*hugs everyone* sorry its not more. <3 u guys. hang in there.

*hugs everyone and then curls up*

Am in pain with my chest. Ugh, my best friend wants me to go up hospital but I'm not as it'll be so busy and will make my already shitty breathing worse. Ha, if I was at hers, I'd apparently be going. Meh.

*cuddles Laura & Hels* Laura, how are you doing, hon? You've been evading that question lately, it seems... And Hels, are you sure that going to the hospital wouldn't be a good idea? If you're having trouble breathing & it's not "just" a panic attack......... *extra cuddles for both of you*

helen - hope you are okay. If your chest feels any worse please go to the hospital. *hugs*

april - i know i'm evading it. Things are... well things. Sorry to hear you've been struggling so much lately. I've been trying to keep up with reading tho. *hugs you too*

I spy kahlia! *offers cuddles*

*huggles all*

sorry i'm not up to much at the moment. :-( me crap.

^this^ *cuddles Helen and offers a plushie* I know it sucks to go to hospital but sometimes it's better safe than sorry.

I suck at replying but my PM box is open if you need a listener or just to vent and get something out... *hugs*

Oh I remembered another good thing from yesterday that you guys would all think was awesome (or well the ones that know my apartment is like a halfway house for friends and in-laws anyway...) J finally finished getting her crap out of my place. I freed up a good 4 ft by 4 ft space yesterday! :D *claps with excitement* so I'm down to me, D, my kids, MIL (who should be out but isn't actually staying where she's house sitting so far) and V. If we get MIL and V out I'll have a huge amount of space in my livingroom again. But with J's stuff gone Ari said "look daddy we have a fireplace again!" LOL gotta love 3 yr olds... it's like she thought the fireplace was actually gone since she couldn't see it lol. And I asked if she wanted to use it to roast marshmallows and she got excited... D's gonna get a hatchet so we can chop some of our wood (we have a couple bundles and a part of a trunk of the birch the landlord cut from the front yard this spring) to kindling and get roasting sticks n hot dogs n marshmallows :) I can't wait... SMORES!!!! lol *sorry for the randomness... just one thought followed another and tada...*

*hugs everyone*

April, Laura, it probably would be a good idea. But fridays tend to be very busy due to drunken people etc. So yeah & my mum wouldn't take me. Although I think if I asked Matt (my on/off boyfriend), he probably would take me. Last time I told her about my chest hurting, she just looked at me to say what do you want me to do about it? :'( Yeah, my breathing isn't really due to panic attack, I don't think :S

Hmm anybody about. =(

yep.
what's up?

hmm doesn't matter forget I asked that. Hmm somthing is up but it's okay. I'm okay sort of. Sorry to waste your time.

You aren't wasting my time... I was just sitting here to start. *hugs* Still around for the most part for another hour and 20 min if you change your mind...

Sorry for no individual replies, I want to, but I just can't. This is going to sound so so selfish, but I am too tired. I'm forever comforting other people, giving them advice and when I need it I look and there's no one there. That's my fault, I know, I pushed them all away but I just can't anymore. I can't give other people comfort and advice, I can't hug everyone when I am breaking myself. Oh God, that is so selfish. I just don't know what to...sorry, so sorry.

xx

Lia, sweetie, you're not selfish, not at all. You've given so much here and taken so little, it's time that you got some support yourself. Please try not to tell yourself the lies that your mum tells you... please try and listen to us, when we say that you are a lovely, kind, caring person that deserves happiness/health/peace. *cuddles gently if okay?*

Crimson *cuddles* That is happy!! *does the happy dance with you* Hehe... :) Awesome. Hopefully MIL will move out shortly... and then you can REALLY do the happy dance. I hope you enjoy your fireplace. :D

*cuddles Laura* Wish I had words of wisdom to offer, but know that we're here for you when you're ready to talk and also, my PM box is open if you need - anytime!!

*cuddles Kahlia* You're not crap. What's up??

*cuddles Jill* What's up, sweetie?

I'm about to learn more about the Air Force... and I am royally terrified about any changes that will be taking place in our lives. :-S I don't know how to evade them, I don't think I can, and THAT is the scary part. :'(

*hides in a hole and cries*

*pokes Lia* that's not selfish and i'm here :) *offers hugs and an ear*

*cuddles April* but at least if you can't evade the prospect of Jarrod in the AF at least you can be included and know what's going on and what will happen... Not the solution you want I know but it's better than being blindsided, hun. I'd write down all your questions in advance and anymore you think of while the person is talking so you don't forget any and get a business card if you are getting answers from a recruiter so you can call if you think of any.

