I can't do more than *hugs*

I wish I could. I need to help me. I need to keep him alive. I need to cut. Can I give up on that 5 months free now?

Cheap wine and compulsive shopping with temporary highs and always wishing i wasnt so alone....always looking for the next bed to fall into...
I HATE who I am...
I'll just go now...

*hugs Alexx*

Sorry, it's all I can offer at the moment...

Its more than I get off most people..thankyou..

*hugs shadow and voice* no giving up people thats reserved for me right now!

*hugs* if we're not allowed to neithr areb you! i'mb just about hoilding on. gonna tryb sleep now though srtay safe guys?

I wish we could hold on to Jeff. I'd be grabbing as tight as anyone. He means so much to me. But just like the rest of us, he is in God's hands.

I'm easing back some on the time I spend here. I need to get some rest and to take care of myself for a while.

*cuddles everyone* you'll be okay guys...

Mmm, I'm five beers in (used the other for a soup that didn't turn out to be so good)... Susan, I was a good Christian girl once... You could probably call me a 'fallen away Baptist'... God and I are still ok... But, like so many other humans I want His will to be the same as mine :crying: He knows what's best in the long run because He can see it all, from the begining to the end... But... Geez, does He not think of what it will do to us? Jeffs family?

*retreats to her corner knowing she is a bad Christian and curls up to sob her heart out*

*snuggles her God mommy*
You are not a bad Christian

I'm..confused...whats happened to Jeff?:'(

*cuddles her God daughter back*
Thanks dear, but it feels that way, you know?

Sorry hun, nothings happened... As you may know I am SO out of it and drunk besides... Add to that the fact that I am by nature a woret-wart... I should probably be ignored, at least for a few more hours... Till I'm sober *shrug*

He is easing out of out lives is all.

Ally, you are human and God knows it and accepts it. And I am sobbing too. I can't change my attitude to like what is happening. All I can do is try to be open to god's will.
But why has God been beating me up so much the last two years?

*shrug* folks say that God never gives us more than we can handle... But, what we CAN handle and what we WANT TO or are WILLING to handle can sometimes be two different things... Damn free will...

Well, yeah. Tell me about it. I'm just feeling so beat up right now. And there is nothing to do about it.

that is one reason I'm not a Christian anymore...

*hugs Amanda* well hun, all I can say is I hope you've got more reasons than that... Because when it comes down to it, that one is about is being stubborn, giving up, or, as Christians, not relying on the strength of God... It is hard though, to come to terms with some things... Things that, as a Christian, I believe God is in control of, but that, because I can only experience the here and now, I don't understand... And I believe it is that not being able to understand that causes all the hurt and anger we experience *shrug*

*steps away from the pulpit* oh goodness, sorry... I guess I just wanted to clarify that what I said wasn't intended as a slam agains God/Christianity...

I understand

but it might. if i take enough then i'll be out cold all weekend and not have to think about anything

*sends hugs*

*screams in annoyance at life*

*hugs Chloe*
Sweetie, please be careful... You can take that much and miss the whole weekend but it can also do ireplasable damage to your body *snuggles* I love you sweetie, I don't want anything to happen to you.

and what a bottle of tequila wouldn't do for me
and i'm 3 weeks away from being 14 years sober

When is this pain going to end?

bleurgh. *curls up*
i want bladessss =(
i want the fat offffffff
ugh.

*cuddles her RYL-mum* oh Susan, I'm sorry *hugs*

*sigh* I've got super glue all over my fingers... Used it to make sure my cut stayed closed (taped it closed but it's in a position where it could easily come open) and the damn thing leaked all over me:pinch:

*hugs everyone*

Didn't cut last night, but is that a good thing anymore really? If I let myself cut, I could help my friend. He was still around at some point early this morning but I was asleep, and who knows what happened between then and now.
Gotta go to work in an hour but I just want to stay in bed and avoid everything. Nothing exists anymore, it's not real. It's not. I know as soon as I'm at work I'll have to start pretending, but it won't work. Too many of them on facebook, they know what mood I was in last night.

