*curls up and hides*
Wish today was over.
I just want to die.

not coping so well today... i just wanna curl up under my desk and cry till there aren't any tears left.

Tonight's been pure hell.
So over this.
Should have by the end of today YAY (since it's Tuesday here)

Jem - I can say, in all honesty, that my computer has never crashed lol.

*hugs everyone tightly*

Spoke to my mum today. She's in Dubbo, she was at the zoo.
I did have a friend that I've known since I was 3 come over today. That was a really refreshing change from the norm.
I also rode my bike down to a big shopping centre and bought a sheet set and a pillow.
Tomorrow I go to "coffee club" at the Mental Illness Fellowship ... feeling a bit apprehensive about that.
Meh. *sighs*

*huggles everyone and plays with Puppy SinClair (I miss my baby girl - miniature schnauzer, now deceased), then disappears into a dark corner*

Hey april, yah i'm well thx's :-)...how r u doing there? *hugs*

I hope ur coffee club thingie does well Khali :-) *hugs*

*checks in* My first time in here actually. Errmmm... yeh Meep *runs to a corner and sits looking around nervously*

I'm not drunk , butI'm not sober . I haven't so much as fallen off the wagon as taken a premeditated jump from it . My face is red but I don't feel drunk . I was so triggered and I've not been S.I.ing I just needed another coping mechinism , I still feel like cutting myself , I mean I've completely ****ed up being sober for almost 2 years it's not much of a leap to go back to hurting myself . I'm just totally worthless , hopeless........ there is no hope for me if I dodge 1 coping mechinism another will just come along and they are all unhealthy ways of dealing with things . Now I'm triggered and less than sober , I want to cut my face , I've been getting that a lot latley . God I hate myself , I don't care , Ireally don't care about myself right now .
Why the ****ing hell can't it all go away?
Why do I feel the need to do bad things to myself ?
Sorry.

*checks in*

Awk, Doikers, I wish I knew a way to make you feel better. All I know is that falling off the wagon (or jumping) isn't the same thing as slitting your throat in the dust. At this point, you have the chance to get back on the wagon, or at least run after it screaming! So you shouldn't give up just yet. I can't help you, but if I could, I would, and I hope you're okay.

*hugs all*

Coffee Club went okay this morning. The staff were smiling and pleasant and didn't treat me like I was the dirt beneath their feet. I have a formal interview on Friday afternoon to finish up the paperwork and stuff. Meh.

I am supposed to be hearing from my pdoc's office today. I rang them and they told me that I might be able to get in to see him on the 10th. Otherwise he might be able to work things out by phone and then I just pick up any necessary scripts or whatever.

I'm heading down with my housemate to see the GP today. I'm going to try and go in as a walk-in depending on the number of people waiting. *sigh* Man I hate doctors.

I am so sick of my damn mood. So damn over it. I just want the depression to lift. *sigh*

*hugs everyone then slips into the denial tent*

*cuddles everyone*

Thanx Silverflame . Good news is I called a friend and she talked me through wanting to S.I. and with her help I managed not to S.I. last night .
I feel drained this morning and that triggered feeling is still at the back of my mind but at least it's not full blown triggered feeling at the front of my mind right now , does that make sense?

*Hugs to you all*

*peeks in & hides*

Yesterday was SUCH an awful day... I feel like I have a hangover from it :( you know that feeling, even though you don't drink (does anyone in here besides me not drink?) or haven't drunk anything you feel hungover? Well, that's how I feel... drained, weary, depressed, sad, frustrated... :(

Just want to die already!! or have this get better, I don't know. :(

I felt like that yesterday April and I hadn't drunk *squishes tight*

Really trying not to OD today. Hasn't been too bad of a day, but hasn't exactly been good...*sighs*

April - I barely drink. Can't stand the smell that most alcohol emits.