*cuddles everyone*

Incase anyone should care, my chest is much better, as is my breathing.

*glomps Helen* of course we care! and I'm glad you are doing better. *huggles*

Thanks sweetheart, hopefully going to sleep soon, getting quite tired & was awake early yet again!

Can I take my last post back, it's started up again :'( Going to try sleep.

*hugs helen* i care too! i'm glad it is feeling better. hope you can get some sleep.

EDIT: i saw that you posted as i was typing... sorry to hear that it started again. Maybe you should get it checked out soon.

*hugs crimson* that is happy news about those that you live with!

*hugs april, lia, jill, kahlia, luke, nicole, mark, JK, and everyone else i'm missing*

For those that offered to let me PM them, thanks. I can't really talk about anything right now though

o yea... and a response to earlier.. Lia - It was really brave of you to open up in here. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that. *hugs*

I'm going to try sleep now, or least soon, I think it's stopped again, but I'm not sure. Hope it has & stays away. *hugs Laura* I hope you can talk soon sweetheart, not good to isolate yourself.

Oh & forgot to say, well done on being so brave to open up earlier Lia *cuddles* I'm really sorry you've gone/going through that sweetheart.

I'm 19, 20 in November. What I'm doing is essentially the last two years of high school. Then I'll either get to repeat the second year if my score wasn't good enough or go to uni. yay. I think.
I read over your r/v too. *hugs* Sorry I don't have too much to say. I didn't sleep too well and my brains not working. I did want to say that I know how you feel with not being able to get rid of the blades. I can't manage it either. :(

Thanks Lia. I do actually like the lessons and I've made a few good friends this year but I'm struggling to concentrate to any extent at all, especially outside of class, which means that I'm not getting the best marks which is causing stress and major dissapointment. It seems I'd rather panic then get work done.
Getting my sleeves wet has actually been a rather annoying issue. :P I've had to wait until my housemate goes to work to do the washing up, and he works strange hours.
And it was good of you to open up too. *cuddles* I'm here if you ever want to talk.

Sorry about the lack of replies to everyone else. It's taken me an hour just to read over stuff and make this reply. *hugs and stuffs to everyone*

im 21 i swear ;]

Being 21 doesn't mean you can't love kids movies ... otherwise I'm screwed because I'm almost 29 and I l-o-v-e kids movies

hmmm, although the guy the gave me to pretend to be my psychologist so that the HQCC would think they were trying to "help" me when they weren't told me I only liked kids movies because I never had a childhood. I said then how come most adults liked Shrek??

Thanks April would you believe me if I sad nothing was wrong? or would you know I'm talking rubbish when I say that. The answer proberly yes to that. I will try and answer later when I'm not feeling completely out of it. =( not sure anything I have just said makes sence.

*hugs Crimson* I'm glad you are slowly getting space back in your house and you can now toast stuff :)

* Hugs Helen* I hope your chest is feeling better today.

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs Kahlia*

*Hugs April*

*Hugs Heather* What movie is that I don't think I've watched it :S hmmm.

*Hugs Jessica*

*Hugs Laura*

*Group hugs to everyone else *

Argh!!!! I really need to stop getting so wound up over sweet nothing, need to chill out before I get into more crap. =/

Sorry no individual replies at the moment... I feel so selfish for not... but... oh, I don't know. Jarrod & I talked more about the Air Force last night & it seems more doable now that I know that (probably?) for advanced training I could live with him on the base. At least, that's what it seemed to indicate on their website... not positive though. Crimson, do you have any illumination on this? :-S Because I really don't want to be living on my own for weeks/months on end... I don't think I'd do too well. Anyway. :-/

It was another late night. We were up until 10:30pm - I know, not late for a lot of you, but for someone who WAS used to going to bed at 7pm (when we were first married, due to Jarrod having to do so much overtime), then 8pm... it's late. Lol. I'm still not used to it... and probably never will be. Guhhhh. :( I feel kinda low now and I'm not sure what to do about it... I guess nothing?? Fill out res apps? and make myself feel even worse? I don't know. :(

Sorry for blathering about me for so long... oh and Mark, I think the movie is "Pocahontas"? Not sure though...