When will the hurting end? When will life stop beating me up?
3 days from 7 months no si
3 weeks from 14 years no alcohol
I won't give up either of those but...
I HURT

*sighs* life sucks >.< i feel terrible. i want to sleep but i just can't... get there!

i wish i could make veryone feel better. *sighs* it just... sucks. i'm sorry for legtting veryone down.

*cuddles ppl in the psych ward*

Hang in there all u lot !!! xxx

ally, don't use superglue. it's fully of nasty chemicals. where are your steri strips/butterflies?

blergh. i feel like crap. want to OD. but i know that if i let myself start taking the pills i won't stop and i have over 3X the lethal dose of something.

Take care of yourself hun, keep the pills somewhere where you can't see them.

thanks zowie. hope you're feeling ok i know it's been tough for you lately.

going out in the dark on friday night to return a dvd i just remembered is due. hope i dont get attacked

you'll be okay chloe! *cuddles* just remember keys can be a weapon and you'll be fine :)

*hugs zowie*

*hugse veryone*

morning *hugs all*
i have my nurse coming over in a min, so need to put my 'everything is fine' face on, if she knew how i was feeling and thinking, i just know she would put me back in hospital.

maybe hopsital woul dbe good? safe at least... somewhere you can get help?

*hugs for everyone*

ty voice,ty jess i can't go to hospital my ex would take my children i definately couldn't live without my children. i am not feeling much like living right now but at least i have my children.
well my nurse seems to think i might have developed bi-polar? she is going to talk to the phyc about my meds and get me somemore sedatives.

ah yes, the children, sorry dear i'd forgotten! *cuddles* well at least you have something that is keeping you alive! *nods* i hope things pick up for you.

i'm going ot bed now becuse i'm tired and grumpy. hope you're all okay. *hugs*

sleep well jess and thanks for helping, your fab! *cuddles*

*hugs everyone*

Work seems to be putting me in a better mood. Strangely, the more I pretend I'm ok, the more I actually believe it.

My dad's taken my blades away from me! I'm asking for them back but he keeps telling me to think of alternatives.
Phoned EIP who told me to use simple distractions and wouldn't listen when I told them that they don't work. 'oh, just watch some tv, have a cup of tea' they don't ****ing work!
Beth's being really violent, she's strangled me twice today and is telling me to hurt my 16 year old sister.
I don't know what to do. A&E?

hun you need to at least let you dad know how beth is being, i would give NHS direct a call or even phone a&e see if they won't you to come in xx
hi shadow sometimes its easy to fall into who we 'pretend' to be

I'm back to black, grey, purple and lavender.

Except tomorrow which is the company picnic for Philip. The shirt i'm planning to wear is grey, but it is about the 200th anniversary of Lewis and Clark's "voyage of discovery" For people like Philip and I it is just a way of showing we are willing to be sociable and that we have manners.

*hugs everyone*

*Goes off to comb wet hair*

Right, hopefully I'll be heading home within the next 20 mins. just waiting for my lift to finish. After that, probably won't be online until Monday at the earliest because we have family visiting and I can't stay on the laptop much because I keep passing out and I get scared that I'll knock it off and break it. Hopefully I'll have sorted the passing out by tuesday though, so everything should be ok.

Anyways enough of the essay just wanted to leave a big bag full of *hugs* for everyone over the weekend and I hope you're all doing ok.

*sits in her corner, knees drawn to her chest, arms around her knees, chin on knees and thinks...*

Other than lousy I have no idea what I am feeling... blank... numb... hollow... I don't have a clue :confused:

Hey everyone. *gives out blankets and yummies*

Please stay safe all.

Feeling empty today except for empathy.

i told my therapist stuff today, almost everything i'd been trying to work out how to say .. and his response was immensely disappointing. i give up on it all. whats the point anymore? theres no point in trying to mould myself to what they want when they can't even see when im asking for help.

You can only change when you are ready...I am not very good with therapists and cant really offer you any advice but i will be thinking about you.

*hugs everyone*

good mood, crashed. Now I would like nothing more than to cut. But I'm stubborn. Dad told me to go slash my wrists (his words, not mine) so I'm not. But I need to do something.

Good LORD! :Gasp:
*cuddles you*

Why the hell would someone say that? I had someone say something similar once...and i found out someone very close to me had said somthing worse but whatever this is about you!
Glad your stubborn and not doing it! *sending positive energys*