APRIL! A roast is amazing, hard work but honestly one of the best things in the world! It can be any meat but i prefer chicken. Its just roast potatoes, roast meat, veg (i like mine roasted - usually carrots and parsnips) and optional extras of yorkshire puddings, stuffing and gravy. I put way to much oil on mine so i felt very sick afterwards but it was absolutely scrumptions!

Thanks for the help DaVengenzz - i loved the scaptula dancing! hope u had a nice sleep!

Hi Heather! *offers a blanket and comes closer for a cuddle* are u ok sweetie?

Canis - du want to talk about it?? *hugs*

*rubs Shadowedsoul's back and kisses head better* whats making you feel like this hon? i can often relate to feeling like that x

Kiera - The point is that its still hurting you which isnt good and when people love and care about you it hurts them too. You might want to die now but you may be missing out on a beautiful future. I would say to u stick it out, keep fighting *hugs and kisses for a wonderful person*

Deathdancer - i think you are amazing. you are a model for us all. I'm so glad that you are able to find comfort *offers you a cup of teas, a blanket and a cuddle*

Lucy - I'm here now. That sounds like a horrible night for you *holds you close*

Well done Laura! I think thats a really brave thing to do, its always good to let friends now whats going on. *offers tea*

Oh Kahlia - everything sounds like so much atm. Well done for going to your GP and being so open, im sorry that his advice sucked. maybe u could try going back in a couple of days and trying again - persistance can help get things into these peoples heads! I'm glad ur housemate is feeling better, i hope this helps you. Is there anyone you can ask for some emotional support from? have u tried taking ur meds like an hr or 2 away from eating? and only with a little sip of water? I dont know much about ED but if u manage to jst keep ur meds in for an hr or 2 it should have entered ur bloodstream by then. how u feeling now? x x

I was struggling a little yesterday, mainly because my toddler was stressing me out in the morning but when he went to daddy's, me and mrs scarlett were able to chill out a little. I still feel a bit off though :/ a little appathetic which isnt good for me because it means i don't give a crap about myself. hey ho.

x x x x x

*hugs everyone*

I've got a cuddly kitten asleep in my lap - anyone else want some kitty cuddles? He's a very friendly kitten... :)

*gently hugs Kahlia* Sounds like you've been going through hell, love. I'm sorry that your GP didn't really listen to you... and that you're feeling so ill and unable to keep your meds down. What do you take, if you don't mind me asking? Is it mostly for psychosis, or a variety of things? I wish I could do more to help... sorry. :( I hope that things get better soon... not sleeping for that long probably has something to do with how ill you're feeling. I'm glad that you've been able to keep down some fluids... what's cordial?

*cuddles Laura* How you doing now, hun? Hopefully better... do you have any plans for today?

*hugs angelic_monster* We only watched a little bit of the film, as I get restless when sitting and watching a movie or whatever, but it's very good so far. Got us laughing in several spots. :D How's your day so far?

Canis *hugs* What's up? If you want to talk about it, I am/we are here for you...

Kiera *huggles* I used to think the same way, but when I saw how much it hurt my husband, I changed my mind. I still don't understand it, really, and I haven't stopped cutting, but it does hurt those who love us to see us hurting ourselves. Hope that makes some sort of sense...

*hugs Helen* Nice to meet you. :) And glad you're back... how're you? doing any better than last night?

*hugs Dancer* I'm glad that we could be of help to you. :) I'm still so sorry for your loss but you seem to be taking it pretty well... being sad, crying, etc., is fine... but I'm so glad that you haven't done anything drastic. Proud of you.

*hugs Jocelyn* Mmm that does sound good, although too much oil = ick. Hehe. Although if it's olive oil at least it's healthy fat. Hehe. Not much consolation, but still... :P I've never had parsnips I don't think... and I'm just getting back into eating meat after being a lacto-ovo vegetarian sicne 2006. :-/ It was an eating disordered thing and still is... but I really do like fish. *yum* Although I daresay I'm going to get sick of tuna shortly as it's been my lunch for the past few days... :-X

*cuddles Franz* How you doing today? feeling any better?