*hides in a hole*

updated my r/v... :-S

OK, selfish moment from yesterday over. Sorry. I'm really sorry. I was a cow to one of my friends as well. She got annoyed about something and swore at me so I had a go back and told her as hard as it was to believe I'm a person and that I wished people would stop getting at me all the time. But she's right to, they're all right to. My mum's got the right idea about me. Anyway. So basically, yeah, I'm sorry.

April- I don't know what else to say. I feel pretty hopeless. There's no a lot TO say. The Air Force is better than the army, less risks than the front line, that's something I guess and there's no garantees that he will get in yet. He might not. They are rather picky. I don't know what else to do except climb into that hole with you and give you some tea, which is my answer to everything. Oh, and I read your R/V I know what you mean about not knowing how you feel, I get that a lot and it's dead confusing. You know you're not great, but you kind of don't know what and don't know what the negative feelings are. You just know they're there. Just telling you that so you know I understand and you're not nuts or anything. Mind, being as sane as I am is no comfort whatsoever.

Jill- What's up sweetie? Breathe. Lol, good advice Lia.

Hey Mark, how are you?

Yes, it is 'Pocahontas' I've never seen it, but I recognise it. Kids' movies are the best, they remind me of a time when life was simple and I didn't know what my mum did was wrong and everything was oh so happy. But I don't think it was though, that's just the picture I have in my mind. I wasn't happy even then.

How's everyone else?

*Leaves ar of hugs*

xxx

Anyone around? I'm bored and tired, despite the fact I actually got a decent night's sleep last night.

xx

* spots Lia and Hugs*

Hey Mark, how's things? Sorry about yeserday. Selfish moment.


xx

Hey Lia , that wasn't selfish at all , we all need to get stuff out sometimes , otherwise we bottle it all up and thats not good.
I'm haveing an issue with a wound and am constantly tired despite not getting out of bed till late and then napping .Heh.

Hows thing with you ?

Maybe you're over sleeping,, that can make you tired as well- if you sleep too much. I know it's not good to bottle things, but that doesn't stop me doing it, I hated myself so much after yesterday's rant, I won't be doing it again in a hurry. Back to being my normal self now with the pretty mask.

Is it infected? Make sure you clean it properly and change the dressing reguarly. Sorry I'm not more help, but I'm no medic, although I have been working at a vets all week.

xx

It's dressed up and not obviously infected , It doesn't want to stop bl**ding though , although not a lot sorry I hope thats not too triggery

Dw, it's not. I can't remember where I put my blades anyway, so even if I wanted to cut...there's on in the back of my phone, but where my phone is is another matter altogether. Try squeezing it, or holding a wet paper towel to it. That sometimes helps with the bleeding. When did you do this? What is it that triggered you to cut? You don't have to answer, just if it would help to get it out.

xx

Hello guest viewing this thread, you can't reply, but I hope you're ok.
xx

I was just VERY triggered last night, very angry at myself, no ONE thing triggered me , lots of little things mounted up , I think the wound is about 24 hours now , well almost , sorry my replies are taking so long , downloading a patch and my P.C. is slow because of it :)

Lol, dw, I'm reading now so mine are likely to be a little slow too. Sorry we weren't able to help you last night when you were triggered. Why were you angry at yourself? You've done nothing wrong.

Oh, is April your actual sister btw, or your 'sister'? I've always wondered.

xx

I don't know Lia , I just HATE myself sometimes and have been very low for quite a while , I have Chronic Depression which is no fun.
April is my RYL sister . but I care about her a lot :)

Sorry. I'lll stop questioning you now.

I do to. Hate myself that is. People think I can be big headed at time, but it's all an act. I hate myself so much I can't even open up on here because I don't deserve the support. Everyone else matters so much more than me and I hate to hear myself whine, so I don't. I keep it in because I don't deserve any sympathy or support. It's selfish of me to ask for it, especailly when everyone else is struggling so much. I wanted to cut myself yesterday because of my rant, the only thing that stopped me is because someone asked me not to. I don't even know her, we're email buddies, but only for about two weeks. But for once, I was going to do something right by someone else and not be so blody selfish.

Sigh, another selfish rant. Oh well, at least it was all down grading and not whiney.

Do you know April outside of RYL then, or did you just meet on here? Sorry, I know I said no questions, but at least this isn't a heavy one. A nice light subject. I think.

xx

I spy a Lia, Oliver and Mark!
*runs over to and tackles them all into a group hug!*
*picks them up and dusts them down*
*gives all other wardies hiding and dotted around appropriate tlc packages for when they have time to open them*

well I saw the doctor about crutches, pain meds, back problems etc. Trying a new (well old really cos I used to be on it) painnkiller, good old tramadol. Pain has been lessend but oh my goodness I'm so dopey!

