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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

sherlock holmes 23-11-2017 08:53 AM

Instead of using an app on your phone you can just delete, I think it would be better if you had a physical alarm. So you could plug it in on the landing or something so that when it goes off you have to get up to turn it off. Or buy one of those alarms that when they go off they fly across the room or something. Or buy a few cheap alarms and put them in a few different places, set to go off 15 minutes after each other so you'd have to get up each time to turn them off.

one_step_closer 23-11-2017 06:16 PM

Thank you both. I put my phone away from my bed so I have to get up to delete it or change it. The app really was helping by making me have to wake up a bit by doing puzzles and then going downstairs to take a photo of a barcode. I can't see the digital alarm I have in my bedroom (silly eyes!) so I might try and move it downstairs. It's so easy just to go back to bed though. My mood is very low and I am lacking in motivation to do pretty much anything. I didn't make it to the gym group today. There is not enough good in my life to justify living, only potentially enough bad could come to my brother to make me feel like I need to hold on for him. I really think I would kill myself if I could be sure of a method though. But I'm trying to hold on. I always try.

Sketchy 23-11-2017 07:29 PM

Keep fighting. We need you here.

Would planning something in the afternoon be more attainable? Can you go to the gym then? Or even just go for a coffee? That’s what I sometimes try to do, but I make it the afternoon. I find it helpful and it’s also a nice treat.

one_step_closer 23-11-2017 08:58 PM

Thanks. The gym group is at 1pm which should be easily attainable, it makes me feel like I am absolutely ridiculous and out of order for not even managing to make it out of bed in time for that. Once I'm up there's not a lot of daylight time left so I feel like it's too late to be doing things and I usually just end up picking up my prescription, going to the shop, and coming home for the rest of the short evening before I'm back in bed. I try to go to bed earlyish every night in the hope that I will get up early in the morning, I worry if I stay up later I'll get up even later or won't get up at all for 30 odd hours like I used to do.

My support worker and support assistant are coming to see me tomorrow evening to review my plan which has finished now (individual support to go to the gym then starting the gym group). I think I'm going to say I don't want to go to the gym group until I get my sleeping pattern sorted again if it's even possible to get it sorted again. As much as I want to die I'm also terrified about the amount of my life I'm wasting and can't get back. I feel quite powerless and also pathetic because I surely should be able to do the simple things that other people do especially since I was managing to get up every morning for a period of time. I must just be hugely lazy.

Sketchy 23-11-2017 09:29 PM

You aren’t lazy at all. Try be kinder to yourself. Think what you would say to someone else in the same position.

one_step_closer 27-11-2017 04:04 PM

Just had a phone call from my (old) CPN saying she has double booked the appointment she arranged with me and my new CPN is off sick this week so I won't be able to see anyone until next week. It's been hard enough having the previous week without support. On top of this my (old) CPN has a lot of time off this week so if I needed to phone her she'd likely not be available. She said I can phone extended hours if I need to but I would only phone them if I was in a major crisis, I couldn't phone them to try and prevent a crisis. Feeling really alone. I was holding on for my appointment this week. I need to stop holding on anyway. It's about time I was dead.

Sketchy 27-11-2017 07:03 PM

I’m sorry your appointment has been cancelled. Remember to phone extended hours if you need to.

Keep posting here too for support. I’ll listen.

one_step_closer 27-11-2017 08:04 PM

Thanks. I tried to phone the crisis team tonight but someone answered who I don't feel able to talk to. I cut a code into my arm last night, the code that the men told me to write down and bury in the garden (have mentioned this code on here before but I don't want to say again what its purpose is), I thought it might have more effect if I cut it into myself. Not sure how long it will take. I'm more convinced that it isn't going to work but I had to do it just in case. I am powerless to help my brother in human ways. The things I'm doing for him aren't helping in the slightest. Maybe the men can guide me but I think I'd need to go to the bridge to talk to them properly and there are just so many practical issues about that which make it scary to do. If only I had never been born. If only my twin had survived instead of me, I know she would have been able to take better care of everyone. My Mum wouldn't have turned to alcohol and she'd be alive right now along with my healthy and happy brother. The wrong twin was chosen to live. Maybe the solution is for me to kill myself, it could reset everything. I don't know what percentage of reality I exist in. I need to figure it out and the consequences of that. I need to find a sure suicide method because a botched suicide will hurt my brother more than if I get it right.