*holds Lucy* Sorry that you feel insane, love... is there anything that we can do to help?

I'm really not doing brilliantly today... I calculated my BMI for the first time in ages and it says I'm OBESE... literally... obese. I've never been at this high a weight, ever, and it's absolutely disgusting. *cries* I hate my body, I hate my life... just want to lose it and maybe I will if I eat enough and start exercising again... I'm eating more protein again, with the fish, so maybe I will lose weight instead of gaining? :'(

I'm wearing all men's clothes today... camo pants & a "twofer" - a tshirt with a longsleeve shirt under it, but it's really just one garment. This one is maroon and has a lion's head on it, says "Desolation" and has a hood too!! I feel better when I wear guys' clothes since they aren't so ****ing tight. Sometimes I wear tighter stuff (i.e., girls' clothes) but I really prefer not to. :( My husband and other guys have told me that I'm beautiful and that my curves are lovely but I don't believe them. Not at all. I think I'm as ugly as hell and that my curves NEED TO GO. Thing is, even when I was at my lowest weight, my curves were still there... just smaller. I could handle smaller curves!!!! :(

Anyway.

Ummm...

*hides* :o

EDIT - in my "Venting Spot" there is a full length fuzzy photo of me, if you want to see me... :'(

thanks scarlet, hmm everthing at the moment is too much. a freind told me she has 2 weeks to live, make it worse she is joking about it. everthing i seam to do latley just falls apart. cant do handle much more.
big hugs for april. hope your okay today hunni.

*cuddles Shadowedsoul* She's probably joking because that's her way of coping... I'd probably be joking too... I don't know though. What's wrong with her, if you don't mind me asking? *holds you* I'm so sorry that you're going through this, though... is there anyone you can talk with about it?

Thanks for the advice, Kiera. I have a regimen that my personal trainer gave me that I've been doing now and then... I'm not much of a runner (exercise-induced asthma and I don't have an inhaler) and also my hip joints go funky (I can pop them in and out)... cycling is good though. I have a gym membership (campus gym) and will be starting going there every week once classes start back up again (19 January). I have some gym buddies lined up too, so that should be good. :)

Didn't realize that about BMR. :) I nearly completed a nutrition minor so I understand what you posted, but I forgot that your BMR continues to be high. :) I'm eating more than I was, although it is a disgusting amount :( and I can't wait to start exercising more...

*hugs*

*cuddles everyone lots*

Kahlia, you really don't sound very well :( Could you see another doctor perhaps?? *gentle cuddles*

Laura, I'm feeling pretty bad today. Had a bad night, then didn't sleep til gone 6am. I feel so exhausted, my head's giving me hell and a friend of mine has lost her baby :( Just upset for her and reminds me of my own *sighs*

Scarlett, nice to meet you too =) Hope you're okay xx

Thanks for the replies guys.. I don't know why I felt insane. I guess because I'm not used to hallucinating & stuff.. I've only ever done it once before.. & I only do it because of meds withdrawal. & my nightmares had me locked up in mental homes & stuff, so I woke up feeling like I'd completely lost it.

Anyway, yeah.. Thank you *leaves squishy hugs for all*. x

thanks april,she has cancer. no i dont have anybody to talk to about it. just trying to keep myself buzy,and not to let her see that imstruggleing with this. she doesnt need my breakdown. need to atleast apear strong to her.

thanks kiera, she was told by the doctors that she wont make her next brithday,which is 2 weeks away. april there joking about death,and saying really stuiped stuff like,when she is about to die she will chuck herself off the top of the hospital building. sorry hun. i think she joking,but i wouldnt put anything past my friend. =[

sorry imgoing to shut up about this.

Hope everyone here is okay.

*walks over to dark dark corner and rocks slightly*

Thanks Guys
I think the reason I haven't done anything is because of you guys and I promised my grand father on his death bed I wouldn't hurt myself over loosing him. No matter how much I miss him or how upset I get about it I will fight tooth and nail to keep my promise to him.

*gently hugs Davengenzz*
Need to talk?

