hmm wish I could say how I'm feeling, but I can't even explain it to myself ugh

Hmm that felt better, happy mask back on now, I'm okay now have written that.

*comes in and blinks in confusion*
I'm glad you're feeling better but now that you've written what?

Hmm just wrote how I trully feel then edited it out can't say how I'm feeling not really to scared I guess. Sorry for the confusion.

Lia: about bipolar - I am diagnosed as either bipolar II or bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified)... not sure which as I've not asked my NP in awhile what my exact dx is. Anyway, someone who is bipolar can have moodswings that are not manic... I mean, it would still be called being either manic or hypomanic (hypo = "below" which I am sure you know) which means that the highs & lows aren't so huge. Only a professional can manage diagnosing which one it is... but to me it sounds like you're going through a mixed episode. That means that you're feeling both "manic" (or "agitated") and low/depressed... I'm currently in a "dysphoric state" - which means that I'm in an agitated hypomanic state. Guhhhh. Am I making any sense here? I'm sorry if I've missed much, do you have any questions that I can answer?? *hugs*

Sorry for the lack of other individual replies - but good to see you, JK. *cuddles*

I saw my NP and we're switching me off Abilify... guhhh... onto Tegretol and Invega (sp??). Am scared. And am suicidal, and really want to cut. And purge. And basically self destruct.

:crying:

Jill, I saw what you wrote before you edited it and I think you need to go talk with someone IRL if you can... *hugs tight* We don't want to lose you... please try & stay safe.

Oh and Lia, an "r/v" is a ranting/venting thread. Found in the ranting/venting forums - the link is in my sig ("//My Venting Spot\\").

*cuddles everyone*

**** sorry April,shouldn't have wrote that. Needed to get out howi felt when no one was around. I'm sorry hun. I can't tell anyone in reall life, I know that sound pathetic and stuiped.

blaaah. *glares at father*

he was too tired to drive me to group tonight... and he asked me in the car after he picked me up from walking as my ankle was dyinggg if it was a COE group... uhhh no its ed in general... and he said he was talking to my cousin bout me (:/) and she said that [she had coe] what helped was going to overeaters anonymous... but i dont overeat... only when been not eating all day and then not really overeating :/ and i cant believe he was talking to my cousin about me :s and i hate that just becuz im fat he thinks i should go to overeaters anonymous... and isnt gonna be as helpful cuz i dont eat that much and never for the 'typical' reasons so..

[sorry for the repeat laura ><]

i just... cant stand this.

heather ur not fat hunny *offers hugs* ur beautiful

hah i am but thanks <3

how're youuu

mwhahaha u agreed with me that ur beautiful yay

*scowl* :P
*lets you win cuz i tired*

*waves*
Hi everyone. Hope you are all doing okay. Sorry I haven't been very talkative. Been feeling really low recently. I even had to force myself to play WoW a couple of days ago. :(
I'm so behind on schoolwork again too. I have heaps of chem work due in a weeks time and I can't concentrate on it at all. I was also supposed to have a bio project finished a week and a half ago. I'm still trying to work up the bawls to go see the doctor too. I've got no idea what to say to them. I'm not gonna pass this year if things don't improve though. Ugh.
Sorry for ranting guys. I've got heaps on my mind right now. *huggles to peoples*

*hugs/waves at all*

April: - Invega - is that paliperadone (sp?) ? If so watch out for the same type of "food" effects that you would get from Risperidone and Haliperidol. The drugs are extremely chemically similar. Risperdal for me chemically switched off my ability to feel full and chemically increased my appetite. - Not saying it will happen, just warning you to keep an eye out. But as with all new drugs keep a journal or something for the first little while to see how you go. All the atypical antipyschotics react differently with you as you'd know already. Sorry, not meaning to pry or be a doomsayer - just wanting to make sure you keep track of anything "unusual".

