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one_step_closer 11-07-2017 10:25 PM

Intense emotional pain
I woke up this morning feeling a hell of a lot worse than usual. I was suicidal as soon as I tried to get up and had to force myself to go to my psychology session. My psychologist was really concerned about me and phoned the extended hours service who I went to see and my CPN was there. They were going to admit me to a ward but the ward I usually go to has no beds and my CPN thought that admitting me to an unfamiliar ward would make me feel worse. They were still going to admit me though because I wasn't agreeing to having extra support in the community because everything seems hopeless and I just want to die but after them going on and on about it for an hour I got tired and just agreed to extra community support for a while. The thing is I'm not getting any relief from talking to people any more and that has been something that usually gets me through so I feel very hopeless about things ever changing and I can't cope with the emotional pain any more. Hospital eventually helps but my new psychiatrist says I can only be admitted for a couple of days to a week from now on because I was in August - November last year then January - February then April - May. Nothing ever stays ok when I get home.

I keep trying to hold on but then getting really strong bursts of wanting to kill myself because I can't cope. I'm told to phone NHS 24 if I need to but I'm terrified of using the phone now and there's no point because they would tell me to go to A&E to be assessed where I would probably just be sent home because I can't explain how bad I feel and there might not even be any hospital beds in Scotland I've been told. I can't keep living like this yet nothing ever changes no matter what I do because I can hardly achieve anything now. My CPN thinks it's good enough for me to achieve going to do some food shopping but that's not enough for me. I can't even get out of bed in the morning most days so that gets my day off to a bad start. I don't want to keep living like this. I guess I just wanted to write this down and hope for some replies although I've not really said much that warrants a reply I know. Thank you to anyone who reads this and replies.

Sketchy 11-07-2017 10:43 PM

I don't have much useful to say, but I do want to send some support. I'm sorry things are bad just now. I understand where you are coming from, because I have often felt that way too.

It sounds like you have been through this before. Can you think of what helped in the past, what might help now? Do you have someone you can talk to?

I know it's all so difficult and horrible, but it can and will pass. In the meantime keep reaching out and keep talking. Also, keep posting here too. You are never alone here.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 12:09 AM

Thank you for your reply. I feel like I have never been in a state like this before, but I also know that I often think the same thing when I get to crisis points. It might help being back here (RYL). I get on really well with my psychologist and I'm dreading our sessions ending, he's the only person who really listens to me and tries to understand and doesn't judge. I'm seeing my CPN in the morning if I can get up on time. She's ok but I don't think she can help.

Sketchy 12-07-2017 01:50 AM

Has your psychologist said when they think sessions will end? It might be an idea to discuss with them and let them know you need and benefit from their support. I hope you manage to see your cpn and are able to talk to her. I know what you mean about if she can help, as I often think my key worker can't help, but it's worth a try. Having someone to vent to can be helpful.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 06:59 AM

Thank you both. I think I have about 3 sessions left with my psychologist. I'm pretty sure it's 100% certain that my therapy will be ending after those sessions or roughly that amount.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 09:33 AM

I'm really struggling. Been close to overdosing but I can't physically take enough tablets. The emotional pain is really, really sharp right now. Physical pain is not taking it away and I can't seem to distract myself. I can't bear to feel this any more, there is never any relief for long. I am absolutely drowning. I seriously have to end this.

tiptoes 12-07-2017 09:49 AM

Is there any community support you reach out too? have you seen your CPN yet?

I hear how desperate you are feeling today, how is your day looking? You say distractions aren't working today, can ask what you have tried, we might be able to think of some other things.

I can relate to the struggling to get out of bed getting the day off to a bad start that you feel you can't recover the day. Mornings are often my worse part of the day too. One thing that I find helpful is to put no expectations on myself in the morning. If it takes me 3 hours to get out of bed, it takes me 3 hours to get out of bed. I then start to set myself small challenges like staying in bed but making sure I'm sat up and not lying down. Or lying on the bed not in the bed. Then moving from the bed to the sofa. I try to think about how long it takes me to start to feel human and then set that as the time after which I have to do something - getting dressed, doing something low key and useful and build the day from there.

