*huggles all*

Just letting you all know we have the internet back again!!!

hugs Mark and Kahlia and misses everyone here. I am so f'ed up at the moment I am no use to anyone, but miss you all terribly and think about you every single day.

*Hugs JK* I miss you too :(

fanks Mark, I still here, just not much use to anyone. But I still care about you all heaps x

I care about you too , Remember that you have to look after yourself first and foremost okay .

thanks hun, we all need to care about ourselves better hey ;)

*hugs mark* good morning.. although it is night for me lol.. its 3am here.

*hugs kahlia* glad you have the internet back*

*POUNCES EXCITEDLY ON JK* I'm sorry to hear you aren't doing well hun. Here if you need anything, but i am very excited to hear from you. *hugs extra*

*hugs everyone else*

Yes , I know it's easier said than done though , but we have to keep on fighting .

Thanks Laura, I'm OK, just a little disenfranchised and not particularly inspired. Will be OK longterm though I'm sure.

I do miss you lot, which is quite a nice feeling to be fair
x

*Hugs Laura* 3 am!?! In the morning 3am?!? Crickey . are you having a tough time sleeping? *Hands over a lavender scented pillow if thats the case*

Why is it you can never scream or cry when you really want to? Or never stand up for yourself when you think you should?

Like today, I read 3 and 1/4 Chapters of my textbook, and these are not small chapters being easily 60 - 80 pages in each in an A4 style book but my housemate is mad at me because I "didn't leave the house". I know that I struggle to leave the house because of my Agoraphobia and that the "exposure therapy" in getting out is supposed to help, but I worked so hard at my readings, and I made sure that the house was clean and the dishes were done.

DOESN'T ANY OF THAT COUNT FOR ANYTHING?

I also noticed that our internet was off and changed the settings for our new provider so that it was all set up for him when he got hom. But nothing I do is worth anything to him. I may as well go and kill myself because he wouldn't even f*cking notice.

I'm so over this. I just don't want to go through this anymore.

I'm sorry. This just hurts so much.

*cuddles JK* I miss you too! I hope you will be okay in the longterm. Hang in there <3

Mark- haha yea, 3 in the morning. I dont know why im still awake, i should probably go lie down soon. Had a frustrating evening at work so now i've been chilling out for about 2 hours and cleaning... yes i know i'm weird.. cleaning my apartment around 2-3AM.

*takes the pillow and heads over to corner for sleeping*

*Hugs Kahlia* You shoulden't kill yourself , I'd miss you tons and am sure the whole ward would too , Well done on all that reading AND cleaning AND internet stuff , it sounds to me like you had a productive day .I think your flatmate would miss you a LOT too.

*cuddles kahlia* taking care of the house really should count for something, im sorry that you are feeling unappreciated... that is really unfair. Please don't give up though, you are doing so amazing, fighting thru everything, especially lately. Hang in there hun.

*jumps on JK and then hugs everyone else*

*Hugs Helen*

I just got back from having Lithium bloods taken.

Then I met with my Nurse and told her how my S.I. has spiraled into a daily occurance for me and that I've stopped my Antabuse and that I'm feeling low . She is going to research in-patient S.I. programmes in the UK for me . I didn't even know they existed . I'd give it a shot , I'd try almost anything ( Hence why I came off the Antabuse) , I'm really desperate .:(

*tackles JK then cuddles everyone else*

JK, we've missed you!! (obviously!! ^_^) Sorry that you're not doing the best, but... well, it would be nice to have you about a bit more, although no condemnation or anything for you not being about as much as a lot of us are!! :)

Mark, well done on talking to your nurse about that. I hope that she finds an IP self injury program for you that you can go to for help. I will be praying about it (if that doesn't offend you). <3 you, big bro. How are you doing otherwise?? Played any WoW lately? *huggles*

Hels, how are you today, love? *huggles you too*

Laura, I hope you eventually got some sleep!! Cleaning your apartment at 2-3am-ish is rather odd, lol, but if it works... :P *huggles you as well!!* How are you today? how's uni so far?

