*hugs Laurastar* how are things? nah i know what you mean - "make my brain stop racing around from one thing to the next and sometimes feel like its getting caught on repeat?" - exactly what you mean. sucks. *hugs*

*hugs a_m* (sorry, i forgot your name :/ my bad) how's things going?

i just saw C. well....i avoided actually looking at him which i think he mighta noticed....*shrugs* i can't deal with talking to him atm. my head is ****ed. alcohol time soon :D .... i am a bad person. :(

Can I die now? :(

*hugs Helen* what's up hun? I'm sure it will get better eventually. It has to. We just have to hold on for a bit. *cuddles*

*hugs everyone*

April - The big situation is that the hospital diagnosed me with BPD based on the one criteria that I was a cutter. At the time I was severely depressed and also had manic episodes, both of which they dismissed. They (the hospital and public health system) offered me treatment, which consistently failed due to the fact that I did not, and do not have BPD. In 2000 I began to hear voices and experience other hallucinations and these were dismissed by the hospital as "attention seeking" (and I'm quoting that from the official file). I was forced to seek help through the private system (which my parents funded) and was diagnosed after 2 years as having schizo-affective disorder (bipolar type). I saw that pdoc until he left town due to the medical indemnity issues. I then saw another private pdoc who was given no prior knowledge of my case and after 1 year he also diagnosed me as having schizo-affective disorder (bipolar type). After seeing him for another two years I was forced to find another pdoc as that pdoc was changing his type of practice to suit his area of interest. Then I saw yet another private pdoc. He agreed (after numerous sessions) with the previous two pdoc's diagnoses and at the end of my time with him had also added DID. The hospital has refused to change it's stance, regardless of the three independent professional opinions and basically refuses to treat me. They will put me on the ward if they can't avoid it but their policy is that I just don't want to get well, and if they do nothing, everything will just magically improve.

Sorry that's a long spiel so feel free to ignore it.

As for what is making my mood so low and bringing on the crying spells ... I just don't know. About 5 weeks ago my mood just dropped and it hasn't recovered. It could be that my lithium isn't working. It doesn't appear to be anything psychological. I just have no idea what's going on. I see my new pdoc next on 29th March. I guess I just have to hold on until then.

*cuddles everyone tightly*

laurastar~ yeah i think we were. i saw you at the bottom after i posted :) i'm glad i'm back around too... i kinda go stir crazy without this place these days. i agree with laurafriend... makes total sense, maybe it only makes sense to those of us who've been there but still...

laurafriend~ no big i forget peoples names too :) eventually i'll put it under my username... it's crimson.
this morning kinda sucked but i just came back to my office to find early valentines day stuff from my husband (flowers, a teddy bear and chocolates). made the day brighter. and even better if the day goes down hill again i have a plushie to cuddle with.
and i disagree with you saying you're a bad person. i think you're a great person who's having trouble right now. and i avoid looking at people to avoid talking to them too. every morning on the bus i put my headphones in (whether or not i turn on my ipod) and open a book... most people keep their distance and leave me alone, even the ones that know me.

*cuddles april, helen and kahlia*

Kahlia~ did the hospital give a reason for dismissing you after the private doctors' diagnosis was brought to their attention?

helen~what's up?

Laura, I hope you're right. I really need things to be better.

Oh Kahlia, I know most of your post was to April but I read it :( *cuddles tight*

Angel, things are so bad, can't even explain one situation fully, that's making me so sad. :'(

*hugs Helen* they will get better. we have to believe that or else we can't hold on. It always gets better, it sometimes just takes longer. *cuddles*

*hugs Crimson* sounds like you've had a good day so far :) yay! i am a rubbish person. well...i guess i'm not a rubbish person, i just do bad things. meh. it equates to the same thing.