*cuddles everyone tightly*

Got to ring my Employment Co-ordinator and my pdoc's office again today. Meh. Am getting both an x-ray and an ultrasound on my shoulder for my GP, then have to make an appointment to see him again around about the middle of next week.

*cuddles everyone, then disappears out into the smoking shelter*

*Hugs Mammamia , April and Kahlia*

I Really feel triggered today ,I'm so sick of this , sorry :(

*cuddles Mark, Helen, Kahlia, & others I'm forgetting*

Mark, love, it's okay to be triggered and talk about it (as long as it's in a nontriggering way... if that made any sense!! lol). No sorries allowed. *more cuddles* I'm sick of this too... things just aren't going well and I don't know how to change that. :( Just found out that my confiding in another professor - other than my advisor - could cost me my internship. DAMNIT!!!! :(

I hate my life... I am so angry with myself. Yet I can still smile & laugh - WTF is wrong with me?!?!? I just want to die... yet I seem to be okay some of the time. I don't get me. I'm such a weird person. :crying:

I am so sick of this, sick of this, sick of this...

*hides in the denial tent, cuddling next to Puppy SinClair*

*Hugs April* I'm sorry you're having such a hard time . *Joins you in the denial tent and pets Puppy SinClair*

*huggles everyone*

I got an emergency appointment with my pdoc at 9 am next Thursday. Hopefully he'll change my medication, and I will start lifting from the depression. In some ways it's all just a bit too much at the moment.

This morning I have physio and then am going to drop into the university to pick up withdrawal forms for me and my housemate and then head to the library to borrow something.

Meh.

*hugs everyone then disappears into the denial tent and pats Puppy SinClair*

I think I'm losing it... I feel like I'm totally disconnected from myself right now. *shrugs* Maybe it's 'cuz I haven't been sleeping right... ~but then if we start the maybe's of my mental state that'd be a long list lately...

Kahlia~ Hope your appt goes well. *crosses fingers*

How is everyone else today?

*leaves hugs for all*

*pokes head in*
anyone around?

*cuddles everyone*

Think things might be slowly calming down again? =]

Feel like ****.

Almost my birthday :|

*cuddles helen*
happy early birthday! how old will you be this year?

*cuddles*
Will be 20 :| :| :| :|
Can't believe it?

*cuddles all and leaves some blueberry muffins on the table top*

awww you're a young'n helen :D
*cuddles jet n snags a muffin*

ah crap i give up, just want to curl up and just feel noithing cant do any of this anymore. *curls up under some blanket and hides*

*hugs shadowedsoul*

I gave in.
I gave in to the urges and hurt myself last night.
I feel wretched despite sleeping well.
I almost didn't get out of bed this morning, it was late when I did .
I can't believe I slipped up and now all I want is do it again:S
Over a months hard work wasted.

*go's and sits in the corner*

*hugs doikers*

don't beat up urself too about it, everybody goes thru periods where they slip

Maybe you learn from it? like identify the triggers or things that you could of done to avoid it?

hang in there ! x

I overdosed yesterday so that I could feel out of it. It worked and it's still working a little today. I feel better. I wish that I could OD all of the time but I get my medication weekly. I don't know what to do any more. I can't live with this pain but I can't die because of my brother.

Thanx for the hug Jetforce

I don't know whats triggered me but I'm triggered again now :(
As for thing I can do to avoid it this time I'm on here , listening to music , took a Diazepam which I hope will kick in soon.

*hugs one step closer*

thanks for the hug jetforce i needed that, hugs doikers, hugs jetforce back,hugs one step closer. hides under blakets again.

*leaves cuddles for everyone*

Try keep safe everyone :( I know it's really hard.

Thought we were quiet, until I realised, I'd missed a whole page of posts, silly Hells!!!

I am completely worthless. :crying:
I want it all to finish now. Everything. I've had enough.
I've had enough.

*cuddles Vicki*
Anything you're up for talking about or just everything at once?
*offers ze hot cocoa n muffins, duvet and plushie*

I feel like ****. Utter ****.