I can't keep facing up to my pain multiple times a day. I can't see a practical way of coping or easing my emotional distress. The self harm that I am able to tolerate isn't enough to give me any relief. Suicide seems easy to achieve for lots of other people, Chester Bennington for one. If he can do it so can I. I just don't think I'd have enough luck to get it right.

Sketchy 27-11-2017 08:09 PM

You have every right to be alive and I am glad that you are. Keep fighting. Could you try phoning crisis again, see if you get to speak to someone else? What about the samaritans or breathing space? This all sounds very distressing and you need the help right now.

one_step_closer 27-11-2017 08:29 PM

Thanks. The person who answered when I phoned crisis takes most of the calls when she's on and I don't feel able to ask to talk to whoever else is on because that might offend her. I was thinking about phoning Breathing Space. I've been looking at their website for a while putting off phoning them. It's too hard to talk. I only really want to talk to someone who knows me and who doesn't judge me. I can't cope any more.

Sketchy 27-11-2017 08:46 PM

Try giving breathing space a call. It sounds like you need to talk to someone. They won’t judge you either.

sherlock holmes 28-11-2017 06:41 PM

I hope you managed to call someone. How are you today?

one_step_closer 28-11-2017 06:47 PM

I didn't phone anyone. It's too anxiety provoking to speak on the phone. I got out of bed in the afternoon so I've wasted most of my day. I'm feeling quite on edge. Think I saw one of the police officers who recently took me to A&E in Tesco. I wish I was seeing my CPN tomorrow. I wish my CPN wasn't transferring me. I need someone who can reassure me. Everyone good in my life is leaving or has already left. I don't need friends or family, I just need professionals. At least I don't have to hide things from professionals or worry too much about how what I say might affect them. It's becoming more and more difficult to deal with life and I have limited means of reaching out to people. I need more face to face supportive contact. I need to die, that's what it all comes down to. This is not living and it's more living than a lot of people do. I don't have the skills to live as a human. I am not fully human anyway so how am I supposed to thrive in this environment? I don't know if my human heart has been taken away, the men were due to operate when I was in hospital in April but I don't know if it was successful because the nurses didn't follow the after operation procedure to let me disappear fully.

I don't want to come back to this day after day. I don't know how long I potentially have to naturally live for but I think it's going to be too much to deal with. Passing time just makes things harder, I'm losing strength and will to carry on. I may as well try to kill myself in whatever way I think is the most likely to be successful. If I get it wrong I may be trapped in a body physically unable to do anything for myself but many people get suicide right, hopefully I will be one of those people.

one_step_closer 28-11-2017 08:38 PM

Sorry. I really need some help to try and get through tonight. I managed to phone the crisis team and was lucky that my support worker answered so I was able to talk. He asked me to write something and phone my CPN/extended hours tomorrow. I feel utterly hopeless and like there is nothing that they can do to help but I'm trying so hard to hold on and give talking to them a go. It's just right now everything is way too extreme and I'm finding it hard to get through this moment and don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the night. A big part of me feels unable to hold on until tomorrow because I know that nothing can be done to help me and I just want to let go of life right now. I don't think I can phone NHS 24 or go to A&E no matter what state I get in because my CPN and psychiatrist get annoyed when I present to emergency services. If I phoned crisis and spoke to my support worker again he may tell me to go to A&E or something but I really don't want to be sitting in that stressful environment for hours. My life isn't worth saving. I only want to do the bare minimum to get through tonight and speak to my CPN/extended hours tomorrow and then get on with killing myself when they tell me they can't help. I'm trying so hard, for my brother. But I can't keep his image in my mind when the pain becomes too much.