Sorry to everyone else for the lack of individual replies. I didn't feel able to say anything helpful to anyone, but wanted to say that to April. *feels bad*

I made it to my psychiatrist. As I said in my last post - some 2.5 pages ago. I got up at 3 am this morning because I was freaking out about it. I had 4 mg of xanax before I left the unit to get on the bus. I made it through the appointment and the doc put me on a beta-blocker with a regime to increase it from one to three tablets over the next six days and to contact him in a week (by email). Then he'll decide the next step, contact in another week, again he'll decide and I see him the week after.

The good news is that at this stage he doesn't think that it is related to either mood or psychosis. But he does think that the DID alters might get a chance to come through if we don't get it under control. So we're really fighting a battle against time.

I had to stop by a chemist before I could come home so had another 2 mg of xanax as I had to go to a big shopping centre and it's school holidays. I came home afterwards, had a smoke and crashed out for like four hours. Heh. My housemate told me I had to try and stay awake until I got off the bus (I rang him from the shops). Thankfully I did.

Meh.

bloody hell it was busy after I was payin attention in here yesterday! I had to give up with computer time as reggie was causing absolute havoc. He is currently in his hutch and I am set up in my bedroom, cos if he can see me then he chews at the bars to come out and I feel VERY guilty!!

I'll try and read through whats gone on a bit later, my head feels a little clearer today, but rather than spend my day on here, which is tempting, whilst Reggie is chilling out in his hutch I think I'd better do some housework as my flat is starting to fester...eww... then a bit more quality time with Reggie and hopefully then I can spend some time online guilt free.

Huggles and snuggles and waves and hi fives!! Take your pick which ones you'd like!!

Urgh I already want to curl up and hide and it's only the start of the day. Wearing this happy mask is so triering.meh.

Oh Hey *HUGGLES JK* I haven't seen you in too long ! Sorry.I'm struggling tbh :( Grrr . How are you doing?

*Group hugs*

boo! I spy a mark! *huggles*

Well my kitchen is now sparkling clean and I've put laundry on. My back is now killing me however, so I've taken extra pain meds and I'm going to have a lie down before I attempy anything else...even playing with Reggie...luckily he's sleeping at the moment so I don't feel too bad. Gosh, I struggle to cope with a bunny rabbit, this just proves that I'm so not capable of having children. To those of you who have kids, my hat goes off top you and I think you should all get a medal!!

rest time then....*goes and lays down on special matress for her back in a corner out of the way*

Good morning everyone... *huggles to all*

Sorry for the lack of epic responses... but I did want to say to Kahlia that yes, it is paliperidone. Thanks for the reminder - I was on risperdal a looong time ago, but I didn't remember that about it. I'm worried about Tegretol though, since doesn't it have weight gain side effects?? I haven't looked up side effects yet... :-S I'm scared to. Of course, Abilify has side effects like that and I haven't noticed any weight gain... guuhhh... sorry if that was triggering to any of you, didn't intend it. :-/ Am already fat anyway. :(

Today's gonna be a finish-up-my-internship-report, go-to-therapy, and clean-up-the-apartment day. Ughhh. Busy. Really need to get that internship report done though... only have one thing left to say in it and that shouldn't take too long... whew.

Anyway.

Gonna go have breakfast I guess... really am not hungry. :'(

April: carbamazapine (tegretol) can have that affect in some people and sometimes . Sorry just hid that so you didn't have to see if didn't want to. A lot of the atypicals state "weight gain" as well as extrapyramidal and so forth - but I feel if you go into it prepared you are always better off.

*offers everyone hugs*

Thanks for the info, Kahlia. >_< Hopefully that doesn't happen to me. Guhhh... I HATE STARTING NEW MEDS. Something bad always seems to happen with them. Especially 2 at once - not wise IMHO but oh well. :(

I feel like **** right now. So anxious, so worried, so scared. Gonna go update my r/v I think...

*hides in a hole*

Urgh!!!! can't be assed with today, feel very tierd really want to curl up and sleep. bloody customers bloody kid, I really hate school hoildays.