Sorry not more individuals... am tired as I got up at 5:20am. >_< Again. Second day in a row, stupid me. I have no idea what woke me up this morning. I really hope that it's not becoming a habit... >:( I am going to punch my sleep cycle in the noggin if that becomes the case!!! (no idea how I'm gonna do that, but hey, sounds good, ey?) Hehe.

Uni starts for "everyone else" on Monday & my bestie may have moved by now... I miss her already. I have no idea how frequently I will see her and I haven't even gotten to say goodbye (OR gotten the music I loaned her back... >:(... not a happy April about that!!). Poop.

Stupid ED. It's 8am and I've been up for nearly 3 hours and haven't yet eaten anything (or taken my Abilify, whoopsies, haha - evil medication [for me] that it is!!). My tummy is growling but I don't want to eat anything. Stubborn me. But I'll have to if I want to have any concentration today... so I shall do that in a bit. :)

*cuddles everyone again, then goes off to hunt down some food* :P

Prayers that I can get into an inpatient S.I. programme ( that lets me stay on my meds !) would really really be appreciated April , Thankyou :) *Hugs Ya* I looked online but coulden't find any programmes ,hmm my nurse has more resources I guess <3 you lil sis :)

*leaves hugs in a pile for everyone*

Sorry, I tried to do individuals, but I'm tired and I think I'd miss too many people.

So yes, I am very tired having had very little sleep last night. I'm also feeling quite anxious and scared and just generally very down.

*cuddles Mark* I will be praying then. :) And I'm sure that any IP program would understand the need for meds!! (I would hope so, anyway!!) How are you otherwise??

*cuddles Claire* Aw sweetie, I'm sorry that you didn't sleep well last night. :( I got up super early for me - 5:20am - but slept okay... wish I could give you some magical faerie dust that cures all problems!! How are you doing, other than very tired? (or does the tiredness overwhelm all other feelings? - because I've been there too!!)

Thankyou April . I would have thought that a S.I. inpatient programme would understand the need for meds too but quite a while ago when I was in rehab for alcohol they took all my meds, anti-depressants, everything and wouldn't let me have them , needless to say I went and got VERY upset and angry and only lasted 3 days .

*Hugs Claire* I'm sorry you're feeling down and scared and those things :(

*hugs everyone*

I wish the tiredness did overwhelm everything else! I might post an actual thread later, try to straighten my head out a bit. I'm meant to be going out soon, should be okay. Maybe. How are you apart from tired?

Mark, I hope you find something. I think I heard of one place, but unfortunately it was for 'young people'. I also can't remember anything about it. I'm not much use!

Yeah , young people aren't the only ones who struggle with it , I've posted a thread and hopefully someone on RYL will know of a place , and also my Nurse is in the healthcare field so should have some luck :) I'm just hopeful that something works out , I can't go on Harming , its been 15 years, more than half my life .

Ugh I keep going on & depressing myself. :( I'm talking with a good friend on FB right now and she's trying to encourage me... but it's not really working. She's telling me that this is a fight worth fighting (ED) and I don't believe her... as much as I think it for other people, I am a hypocrite and don't believe it for myself. I just want to give up, curl up, cry, and slowly wither away. :( I don't know. Sorry for being so depressing. I'm just really struggling at the moment with my ED. I ate a XXkcal bit of food and it feels like a rock in my stomach... ugh. :(

I see my new nutritionist on Tuesday and as it gets closer, I get more scared. I don't really like her - or didn't in 2006 when I was admitted to their PHP there at the clinic. And my therapist said that she "can see why I think she [the nutritionist] is scary," and my NP said that "she [the nutritionist] doesn't sugarcoat ANYTHING and is not emotionally invested in her clients," which I think is a bad thing. The emotional investment bit, I mean. I might not need sugarcoating anymore. I don't know. I am just TERRIFIED. :'( I don't want to have to be admitted again either, especially with the chance of a job coming up... :(

Anyway. So that's how I'm doing. Kind of. I just am really low right now, and sore - my tummy and back both hurt - and exhausted too (but you already knew that, lol).