Sketchy 28-11-2017 09:27 PM

Well done on phoning crisis. I know how hard that can be. I don’t have advice, but I am here for you.

I promise, your life is worth saving. I know it doesn’t feel like it but it is and you deserve all the help you can get.

one_step_closer 28-11-2017 09:40 PM

Thank you. I phoned crisis again in the hope that my support worker would answer again but it was the person who I find least helpful. I tried to talk to her but have learned that I'm probably right to hang up when she answers. She just made me feel like an awful person and like I should be able to get through things easily. It's nearly time for me to go offline. I don't want to but I don't want to stay up later than usual because then I might get up even later tomorrow and miss my chance to phone my CPN. I'll just have to lie in bed panicking all night.

Sketchy 28-11-2017 09:42 PM

Is there anything you can do to help calm you down? Does listening to music help? I hope you manage to get some sleep.

one_step_closer 29-11-2017 10:15 AM

I'm really, really anxious. I phoned extended hours and a man answered but he was with someone. He said my CPN starts at 10.30 and he'll get her to phone me. I don't think any form of help is for the best. This feels like it needs to be my last day alive. I can't keep living this way. I don't know what my CPN will say. There's nothing anyone can do.

one_step_closer 29-11-2017 11:22 AM

My CPN phoned and she and the other person who are on extended hours are coming to see me at about 1.45. She wasn't hearing my pain. This can't be resolved. I'm more sure than not that I will be able to attempt suicide in a way that should be likely to work or leave me physically disabled. My emotional pain is very strong and I can't cope with it any more. I don't even know how I'm going to get through the next hours until extended hours come and see me. I'm in too much pain to even hold on for my brother now. I don't want to keep having to find ways to tolerate the pain, it is absolutely close to unbearable right now. I don't know what to do other than to kill myself.

sherlock holmes 29-11-2017 03:47 PM

I hope your CPN was able to help you, and that they listened to how distressed you were.

one_step_closer 29-11-2017 04:01 PM

Thanks. By the time my CPN and the other nurse came I was a bit calmer so they think I'm ok. Have to see extended hours again tomorrow at 1 and I've to phone NHS 24 at night if I need to. I'm absolutely terrified because I know I will hit a crisis point again and it's likely to be very soon. Even if I'm only suicidal for 5 minutes I could end up killing myself in those 5 minutes. It doesn't help to tell myself that it will likely pass because I am so deep in painful emotions and I know that they will be recurring. I can't stay in the moment, I'm always worried about the ticking time bomb of my emotions. Don't know how I'm going to fare at my next crisis point, here we go again.

one_step_closer 29-11-2017 07:04 PM

This is a big part of what is triggering me right now and I don't know what to do. I did something awful in my childhood, didn't realise it was awful at first because I was a child and when I did find out I never did it again. That doesn't take back the fact that it was wrong even though my intentions were not cruel and I did not understand what I was doing. I think about it many times through the day, when I'm trying to sleep, I sometimes have related nightmares. I worry about the person who was the victim in all this, how often do they think about it? How much are they hurting? How evil do they think I am? I think about bringing it up with someone but it's not fully mine to bring up. If I told someone I'd end up having to get the victim involved and it will make things very hard for them. I want to explain that I didn't know that I was doing anything wrong, I want to apologise. I don't know how other people will judge me either, if they will think this was a childhood mistake or if they will think I was old enough to have bad intentions. If this was done as an adult, which I would never do, it would be seen as something very bad. I have likely caused someone a trauma and I am deeply, deeply remorseful. I am ashamed to tell anyone what I've done because I know not everyone will understand that I didn't mean it in the way it may seem. I don't think there is anyone I can trust to confide in now anyway since. my CPN is transferring me to someone else. If I tell someone they will pass it on to other people who treat me and everyone will see me as an evil being. The important thing is that I do what is right for the victim but I don't know what that is, if I should somehow prompt them that they can bring it up if they need to or what. I deserve to be executed. I made a terrible mistake.

