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-   -   Suicide appears just reasonable (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=255548)

Juella 09-02-2019 09:37 AM

Suicide appears just reasonable
I am at the point in my life when I dealt with professionals enough to know the drill of suicide prevention and know how to keep myself safe. But at this point question isn't really "how". It's more like "why keep myself safe?". I don't really see a point.

I am absolutely exhausted, all the time. I got to the point in life when I get home from work and all I can do is drop on the sofa and sleep for up to 12 hours. At least I'm convinced I'm sleeping, my boyfriend told me I sometimes just lay there with my eyes open, staring at nothing, and sometimes even hum to myself (and that it's super creepy). I don't remember anything about it, to me it's no different from being asleep, and I don't know if that's a weird way of sleeping or some other weird thing. I also don't know if I'm this exhausted just because I'm really depressed, or because something is off on a physical level. I suffered brain damage after an overdose, and was warned that I can't afford to skip on sleep or further damage would be done, but proceeded to ignore the warning for 5 months because of my job. My doctor hasn't been super useful, they suggested changing my diet (which changed nothing) and excercise (that actually made things worse to the point where I fell asleep at work).

I can't do anything that requires even a smidge of creativity, my mind is just blank with some vague mental pain in the background, and it has been like this for a year and a half now. It makes me feel dead, because I had an overactive imagination for as long as I can remember myself, and when it just completely stopped working it felt like I lost my soul.
I have no genuine empathy or sympathy anymore. I feel like a monster saying this, but I completely stopped genuinely caring about other people. The only genuine response my brain gives when I think about other people is "I'm tired of everyone, can everyone please, please go away, can I please pretend you all don't exist", and it drowns out any of my conscious attempts at understanding and helping. Hope it's brain damage, not my real personality.

I don't believe in God. I don't believe in some higher purpose that human life has. I am deeply disappointed and highly sceptical about basic human values such as trust, love or hope.
I think I am a living breathing example of what a human would be like if they got their soul sucked out of them.

Why keep such a sad sack of uselessness that I became safe? What's the point if I'm just an empty shell?

Zurg 09-02-2019 09:58 PM

This kind of existence clearly pains you and upsets you so that to me doesn't sound like you are just an empty shell. Depression has many faces and feeling completely drained and exhausted and somewhat careless about others are just some of them. Sometimes the brain can become psychotic from depression too.

Can your doctor refer you to some help, mental health wise????? I think you could benefit from talking to someone who has some knowlegde and experience in these things and sadly, a lot of doctors, though very nice and capable of their jobs, do not have this experience. I think that would be a starting point.

Feeling void of emotions and like your soul is missing is not somehting you should just put up with. Nor do i think it can be managed by diet and excercise. While those things can be helpful to some, they are not a miracle cure to everyone.

I think something to keep in mind though is basic self care. What that looks like for you, only you really know. For me it can be proper food, enough sleep and a balance between company and silent or alone time. For you it may look different, but if you can remember what is good for your body then sometimes that is the spark you need to find the strength and courage to ask for help and fight the darkness.

And if you do decide to ask your doctor, be persistent. Even if everything inside you is screaming for peace and for everyone to go away, be persistent. It can be hard getting the help you are entitled to these days. But you have as much right as anyone. Keep talking here too if it helps. We're listening.

Juella 10-02-2019 11:49 AM

Thank you very much for you reply.

I'm working with a psychiatrist who even prescribed me antidepressants at one point, but I had terrible physical side effects, and he wasn't willing to prescribe me anything else after that episode, unless it's absolutely necessary. Although I have to admit I am not completely honest with my psychiatrist, because if I was I would be sectioned and I absolutely cannot afford that. I also used to be in therapy, but after my overdose my therapist labeled me us uncooperative and refused to continue seeing me. I was promised to eventually be referred to someone else, but it has yet to happen, I'm on a waiting list indefinetely.

I just see so many people really wanting to get better and trying so hard to be given resources to do so. And then there's me, a total waste of resources and effort. On the other hand I kind of understand it might be a vicious cycle - I might see the point of me getting help after I get it...

Zurg 10-02-2019 08:07 PM

What an odd thing for a therapist to do. Can you contact them and ask for a referral to someone else??? I know it isn't excatly a nice thing to have to do but jeez, these people can be really uncooperative. If they won't see you anymore they could at least let you get a chance with someone else. Things like that make me kind of angry.

Can you tell your psychiatrist that you are holding back out of fear of being sectioned??? Maybe they would be able to suggest something else than an admission but it can be hard if they don't have the full picture. I do understand your reluctance and please don't feel pressured by my words to do so if you don't feel like it.

Just because you feel unworthy of help doesn't mean you wouldn't benefit from it. Sometimes it's a struggle in itself to find the right kind of help, but boy does it make a difference when you do.
I hope you can hold on and give it a chance. Keep talking here too.

Juella 11-02-2019 05:02 PM

Thank you very much.

I think I could bug my old therapist for a referral, but I dread the though of having to talk to them again, because of their negative opinion of me. I thought about it several times, but I every time I would end up just staring at my phone, not finding the courage to call them.