*hugz Shadowedsoul*
You are not being selfish hun you Care about her and yes the kids will loose her but so will you.
*Snuggles up next to you offers shoulder and a blanket*

*Hugs MammaMia offers blanket and other shoulder*
I so sorry about your friend *squishys you*

*hugs scarlet*
hun Don't hate yourself you are beautiful in every way. if you try to loose the weight plz do it in a healthy way. I don't want to see you hurt.
*Hugs offers lap and a blanket *

*hugs everyone and hand out Tea and Blankets*

I'm okay I guess. Just feeling fragile. One of my musical idols died yesterday, so that's not making me any better.

*huggles and nibbles biscuit*

*cuddles helen* I'm so sorry about your friend. *offers blankets and pillowss for hiding or sleeping in*

*hugs april* I agree with Kiera's advice to just eat healthy and maybe get some exercise. I hope you are feeling better soon. You are a beautiful person inside and out.

*hugs shadowedsoul*

*cuddles franz and wraps with blanket*

*hugs death dancer* I seems like your grandfather would be proud of you for hanging in there. Stay strong hun.

*hugs kahlia* so sorry about everything that is going on. It sounds very difficult. I agree that maybe you should try to talk to another doctor, it doesn't sound like yours is being very helpful at all.

I feel okay right now, I just woke up but so far... We'll see. I may be going to a party tonight, which could be a fun or awful experience with this particular group of people as my anxiety seems to kick into full on guard mode when I am around them sometimes. Still waiting to hear back from my friend. It's fine though, I'm kinda scared to hear the response.

*nods off to sleep, still cuddling spatula and drumsticks*

cuddles close to deathdancer. rests head on shoulder shuts eyes. sucks thumb cuddles teddy.

*borrows kitty* =]
am... yeah.
*leans into scarlett [i should know your name im sure ><]*

It seems like everyone is going through so much :(

Shadowed soul, I'm so sorry. I hope u are able to spend time with her and that you have people who can support you through this hard time *cuddles*

*hugs* mammamia - i'm sorry about ur friend and that its bought up your own loss. I hope ur days picked up? i really hope u get some sleep tonight *offers fleecy blanket*


April - u do know that sex is the best exercise don't you? enough said. :P Plus i really don't think u look obese at all. I think u look gorgeous and i'm sure your husband would agree! Try to be sensible about any weight loss, u know the whole make it part of your routine stuff. I hope you're feeling better now hon x

I'm sorry Davengenzz *covers with a blanket and gently kisses your head* I hope u feel better soon

thanks for the tea death dancer. That's still very brave of you hon. That's an amazingly beautiful and equally difficult promise to make but i'm so glad you're keeping it. Have u got friends who can cuddle u while u cry and shout etc? I really hope u are looking after yourself *offers a big squishy cuddle* x x x

Laura look after yourself if you do go out. Enjoy yourself but make sure you're feeling ok first *hugs and offers a pretty new bracelet*

I just watch drag me to hell with the mrs. Not the best film in the world but hey. I'm feeling alright atm but quite up and down. I feel depressed and triggered but my mind isn't really entertaining the feelings which is bizarre. I don't really know how to explain it but I'm doing alright.

Pizza anyone? I might cook a cottage pie tomorrow, please sign the list on the ward fridge if you want some or have any dietary needs. Sorry April you won't get fish from me, i'm not a big fan!

I'm Jocelyn btw Heather :) x x

Wow, lots of posts!! ^_^

OKAY... since there are two Scarlet(t)s here, Scarletdreamer - ME - is APRIL!!! and Scarlettwhore is Jocelyn. No more calling us just Scarlet... because I don't know who you are talking to then!! me or Jocelyn. :-X Hehe.