Sketchy 29-11-2017 08:19 PM

Maybe try talk to new cpn about it? Sounds like talking it through with someone will help. Wish I had helpful words.

Sketchy 30-11-2017 04:29 PM

How you doing today?

one_step_closer 30-11-2017 04:41 PM

I spoke to someone on IMAlive last night about my worries, skirted round the issue as I did here. I didn't receive a reaction that I was any sort of a bad person and I thought I could maybe talk to my CPN. I kept changing my mind throughout the night and during the day and when I was in the waiting room to see extended hours. Extended hours were busy with someone else so the CPN who was on yesterday and someone else came to talk to me instead. My head was full. I ended up crying lots and telling them about my guilty conscience, the full facts. They didn't think it made me bad, just a confused child who meant no harm. But who knows if they were just hiding their hate of me. Now it will go in my notes and everyone will know. I can't take it back. I'm feeling very raw, distressing thoughts, suicidal. I keep going over and over what I said and what I will say in the future. I know I didn't mean to do anything wrong but the fact is what I did was wrong. It's like if someone does something that is offensive in another culture but they didn't know it was offensive, they've still done something wrong.

The CPN said I don't know how the other person involved in this feels, they may be able to see what happened as childhood behaviour messed up because of the unstable environment I was brought up in. I'm absolutely consumed by guilt. I can't forgive myself but I do know that I did not mean any harm and I would never act that way as an adult. There is no going back. I'm terrified that all the people who see me as a good person will now see me as a bad person. The CPN said she still thinks I'm a good person. I'm so hugely sorry that I was even born.

Sketchy 30-11-2017 04:47 PM

You didn’t mean any harm. It’s time to put it in the past. You were a child and didn’t know any better. I believe you are a good person, and your cpn thinks so too, please let that reassure you.

Is there anything you can do to distract yourself from thinking about it? I often think about the past or future and worry, but I have to distract myself from it. Can you try use distractions? I know it’s not that easy.

Please believe me that you are a good person. You are so kind to people here and you have so much to offer. It’s great that you were born.

one_step_closer 30-11-2017 05:04 PM

Thank you. I definitely can't put it in the past until I speak to the other person involved and see how they are feeling. I don't know if I will even be able to move forward then. I'll try and find some things to occupy me tonight.

Sketchy 30-11-2017 05:08 PM

Finding something to occupy yourself with sounds like a good plan. Is there anything you can do that you enjoy? Or even pamper yourself? Is there anything that has helped before?

one_step_closer 30-11-2017 05:17 PM

Usually the most distracting thing I can do is watch some catch up TV or something that holds my interest, not a film because they're too long. Talking is my main way of coping but this is something I can't talk to just anyone about.

Sketchy 30-11-2017 05:22 PM

Remember there is always breathing space to call. You can talk things through with them. Obviously you can talk here too.

TV is a good distraction. It’s good if you can find something you enjoy watching.

sherlock holmes 30-11-2017 06:08 PM

I dont think you're a bad person. If you had done something truly wrong and criminal then I am sure they would have had to refer the matter to the police etc. But they didn't, you were reassured that you didn't do anything wrong. So try to put it behind you. We've all done things as kids that would be considered criminal or not nice when done as adults, but kids don't know the full extent of their actions. For example children will hit or bite when angry/frustrated but grow out of this. But if they did it as an adult they would be charged with assault. It's why you can't hold a child accountable by adult standards because there is no comparison.

one_step_closer 30-11-2017 08:29 PM

Maybe I'm not a bad person but good people can still do bad things. Children can still negatively affect other people whether they mean to or not and I can't take back what I've done. If it was the other way around and I was in this person's shoes I think I would see it as a trauma. I've always imagined that other people would be very angry and hateful of me if I was to say what happened so I was a bit surprised when I wasn't met with any of that today. I'm trying to hold on to the fact that I meant no harm, I didn't understand what I was doing was wrong, and that my upbringing made things a bit strange. It doesn't erase any hurt I've caused though. I am a curse. I was bringing pain into the world before/when I was born (killing my twin sister) and it's all been further downhill from then. I know I have done a lot of good in my life too, especially with looking after my parents and brother when they needed it but that's not enough.