I think it would be the right thing to tell my psychiatrist about my fears. Although I'm not sure if I will find the courage to do so.

I feel a little better already, just because I was able to be completely honest and another human being listened and didn't judge. Thank you very much, you're a kind soul.

Zurg 11-02-2019 08:38 PM

I don't know if it's a possibility but could someone else maybe call your old therapist on your behalf???? If it was someone you know and trust????

If you don't feel comfortable revealing your thoughts and feelings toyour psych just yet then you are not obliged to. Is there a way to adress it without coming clean???? Like hypothetically asking what would be normal procedure if someone felt like this and this??? I realise it might seem a bit risky and iwish there was a way to always be honest without fear of possible consequences. But the system isn't perfect.

Would there be anyone else you could chat to about these thoughts and feelings??? Sometimes it can be a relief to just share the thoughts with someone sitting next to you. I just know from myself that the more you hold back with sharing these things, the greater a hold they'll have over you.

Darkwings44 14-02-2019 03:13 PM

I feel the same way about myself.. .. *gives you a hug*

Juella 17-02-2019 05:04 AM

I'm sorry to post here again, but things took a considerable nosedive.

I managed to email my old therapist and got a reply, even though I haven't really hoped for one. I've been emailed a pdf booklet on CBT with a comment that states that I have been already taught basic CBT skills, they can't provide me with further support due to "their limitations" (not sure what that means but I suppose that's an "I'm not paid enough to go beyond reciting contents of the CBT booklet"), and they "don't think further outpatient treatment can be benefitial due to complexity and severity of the case" (not sure what this means either, but I suppose they told me I'm a lost cause). They also mentioned how my job is "extremely detrimental" to everything and I don't want to quit it. TLDR: I've been denied any therapy from this therapist, or any other, no suggestions on what to do next were given.

I also tried asking my psychiatrist in a theoretical way on what is going to happen if things go as bad as they actually are. I am going to be sectioned for an indefinite period of time, until I improve, that's the protocol, because no one wants to be responsible for my death.

But the cherry on cake is my job. I've basically been told that unless I can do something to quickly improve my condition and reduce my issues, they aren't interested in keeping me, due to seriously increasing pressure from the higher ups regarding our working standards. Yesterday I found out I was secretly filmed at work on a personal request of someone really high up and been put for evaluation by a team of 5 or 6 people including the CEO himself. Haven't ever been in anything remotely close to crap this deep. I have absolutely no clue what options I have other than suicide if I lose my job. I have a very specific set of skills that can't be applied much outside of this specific job, and I really don't think I would be able to look for a new job due to how severely unwell I am. I live in a rented apartment, the only person I could turn to for help told me "no" yesterday. I have no savings, no one to turn to and no place to go if I lose this apartment. I spent all night staring at the ceiling, trying to think what I can do, and nothing other than suicide comes to my mind. I don't even have anyone to ask for advice.

I'm so exhausted by it all.

Zurg 17-02-2019 09:05 PM

I am just thinking, and it may well sound silly and impossible, but if you end up losing your job..... would you consider being admitted then???? I can tell you don't have free health care but i am wondering if there is some way around that, to help you if you become unemployed. I don't know your location and even if i did i'd probably be a bit limited to what practical advice i could give you but is there a place nearby where one might enquire about such things and could get a valid response and some good advice????

I know it's easy for me to say, but please don't kill yourself. I have seen people come and go over the years and getting into all sorts of trouble but for almost everyone, things could be resolved. Again, easy for me to say because i am not the one who might lose my apartment and my job but i just want to say that there are places where help can be found. And people who are willing to help with no charge at all. It will seem dark and impossible right now but i really, really think it's worth holding on a bit longer to search for options for help. And there is help. It might not be perfect and all inclusive but it's there.

What i am really trying to say is that there is hope. I know it's hard to see right now but it's there.

Hold on for a while and explore your options and try to be honest about what kind of help you need and what the future currently looks like. Maybe your psychiatrist has some suggestions where to start????

Keep talking here. Keep reaching out for help.

Straight 3 17-02-2019 09:35 PM

I'm sorry for not being very helpful with this.

I read everything and my heart goes out to you and I care. You are trying hard to not get hospitalized I can see. I can understand "first hand" as I also fight it because of trust issues between hospital staff and patient. I've been hospitalized countless times (for various lengths) and nothing bad happened and I'm still here and live to talk about it. Mostly I'm ignored by staff because they don't know what to do with me because I'm a rather a-typical TBI (traumatic brain injury). I don't think you should fear going inpatient if you need it though.

I completely understand and relate to seeing suicide as the only option, but in reality, its not. Its final and you can't take it back.. or worse, there have been cases of people botching the job and having to endure even worse that our current living hell we already have to deal with.

I think you should be completely honest with your psychiatrist with how bad you need therapy and try your best to force his/her hand to make this happen with the best of their power because just sending you inpatient with no followup with a therapist once you get out seems fruitless and a setup for failure. You doctor needs to understand this if they haven't considered that outcome.

Again, I don't have the answers and admittedly sometimes we only see that 1 (final and unfair) option that we don't deserve.