Anyway, erm yeh. :o

Jocelyn, yeh I know that sex is good exercise... heh... but I have PTSD so sex really doesn't happen that often. Thankfully my husband understands. I blank out/dissociate sometimes when we are getting intimate, even just cuddling at times, so... :-X

Hrm, fish is the best!! :P And it's good for your brain cells too... makes teh gray matterz better!! (sorry for the weirdness... I am in a weird mood :( ...sorry) But chicken will do. I had a chicken bleu melt today from Subway for lunch - a lot of protein!! Woohoo. :)

Thanks for the compliments. I really don't feel all that pretty... nuff said about that... I guess. You guys are probably really tired of my ED'd ranting. :(

*cuddles Franz*
*wonders why he is still holding the spatula and drumsticks?* :P
Which musical idol? (probably someone I've not heard of... heh)

*gently hugs Shadowedsoul* I'm sorry that you have to put up with the joking and all... it must be so difficult!! Wish I could say something that would make it all better... help her survive... etc. Is she in a lot of pain right now? *hands you a teddybear*

*huggles Laura* What's up now, love? It's been a few hours since your last post... still feeling okay? Are you going to go to the party? I have never been to a party, can you believe that? :o Unless you count the birthday ones I had when I was 6-9... lol. Hope you have fun whatever you do decide to do. :)

*hugs Deathdancer* You're doing a really good job... so very proud of you. I know that that probably doesn't mean a whole lot coming from someone whom you don't know very well, but... it's true. :) You're doing so well... keep fighting.

I'm meh. Got my car fixed up for the trip we'll be taking, tires rotated, oil changed, and brakes totally replaced - had no idea that that had to be done!! It all cost $600+ so I'm glad that we have extra money in the bank. >_< But now she is set for the road. Woohoo. We'll be leaving later this week... am really looking forward to that.

I'm listening to iTunes on shuffle again. :) And I has the kitty on my lap again. He smells like kitty litter though >_< so not the best. Oh well.

Hrm...

*sighs*

hugs april. thanks for the teddy, its probley just her way of copeing. yeah she in pain mostly sleeps alot. just want to wave a magic wand and make it better. cuddles kitty walks into corner with teddy closes eyes.

April- Teh Rev from Avenged Sevenold. >.< Le sigh... *cuddles drumsticks* He's bes the drummer, and an epic drummer he was.

Not feeling great. Very dissociated....

*cuddles everyone*

Now I feel really dumb, heh. The post I put up in my venting thread was against the rules, due to numbers and the photo with deprecating comments. Grrrr. I'm not angry at the mods at all about this, just with myself - predictably. I should've thought of that - the fact that the photo could trigger, that the numbers could trigger, etc. I just thought, at the time I guess, that those rules only pertained to the ED forum. :o

I'm struggling now with the urge to purge. Predictable, huh?

I HATE MYSELF.

huggles april,im sorry. argh!!! i feel so pis*ed off and angery im biting peoples head off for no reason. just so damn angery. *goes to corner hugs knees and rocks* need to came down need to came down.

*holds shadowedsoul & rocks gently*

holds on tightly to april, and cries i cant came down,every little thing is driving me nuts. im sorry,im sorry,jill bad. i keep getting angery and angery.

*hugs everyone*

Jocelyn, thanks ... it's been very hard just recently. I don't have anyone that I can ask for emotional support right now. I'm in a bit of an isolated position. I take my meds well away from when I'm eating but do have to throw quite a bit of water down after it or they get stuck in my throat and I tend to go in a reflexive chocking sort of mechanism. Yeah, at the moment no one would say I have an ED, my BMI shows as Obese still I think - due to having been on Risperdal a few years ago. Right now I'm feeling extremely tired due to another night of not having slept and still nauseous as hell. I managed to keep down a coffee this morning though. Also, my head's playing up. I think overall the answer to how I'm feeling would be ... meh.

April - At the moment I'm on Seroquel XR for the psychosis, Lithum for the bipolar, Xanax for the anxiety (on a PRN basis) and my asthma puffers. Thanks hun. I don't think anyone can actually help at the moment. Yeah, I'm glad that I've been able to keep the fluids down. Cordial is .... well a concentrated flavouring that you dilute with water. I can't explain it any better than that I'm afraid.