*hugs Kahlia* that all sounds pretty rubbish tbh (sorry, i read the bit to April too!) doctors can be rubbish. *cuddles* look after yourself.

i ignored C. like, actually.... he may well have tried to talking to me but tbh, my head isn't in a place where i could talk to him without either going mental and hitting him or crying. neither of which would be great tbh especially cos he's stressed atm....FFS WHY DO I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE?! :( sometimes i just need to think about myself....last night, i needed help and i didn't get any because i didn't wanna bother/worry anyone. i can't and i won't stress people out. but it just makes me worse. i am officially crap.

I'm so scared.
:'(
*curls up and cries*

me too :( *cuddles Helen*

*cuddles Laura tight*

*cuddles everyone*

A_M: No, the hospital hasn't given a reason.
Helen && Laura(friend): It's okay, I posted it so anyone could see it.

Thanks for the support everyone. I just wish that I could feel better. I'm so sick of crying. :(

argh screw everthing, evrthing falling apart. i cut the **** out of my arm,i just want to die. **** it all.

Arrrgh *hits things*

*cuddles April* I just felt so gross sitting there in class. And even though I got a friend to read out my creative work I still had to spend a substantial amount of time with everyone looking at me. I know it sounds silly. I just don't want to be looked at. I read the hidden bit of your post. I don't know what to say so I'll just carry on hugging, just don't forget how far you've come.

Kahlia - I hope you don't mind but I read the stuff to April too. It sounds so frustrating, you poor thing. *cuddles*

*cuddles laurafriend* i know exactly what you mean about not getting help when you want/need it because you worry about other people, but if you have someone you can trust you SHOULD put yourself first like you said, you deserve help and support as much as anyone else.

*cuddles laurastar* sometimes i feel like my whole life is stuck on repeat, it's one of the most frustrating feelings in the world. I understand totally. Poor you.

MammaMia - Helen is it? I don't think we've actually spoken to each other yet unless I've missed it/forgotten it (i'm not with it at the moment), seems like you're having a bad evening. *cuddles* if you want them. I'm around if you need a chat.

And ShadowedSoul - Are you safe? Do you want to talk about it?


I wish I didn't have the flu right now, it makes it harder to distract myself. All I can do is lie here and think about how much I want to hurt myself. I threw a cup at the wall earlier, but I'm so weak with flu it just bounced. So pathetic.

thanks hun, names jill. im safe sort of at the mo,feel like doing something stuiped. had a **** day at work,screwed up again, getting another writen warning. they said after this one, i could loose my job, they were kind of nasty saying i should have achived more in my ten years in the job, feel useless. got stuiped thoughts running through my head that people would be better of without me, just feel like saying **** it all. =[

:D :D
Okay, need to calm down a little.
Aha.

*hides in a corner with my new plushie and cries*

why can't life just leave me alone?

~sorry for not replying to everyone... just feel like **** right now...~

Hi Jill, sounds like you really have had a hard day, I can understand why you're so upset/angry. But you're not useless - if you were useless they wouldn't have kept you for so long in the first place! Regardless, really out of order that they made bitchy comments like that though *hugs* What do you do? Are they aware that you have a SH problem? Don't give in though sweetie, just take it moment by moment. I understand wanting to give it all up, I really do - but we'll pull through. Just take it slow. I'm here if you need to chat, feel free to PM me if you like.

I feel like **** right now so sorry for no responses to posts... need to get something out & then maybe I'll be able to respond later. :(

We're running low on money. And I'm blaming it - validly or not - on my stupid spending habits. I'm bipolar, and lately I've been having these spending sprees up to $80. I know it doesn't sound like a lot but it really is, for us, especially since Jarrod hasn't been getting overtime lately.

So I feel really awful with the amount of money in our checking account right now... I know that God will provide & that we have a lot of money in savings, etc., but we wanted to save that to help pay off my college loans. GAHHH!!!! **** my life, why does all of this seem to come to a head at once?

*heads to the denial tent so she can cry*

thanks hun, yeah mabye but i feel like a muppet, once again i have given the ammo to get rid of me. i work in a shop iam a full time sales assistant. worked there for 10 years. no only one manger does, but i havnt cut in ages, untill today it normally happens when im angery at myself. feel the need to punish myself.