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not_so_insig 17-07-2019 09:43 PM

Dont know what to title
Some of you who are on Facebook already know this but on the 25th of June I had my cat put to sleep. She more than likely had a tumour and she wasn't good. I made the fateful decision in order to stop her going downhill any more. She was 18 and I had her 11 years (though I met her in 2006 because I used to be an volunteer for the cat charity she came from). She outlived 2 companions. I was devastated by her loss and nearly SIed. I took loads of diazepam (not an OD though but within prescribed limits) for several days and drank every day.

Today I picked up her ashes. As I have my other 2 cats ashes it was important to have her back. I cried all the way back from the vet and unwrapping her (they put her casket in a box).

I feel so lost without her. She used to be able to tell when the voices were bad by becoming clingy. When I was bed bound because of the voices she wouldn't leave my side. I feel like throwing away over 8 years of being SI free. Either that or harming myself.

If you're going to say that "it's just a cat" or other BS then dont reply. I dont know how I am going to stop myself from harming myself. I have taken diazepam but Idk if that's enough. My heart just aches.

MissGranger 17-07-2019 09:52 PM

Hi I just want you to know that you're not alone. I felt that way about my horse who I lost 6 years ago. She was everything to me and got me through so much and kept me alive basically. I also have lost a beloved cat and more recently a few weeks ago, my family dog who we've had since I was 13 (I'm now 25) so I grew up with her. I get very attached and I cry a lot just thinking about them even those I lost years ago which may sound silly to people but that's just how I am with animals. I just want to say I'm so so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to stay strong. Your cat would want you to, I'm sure. Sending you hugs and I'm sorry if this isn't very helpful I just wanted you to feel less alone at least x also there is a pet bereavement service through the Blue Cross you can ring everyday if you need to talk to someone about it x

not_so_insig 17-07-2019 10:17 PM

Thanks for your reply. My cpn came last week and I told her that I had been googling numbers of pet loss charities helpline numbers. I thought that I was doing ok until this afternoon. I have 2 other cats who are helping but they aren't providing any comfort. They are busy doing their own thing.

I guess that it's getting through tonight is the hardest thing.

MissGranger 17-07-2019 11:13 PM

No worries at all. I'd recommend the Blue Cross Pet Bereavement Support Line maybe you could try giving them a call tomorrow? It's good you've got other pets too but I know it doesn't necessarily make it any easier.

I completely understand the grief and heart wrenching pain it causes when we lose a precious animal.

As for keeping safe do you think you can distract yourself for tonight? x

not_so_insig 17-07-2019 11:59 PM

I am currently watching my favourite episode of Keeping Up Appearances. I am planning to go to bed soon though. I am trying to keep busy though.

Buttons. 18-07-2019 08:23 AM

Sounds like a good plan (watching Hyacinth I mean) I think you are coping incredibly well.

Stellata 18-07-2019 08:32 AM

I can totally empathise. I was devastated when I had to allow my cat to go. For her it was from severe Diabetes. She'd lived with it for many years, then it deteriorated.
The pet bereavement support service were very helpful for me.

Take good care of yourself, grief is tough.

not_so_insig 18-07-2019 10:44 AM

Thanks Buttons and Katie. I still haven't hurt myself but cried myself to sleep last night.

tamobhuuta 18-07-2019 10:51 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please stay safe.

not_so_insig 18-07-2019 11:20 AM

Thanks tamobhuuta.

one_step_closer 18-07-2019 04:16 PM

I'm so sorry you've lost such an important part of your life. I can understand how painful it must be and how hard it must be to avoid hurting yourself. Well done for managing not to hurt yourself, I really hope you can keep it up because you deserve to still have all those amazing achievements that you've worked so hard for. Take things one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. If there are people you can talk to then reach out to them if needed. *hugs*

not_so_insig 18-07-2019 07:47 PM

Thanks Lindsay. She was such an important part of my life and for so long that it's a big shock. Even though I know that I made the right decision for her. I mean I could have been selfish and let her suffer but I took her to the vet asap even though they couldn't save her.

Auror. 19-07-2019 01:08 AM

I just wanted to say that I can empathize. Pets are family members and losing one can be just as painful as losing a human family member. It sounds like you absolutely did the best thing you could for her well being. It is okay to feel things and it sounds like you are doing a great job to try to cope with those feelings as safely as you can. Thinking of you.

not_so_insig 19-07-2019 02:26 PM

Thanks Camden.

I didn't take any diazepam yesterday. I haven't taken any so far. But I know I can take it if needed.

one_step_closer 19-07-2019 02:32 PM

Do whatever safe things help, Dawn. You stopped her suffering so now please help yourself through your own suffering.

nonperson 20-07-2019 11:58 AM

I'm sorry I haven't posted a comment in here sooner. I hope you're doing okay and that things are easing just a little?

I do totally understand where you're coming from having lost lots of animals myself. What we have to remember is that whenever we have a pet it is inevitable that they will die but what they give us before that is so so so much more important than what happens at the end. I know it feels like a big gaping hole in your life at the moment but you will get through it and I'm assuming you have done before.

When I've lost family pets and was living at home what really helped was to talk about it, to talk about the memories and silly moments that the pet gave us all and, although we all ended up in tears, it somehow helped. And those are the things you need to remember - all the years of great memories and kindess and companionship, because they are what really matter and you'll have those memories forever.

You're doing so well in coping with this!

not_so_insig 21-07-2019 11:38 AM

Thanks Lindsay and nonperson. It's come to the stage where I can talk about my cat without bursting into tears. I have yet to harm myself though.

I have a psych appointment on Thursday but it's with a new psych so Idk whether to mention it or not. Even if I did Idk what they would say other than keep on taking the diazepam. I am sleeping ok (well other than the tears sometimes) so I don't need something like zopiclone.

nonperson 21-07-2019 12:03 PM

That's good you can talk about her now without crying. Do you think the urges to harm are lessening too? You've got through the worst part without doing it so I hope you can stay strong and carry on.

I think it's worth mentioning to your psych because it is obviously having a big effect on your mental health at the moment, even if they just say to carry on with the diazepam for a while.

one_step_closer 21-07-2019 12:56 PM

You are doing great, keep going. If you feel like you can mention it to the psych and it seems important for you to mention it then please do. I think they would want to know what significant things are going on for you right now.

not_so_insig 22-07-2019 11:33 AM

Thanks you two.

Nonperson I have less strong urges to harm myself. They're still there but I know that I wont act on them. The urge to get to ten years SI free is stronger than urge to cut myself atm.

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