I appreciate that baby steps feels so hopelessly slow and small achievements feel insignificant but we need the small wins to give us those small lifts that allows us to do the things that feel more like achievements.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 01:04 PM

Thanks for your reply. I emailed a local charity that provides short term support for people who are suicidal and I've to meet someone tomorrow. I saw my CPN and she said she'll phone me when she's back from her holiday in 3 weeks time and move my appointment forward. I'm trying so hard to stay safe but my suicidal feelings get stronger at different points in the day and at those points I feel impulsive and like I have to end everything asap. Even if I try to tell myself that the feeling will pass because it has before I either can't imagine it happening or I think that there's no point fighting because the feelings will just come back strongly again and again if I stay alive.

stuckin2009 12-07-2017 01:52 PM

Hey there, I'm glad this post started with "I woke up this morning." Very good to have you here. I don't have much to say, but I know how hard it can be to push through when you feel as though there's just no point. Take each win as it comes, you have support here.

UnanimousAnonymous 12-07-2017 02:36 PM

I have no great words of wisdom right now but you have managed to word exactly how I feel too. I really hope you get some support from your team and begin to feel better.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 02:40 PM

Thank you.

I'm struggling a lot right this second and don't know what to do. I can't phone my CPN because I have already seen her. There's nothing anyone can do to help anyway and I can't end up back in hospital because it will upset my brother. I know that me being in hospital would upset him less than me being dead but at least if I was dead the pain would stop for me and I wouldn't be able to see his pain (very selfish I know). I just do not know what to do to ease my emotional pain and I don't want to have to fight this any longer.

tiptoes 12-07-2017 03:05 PM

Sorry you are struggling, I'm glad you have posted.

3 weeks sounds like a long time to go before speaking to your CPN again given how difficult things seem to be, do you think it would be worth seeing if you could see someone else whilst she is on vacation?

I'm glad that you have emailed a charity, can you hold to meet them tomorrow?

When I am struggling with strong suicidal thoughts I try to write a plan to get through each unit of time that feels achievable whether that is an hour or 5 minutes. Do you think that might help you now?

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 03:33 PM

I will be seeing a support worker once a week but I don't really know her and find it hard to talk to her. I'm scared to move from my chair or run out of things to do on my laptop because I think I'll be unsafe. I'm trying to think that maybe the charity can help me because it's something I haven't tried before but there are so many hours until 2pm tomorrow. I find it hard to make plans because I can't concentrate on a lot and when I make plans I usually don't follow them because they're too strict.

tiptoes 12-07-2017 03:42 PM

If 2pm tomorrow feels too far away just focus on the next few hours.

What kind of things on your laptop are helping at the moment? I quite like the site games for the brain it has quite a few short games and most of them don't have a timer so it doesn't matter is I zone out for a bit. I also quite like online jigsaws but they can require a bit more attention depending on the number of pieces you go for.

I meant plan quite loosely like have tv on or play games on laptop, keep occupied, sit quietly, make a cup of tea, surviving in 5 minute chunks.

I'm glad that you have some support whilst she is away, I appreciate it must be difficult to talk to someone you don't really know though.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 04:37 PM

I'm going round in circles on my laptop, checking things like Facebook and I'm running out of things I can concentrate on. I have TV to catch up with but really don't feel like watching anything. I'm supposed to phone the crisis team tonight so I've been counting down the hours until they start although the person who is on just talks a lot about things that I don't find helpful. I'm generally finding nothing helpful though. Everything seems very hopeless.

tiptoes 12-07-2017 05:23 PM

If you need distractions on your laptop you could always pop into the "I need distractions" thread in General Chat, they are a friendly bunch.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 06:49 PM

Thanks for the suggestions. I don't really like games. I'm trying to find the courage to phone the crisis team.

