hey im a bit :sad:

one of my posts got closed
and errm...

im on a break from work til october because of mental health proplems and i cant get any money


And last week i got a letter from my doctor to say ive got to go for a cervical screening test so i go in on friday and make the appointment.
After i come back home im reading the leaftlet they gave me and it says

Quote:
if you have any unusual symptoms, such as bleeding after sex or between periods, you should see your doctor.

Well err yes that happens so i have to ring up and make another appointment tomorrow
thing is i dont want to
but mum and boyfriend are nagging me to
i just want to go for the test
it there is anything unusual it will be picked up on the cervical screening test

i dunno

please highlight if you really want to read this post


:Blush:

*Hugs to all who want them.*

April, you're not stupid to let that get to you. Talking about self harm can be so triggering and being around others who you view as so much more beautiful than you can too. I hope you don't cut again, but it's nothing to be ashamed of if you do. Everyone slips, no one's perfect.

Hey beautiful mistake. What's the matter? Anything you want to talk about?

Fathers' day hasn't been as bad as I thought. I had a fun day actually, basically acted like a five year old with my sister and two best friends. 'twas fun and a mahusive laugh.

xx

*spies oliver and glomps* :) how are you, love? & how's your girlfriend?

*hugs lia and b_m* thanks for the support. it means a lot, it really does. i haven't cut again yet and actually started filling out my app for mercy, i'm terribly scared though. :( i hate being this way. it really, really sucks. i just wish that i could be okay... for once... instead of being this way for 8+ years.

anyway.

b_m *hugs* i'm sorry to hear about the cervical test... hopefully it will reveal that everything is okay. i will be sending you good thoughts/praying for you (if you don't mind - some people do so PLEASE let me know if you do). i wish i could be of more use right now... but i feel fragile... crumbling... i don't know. sorry. :(

*hugs lia* glad your father's day wasn't that bad. i feel bad about something i said to my dad - it was a good thing and perhaps he wasn't entirely deserving of all that i said, but... i don't know. sorry for rambling on about me again. :( having fun days = mandatory for staying "sane" - lol. hopefully you get to have some more fun days in the days to come. :)

*cuddles everyone who wants cuddles*

*hugs Scarletdreamer back*

thank you april you are so sweet and no i do not mind at all xx
going to make the appointment tomorrow
also i wish we had buddy poke on here it would be rather cool and make everyone smile well i reckon it would


;-)

*glomps April back and hugs her lots* I'm sorry you got triggered and ended up cutting, your not a loser for getting triggered by a sermon, if they were talking about sh, then off cause it could be triggering, it certainly doesn't make you a loser. I'm glad you havn't cut since and hope the form filling out is going well, I know they can be a massive pain.

*hugs BM* Don't believe we've met, Hi I'm Oliver.
I hope the test goes ok and that it comes back all fine. (btw in future could you maybe put why you have hidden something, like say if it is womens stuff, cos I read it not knowing and that stuff it really stresses me out, sorry not having a go, just asking, thanks)

*hugs Justme* don't believe I've met you either, are you Lia? I'm Oliver. I'm glad your fathers day was ok.

*hugs Laura, Mark, Jk, Nicole, Heather, Jess, Hayley, Lindsey, Jill and anyone else, really sorry if I have*

My girlfriend is still in hospital, although she is loads better now and could have got out today, but they needed to do more blood tests just to check everything was back to normal so she will be out tomorrow.
I'm doing ok, except drinking off milk is really not good, feeling ill now.
have also done loads of washing and washing up tonight, starting to sort stuff out, have a house viewing tomorrow evening and I'm really hoping
we can get it sorted, if all 3 of us turn up!!
I'm still slogging along though, trying desperatly to not let my depression really hit me, I know it is there looming over me like a massive cloud, but I'm trying to keep it at bay, although mostly failing at the moment.
I have my psychiatrist appt on wednesday, I'm really nervous about it, its for my gender stuff, its going to be stressful.
thats enough rambling from me, sorry have talked too much.
*wonders off around the ward*

*hugs Oliver back*

hey there pleased to meet you and im sorry
i will put hidden because of ladies things in future
and hope wednesday goes ok

xx

well i feel like being a bit random
so im going off on a limb and going to say...

ladies things
and
naked penguins all round

thanks bm and I'm liking the naked penguins, it made me laugh :)

updated r/v btw... :-/

(link is in sig)

just want to curl up in a hole and cry, or cut, or both. :'(

*cuddles April lots* read your rv post, sorry your struggling at the moment, just try to remember your a great person who i love having around on the ward, please try to keep yourself safe and look after the wound.

