i'm 17- binge eating/bulimia
 

It's time to admit that thing have spiraled out of control for me. Writing the word "bulimia" in the title line was an odd moment for me. Nobody who knows me would ever imagine that I struggle every moment of every day with this consuming obsession with my weight. I am a healthy weight, an athlete, and I know I seem confident and at ease with life.

I lost soem weight last summer healthily, through diet and exercise. Before that, my I never thought about what I ate. I can't even imagine what that was like. As the school year ramped back up, I didn't ease off my diet in a normal way, I allowed myself little mini-binges, one bad meal. After this, I'd feel guilty and constrict my diet for a few days. As the binges got bigger, the constriction got tighter. I would eat maniacally for a while, then restrict for longer. I'd stuff my face for a longer while and then starve myself even longer. As these oscillations amplified, I gained weight. I hated myself more and more with every pound I gained. As I began a binge, I'd throw up after a while times and try and go back to dieting, only to continue the binge.

My clothes stopped fitting. All my healthy summer weightloss was nullified by Christmas. As I hated myself more and more for gaining weight, the problem intensified. I think about food every moment, whether I am dieting or binging. It consumes my life. I'm slowly gaining weight and hurting my health.

I cannot stop this cycle no matter how hard I try. All I want in the world is to be normal. To just eat when I am hungry. To be like everyone else. I am able to control everything in my life, and I am so ashamed that I have let this happen to me. Every night I lie in bed and hate myself for failing. If I want to lose weight, or eat normal, why do I do it?

I don't have any emotional turmoil. I live an absolutely beautiful life. I am going to college next year and it's time to stop letting this eating disorder make me miserable. From the outside, I seem like a perfectly happy person, but this is tearing me apart. I need to know that it's possible to change, because I have tried so hard and it's only gotten worse.

Hey,
Well done for admitting all this - I'm the same and find it almost hard to believe myself that I have an ED, let alone admit it. I'm afraid I don't have much advice because I aven't quite figured out yet how I've managed so far, but I just want you to know breaking the cycle is possible.
For years I've been stuck in the same cycle as you, plus intermittant times of just restricting for a few months. This winter I think I was at my worst, I was binging for hours every night then purging and eating nothing during the day - I was literally a zombie living for the momentary high b/p would bring, I lied to my arents, I had no energy, I was failing uni, and in my warped mind I didn't want to or deserve to recover. Then one night (without being too graphic) things went quite badly and I ended up passing out several times and my HR was very low - in short I was scared for my life. Since then I've almost gone cold turkey with the whole cycle, I admittedly do purge once in a while but since about a month ago something licked in me - why on earth am I wasting my life for this? It has only been a month and every day is a huge battle but it does get easier. I have a friend with a similar problem and we're fighting this together so if there is anyone you can talk to go for it, it's really helped me.
I'm sorry I don't have much advice but I just wanted to let you know that it is possible to get out of the cycle, and life is 1000000 times better already. Feel free to pm me, all the best xx

You've done well to write this all out so well done. Have you ever received any help for your eating issues? It might be really helpful if you haven't. You may also want to have a look at this link on distractions for bulima. Keep fighting, you can get through this. Take care
Kat xxx

I am the same age, and have the same problem. I too, am an athlete, and lost a fair amount of weight through healthy dieting, then I lost even more through unhealthy habits, but now binge eating and bulimia has crept its way into my life. I'm also gaining weight and I hate it. Part of me wishes I could go back to my old restrictive ways but it just seems impossible. I know this post isn't really helpful but I just thought I'd let you know that I understand what you're going through and how difficult and torturing it is when your life and happiness revolves around your weight and body image. I don't really have any advice, I'm sorry. Maybe there's comfort in knowing there are other people though. Hugs xxx

Grace,

I can completely relate to what you are saying. Our stories are a bit different, but they are also similar.

My bulimia began after a long diet. Like you, I was not able to wean off my diet and transition to regular eating. I was obsessed with food and weight by that point, and I did not have a healthy relationship with food. And thus the binge eating/restricting -> binge eating/purging/restricting followed. That was almost two years ago, and it has really ****ed up my life.

I am in really deep. And I really hope you aren't. But if you are, you are not alone. And if you are, know there are plenty of people who have been deeper and who have come through the other side a better, stronger person.
I have accepted that I am absolutely not going to wake up tomorrow and all of a sudden going to be a natural eater. No way. I have created a pathway in my brain that says food=pleasure purging=release, etc. That is not going to go away, today, tomorrow, next week, or next month.
I know the thoughts and temptations of binging and purging are going to stay with me for awhile. I just need to find the strength to resist and the strength to do the next right thing. That means not binging. It means sitting with the pain. You may lead a picture perfect life, but there is no one with bulimia who does not have pain.

Anyway, hang in there with me. I need to beat this. I need to. Or the consequences will be very serious for me. They will be for you too if you don't beat it too.