April , you are NOT fat !! I've seen pictures!!
*Hugs* I read your R/V thread * Extra Hug*

Sorry for being so whiney today. I just can't handle this today smiling but I feel really low and the littlest thing is setting me off. Just want to curl up and hide. Sorry

Jill don't apologise for having a whine, that's what's so great about this place, you can be yourself and let it all out and we all understand. Wish I could help more when you and others are struggling so much *huggles*

hmm, I've not achieved as much as I'd hoped for so far today, though I've fitted in two unplanned naps!...over an hour and half each!! Whoops, still feel like I could sleep more, and I've had 3 coffees 2diet colas and 3pro plus throughout today so far. Though the extra pain meds earlier would have made me a little dopey. I think some more caffiene is needed to takle the cleaning of my bathroom next! Poor Reggie's only had 3hours out of his hutch so far today, I'll make it up to him later....if I can stay awake!

*leaves appropriate tlc for all*
*toddles off to clean the bathroom via a visit to the smoking shelter*

Hello - well bathroom is cleaned and I think I've caught up on most of what I didn't manage to read earlier. Please forgive me for lack of individual replies but my brain isn't up to that still. Although saying that, one thing did stick in my mind, which I'm sure you can understand why, so I wanted to say...

Crimson - your poor brother-in-law! That is a mammoth tour of duty, I shall never complain again about Eoghan only having a few months between his Iraq and Afghanistan tours or the fact that he's away for 6and a half months (though remind me I said that in a few!!) That's an awful strain for him and all of your family. Please tell me that he at least gets some RnR in that time?!! It makes me think of extending my prayers, I sometimes forget about the other countries troops fighting alongside the british when saying my prayers at night, bad bad hayley-rose! PM me if you ever need to, not just on army afghan stuff, as I know you've so much else going on too at the mo.

That goes for anyone, PM me, I may not always be able to help, but I like to think that I am a good listenener (or reader as the case may be, lol)

ho-hum, time to let the adorable nightmare out! Check back in a bit later. TTFN!

We're not sure. When I was military they couldn't keep you deployed to a place for over a year without a week stateside but he won't be in one place over a year he'll be moved from one to the other and home a yr after he goes to the second place so we don't know if they have to let him come home between or after a year or if him going to 2 separate places means they don't have to let him. I hope that makes sense I'm still really tired (have been since I got up). These days it seems like no matter how much sleep I get it isn't enough.
Being tired should make it interesting when I try to get the local businesses to help with my paper balloon campaign... (trying to fund raise for the leukemia lymphoma society in advance of the light the night walk...)
*grumbles about her boss being a f'ing moron and wanders off.*

Argh!!!!! Why just why. ****sake I really give up. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! =[

Jill Need a hug? * Offers *

Thanks mark, nods head. =[

*Hugs Jill TONS*

Whats wrong?

I'm having some very real , very scary thoughts/fantasies about cutting myself :(
Also I think I saw fish in my floor like it was water a bit ago , that was weird, has that happened to you guys before?

These fantasies are no fun , NO Mustn't do them already cut today grrr

*cuddles mark*
I haven't had that happen before for the fish thing... do you mean like you saw water with fish where your floor is or like you literally saw fish swimming in your flooring like water? I have had the cutting ones though. Where I actually see an injury I haven't made when my urges get on the worse side...

i'm sorry for the lack of individual replies/support right now, especially as i know that so many of us need it, but... i'm going absolutely ****ing crazy. i'm at my parents' - still - 4th day in a row, and i just want some privacy where i can cut. i hate myself so ****ing much for eating so much ("so much") and i just want to have some time to myself. i don't know. and then there's stuff going on with jarrod that is worrying me... he's trying to get out of his current job (well, he's on furlough now but he's supposed to go back to his job on the 26th) because it's a "toxic environment" for him... he's considering the air force... or some sort of military, and that terrifies the snot out of me. i don't know what to do about it either, as God isn't giving us - well, me, anyway - guidance on where to go with this. i don't want him to be deployed, because i would be a wreck without him, and i don't want to have to live without him for a long period of time. we don't have kids and no possibility of having them after his operation - for the best - but still, nothing to live for with him gone. i don't know. am i making any sense at all? :-S

i just want to give up. please???