Sorry to ramble on so...

*cuddles Mark and Claire*

*cuddles everyone*

April, I'm really low today and very tired :S Well I know why I am, it's from not sleeping too well on Wednesday night. So I like went to sleep early last night, woke up properly whenever it was that Jade phoned me and fell back to sleep til about 10 minutes ago & it's nearly 3pm. I feel ashamed. I also feel poisoned but that's another matter in itself.

*Hugs April*

*Hugs Helen* Why do you feel poisened? You obviously needed the sleep , don't feel ashamed Helen .

*cuddles Mark & Hels*

I second Mark's question, Hels. Why do you feel poisoned?? If you don't want to say on here, then feel free to PM/message me if you want. :) Also, am sorry that you're exhausted (know the feeling!! lol), and feeling low and ashamed (also, why ashamed?). Wish I could make you feel better. Just know that we're here cheering you on... you are fighting whatever it is that is plaguing you very well!! *extra big hugs*

Hmm... I took a nap but I am already exhausted again. I really don't know what to do about that. I really ought to do the dishes. Really really ought to. I've been planning to for a bit but it just never happens. Ugh. :( I feel so damn lazy and stupid and all things bad.

I'm kind of upset at/with Jarrod... :(

*hides in the warren & cries yet more*

* hugs everyone *
Still feeling numb wanting to cut trying to keep busy

*huggles everyone*

Had a flashback nightmare, woke and thought I saw him [CSA perpetrator] standing in my room. Haven't been able to get back to sleep and now I'm in the living room and there's noises outside and it's freaking me out.

Sorry, so selfish. :-(
*grabs bear (my teddy-bear) and hides*

Reaper, glad you're trying to keep busy. Well done. I'm sorry that you want to cut though. :( *gentle hugs if okay*

Kahlia, sweetie, so sorry that you had that nightmare. :( I hate that type of thing... it really sucks. I hope that you can calm yourself down - maybe a cup of tea or milk or something would help? Warm drinks usually soothe me, I don't know why. As does talking with people so well done posting on here. :) *gentle cuddles* Things will be okay. You've just got to believe that. Sorry if what I say is dense, sometimes I just can't come up with the words...

Nightmares suck Kahlia *cuddles you tight* Try remember you're safe though.

*cuddles everyone else*

*Hugs Kahlia* Nightmares are horrible . Don't let the Noises outside get to you , They are made probabley by wind in plants and cats and cars going by.

*Hugs Reaper* I know how it is to feel numb. Try not to S.I. .

I am triggered too , Hmmm I was laying on my bed semi napping but before I "Slept" I was picking out places to harm on my arm . I'm going to try not to though , but ick it's hard .:(

*Cries!*

*hugs April* It's okay, it just really freaked me out. It happened at like 21:00 and I wrote that post at 02:14 when I'd managed to calm down. I wrote about it in my thread <link in my sig>. I'd had a cup of tea to calm down and tried to go back to sleep and got up to have a smoke and so forth .... I'm going to PM you if that's okay??

*huggles Hels* Yeah, I'm trying to remember that. Thank you.

*hugs Mark* The noises were people walking past downstairs - leaving the flat below us and walking past on the street. But they were really noisy as it was otherwise so quiet. I guess that was what freaked me out. Thanks.

*offers hugs to Alyssa or some tissues* I have to confess I love your name, and your nickname of "Lyssie" because Alyssa is the name of my youngest niece and I call her Lyssie. Sorry, side-tracked myself. Are you okay? Do you want to talk about anything?

*huggles Healther because she spies her*

*cuddles everyone who wants :)*
dinner out tonight :/ *sigh*

*offers kahlia safe hug and shares one of my 50 teddies :P*

What's wrong, Lyssie?

