something%!!! (i.e., a failing grade was the average... bad) So yeah. :-/ But still... I feel oh so stupid... I can't let a C+ remain as that because it will WRECK my transcript... :'(

*hides some more*

WoW talk confuses my brain, lol.

me-bad night, see earlier post for details, but been talking to a friend and feel a little better now, even though I did cut.
plus the guy I was on about a few days ago, staying over at his tomorrow night so we can talk about stuff, which I hope will be good, he updated his fb to say he was in a complicated relationship with me:)
so my head is all over the place at the moment-sorry.

*hugs Crimson*

*huggles everyone*

I just finished cleaning the bathroom and I positively stink of sweat and cleaning products. For such a small room it takes a damn long time to clean - it took me over an hour. And I almost collapsed in the bath. I'm getting a bit sick of that.

My housemate managed to score a job interview this morning. I just keep getting rejection letters. I guess that's okay because I'm a failure, but still.

My housemate and I both had to come off the Champix (drug we were using to quit smoking) as I was severely suicidal and depressed, and he had some suicidal ideas and was starting to feel depressed as well. I believe I asked him to "Marry me and take me away from all this ..." several times. We have to rethink the strategy. Just too risky ...

So tired, and wishing that I could just crash our. We have a friend coming over this afternoon though so that might be what I need to get out of this depressive episode for an hour or so. Meh, je ne sais pas. [I don't know.]

*walks around the ward and hugs everyone then finds a dark corner to hide in until she just disappears into nothingness*

*cuddles everyone* im so annoyed. I just typed out this huge long thing responding to everyone and then my computer froze. Im sry. I <3 you all and will reply later.

*curls up and rocks in corner*

Oliver~that's awesome hun! *huggles*
April~ You can do it. I believe in you :) *hugs*
Kahlia ~ *cuddles and wishes an interview into existence*

*walk through the ward and huggles everyone*

*Waves at Katnovia* Welcome to the ward .
*Hugs Oliver* please look after your cut , don't let it get infected ok , sorry to preach.
*Hugs April* beleive me you are *NOT* stupid, way smarter than me , I agree with what Crimson said
*Group hugs*

*huggles everyone*

My housemate upset me twice today without even realising it. He said that people who had danced for years in their youth had absolutely nothing of value to society. And he said that people who did administration for a living were a waste of space. Then he asked me what was wrong. I'm struggling to hold myself together so that I don't do something stupid and try and end my pathetic life or require hospitalisation and I'm not even sure if it's worth the bother.

*screams and smashes her head into the hardest wall she can find*

So damn over this. Can't.take.any.more.../

*cuddles Kahlia gently & rocks* Try not to let what your flatmate said bother you... hard, I know, though. You ARE of worth to society, and people in admin are absolutely NECESSARY or else the whole company/whatever it is falls completely apart. (Sorry for the non-eloquence of my word choices - just got up and brain is frozen.) Please don't do anything stupid... please try to take care of yourself the best you can right now. Maybe going off the Champix will help you feel better, I don't know. *more cuddles*

*cuddles everyone* No words..

The song portion of this video is really quite lovley
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuvWvzYEv-Q&playnext_from=TL&videos=YcBe76WNhBA&feature=su b[/ame]

try and balance out from the mood of the previous song I posted .

*Hugs Wardies* I could really use lots of hugs so if ayone has some spare........

Awh... what's up, Mark, love? *cuddles lots* And Hels, sweetie, what's going on? *holds you gently and rocks*

I'm meh. At parents' now for awhile - doing laundry, Jarrod's off with my dad target shooting and doing "man stuff" - outdoor work in this case - and I'm also trying (TRYING!!!) to work on my senior sem paper. Total I have 14 pages. I need to have at least - AT LEAST!!!!! - fifteen of writing... which means that I need to add four or so more. :( I have no idea where I'm going to come up with the information I need in the next day... it's due on Monday. I feel like such an ass.

Definitely need to update my dear r/v... :'(

I just feel like ****... hugs/cuddles/snuggles would be welcome... :'(

Updated r/v...

*sighs and hides where no one can find her* :'(

*Hugs April LOTS* I read your R/v thread , I wish I knew the answers too , If you get any ideas pass them on to me ? Thanx for the Cuddles :) I need them.

I.BADLY.WANT.TO.CUT. :( there is a thread in vets support called "so stupid" and I am actually jealous of the cut in it , I have in the past been able to do them like they described but I can't now , can't even do THAT right :( btw it's a triggering post just in case any of you wander off to look at it.

The suicidal ideations are less intense today but they keep coming back and I'm formulating a plan........thats bad isn't it? I hate this depression and I hate myself , it's ruined me .

hey guys. i managed to persuade my mum to let me go to the sleepover, it was really fun, there was just one bit ruined for me, i had flashbacks. bad flashbacks. i could feel him touching me again and i couldnt ground myself i was shaking so violently i fell off the bed and was just shaking and crying on the floor :( they passed after a while though and we watched a film and went to sleep.

*Hugs Nicole* I'm sorry you had flashbacks :(
But it's good that you had a nice time :)

*hugs mark* thankyou, yeah it was a good night overall, walking to tescos at 2.30am! lol. and trying to walk through mcdonalds drive through-they wouldnt serve us! lol

*cuddles everybody lots and lots*

April, you're not stuipd love.
Mark, hope you're trying to keep safe
Nicole, I'm glad you got to go but I'm sorry you had flashbacks. I had them at a friend's house last summer, was pure awful. It got to the point my friend just wouldn't stop holding me. Was cute. Then a few weeks later, I had them at a best friend's, but she managed to settle me a lot easier lol. *sighs*

*curls up*

*cuddles helen* aaw, sorry you've had a similar experience, it really was awful! mine were all crowed around me and i was just laid on the floor shaking and moaning and crying so hard i couldnt even tell them what was wrong, and i screamed everytime one touched me so we just had to wait for it to pass. it was so scary, i've never had anything like that before :(

*cuddles Nicole* They really are awful darling. I think having them in public, well anywhere that's not home or whatever, it's the worst. Not to say having them at home is fun, because it's still **** but least you can comfort yourself more easier, well usually? *cuddles you again*

*cuddles Mark lots more* :) Yes, formulating a plan is a bad thing... please, love, don't do anything "stupid." Suicide is not worth it... you are worth so much more. Don't let yourself get caught in the trap of thinking that your depression has ruined you. It may have GOTTEN you down for a long time but that doesn't mean that you're going to STAY down. *more cuddles* Everything will be okay in the end... you can make it. Keep fighting, keep moving forward - each baby step is progress, even if it's as small as going an hour or a minute without SI'ing or worse - and we'll all be here to cheer you on!! :)

Nicole *cuddles* I'm sorry that you had such awful flashbacks (and Hels, that you've experienced them too)... that sounds horrific. I had a flashback in church once and I had to leave, went out of the sanctuary and just cried and shook. :( But I am glad that you had a nice time and had supportive friends there, etc. Sounds like fun. How'd you get your mum to let you go?

Hels, Laura, Crimson, Hayley, Kahlia, JK, anyone I've missed - how are you all??

I'm so tired... :( I hate being this exhausted. I tried working on my paper, I really really did, but didn't get very far. I HATE THIS!!!! My brain isn't working, I'm so sick of this term, and I have so much I need to be doing. :'( I just want a ****ing break... only 2 more weeks (and that's counting finals!!)...

Just want to sleep my life away... :'(

*hides in shame*