*Hugs Jill* What's wrong sweet? I also hate school holiday. I am soo grateful for work experiacne at the mo because I have to spend too much time with my family and I just...urgh.

*Hugs April*- Hope you're Ok. At least you've almost finished the internship, that'll be a weight off your shoulders.
*Joins April in hole and offers tea* tea always helps. What's up?

Mark- I'm sorry you cut today. Try to hold on this time, you have proved before you can resist the urges and I know you can do it again *encouraging hugs*

*Hugs and tea to anyone else who need them.

Little happiness for you- I'm bang-tidy. And I mean it right now. I met someone named Jack this evening. We got on really well and my friends were teasing me for ages. They reckon we were both flirting. I like him, but I don't know if I do in that way...I'm adding him on fb though, only maybe not tonight, I don't want to look too keen...:)

Oh and April, you're not allowed to give up I'm afraid. I only read that after I posted mine.
xx

Oh Luke-What's up? Well done on deciding to give up, I hope it continues to go well for you. DO something that uses your hands so you can't pull your hair out. Write or make paper areoplanes.
xxx

Thanks mark and lia,Can't really answer that right now, I have not much energy right now sorry.just didn't want to you to think I was ingnouring the both of you. If that even make sence, idk. Huggles both lia and mark. Sorryi thought I had a couple of times wasn't sure tho.

Luke sometimes it isn't about looks but necessity. If you need to shave it to keep from pulling it I'd say go for it.If it looks bad to you you can always wear bandannas and hats.

Elizabeth? You are welcome to sit as long as you like in here... why is Kat feeling ashamed of herself?

Luke - I'm so sorry about your girlfriend (or boyfriend). Perhaps things will be Ok, 'need time to think' is better than 'you're dumped'. It might be OK. I'm glad you had a good night with you mates.

You could try shaving your head, if it looks bad just wear a bandana like a pirate and go around with a sword 'arrrr!' ing at people. Oh that reminds me of anther crappy joke.

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrr!

It's Ok Jill, whenever you feel ready. If that's never then that's OK too,we will just be here to support you :)
*hugs*

My name's spelt Lia btw, but don't worry about it :) Speaking of which, does anyone know if Lea Michelle's name is pronounced Le-ah, or Lee? Not that it really matters, just something that's bugging me.

xx

i don't want jarrod to be in the military... i'm so scared... :'(

i don't want to be at my parents' anymore. just want to give up. quit. and i cut earlier with a not-completely-sanitary tool and i'm scared now. :-S

feel so ****ing stupid. hate the options for the future, just want to give up... why can't i??? :crying:

edit - sorry once again for the lack of individual replies. feel pretty **** about not replying to you guys but... i will try to later.

*cuddles April* sorry i don't think i have anything constructive to say that would help but don't give up hun.
luke- it's crimson. if it makes you feel better i didn't substitute anything for it when i sheared my hair for that reason.
*cuddles kat/elizabeth* sorry i'm fairly useless right now

I wouldn't call you useless crimson, you're talking to me which is very helpful. I just need to find someone who can help us control thomas better, before he hurts the littles again.

(hah, you wouldn't believe it but i've just been scared witless by the rabbit! lol.)

updated my r/v just so y'all know... :( will probably update it again shortly, but i'm not certain.

still am not up to individual replies, so sorry. :'( feel so damn useless.

*hugs/waves at all wardies*

Sorry, am not up to individual replies right now, but I have been reading.

Still anxious as heck. Just want all this to go away. Oh, and have a massive xanax hangover, but that's to be expected.

Sorry everyone is struggling. :-(