Can't remember if I posted about my internship in here or not...

Sorry you all are feeling shitty too... :( *cuddles all* Mark, don't beat yourself up if you can help it... you slipped, you'll regain footing.

This year I'm aiming to be SI-free. I haven't cut or SI'd since December. The self destruction is more aimed at my ED now... if that makes sense. That might be too big of a goal though so I... don't know if it will work. :-S I mean, spring break is this week, and I will probably go nuts during it. :(

*hides in a dark corner* :(

*cuddles everyone*

April, good luck sweetie.
Vicki, you're not worthless.

I found out some crap news about my **** of an ex boyfriend (and that's putting it lightly), really hurt & upset. He's not ****ing worth it.

Almost my birthday, less than 22 hours to go haha

*hugs lindsay* how u feeling there atm? hopefully u ain't too sick from the OD? take care of urself over the next few days...maybe find something u like do regularly?

*hugs doikers* hopefully u manage to get some sleep after taking diazapam... :-) tc there x

*hugs vicki* keep fighting there! things will improve, it can't stay negative all the time x

*hugs scarlet* i hope u reach ur goal! 1yr is a good goal...but maybe 1/2 yr first? or 2 weeks? something which is achievable and then u can extend longer if problems arises! but yah...i'll be cheering u on, pm me if u need a chat or anything, tc x

*hugs helen* i'll probably chat to u when u wake up later in the day x

me...well, i feel iffy. Not the best nor the greatest. oh well nvm, i'll keep pushing on i suppose. *leaves some Orange juice on the table* tc all..toddles! lol. I think the time difference makes it harder for me to talk to u, oh well :-) x

Anyone want my back pain & migraine???

No?

*curls up & hides*

It's just everything. Everything I try and do throws back at me. I feel worthless to everybody and much as I wish I could believe that things can't always stay negative I'm rapidly losing hope. And there's not that much left to lose.

hey guys, sorry I've been quiet the past week, things didn't go as I had planned and I've been keeping myself busy in the real world...but thats only helped mess things up further, blah...
Ewan came home yesterday....I made it til an hour ago pretending everything was ok, have now fallen apart and am sitting at home crying whislt I've sent him down the pub. I don't know why he loves me. It would be easier for him if he didn't. I wouldn't feel so guilty either.... but I don't know how I'd survive without him. Gosh I feel crap....I really wanna fag but I haven't got any!!! Arrghhh!!!

*group huggle* sorry but its all I can muster right now.

*huggles everyone*

Guys, just like it says in the movie The Crow: It can't rain all the time.
I take that to mean that one day things will improve. Even though it's hard to see that now, it won't always be this bad, this much of a struggle. Hang in there for the good times and don't let the bad times destroy you.

I love you all and would be incredibly sad if something happened to any of you. :(

And given that I'm in a really depressed place, it's amazing I can find any hope at all ... but I see my pdoc on Thursday morning and will hopefully get a full medication review.

*leaves hugs, one of my sister's homemade cheesecakes and a plate of homemade gingerbread men*

That's really positive and has actually put a smile on my face for the first time today. Thanks Khalia. :)

I hope you're doing ok hon.

*massive hugs*

GINGERBREAD MEN!!!! *noms*

*cuddles everyone*

My birthday starts in 3 hours & 20 minutes - eeeek!!! :D Haha too excited. *spreads excitement around*

I'm trying to push away all my bad emotions, nothing is ruining tomorrow.

Cut self .
Hate self.
Die die die DIE!

I'm so sorry.

"It can't rain all the time" grabs hold of quote and hopes............

Don't die Doikers, we don't want you to coem to any harm or die :( *cuddles tight*

*cuddles MammaMia* Thankyou for the words of encouragement

I need to get away from my tools , I need a walk , screw that I'm off to bed , sorry

Look after yourself Mark. Hope you're ok.

*cries and curls up*

*cuddles everyone*