I need to be unwell so that someone can take care of me. I need the controlled illness that comes from overdosing. How did I survive before I knew the care and safety of hospital? Sometimes I wish I had never taken that first trip down to A&E, then i'd still be blissfully unaware that there are people out there who care. But actually, most of my trips to A&E have shown that some people don't seem to care and most of them don't understand me and my problems. I want to be close to death and be brought back to life, truly brought back to life, where I can feel the wonders of being alive like I used to. I did used to, right? I was happy as a child. I'm sure. Even though Mum was often drunk and her and Dad were arguing a lot.

Sometimes I want to be properly insane so that I don't care how I feel.

*Hugs Lyssie if okay*

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Lindsay* I'm sorry you are feel so low . Please try not to get close to death as you put it , something could go terribly wrong :( We all care about you here :)

*kicks self for missing JK, then hugs everyone else* how are you all today? im very tired, had a bit of a bad night last night, and now i REALLY wanna know whats going on next door.

*hugs Heather* - Thanks for the offer of a Teddie. I know how hard it can be to part with one. I had hundreds before I had a "cull" where they went to nieces, friends of family and so forth and now I only have a few stuffed animals with special memories like my Nessie (a Loch Ness Monster from my trip to Scotland) and so forth.

*hugs Lindsay* - Honey, I can understand the feeling of needing to be cared for but ODing isn't the way to go about it. Mark is right, something could go terribly wrong and we do all care about you here. From my experience A&E staff treat psych patients or recurring OD patients like total *****. I'm sorry that you are feeling so low but please try to keep yourself safe. Also, if this comes across as patronising or abusive or something I'm really sorry that's not what I'm intending to do, I'm just concerned about you.

*huggles Mark* - How are you doing hun?

Well it's about 04:30 in the morning and as you might have guessed I didn't manage to get back to sleep since the flashback nightmare last night. Oh well. I did manage to get another chapter read in my Management textbook and have had my Whose Line Is It Anyway? videos playing so it's been at least bareable but definitely not pleasant.

*sigh* So over it all.

*Hugs Nicole* Why ? do you think something interesting is happening next door? :)

*Hugs Kahlia* I'm really sorry that nightmare ruined your nights sleep , I too have had a "cull" of stuffed toys , at my flat I have Ratty(A rat) that I've had since as long as I can remember and an ape , all they rest are in my parents loft , but I just got my first neice this year so maybe she will get some.


I feel ..... no thats a lie I DON'T feel anything maybe a little sad *Wells up* Sheesh . I harmed , I am doing it daily and keeping a log for my nurse , I'm banking on finding an inpatient programme , I Can't take it much longer. Sorry. I'll be 30 in November , I CANNOT be a 30 year old cutter alongside all my other problems.

*hugs mark* well my neighbour is a drug addict and violent and slightly mental, and there has been a police man stood outside hers for about an hour now trying to get in :/

Ohh Nicole stay out of the way! , sorry I don't want that to sound patronising I just don't want any harm to you and it sounds like your neighbour is unpredictable.

i am staying out of the way, i just really wanna know whats happening lol, the police have dissapeard now, think theyve given up, shes probably dead.

*hugs Kahlia, Mark, and Nicole* Sorry, I have no words.

I've just been cutting. I can't stand much more of this. I NEED to at least overdose on something that I know is safe to make me feel 'out of it' for a while but I don't know if I physically can because I find it so difficult to swallow those meds.

*hugs lindsay* you dont NEED to overdose hun, although i understad that feeling? have you not got anyone IRL that you can talk to right now? please try and stay safe x

*Hugs Lindsay*Please be VERY VERY careful . Could you maybe make yourself a cup of tea , hot choc , anything like that , relaxing drinks , maybe have a bubbly bath and take yourself off to bed for an early night . Sleep might help you feel better tomorrow , I hope these are not crap suggestions

I should probably save the overdose for when I have a whole day to fully appreciate it. I'll try to stay distracted tonight and phone the crisis team if I can't.

Do phone them if you feel you have to. ODs are so, so dangerous *hugs*