Sketchy 12-07-2017 07:14 PM

Try phone crisis if you need help. I know it can be hit or miss with crisis, but I have had times where I've felt listened to and was helped. Hopefully you'll get to speak to someone who listens and helps too. They are there for times like this.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 08:35 PM

The person who I spoke to from crisis last night told me to phone tonight and that she's on. My CPN wants me to phone too but I just get so anxious. I prefer face to face support. I might just try and get through tonight on my own, I'm holding on for my meeting at the charity tomorrow. I say that but if the suicidal feelings get really big again I don't know what I'll do. I don't feel able to phone crisis right now, I'll try to answer if they phone me but I don't think I can make the call.

UnanimousAnonymous 12-07-2017 08:43 PM

I can understand, I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Do you have any PRN meds to help you sleep tonight? If not, is there anything that helps you sleep so that you can get through tonight before seeing the charity tomorrow? I really hope they can offer you some help. Thinking of you xx

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 10:36 PM

Thank you. I generally don't sleep until the early hours of the morning. I'm so desperate to end my pain right now but can't think of a sure way to do it. Because of this I'm reluctant to phone anyone because it would have to be Breathing Space at this time of the night and they might not want to let me talk if I'm going to be safe anyway because I can't find a way to die. Plus they would probably ask what my diagnosis is and as soon as I say BPD they'd start judging me. Talking isn't going to make things better anyway. I cannot do this for much longer.

I'm sorry for not managing to support anyone on here right now.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 10:49 PM

Thank you. I don't know what might help. I'm so tempted to go out and find some way to kill myself. I don't have the strength to deal with life even with support. I am weak when it comes to coping with emotions and with stress. There is only so much pain anyone can take and I think I'm close to being done with all this.

tiptoes 13-07-2017 03:50 PM

How did this afternoon go?

How are you today?

one_step_closer 13-07-2017 05:55 PM

I just went to bed last night, managed to get some sleep eventually.

I don't think the charity can help me. I spent a stressful 2 hours there doing the referral process and they've offered me reiki next week and gave me a list of phone numbers I already have and a list of alternatives to self harm. I'm supposed to phone the extended hours service to let them know how I got on but I feel too overwhelmed after being there for so long. I have to phone the crisis team again too. I wish talking on the phone was easier.

Juella 14-07-2017 07:49 AM

How are you doing today? Did you manage to sleep ok?

I'm so sorry charity wasn't helpful. Are there any other resources you can think of that you coult turn to if in crisis?

I can relate to struggling with talking on the phone. I hate making phonecalls and when I make any kinds of arrangements I prefer to walk to the place and talk to people face to face, even if it's a long way. For me, it's a little easier if before calling I sit down and write down the things I would say in the beginning of the conversation and the keypoints of what I might have to say later. Then reread it a couple of times. I also tend to create a physical feeling of comfort and safety, even if for me it means I only make important work calls with doors closed, in my bed, in PJs, all cuddled up in my safety blanket and hugging a plushie. I know it might be hard to think of ways how you can make yourself feel a little more comfortable and safe during the calls, because that's the opposite of how you really feel now most of the time, but maybe something comes to your mind. Or maybe, you can tell your crisis team you really hate phonecalls and they try to use different means of communication to keep in touch with you more often?

one_step_closer 14-07-2017 04:59 PM

Thanks for your reply.

I didn't sleep too well last night and I was supposed to meet my support worker for a walk this morning but I didn't make it. People from the CMHT keep phoning to find out why I didn't go but I can't even answer the phone. I'm not sure how to make phone calls any easier.

one_step_closer 14-07-2017 08:50 PM

I'm really struggling. Don't want to do this any more.

Juella 15-07-2017 07:44 AM

I'm so sorry things are being so hard for you. Did people from CMHT got in touch with you? I know it might take all of your strenght, but please pick up the phone when they are calling, they really want to help you.

one_step_closer 15-07-2017 04:51 PM

Thanks. I think people want me to phone them rather than them phoning me now. I'm just so tired of trying to fight to survive through every day, I need some respite from these horrible emotions at least. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Friday and want to say to him that I think I'd maybe benefit from going into hospital for a while but I'm too scared to mention it in case he thinks I just want attention and also because it will worry my brother. I'd only be allowed a couple of days to a week in hospital if it was agreed and I don't know if such a short period of time would be helpful.