*hugs everyone*

*big hugs* to all who are struggling and can accept hugs right now.
Sorry for my lack of individual replies. I have been reading and I am thinking of you all.

I finished stage 2 of my Diploma yesterday - signed and sealed. Just awaiting advice on what to do next. Really hoping it comes through shortly as I don't want to lose momentum.

Feeling ... blech. Very urgy in both SI and suicide. *sigh*
So.damn.over.it.all
Sorry.

*hugs all old/new members*

To everyone who's new and I've yet to meet, hi, I'm Taz, and I disappear off here quite frequently.

To everyone in here, I hope you've all been doing... hmm, okay I guess? For those of you struggling, my thoughts and hugs and cuddles and lots of TLC go out to you. To everyone who has something to celebrate or be happy about, I'm spraying you with confetti :)

Take care xx

*curls up and sighs*

Okay , so I have caught up at my computer in my flat :)
I got here this morning releived but dreading being alone:S
I read through.
My Mum has had her Op, she will be unable to weight bear on the leg for 6-8 weeks ! but hopefully back home on wednesday
I read your R/V Thread April *MEGA HUGS*
and *Hugs to everyone too*

Hmmm I'll try a naked penguin ..........thankyou.

Good luck on Wednesday Oliver , with your psychiatrist *Hugs*

I'm starting back on my teambuilding course today. I've missed the routine.

*hugs/waves at every ward member*

Taz: *big hugs* Hey hun, how are you doing?
Heather: Are you okay hun? Is there anything we can do to help? *offers cuddles*
Lindsay: I'm glad to hear you're starting back on the course. How are things going? *offers hugs* Are things starting to settle down?
Mark: Glad you got back home to your flat. Sorry though that you were dreading being alone. Was there any particular reason behind the feeling? Sounds like your mum got through the op okay, although I bet she'll be sick of not being able to weight bear on that leg by the end of the time period. Hope you are doing okay. *big hugs*

Still sitting on my laurels in terms of the diploma. Been advised to wait for "diploma dude" (Diploma Coordinator) before doing anything else. *sigh* I hate wasting time and I don't want to lose momentum. But, I also don't want to do subject I don't have to do. :-S

*leaves hugs and safe care packages on the table for all*

*peeks in and offers hugs to everyone*

i feel like crap. i'm alone at my internship place and i'm not sure what i'm supposed to be doing... my supervisor won't be in for a bit yet and i'm really frustrated by having to wait outside a locked door for a ****ing hour before someone came to let me in. :( i just want to go home... don't want to be here, don't want to take notes, don't want to be alone... damn it all!!!! :'(

plus i'm really really triggered because a friend of mine who has an eating disorder sent me weights on a text, telling me that if she got to XXlbs she would be hospitalized and she's currently not that far off... and it was just TRIGGERING, ****ing triggering, and i don't know what to do about it. i weigh soo much. :'( and i can't be arsed to exercise because... well, i'm so ****ing lazy!! :'(

anyway, sorry for the rant and lack of individual replies... :crying: i am just in a bad place right now...

updated r/v... it may be a little si triggery, i'm not sure... :'(

*hides in the warren where no one can find her* :crying:

I got back from my appoinment with my nurse to find my Dad waiting for me , I knew he was coming but would have got to my flat faster if I'd have known he was likley to be waiting. He asked what I'd be having for dinner like my parents do daily now , I said patsaor cereal ,more likly patsa . and he said I was lazy for eating ceral , 2nd member of my family to call me lazy in 2 days , it's hard to care to cook when you are low as you all know . anyway , cobbleled together a pasta sauce and it's cooking. I don't want to eat pasta , carbs!I need to lose weight .
Am I Lazy , just lazy not low? , who cares?

Lindsay, I hope you enjoy your teambuilding course.*Hugs*
*Hugs Kahlia*
*Scootles around the warren until he happens on April and *HUGS*

*sigh* i didn't get to go to the concert *pouts*
and spent yesterday cleaning up the living room and fixing one of the cages up so when the kits are old enough to be weaned thor has his own cage fixed and set up for him... cleared up enough to unclutter the mantle and to open the blinds and window. just for v to expand her stuff and take up more room and cover up the chairs with her crap. on top of that i slept worth a crap last night.