It appears like you have a uphill fight on your hands. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and I want you to prevail.

We deserve every chance as much as anybody rich or poor. The system isn't fair by any means, I'll admit that.

**sending you positive vibes**

Juella 18-02-2019 01:04 PM

Thank you for your reply, it really does mean a lot to me. I understand that no one has answers for me, but I really appreciate all the support anyway.

If I lose my job, then I wouldn't have much more to lose by admitting myself, plus I will probably be eligible for free healthcare if I'm unemployed. So I can try that before I do anything final. It's just that as Straight 3 so smartly said, it is probably going to be fruitless and a setup for failure because there would be no followup after I am considered no longer in an immediate danger and discharged. Last time I was in the hospital, it was exactly that - staff didn't really know what to do with me, I just spent most of the time in bed, sedated, with confused-looking people watching over me, and then was sent back home with some pills, when I was no longer so deep in a crisis. I guess if everything goes down I can try that too, though. But if I want to keep this job, going inpatient just isn't an option.

I'll try talking to my psychiatrist about everything next time I see him. I feel bad about it though, he is just a doctor, he isn't there to hear out my whole life story and give me advice, he is just there to assess my condition and give me appropriate meds, and refer me to other specialists if necessary.

one_step_closer 20-02-2019 06:12 PM

If you feel like you are able to talk to your psychiatrist then please do, don't worry about what you think he is there to do for you and what he isn't there for. We all need a person we can trust to confide in and offload and get suggestions. I think he would like to know about what is going on for you anyway so he can see the bigger picture.

Juella 26-02-2019 06:06 AM

So, my psychiatrist arranged for me to see a therapist. I agreed. Never made it there, though.

I was supposed to get there yesterday. Called in sick to work but couldn't reach my manager. Called my friend at work and asked him to pass on the message that I'm unwell and wouldn't be coming in today. Long story short, but because everyone was busy and no one was properly listening to anyone, message failed to get passed. As I was sitting in a waiting room, I got an angry call from my manager who said he doesn't know I wasn't coming to work, it wasn't okay not to come to work anyway, and he just kept yelling at me until I said I'm coming. Made a run for it, had to escape through the fire exit, went to work instead.

Then I somehow dragged through my lessons without breaking down, and then left and went straight to the nearest bridge. Got forcefully pulled off. Sat there on the bridge completely at a loss for I don't know how long, before I realized, after a passerby pointed it out, that I wasn't wearing my coat and was sitting in a knee-deep snow in a T-shirt. Sat there some more, staring into space, not knowing what to do, until a nice lady from the reception at work found me, gave me my coat, and got me inside. I kept crying and saying I want to go home, but couldn't remember my address so they could call me a cab. Finally, a coworker got me home. No one called an ambulance, or suggested getting me to a hospital. I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know how I feel at all. I am currently just dumbstruck, and I feel incredibly tired, like I ran a marathon yesterday. I want everything to just stop. Please, just stop.

I'm sorry for ranting. I am just so lost as to what to do now.

Straight 3 27-02-2019 02:24 AM

I'm sorry Juella for everything you're going through. I'm sorry I don't know what to say.

For what its worth.. I fully understand that feeling of being up against a system that fights you at every turn.

You're not alone, trust me.

Straight 3 27-02-2019 06:05 AM

I hope you will be able to reschedule with the therapist. Hopefully they will understand those unforeseen set of circumstances. Your well-being is important to get through this.

I know it must not seem like it after all that, but from what I read, you jumped through some major hoops to get through that situation and still manage to get to work, which is more than I can say for myself these days.

That demonstrated some serious determination.

Juella 27-02-2019 07:48 AM

Thank you for your reply.

Unfortunately, the therapist was pretty upset about what happened and refuses to work with me until I sort my work situation out. And it will never get sorted out.

I am indeed pretty determined when it comes to my job. I feel responsible for it, and when I feel responsible for something I am very determined. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing at this point.

one_step_closer 27-02-2019 03:23 PM

Things sound quite hectic and like you're really having to fight for the things that are important to you. Is there anyone in your life who knows how you're doing and who you trust to offer you some guidance about what might be a good path to take from here? You need to be getting support and taking care of yourself as well as battling to work, or you will become too unwell for that battle. I hope you can find a way through this.

Juella 27-02-2019 05:15 PM

Thank you for taking your time to reply.
I have one good friend who was always helpful when I don't have my rational mind on, and helped me a lot in the past. But his advice lately largely comes down to "you need to learn to stop giving a damn". I'm not sure that would be the right thing to do. To me it seems like I care too little about everything already. Maybe I'm wrong?

one_step_closer 05-03-2019 06:23 PM

You will have a different view of what giving a damn/caring too little means compared to your friend, simply because you are different people, I think. How have things been for you recently?

Juella 06-03-2019 10:11 AM

Thanks for getting in touch.

Things haven't been great, but what I did realize is that aparently when I say I don't care about anything or anyone, I'm not completely honest. I am really tired of struggling and I kind of...wish I didn't care?
That is confirmed by a fact that I am very actively freaking out right now, which is very uncharacteristical for someone who doesn't care about anything.

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