Helen - *grabs you and huggles you tightly* I'm so glad to hear from/see you again!! I must admit that I don't feel well ... and I think it's going to get worse. I'm going to have to consider seeing another doctor right now. *sigh*

Laura - *hugs you back* Things are pretty difficult right now. My housemate at least is getting back on track so maybe things will start to settle for me as well.

It was another long night last night. But I guess, it's over now. And I just have to make my way through the day in such a manner as to appear normal. Or something like that. I just really wish I could sleep because I think that would help. Oh well. It might be a case of nipping down to the pharmacy if it ever stops raining and getting an OTC sleep aid or antiemetic or something to give me a helping hand. *sigh*

*huggles everyone*

Really really want to cut :'(

*holds Jill* (sorry, forgot your name!! :o) Have you tried any calming coping techniques? Breathing exercises, yoga, listening to quiet music, journaling? because those might help... and so might being active (about the anger). Try beating up a pillow. Rip up a phonebook. Take a piece of paper and scribble on it until the pen rips through the paper. Just take care not to hurt yourself in any way... because you are worth so, so much more than that. *wraps you in a fleece blanket and holds you some more*

*gently hugs Kahlia* I'm sorry that we can't do anything much... but keep us all updated on how you are doing, okay? even if it's a long post. I'm sure that no one will mind!! :) It's good to hear from you anytime. :)

I'm really doing rubbish right now... want to purge so badly. Had meat lover's pizza for supper as I wanted something that had a lot of protein on it and also wanted pizza, but I think my mind isn't okay with it. The eating disordered part of my mind, at least. I hate that I can't purge. I'm so angry!! at my husband, for keeping me from doing so, and at myself, for not "letting" myself purge. :(

I know it's wrong, but I just wish that my ED would take me... I don't want to commit suicide by OD'ing or whatever, I just want to die... I know that no death is really that easy or pain-free, but... oh, I don't know!! *cries*

*hugs Helen* What's going on, hun, that's making you feel like cutting?

Thanks for all the support about me and my friend guys. It's much appericated. Today's gotten worse to be honest. I'll be fine

I got really triggered. Still am. Just so much ****ing **** in my life all the ****ing time. I'm trying to cope and I cant..

It doesn't sound like you're fine... it sounds like you're struggling. If you want to talk, we're here. :) I apologize if that sounded pushy... that wasn't the intended idea at all... :(

I understand... not 100% - since, as I told another member, I'm not you - but I do understand. My ED got triggered at supper... and I'm a cutter as well, so I well understand SI urges. Stay strong... and I hope that you will have a break from all of the stuff that's going on with you atm. *gentle hugs* If you want to talk about what all is going on now, you can PM me or another person, or post here... talking might help.

I don't know where to begin with all my ****. I'm about to lose my job :( It was only a tempoary contract as it was a christmas temp job, but I want to stay sooooo much. I'm hoping to be asked to saty but I doube it.

My mental health is really giving me **** right now :'(

I miss my baby so much and I'm trying to help my friend (who lost hers) but I don't think I'm doing a very good job. I know it takes time and you don't want to talk and stuff.

One of my best friends is going into hospital tomorrow for an operation and I don't want her in there yet again :( We probably won't talk much over next few days =( I was going to go up ther to be with her and look after her daughter but we had an argument and she kinda threw my offerback in my face and got her cousin to look after her baby.

Soooo much **** and I dont know how or where to begin explain and these irges are making it really difficult to do anything.

SOrry.

Sorry for what, sweetie? *holds you gently* There's no reason to be sorry. You have a lot of stuff going on right now... it must be **** to be pretty sure you're going to lose your job especially if you like it, and having the offer of taking care of your friend's daughter being thrown back in your face - ouch. Arguments with ANYONE are difficult to deal with, especially close friends.

I wish I could help more... never had a child, never lost one, so I can't say I totally understand that. I don't really understand the grieving process, actually, so I would make a rubbish grief counselor. (I've lost both sets of grandparents and a close second cousin, yet I haven't grieved for them... I feel so numb and cold when I think about them all...)

Is there anyone around IRL that you can talk with about your urges? In the meantime, try to distract yourself. I'm sure you know ways to do that... do some calming things as well. Have a cup of tea. Do something to help your body relax.

