*squesses Alex*

You are NOT worthy of being stabbed or whatever, seriously Alex you mean the world to me and so many other people.

I know I've scared you a lot in the past few days, but I swear to god, it's made me NEVER want to OD again :]

I feel sooooooo ill, but I'm somehow strong and still here in college yay, might be at Alton Towers tomorrow, so if I don't post that's why, but Alex you know u can text me if u want or even call. xxxx

Thanks Helen *hugs tight*
I really have to go pack guys....
and figure out HOW I'm going to get my laptop fixed WITHOUT the computer people taking it away....
If they take it away I'll fall apart :crying:
I might take it in on Saturday...and pray the battery lasts until then....
*sigh*
Love you all
Take Care and I'll see you later
xxxxxxxxxxx

*hugs tight*

I wish my internet was ****ing back. I wish two of my bestest online friends weren't shutting me out. I feel like I'm being pushed away from this online forum, just because of what I did on friday and then wouldn't do on Saturday.....**** sake.

*cries*

I have a one2one soon with my enablers- great :) But I'm feeling increadibly rough, dehdrayted, depressed and hurt. I think I'm gonna actually die from this OD >.<

Helen!!! *pounces on you and hugs you tight* So glad to see you hun :-) I'm sorry you're still feeling sick :notsure:...maybe you should go get checked out..?:notsure:

Alexx, Carole, I'm sorry y'all are feeling so bad. Alexx, you are SO not dirty, don't let some idiot boys make you feel less than the amazing girl that you are. Carole, I'm not sure exactly what's going on or I'd address it *hugs* but I think you're pretty great.

Me? Good lord I am SO anxious :crying: and I woke up that way :crying: I'm not anxious over anything in particular, at least, nothing I can put my finger on... It is a possible side effect of the new medication I started about a week ago... But if it's going to keep this up I'd rather just go back to being on the one and feeling slightly better than the depressed hole I'd been in... Is it strange that I prefer the feeling of depression to that of anxiety :confused:?

For heaven sake, make it bloody stop!!!

*sits in her corner, arms wrapped around her knees and sobs*

hello everyone, how are you?

You know how you know things have gone wrong? When things are really ****ed up?

................................. the answer?


When you would rather feel ****ing awfully depressed than feel this. This weird, empty feeling. I am *wishing* to feel ****ing depressed because I can't deal with this. How ****ed up!

emma its not ****ed up i have felt like that before. at least if you are depressed, you know what you are feeling.

good to see you helen.

i want it to be tuesday. i want to see my counsellor and not have to function.

I am drinking, and yet somewhere there is this little corner of crappiness that I cannot blot out and get rid of. I HATE THIS. I ****ING BLOODY HATE THIS! Please someone, make me normal. Anything, normal. What the ****? WHY? I have so much and I cant ****ing enjoy this. WHY??? I want so scream and slash but I can't!!!! aaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh please........

drinking won't make it all better honey unfortunately. please keep resisting the urges to cut.
hmm, make you normal. well, i don't know hun, what is normal? don't think i can do that sorry but i can keep you safe.

*sits emma down on my couch you brought in for me ad covers her in a blanket. takes the bottle out of her hand and replaces it with calorie-free chocolate* have some scrummy choc instead. it will make you feel better

maybe I should be in a real friggin psych ward? Maybe that would be best. Or maybe I should drive somewhere WHERe I can think? But no, I wont be allowed out this house to drive this drunk. Damn them. I want to be free, in the air to think. but no. they ruin everything. Head won't shut up. be normal, have goals, ambition, drive, all these things I want. I used to be so driven, 'such a bright future' but NO i ****ed it up. WHY? I want to be alone, but I am alone, but also so afraid of being all by myself. Not fair. It just feels so bleh, not depressed, just bleh. enough is enough. STOP. Please someone stop it. dont want this, dont want to do this or be here. Want to be old me, decided hate word 'happy'. load of crap. Want to want stuff and a life! Not so hard surely?

Sorry, Im a bitch. How is everone else? *hugs everyone* counselling will come soon Chloe x

actually it is kind of hard to keep focused on aims and goals and being happy and wanting to live.
and no hun you can't drive drunk. you might hurt someone. can you go for a walk? can you ring a friend to go for a walk with you so you can have space but not be alone?
pease try to keep going. things will improve. you haven't ****ed up your whole life, you've still got years ahead of you.
xxx

what do you think would happen if you went to hospital? what would you get out of it? how would it change how you feel? i don't know, cos ive never been in one. not yet anyway :p

I dunno, I have never been in one either. I think if I went in they would look after me and keep me safe. Oh ****, just had a psycho analysis moment whilst typing that. I hate them. Scrub the wanting to go into hospital.

Sorry, Chloe I know I am being incredibly selfish. Will shut up now. I just hate this sort of mood and worse thing is I have been seeing it coming for a couple of days or so. Are you ok?

OMG ALYSSA I JUST READ YOUR POST FROM EARLY THIS MORNING AND MY THERAPIST DOES THE MINDFULNESS THING TOO!!!!!!!!!!!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
i hate it and i dont understand what it is or when i am supposed to do it and what it is supposed to do hahaha but he keeps talking about it
it's a DBT thing you know hahaha they are DBTing you too twin :)
seriously though what is it supposed to do? i dont understand AT ALL and it has gotten to the point where i smile and nod because when i ask he just repeats the same stuff over and over and he even gave me a handout with diagrams but it just sounds like this zen meditation stuff and my eyes glaze over

Emma i get that feeling too ALL THE TIME it started when i was in high school and i call it my "nothing feeling" because it feels like i have no emotions at all and the first times it started happening i started wishing i was miserable again too because then at least i knew what was going on as opposed to that where i didnt know what i was feeling at all, like at least the severe depression was a feeling even if it was a bad one, right? so i have no idea what it is really but i think i get it too and i think that a lot of us get the nothing feeling thing so you arent alone and it will go away i think *squishes you so you know you arent alone*

HELENNNNNNNNNNNN!!! *pounces on you* so glad to see you post

Chloe i am sorry you have to wait so long
i will wait with you in the Denial Tent because i think i am going to be a recluse and just stay there and never leave
we can play games or something!

Alexx NEITHER of those guys are good enough for you because it sounds like neither is smart enough to realise how great you are or to know what it even is that they want right now
as for the random men on the street who cat-call girls, sometimes it scares me and makes me feel like all they see in me is sex, but i try and remind myself that it isnt true. they are just giving compliments in an immature way, because they dont know us, they just see us walking past, and they notice we are hot and gorgeous and awesome and we are just so awesome that they want to let us know but we are far away so tehy have to yell *nods*

Carole how are you doing atm hun? thanks for the cakes and the treats and stuff. *passes you a pie because pies are nice*

Jeremy hope you are good hun

*leaves a pile of hugs on the floor and hides in the corner*

lol yeah Callie I know it's a DBT thing :-D lol he emailed me back this morning and said it made his day lol guess I don't feel quite as stupid *shrug*

Still feeling pretty lousy though :-( anxious/depressed... Just plain ick.

*hugs everyone* love you guys

*hugs everyone*

Sorry, I'm feeling a bit hungover right now, will be back later with words of advice for people.

Hope you are keeping safe x

Thx's callie...i'm so so atm...unmotivated to do my uni work atm, matter fact unmotivated to do anything atm ugh...oh well, i'll manage somehow hmm

*hugs all*

How is every1 else there? *hugs*

i'm majorly unmotivated too jeremy. so behind :s i have a week off next week, thank GOD, do you have any time off soon?

i am VERY TRIGGERED right now. argh.