Sketchy 01-12-2017 01:55 PM

You are not a curse. Focus on the good things you’ve done for your family. That shows you are a good person. You have also been very kind and helpful to me, which I greatly appreciate and I see you as a good person.

one_step_closer 01-12-2017 04:40 PM

Thank you. I would say I am a good person, but I have made some serious mistakes. I know we all make mistakes, I'd do anything to take back this one mistake. I'm finding it hard to distract myself but I deserve to be punished anyway. I managed to go to the gym with my support assistant which helped a bit.

Sketchy 01-12-2017 04:45 PM

That’s great you went to the gym and enjoyed it. Can you do that again since it helps?

We do all make mistakes and plenty of us make serious mistakes too, but soon we have to learn from it and then move on. Could you talk more to your cpn about ways in which you can move on from it?

one_step_closer 01-12-2017 05:02 PM

I think it was being out with my support assistant that helped, I don't get much from going to the gym. I'll be getting that support once a week for the next 5 weeks. I don't know who else to spend time with since my treatment is all serious talk and my friend is in hospital just now so it will be hard spending time with her because she is unwell. The CPN I spoke to yesterday said I don't need to visit my friend if I don't feel up to it but my support worker said we put aside our own feelings when our friends are unwell so I don't know what I'm going to do.

It was a CPN from the extended hours team I confided in, she will pass it on to my current CPN and my soon to be CPN. I don't really feel like I trust my soon to be CPN enough to talk things through with her but I think I'm going to be transferred to her very soon. I wish I could have stuck with my current CPN. I'll be seeing one or both of the CPNs at some point next week I think so I will try and discuss things then. I need to think of what is best for the other person involved in this. Thought I had a plan last night but maybe I should hold off until I get some advice.

Sketchy 01-12-2017 05:09 PM

Get some advice first. I know it’s hard getting a new cpn, but maybe they can offer a fresh perspective.

It’s up to you whether you visit your friend. It’s nice that you want to help, but it’s ok to look after yourself too. Is there anything that would make visiting her easier?

one_step_closer 01-12-2017 07:45 PM

It's difficult because in a way it's hard for me to trust other people and I usually get bad vibes from people at first, thinking things like they hate me or they are harsh and won't be helpful and stuff. I've met my going to be CPN about 4 times now and I'm comparing her to my current CPN and feel like I can't trust her. I'll just have to see how it goes.

I text my friend saying I was sorry for not phoning her (she asked me to phone a couple of days ago) and she said she's really struggling too and needs a friend. She'll tell me at the last minute if she wants me to visit tomorrow and I don't deal well with last minute plans. If she needs me there I'll try my best to be there anyway.

one_step_closer 01-12-2017 08:59 PM

Thanks for your input. I think she sometimes doesn't realise what I go through when I'm out of hospital because she equates being in hospital as being unwell and being at home as being almost fine because when I was last in hospital she was doing ok and managed to visit me once or twice. I will visit it's just that I'm not good with last minute plans, I need to prepare, but my friend is very changeable with plans.

Buttons. 01-12-2017 08:59 PM

thinking of you x

one_step_closer 01-12-2017 09:01 PM

Thank you muchly.

one_step_closer 02-12-2017 06:31 PM

Worried about having to confront everything head on. Just because the CPN I spoke to doesn't believe I have deliberately done a bad thing that doesn't mean that the view of others will be the same. My CPN is going to phone me on Monday to make an appointment with her or with her and my going to be CPN so she may mention things on the phone. I'm used to dealing with painful emotions but I protect myself from as much as possible, I can't protect myself from facing up to things now. Don't really know how to cope. I'm suicidal but think it would be unfair to leave the world at this point before I have explained things to the other person.