mk_boyd 15-07-2017 05:52 PM

so glad you're alive today, that within itself is a major accomplishment. although I have no great words of wisdom on how to help, I will tell you that the amount of love and support you have is infinite. whether it be IRL or just online, there are many people who depend on your existence. don't give up now, keep on speaking.

one_step_closer 15-07-2017 07:00 PM

Thank you. I'm trying so hard to stay safe even though I don't really want to. I wish there was some way to ease my pain. I'd like to talk to someone but don't know what I'd say and I'm probably safe anyway so there's no point annoying anyone. They won't care as long as I don't kill myself.

one_step_closer 15-07-2017 08:45 PM

I'm absolutely desperate to end my life. I need a sure way to do it so I don't have to watch my brother suffer because I get it wrong and he has to constantly worry about me. I have to be selfish. I might be meeting up with my brother tomorrow so I'm trying to hold on through tonight to let him have this one last contact with me. There is no hope that things will ever get better because they just keep getting worse.

sherlock holmes 15-07-2017 10:37 PM

I would ask for a crisis admission, a few days/week could well be enough to break this depressive episode. Have you ever had ECT? I wonder if its time to think about something like that as you seem to get incredibly depressed without much of a break.

one_step_closer 15-07-2017 10:46 PM

Thanks. I don't know if my psychiatrist would agree to a crisis admission since I've managed to stay safe so far this week. I'll maybe ask him if I make it to my appointment but I worry so much about him judging me negatively. I've never had ECT but don't think my psychiatrist would consider it, he very tentatively agreed to change my antidepressant the last time I was in hospital.

Juella 16-07-2017 06:24 AM

I am pretty sure your psychiatrist will agree to a crisis admission if you tell him how you really feel. He isn't going to judge you negatively, he isn't supposed to judge you in any way because he's a doctor, and I'm pretty sure nothing you do or say can shock or dissapoint him, because he likely already saw everything on this job and he is used to dealing with people like you. If you can benefit from ECT, I am sure it will be offered to you, and if not, your psychiatrist would suggest some other options, but he will offer you something. So please, don't hesitate to get in touch with him.

one_step_closer 16-07-2017 11:51 AM

Thanks. The crisis team phoned me but just told me it's my responsibility to stay safe and if I'm not going to be safe I need to phone someone. Telephone support isn't helping, nothing is helping. I am in immense emotional pain and I just can't cope with it any more. I'm not strong enough. I'm not meeting up with my brother today because he was out last night and only just recently went to bed.

bitomato 16-07-2017 01:42 PM

When I read this thread I was happy to see the heading "Today" and read a post from you. You did manage to stay safe for the past week which is fantastic! I am glad you did. This week is full of possibilities. So let's conquer today. RYL wants to be there for you. Have you tried chat?

Sometimes when one is depressed etc. you hone in on certain things to justify negative actions like not asking for help because you won't get the desired response.

I don't think the crisis team, CPN, psychiatrist, psychologist, your brother want you to harm yourself. So please call and leave a message if you have to. Personally, I was not too happy with that format and prefer face to face myself; but at the same time maybe this new charity could provide some additional support and distractions in the next week while you wait for a response.

Find out if your CPN has an emergency coverage CPN or a protocol for their patients who have a crisis. Then rather than focusing on when your CPN gets back from vacation and when the earlier appointment is- you at least know who to reach out to in the interim, updating them on your struggles.

I see my psychiatrist/ psychologist as part of my care team- so what the outcome will be (I can't admit you to IP) is not as important as updating them with where I am at. Calling is sometimes the best way to ensure that they get the message of your needs. If you make a "next appointment" it may be a while before you are seen. That being said, when are your next appointments with your psychiatrist, psychologist, CPN. And maybe you don't want to worry your brother, but if they are able to assist you with going to appointments or making phone calls at the moment- maybe let them- if you are struggling to reach out in this format yourself.

one_step_closer 16-07-2017 03:48 PM

Thank you. I managed to phone Breathing Space and they put me through to NHS 24 who are going to get someone to phone me within the next 3 hours. I think I can stay safe for 3 hours. I'm probably going to be safe forever and will never be able to get away from this pain.