Sorry for no indiv. replies and for talking about myself so much... i just can't be arsed to reply to everyone... can't really focus atm tbh. but i did read everything even if it did take me ages... *feels selfish*
*huggles everyone*

*cuddles mark* i'm sorry that you're so low, but no, i don't think you're lazy at all. and i would be annoyed too if my parents kept interfering with my life, especially since you're independent now. *extra special encouraging hugs* i wish i could make things better for you, for all of you... :( but you are definitely not lazy!! <3

*cuddles crimson* aw, i'm sorry you didn't get to go see the concert. that sucks. and i'm also sorry that you didn't sleep well, and that v is being annoying/frustrating/stupid. :( it's okay that you didn't do individual replies, don't get upset with yourself (dunno if you are but sometimes if i'm not up to doing them i do get upset with myself). :)

i'm really tired. it's been a longish day even though i came home from work a little early... just because my supervisor was taking a half day and i didn't want to be the only one in the building - again - so yeah. :-X i had to take notes through a poverty workforce meeting, which was kind of interesting but kind of not. i don't know. definitely not as interesting as the underage drinking group. haha. i just find the psychology of underage drinking to be fascinating... if that makes any sense. :-/

i really really want to cut... and i saw the girl today, my friend, the one i mentioned someplace on here about texting about weight... and she is soo small, and i feel so ****ing huge next to her. :'( yuck. nasty weight, nasty body, nasty feelings in my head. :'(

*hides in a hole in the warren* :crying:

Thanks April :) ,
April , you are NOT huge by any stretch of the the imagiantion , please try not to cut I know it's hard , I'm battleing the urges myself , we can do this , we can !! :( *Hugs*

*hugs everyone and hides away*

*hugs/waves at everyone*

*big hugs and extra safe love and care packages to all who are struggling*
I wish I could do more to help. :-(

epic fail.
i cut.
:crying:

had been thinking about it all day. so drained.

sorry..................

updated r/v...

damnit, really want to cut again. :'( it's not supposed to be this way...

*cuddles april* not an epic fail... it was just a slip up.

*cuddles crimson* i've been cutting nearly every day for a few weeks now... that's not a slip up. :( i feel like i'm spiralling downward and what's worse is, i lied to my new therapist already. why can't things be easier?!?! :crying:

sorry...... :'(

*cuddles april* I'm reading your r/v and what you post in here hun. I wish i had something really useful to say. Can you maybe tell your therapist the truth about your cutting the next time you see them? Do you think that would help? Also, maybe you could ask them about extra support through texting or email or something? But as Crimson said, you are not an epic fail.

*hugs crimson* how r u doing? I'm sorry you didn't get to go to the concert.

*hugs mark*

*cuddles laura* thanks for the support, love. it means a lot - all of the support i've gotten from all of you. i'm sorry i don't express that more. it's more support than i get irl. so yeah. anyway... i need to be honest to my therapist, yeah, and tell her that i lied about the frequency of the cutting out of fear (or maybe just leave off the "out of fear" bit and just tell her that i cut more frequently than i had been, i don't know). i... feel so stupid. i just cut again, not badly. stupid stupid girl. :'( this is not how it's supposed to be... not not not.

jarrod is finally coming to terms with the fact that si is an addiction. that makes it easier on me, since he's not so upset whenever i do "slip up" or whatever you want to call this... :-S of course, it also lets me slip up/whatever more frequently since i'm not scared of his reactions anymore............. :'(

today's been a stereotypical monday... i'm drained. and i don't really wanna go home. tired of working on a room getting cleaned up all day to have it destroyed as soon as i leave the room. not that the work itself takes all day per room but it takes me all day to do all of it. i can't wait till the 3rd of july... mil is moving to house sit for 2 months and will hopefully take v with her. b texted last night to ask when j was coming to get her stuff (she left out the warning that if it wasn't gone in a week i was donating it to the women's shelter though)... i dunno if she got an answer.
*shrug*
on the other hand i'm kind of excited about the kits getting weaned in a couple more weeks. i love how thor's cage turned out. i had to repair some of the wiring and i put in a blanket on the bottom of the cage so his feet would be ok and not get caught in the wire, put in a litter box, attached a hay feeder, put in a food bowl and water bottle and added a little igloo for him to hide in when he's scared. i think he'll like it. it's also bigger than the cage he has now with his mum and sister. we'll see though
so to answer how i am... drained but excited but yet still grr argh ish. >.> if that makes sense.
how are you laura?

*cuddles april* i don't have any pearls of wisdom today. but i do believe even if it's every day that you cut it is a slip up since you are trying not to.