*more hugs*

Sorry for whining and taking up space that someone else could use. I'm a worthless piece of **** anyway. Should just go curl up and die rally.

I'll just have to find another full time job now I'm out of education somehow. I'm going to miss some of the people there.

Arguments suck. End of. Lol.


Griving processes affect everyone, you'll cry eventually honey *squish* and process it in your own ways.

*squishes back*

You're not whinging. You're simply talking about what's bothering you - and that is important to get out, partially just for the catharsis of telling someone, and partially so we can help support you better.

Yeh, I agree about arguments. Lol.

Is it difficult finding jobs where you live?

I hope I grieve sometime... I mean, it's been YEARS since my first set of grandparents died... and been almost a year and two years since my grandad and grandma (respectively) died... and only a month since that close cousin of mine died... shouldn't I be feeling something by now?!

Grieve comes out in different ways. I should know >.< I feel like I've never really grvied for my granddad (he died when I was 1) and my aunty (she died when I was 7). So I know. Plus when I thought a friend had commited suicide (turned out to eb a massibe lie) I didnt 'grieve' for over a week...

It is hard to find jobs, espically with this stuipd recession.

*huggles Kiera and Helen*

Gonna go to bed now. Am really tired... plus, I want a little "me" time before I go to sleep, so will probably read. Love you all... hang in there and keep fighting.

♥

Night night sweetheart

*squishes everyone*

Sending all my love to everybody. :)

*hands out teddies*

*hides in the corner under a nice dark blanket* I'm not feeling too good. very triggered but not sure why. i cant think of anything else. I was weak but it wasn't quite enough. i don't know. i just don't know

*stares at wall*

had dinner ridiculously late... break rules. should punish =\

and dad made me feel wicked guilty for screwing my aunt out of money cuz of grades [she cosigned for loan]... but liek... i really did try this semester i just =\ and then he said i didnt care b/c i hadnt apologised to her or called her when i was doing bad during the semester... uhm because i hate confrontation/it woulda getted back to my parents even if she said it wouldnt/she doesnt get it >< meh =[

and then hes only letting me use computer at night til 11.... it wont help sleep earlier... just means hafta deal with thoughts and urges and cant type out... and meh. and hafta take a shower every morning/wake up at 9... dont like showers in day time and dont liek be up so early when gots nuffing to do... meh =[

*cries in corner and clings to teddy*

*gently hugs helen* You are not **** and please don't be sorry about posting. Things sound really rough for you right now. It's okay to vent/talk about it if u want to. I lost my job a few weeks ago, it sucked... and the funny thing is, i wasn't even getting paid and i was laid off :-O (apparently, they didnt need people to stay on next semester at the lab i was working at).

*hugs april* i know that it doesnt feel like it, but its good that you can't purge. Sorry that your ED is so triggered right now. You've never been to party *throws a mini one right here so you can say you have- passes around drinks and blasts music*

*cuddles kiera*

*offers blankets and pillows to both scarlett whore and horseridinbbe* Hang in there.

The party was cancelled so i obviously didn't go. Just watched a movie to distract myself. I'm not sure it worked, actually i think it just made me annoyed at my sister who asked 3000 questions about it. Anyway, i'm stupid.. I sometimes feel like a broken record on here... sorry if my posts are just annoying. I should shut up.

*hugs everyone*

*gently cuddles Helen* - I wish I had some words for you darl. Just wanted to let you know that I'm sending you some warm thoughts ... Not to help you get through everything but just to get through each day.

April - sometimes grief takes an awful long time to come out. I must confess that I haven't grieved for my step-grandad because I have not accepted that he is dead. He passed away about 10 years ago but to me he is not dead. When I go to my grandmothers place I know that he won't be there, but my brain just tells me that he's somewhere else.

*hugs Kiera gently* - Sorry I have no words at the moment hun. Just wanted you to know that I read and am thinking of you.

*hugs Franz* - Thanks for the teddy. :D

*gently cuddles Jocelyn* - Sorry to hear that you've been so triggered. How are you feeling now?