May be back on here later depending on dopiness, just wanted you to know that I'm ok(ish), safe and all. bleurgh, brain so slow, fingers moving slowly...

I did a PM to April (I said I would about my ED) and it took 45mins to type, lol now my brain and fingers are even slower.

I should shut up now and go and lie down with reggie.

Thinking of you all - in a spaced out way!

Lia , You deserve as much support as everyone else , It's good that you didn't cut yesterday for whatever reason you have , for someone else is better than cutting. You're not selfish , not at all *Hugs*

I Met April on here , but I know her all over the net , sadly due to geography not met in person .

Hmm I feel extremely low tonight, really stuiped thoughts running through my head, really want to act on them. really don't care tonight.

Mark, thanks, but I don't. I really don't. *Returns hugs.*

Hey Haley, glad that you're not too bad at the moment, even if you are a little out of it on drugs. Maybe it's better not to be able to think straight.

*Hugs Jill gently* what's wrong sweet?

xx

Lia, sweet, you really really do deserve the support that we can give. I understand - somewhat - that it's your self hatred & life of abuse speaking here, but you are worthwhile. And you are a good person. You wouldn't support others if you weren't, especially since you aren't really looking to get anything from it. I'm so glad that I've met you and that you've opened up some... that was huge of you, it really was. *hugs gently* And I'm glad that you didn't cut, and as Mark said, even if it were just so you wouldn't hurt someone else, that's still an okay reason not to hurt yourself. *extra hugs* Oh and yep, I'm not Mark's real sister but we do know each other all over the 'net, after meeting here first. :)

*cuddles Mark* How are you doing, love? Has your wound stopped bleeding yet? :( I'm sorry that you're having trouble with it... how have things been lately? Sorry I didn't comment on your last LJ entry... and I need to read your r/v, will in a bit. Just didn't feel up to it when you posted, sorry. :-S

*cuddles Hayley* I will try to reply to your PM shortly. :) Be warned, I SUCK at replying to PMs, although I do try... but thank you very much for putting forth such effort!! :) It meant a lot that you cared enough to do so. You are amazing - as is everyone else (and yes, I do mean EVERYONE) in here.

I'm still really nervous about the future, but not as much yet... I don't know, perhaps God is helping calm me down, who knows... But in any case, I'm actually kind of excited about Jarrod going into the Air Force, I don't know, does that make any sense? I guess you could definitely say that yeah, I'm conflicted. Hah. :-X Dumb me.

Anyway... um, I just took a 2 hour long nap... while Jarrod powerleveled my toons on WoW. Whoops!! I usually try and at least keep him company... but I am sooo close to having my mage be level 60 - she's 59 now - and I can't wait until she's 60. :D Oh and Crimson - sorry I didn't answer this sooner, but yeh, if they're still the right levels, I can run your toons through BFD sometime, although I don't know my way around it (lol) - have only been through it once or twice, if we're on at the same time. Or if not, I can do SM - not very fast as I'm not sure how much health my main has as a tank, not too high I do know that!! simply because I've not invested in filling out her tanking spec. Anyway. :) Sorry I didn't answer you sooner on that, it was completely accidental. But my mage got TWO EPICS from Scholomance (the dungeon that Jarrod's using as a powerleveling place)... that means that they are truly awesome pieces of gear... I'm so excited. They're gear that the BoA leveling gear was modeled after. :D Sorry, I know I'm a nerd... :-X

I'll shut up now...

Glad you seem to be ok at the moment April, it must be catching because I am randomly happy! Mind, with my weird mood swing that probably means I will be as depressed as anything in about ten minutes, but let's enjoy this for now.

I spy Helen! How are you sweet?

Thanks April, I'll try to believe you and Mark, but it's hard. I just think that my mum has the right idea about me. You don't know me, you don't know what I can be like, how pathetic I am. I don't show my emotions much, if you saw inside my head, you would hate me too.

xx

Grr, sorry about posting the same thing twice, I thought it hadn't done it first time.

Lia , oops My computer went off then on then off then on and cycled like that for a bit so I didn't mean to abandon you *Hugs*

April My wound is still bound tights under a dressing and tape to add pressure , I hope it's stoped bl**ding but I check when I next change the dressing before bed *Hugs*

*Hugs Jill*