*offers more cuddles to april* Its no problem at all hun. I think you should try to tell your therapist about the cutting. Its good that jarrod is understanding that SI is an addiction, but well.. to be honest.. it probably still upsets him that you have to do it. Being tolerant of slip ups is very good though... and I think that you should think of this as a slip up because that means you can recover from it, which i know that you can. Just don't give up trying.

*hugs crimson* heh sounds like you've got a lot of emotions going on right now. I'm glad that things might settle down a little at home in july. Also, that cage sounds like it will be a good home for him lol, i like that you added an igloo.

I'm trying to be okay. Doing a lot of thinking and listening to music. Might try to write some out later... Ive been spending a lot of time alone though, which isn't horrible yet, but could turn out to be that way... we'll see i guess. I don't really feel like being around too many people, but I want to be social at the same time. heh im confusing.

i spy a laura!! *cuddles*

i feel really rubbish... tried to do a dungeon tonight with some friends on wow... was too anxious to do hardly anything even though i took my prn klonopin. damn it all... :( cutting down on the neurontin probably wasn't a wise idea, from 1200mg/day to 600mg/day in 3 days... yeah. i'm stupid. definitely. :-X

yeah, my si probably still upsets jarrod, but he doesn't show it as much anymore because he knows that it doesn't help me at all knowing he's upset. does that make sense? and i guess it's kind of a defense mechanism, my "pretending" that he's not upset anymore. :-/

i still feel like ****. my np told me to "go to the nearest hospital. NOW." to quote. and i said, "i can't. i will be fine." so yeah... am a little upset tonight... just a little. :-/

yeah a lot of emotions sums it up quite well :) after i got his home set up i wanted to put him in it early lol i think he'd be ok weaning him early too since he eats from his mums bowl but better safe than sorry has him still with his mum till july 1 minimum. and then to work on getting dagda and freya to be friends so they can be caged together when she's old enough*nods* july is going to be a good month if all goes well.

i totally understand the not wanting to be around people but wanting to be social thing too. only confusing to those who've never been there :)

*cuddles april* i'll catch up on your r/v thread when i'm not so ick... sorry.

sorry i'm being so self-absorbed tonight... :(

*hides in a hole in the warren*

feel guilty...

*hugs april* don't feel guilty. You deserve support as much as everyone else. Do you think you should tell someone about your cutting down on your meds? And yea that makes sense about jarrod. :-/
I wish I could offer more advice hun. I think that you should tell your therapist about things though... You still working on applying to res places?

*hugs crimson* Glad someone can understand what i was saying lol. The lots of emotions thing is hard sometimes, not always bad.. but hard.

*Hugs April* A blip is a blip even if it happens to be a prolonged blip , it happens to us all. It's good that Jarrod has realised/is realising S.I. is an addiction.

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Crimson*Am glad you will have less people to look after soon , and WHAT? are you going to do with all those Kits? . It sounds like a nice cage you made for the male? igloo and all.

*Hugs Kahlia*

wow it's been quiet here... usually there are a ton of posts overnight. :-/ hope everyone's okay...

laura *cuddles* i don't know if i should tell someone about my cutting down on my meds, just because as soon as they come in the mail i'll pop 'em back up to 1200mg/day. :-S but at the same time... well, i don't know. it's neurontin (gabapentin) which is used for nerve pain but in my case is used for anxiety... so i don't think it could be contributing to my feeling lower/cutting more. :-/ (i don't know if you had that in mind or not, it was just something that popped into my mind just now.) anyway... i don't know. i could "get in trouble" - i.e., make my np angry with me for not being more responsible about ordering meds on time. i'm always, always late with them and it's so frustrating to me especially!! :( anyway... yep, am still working on applying to res places. i've half the packet for mercy filled out, and then i need to start on the other two places. thing is, i need to sign release forms for the hospitals i went to, and that means having the time to go to them... so yeah. :-/ needless to say, no fun!!

oh, and i understand about the whole wanting-to-be-around-people / not-wanting-to-be-around-people thing... i have that same thing going on in my head most of the time. stupid social anxiety. :( *huggles*

*cuddles crimson* sorry i didn't reply to you much yesterday... hopefully people will move out of your house that "don't belong there" and you will have more peace & quiet... hehe. the cage you made for thor sounds awesome... :D i'm so glad that you (might have?) managed to get away from your head for a bit whilst working on making it a comfy home for him. :) that's so cool. i love doing stuff for/with my pets... as long as it's not 24/7 care like my parents' old dog needed. especially if it's positive things. :)

oh oh, and how long has it been since you've logged in to runetotem on wow? just wondering as i've left my pally there at level 22 but if you're on sometime and i am and my raf (refer-a-friend) priest is (jarrod would have to be willing to play on her), we could do something together, dunno what though. and how's leveling lurial going? how much time do you usually get to play? my mage on silvermoon (firesoul) is stuck at level 30 (haha) but my druid went up from level 36 to level 42 yesterday, thanks to jarrod powerleveling her and my raf priesty on that server. :D lol. so now i have a boomkin. :) anyway... sorry for the wow-talk... hope no non-wow-player minds...