*hugs Heather* - Sorry about the situation with you aunt, the loan and your dad making you feel guilty. Sending warm wishes your way.

*hugs Laura* - Your posts are not annoying darl. Don't shut up please, keep letting yourself release what you need to release. This is a safe place, and that is what it is here for.

I opened up to my housemate this afternoon for the first time about what has really been going on with me. He advanced that idea that my ED might have returned without my knowing it - due to the regular and consistent vomitting. He told me to get a new GP. I think though that I'll give my GP one more chance because I'm not 100% sure what got through to him. Like I'm pretty sure that I didn't tell him I was vomitting my meds - not because I didn't want to but because I wasn't able to communicate properly. I spoke to a pharmacist about what was going on today and was talking about trying to get an antiemetic ... they said that at the present point in time they didn't think I'd be able to keep any of the available antiemetics down long enough for them to work. :( Meh. I've had an okay day today. Am going to try some dinner in a little bit. Just going to take things easy. I am going to write my grandmother a letter though ... I've been meaning to do that since my birthday (September).

*curls up in a corner clutching a teddy bear and tries to go to sleep*

*hugs Heather* sorry hon, that sounds awful (I'll be praying for u sweets)

Kahlia, that makes sense. Its good that u've thought about changing your gp if u cant get through to him this second time - are u going to book an appointment? *gently squishes you*

*echos Kahlia* Laura you are not annoying, you are not stupid and you should not shut up sweetie. Maybe its a good thing that the party was cancelled, it's not a good idea to drink when you're feeling triggered, i know from recent experience. I'm sorry watching the film with your sis didn't help :( *offers cuddles*

April - *sending you big snuggly cuddles and lots of love* how are you feeling sweetie? sorry i'm way too tired to try to catch up but i hope u didn't have too bad a time last night x x x


I'm feeling quite sore this morning. I'd been distracting myself for a week and i don't think my mind could last any longer. I've got a plan, one of the good ones, going to keep a record of when i feel triggered so that instead distractions i can concentrate on keeping safe during those periods or avoiding situations. I don't know but it's worth a try huh?

I went to the pub last night to see some old school friends and it seemed to turn into a bit of a school reunion as we kept seeing people. It wasn't great. I'd taken the mrs and it should have been just quiet drinks with nearest and dearest and instead i ended up coming out to a load of people i don't really mind if i never see again! Hmph, I felt really bad for my girlfriend, i would have hated that if i was her. We didn't stay too long though so that was ok

How is everyone today? *serves tea and toast and reminds people to sign up for cottage pie! :P *

sneaks in and curls up in corner hugging knees,hides under a blanket.need some escape need some breathing space.

Jocelyn - Yeah I have an appointment with him next Wednesday but I'm going to try and make it earlier. It would be good to have it on Monday.

*cuddles everyone*

Don't really have any words of support for anyone. I'm sorry. I know I should be more supportive, espically as I whinge and sound like such a broken record all the time. *sighs*

Think I have come down with a cold after all. Wish it'd make its mind up though whether I have one or not. I keep sneezing all the time, and my nose runs a bit. Ugh. Been coughing so much over last few days =( My mum has a cough, so we joked she's shared it back with me. But my throat feels so rough today :/

Can't be bothered to go to work later. Going out before I do which will probably make me want to go even less. What's the point when it's my last day tomorrow?? :( I don't even see my Dad tonight like normal. Silly man double booked himself, don't know how when he ALWAYS sees me on Wednesdays. Perhaps he's punishing me too?? For being in so much agony on Boxing day that I couldn't go out with him. If so, he doesn't need to. I can punish myself thanks. :/

My best friend is going into hopsital today. She said she'd text me in the morning before she went in. As her cousin (who's looking after her baby) will keep hold of her phone for her til tomorrow evening. But no text so far, I think I pissed her off pretty badly yesterday. God I ****ing suck. Our relationship is really rocky, espically at the moment :( Maybe some time apart will help?

Sorry, I really didn't intend to make a post to whine. I'm so sorry :(

*goes and hides*

^ *finds and cuddles*