Sketchy 02-12-2017 06:42 PM

I’m glad you are talking to your cpn and I hope your new cpn will be helpful.

Is there anything you can do to take your mind off these thoughts for tonight? Or would talking about it help? Perhaps to breathing space? I hope you can distract yourself. I know it’s hard.

one_step_closer 03-12-2017 07:49 PM

There is no way I can put this back in my box other than through suicide. The last time I had to deal with something traumatic that wasn't just coming from my own feelings the process of moving on from it took at least 2 years. I can't cope with that again.

Sketchy 03-12-2017 08:16 PM

Are you safe? Do you think you could phone someone for help?

one_step_closer 03-12-2017 08:49 PM

I'm safe enough for now. Just terrified about what will happen next. I don't want to have to talk things through with anyone, let alone my soon to be CPN because I haven't built up a trusting relationship with her yet. I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I should have held everything inside for the rest of my life unless it was brought up by the other person involved.

Sketchy 03-12-2017 08:58 PM

Maybe you could tell your cpn you aren’t ready to talk about it yet, but consider it in the future. It will take time to build trust with her, but hopefully you will eventually be able to talk to her.

I’m sorry you are feeling this way and struggling with regret over talking about it. But maybe talking will do some good.

one_step_closer 04-12-2017 12:32 PM

Thanks. I don't know what's for the best. I should hopefully have at least one more appointment with my current CPN so maybe she'll be able to help since she knows me a bit better. Once I'm transferred I'll have no one I trust to talk to. I want to do what is right for the other person involved in this but I don't know how they feel about anything. I don't know if it's better to leave things how they are or if this person is also tortured by what I've done and needs me to bring it up and explain things.

My current CPN is supposed to be phoning today to let me know when my next appointment is. She will now likely know what I have disclosed and I'm so scared that she'll hate me. If everything goes wrong I'm going to have to find a way to kill myself because I really don't know if I can cope with all this emotional pain.

one_step_closer 04-12-2017 05:58 PM

My CPN phoned in the afternoon. She was going to see me on Friday but I've to go to the gym so I have an appointment for next week. She said we'll talk about things. I don't know if she was trying to get the phone call over with because she hates me. I don't want her to hate me. I don't want her to transfer me to the other CPN.

I watched a documentary about 3 people with mental health problems. One guy was drinking quite a bit and had panic attacks. My brother probably suffers like that. I need to stop his suffering. I went to bed last night making up a story in my head where he dies quickly very soon. He needs to die. I can't protect him from anything. I can barely cope with my issues and he'll have a lot more without any relief because he has no professional support. Does he ever get a break? I can't deal with my pain and the pain I perceive him to be in. Nothing at all can change for the better now. All avenues I imagine myself going down lead to things being worse. It's uncomfortable and distressing enough being in this position without the added pressures of work etc which will have to be a part of my future. I was never built to cope with life for long. The emotional agony is unbearable.

It's not good enough for me to try and distract myself as much as possible, that's not taking away my brother's pain. When I spoke to someone from crisis one day she said we can't compare our pain with that of other peoples because it's subjective. But my brother has clearly communicated that he is in pain and I am not helping him! Google is not telling me how I can transfer his pain from him to me. I need to eliminate all but the smallest negative emotions from him. I don't have the strength to be a good sister. The solution may only be for me to kill myself and hope that my brother quickly follows my lead. I have zero pain tolerance. I can't deal with anything. I'm so triggered to attempt suicide in a violent type way so it should be more likely to be successful. I want to stop existing.

Sketchy 04-12-2017 07:00 PM

Low on words, but I have read and care. I hope you can reach out for support. Maybe calling out or hours or breathing space would be an idea.

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