*cuddles mark* how are you doing, love? managing okay alone at the flat? (don't mean to sound condescending, just a bit worried about you) thanks for the encouragement regarding my si, and crimson, you as well, i appreciate it a lot - i really do. :) i miss your emails... although i haven't yet checked this morning to see if you've emailed. i also miss chatting with you... *hugs*

i'm listening to "fragile" by delta goodrem - posted it a few pages back - good song. :) it really sums up how i feel right now... so thankful that i stumbled across it on youtube. i think i'mma have to order a delta goodrem cd sometime!!

slept okay last night although dreamt about wow. grrrr. hate it when i do that. have dreams, i mean. they always turn out badly in the end, and i hate that... thoughts of impending doom even seem to haunt me in my sleep. :( i hate that, hate it hate it hate it.

and i'm still triggered... but am kinda numb at the same time... ughhh... :crying:

*hides again*

April , I'm low , just low . Wanting to cut , needing to Oh and April my Hotmail is down for maintanence so if I don't reply to you it's not me not repleing , is your hotmail down too?

OH the posts come and my friend that I have been worriening about has written me back , he said he'll be in a local cafe on Saturday :) if I Want to meet up :)

awh mark... *cuddles gently* i'm sorry that you feel like you need to cut, but i understand, i do completely. :( and i wish i could make it stop, just make it stop for us & everyone here who struggles with the same. :( when i checked my hotmail earlier, it wasn't down for maintenance, but it might be now, i'm not sure. but that's okay, just reply when it comes back up. *more cuddles* are you gonna be okay today?? any plans to get you out of your flat?

am eating breakfast now although i really don't want to... :'( feel like such a huge fat cow... :'(

curls up in corner and hides away.

*waves* hey everyone, I've been feeling really low recently so I'm not very talkative. *hugs to peoples*

*Hugs Shadowed Soul*

*Hugs Jessica*

*Hugs April*

it was time consuming and kinda calming. if we get this house we're trying to get i'm gonna build them a wooden wall mounted cage :) well a few actually... can't have them all in one big cage without big fights so i'd need to make it one wall with 3 cages in it... (like the ones here but not with plexi-glass... http://octodondegus.weebly.com/ )
i last played on runetotem about 2 weeks ago. lurial is almost lvl 26 now but i haven't played her except for about an hour last week... might have to do that tonight. i can play anytime i'm not making dinner or cleaning up since it isn't the school year so no children needing to be taught but some days i just have no motivation to do anything. one of these days we'll have to be on wow at the same time... willing to run lurial through bfd sometime? and maybe d's toon if he's not busy in a raid on an alt? congrats on the lvling and getting ur boomkin. :)

yes thor is the male baby chinchilla. xochitl and sorley (the parents of thor and freya) will be in their cage together again, dagda has his cage, thor's i just fixed up (it fits on top of his parent's cage with extra room) and freya will either stay in the kit cage for a while or i'll fix up another of the cages (my mother in law's friend gave us 6 cages about a yr ago but they weren't in the best shape and had been used for unruly dogs... all of them needed fixed or dismantled and made into new cages. the kit cage and thors cage are the only ones i've fixed so far. the other cages don't even have a solid bottom under the wire to put the bedding in yet. but i plan to dismantle most of the ones left and make a new large cage out of the sides we have... eventually lol) i won't be putting freya into dagda's cage for a while yet. she isn't old enough for it. female chinchillas can get pregnant at 3 months old but their body is too small so they usually die if they do so she'll be her own cage buddy for at least another 5 months if not a yr. but i'm going to move her cage so she and dagda can see and smell one another but not reach each other so they can stop being aggressive to each other and get used to each other. once i have the rest of my living room back i'll have to take pictures to show everyone. :)

*huggles, cuddles and waves to everyone*

i spy an oliver!
how are you doing? is your gf home now?

*rocks*

*Hugs Nicole* Whats up ?