Back again *may contain triggers*
 

I stopped cutting for over a month and then last week i went back to drinking heavily and when i do that. I cut. Except for the last 3 days i didn’t get the chance to drink and it’s been like hell. I feel disconnected and anxious all the time. I can’t stand staying home nor going to school. I can’t talk to anyone about it because, well, no one knows and most people i know are pretty judgemental or will ask me what’s been bothering me latelywhich is a question i don’t have the answer to because i really don’t know. I really don’t know what to do.

Sorry to hear that you're back in a bad place. What helped you to stop cutting the last time?

Even if you feel like you don't know what's been bothering you it could still be worth trying to to talk with someone who you feel wouldn't be judgemental. You could say that you're struggling to put everything into words but that you feel anxious and disconnected and could do with some support.

Did anything in particular happen that led to you drinking heavily again?

Nothing major, but sometimes there are moods where i just want to isolate from everybody. When every small little thing irritates me in everyday life. Dealing with incomprehension. Towards feelings. Towards differences. But last year was a rough year. I had an episode. And i thought after all this time i could be fine again. And I did. For a little while. And then all hell broke loose.

That sounds really difficult. Do you have any professional help with your mental health difficulties?

Yes I've seen like 2 psychiatrists, and i'm seeing a 3rd one next week.

How did it go with the 3rd psychiatrist? Have any of them offered anything helpful?

The first two didn't work for me, the first one didn't understand so he kept giving this medication which i didn't tolerate, the second one saw me twice and said i was bipolar... but this one seems okay so i'm seeing how it'll go.

Glad to hear that the current one seems OK, I hope that they will be helpful.

How are you getting on?

Well, the disconnection is always there. But for now they gave me a technique for handling my anger attacks which cause me to drift off and eventually drink and cut. Although the last 2 days were so violent i couldn't fight it.

Sorry you couldn't fight it; do you need to get checked out for your injuries?

How are you feeling now?

They’re fine. They always end up healing. I mean i hope so, otherwise i wouldn’t know what to do about it.
I guess i’m feeling a little lost.

Lost in what way?

Lost as in thinking not going to the therapist anymore, because i don’t have anything to say. Lost as in i know i’m getting worse and more isolated everyday and more more intolerant to everyone around me and idk why thus not knowing what to do.

It sounds like you're feeling very low at the moment. Could you tell your therapist this?

I told them that, they said we should work on controlling my anger attacks first so we can dig deeper in the why part later.

I'm glad they know.
Living with anger and low mood all together is very tough, I know from my own experience.

Yes it can.
Anyways, thank you for letting me share. It helped.

I'm glad that sharing helped you.