bitomato 16-07-2017 04:31 PM

one_step_closer, I am very proud of you for calling Breathing Space.
I think it can feel frustrating trying to cope with emotional suffering, but things like journaling may give you an outlet for coping. You state staying safe forever like that would be a bad thing- but in fact you are feeling a bit stronger in the moment, while at other times not so much.
I have lived with emotional pain for several decades now, and it often varies in terms of how well I can cope. At the moment, it is clear that being a survivor gives me insight and empathy that others would not have without walking in my shoes.
Similarly, part of the adventure is learning to advocate for yourself and valuing your presence in this world. It takes time. In the space of 1 week you have achieved alot. You don't have to feel as though the pain will last forever. You have the option of surviving because you don't know if the next moment will be one where you cope well- and possibly get some respite from pain. Trust me, it is worth holding on to find out.

one_step_closer 16-07-2017 04:40 PM

Thanks. Someone phoned and is now going to get a CPN or doctor to phone me within an hour. I feel like nothing is going to help me and I do not want to try any more but try I do, for my brother. I don't know how much longer I can hold on for.

Juella 16-07-2017 06:57 PM

So, did someone get in touch with you? How did it go?
I'm sure your brother will be immensley proud of you for holding on for him. Please, keep trying. Lets take it one hour at a time. For now, it would be great if you'd make it for another hour. And then, if you can do it, you can set a goal for another one. Does an hour seems like a manageable amount of time to hold on for right now?

one_step_closer 16-07-2017 07:07 PM

A CPN phoned and was very dismissive. She told me that I just need to distract myself and when I said the pain is so intense that I can't distract myself she said I just need to keep trying. I'll be getting a call from a mental health association crisis team where my support worker is from but I know who's on tonight and she never helps me. I feel like because I have BPD I am taken less seriously, but my negative emotions are so much more extreme than they have been and they are more extreme than other people in general who don't have BPD. This is a tough illness to live with.

Juella 16-07-2017 07:42 PM

I'm so sorry you were treated this way. It must be really tough to hold on when mental health services are being so unhelpful. Can't imagine how hard it must be on you, dealing with your illness. But you've got this far and that's amazine. You're a real fighter. Hope you'll feel at least a little better soon.

Buttons. 16-07-2017 08:04 PM

I understand that feeling of stigma because of a BPD diagnosis and I am so sorry to hear yet again how prevalent it is. However please know there are people out there, both within and outside of the MH community who do understand or at least try to just how intense and raw emotions can feel with this illness. You are not alone. And we care, even if it seems like some prats don't.

one_step_closer 16-07-2017 08:49 PM

Thank you both. I really appreciate your support.

one_step_closer 17-07-2017 03:20 PM

I just feel like no one can really get it unless they've experienced BPD so they will think I'm just being dramatic or something.

UnanimousAnonymous 17-07-2017 03:51 PM

I can totally understand.
I feel in the same predicament at the moment.
*gentle hugs*

Sketchy 17-07-2017 06:37 PM

It must be upsetting and very invalidating to be dismissed like that. When I've been in crisis I've had people say I need to just keep trying with distractions when I've explained it's not working, so I truly sympathise.

Could you maybe phone someone else like the Samaritans? You did really well in phoning breathing space. Don't let this experience put you off phoning again. Not everyone will be dismissive. Keep talking to us to. You don't have to deal with this alone.

one_step_closer 17-07-2017 07:55 PM

Thank you both.

I've to call the crisis team where my support worker is based at 8pm and I'm so anxious. Wish it was easier to make phone calls. I might just try and say I don't really want to talk tonight because I think it could make me feel worse, but it depends on who is working tonight I suppose. Today has been a little easier thankfully but I'm in desperate need of respite from this pain. Even when I feel a bit better I am terrified of the hard times coming again because I know they will.

Sketchy 17-07-2017 08:12 PM

It's difficult making these phone calls, but I think you are being incredibly brave.

I'm glad today has been easier. Try not to think too far ahead. Deal with each moment as it comes.

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