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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 07-11-2017 06:16 PM

Thanks. I didn't phone my CPN. During the day I know that I have the option to phone someone who knows me (my CPN or support worker) and often that is enough to keep me going but then it gets to this time and that support is no longer available and I feel very on my own. I don't think my CPN would have been able to do anything to prevent whatever emotions I may end up feeling tonight anyway so there wasn't much point in bothering her. I'll maybe write something to give to her when I see her tomorrow.

Sketchy 07-11-2017 06:26 PM

Writing it down is a good idea. I hope it helps.

I know what you mean. Nights are worse because there isn’t as much support, so maybe you can come up with a plan to help at those times. Maybe it’s worth talking to your cpn about.

one_step_closer 07-11-2017 06:33 PM

Thank you. I'll probably leave the writing till tomorrow as I don't want to unnecessarily trigger myself tonight when I can't get support. I'm not seeing my CPN till the late afternoon anyway so I should have time. I write every day and will just copy some parts of what I have already written without too much thinking involved! Posting here so much yesterday evening really documented my journey, something which I think was helpful to see as I usually write in my diary/blog once a day and whatever happens after I've written is written about the following day from what I remember so posting on RYL shows a more active journey that I don't have to form from memory.

Sketchy 07-11-2017 06:39 PM

I’m glad posting here helps. And it’s good that you are writing.

I hope your appointment with your cpn goes well.

one_step_closer 07-11-2017 06:43 PM

Thanks. I will really miss my CPN. Have at least 2 more appointments left with her before I'm transferred to my new CPN.

Sketchy 07-11-2017 06:47 PM

Hopefully your new cpn will be good. Maybe it will be good to get a new perspective.

sherlock holmes 09-11-2017 05:01 PM

How are you doing?

one_step_closer 09-11-2017 05:43 PM

Thanks for asking. I didn't write anything for my CPN but managed to explain some things. I think she heard me well enough but there's nothing anyone can really do. I'm back into the habit of changing my alarm again and again and not getting out of bed until the late morning or afternoon and that is making me feel bad. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up getting up in the morning. I didn't make it to the gym group today because of that. The days seem short enough what with it hardly being light for long and I feel like I'm not really seeing the day.

I think I have shingles too, so does the pharmacist. It's not too bad right now but I'm unsure about some patches on my back which feel like a combination of eczema and shingles. I always have patches of eczema so I know the difference between that and another rash. I didn't show the pharmacist he just asked about my symptoms and said it does sound like shingles. I was only wanting to know if I needed to go to the GP as I don't want to waste their time, the pharmacist said the GP could prescribe me a med but it will clear up on its own so I'm just going to leave it. The pharmacist asked me about my mental health too. It was quite good to talk to him about it, he knows me well since I pick up my prescription daily but I rarely get a chance to properly talk to him. I feel like I need some human connection but not with friends because it's too much to be social right now.

Sketchy 09-11-2017 05:48 PM

I’m sorry you might have shingles. I’ve heard that can be really uncomfortable. I hope it clears up soon.

What helps get you out of bed? Would it be helpful to set a time where you just move into another room, without pressure of doing much else? I know how hard it is to get up. I struggle with it too, so I do sympathise.

one_step_closer 09-11-2017 07:06 PM

Thanks. I always have good intentions about getting out of bed but then I feel so tired in the morning and I get up to change my alarm then end up back in bed. I know what I need to force myself to do, it's just that it's not easy to do that forcing. I need to stick with the process of Freaky Alarm rather than deleting the app so it shuts up and I need to go downstairs and lie on the couch for a while if I still feel a bit tired. Stay away from my bedroom for a while. I need to be staying out of bed for a short time at least because that usually makes me feel more awake and able to get on with things. It's so easy to just avoid tired feelings by staying in bed.

The volunteer coordinator who I was supposed to meet up with along with the manager of a housing complex about befriending an older person has emailed and said the person who I was going to befriend has had a change of heart so I'm having to wait until someone else requests a befriender. I'm worried about what my CPN might try to push me into since this is on hold.

Sketchy 09-11-2017 07:10 PM

That’s a shame about the befriender. Hopefully you’ll get to do it soon.

I understand about getting up. I find it so hard too.

sherlock holmes 10-11-2017 02:49 PM

While I dont really struggle with getting up in the mornings, sometimes I have gone back to bed. Often I find myself being tired in the mornings, but if I get dressed and go for a walk it forces me to wake up a bit (or doing another activity that keeps me occupied). If I lounge around or go back to bed the tiredness doesn't go away but kind of just stays so I feel like I can never get out of bed. I think sometimes lying down can just prolong the exhausted feeling.

one_step_closer 10-11-2017 07:19 PM

The men told me a code to lead to my brother's death. I have to bury it in the garden. My brother is really struggling and I can't help him any other way. He wants to die anyway. I'm hoping the code is right or the next step will have to be my suicide in the hope that it will lead to his suicide or I convince him that it's ok for him to kill himself, or I find a way to physically overpower him and kill him myself. The best step is probably to kill myself and give my brother the freedom to do what he wants with his life or lack of life. I can't think of any rituals that will help. There may be people in my house/the world in general who are going to help me end our lives. I smelt aftershave in my bedroom and I don't use any perfumes or deodorants in my bedroom. A plumber came today and I think he put some kind of surveillance device in my bathroom. I'm sure that the police put something in my car when they moved it when they took me to A&E. There is definitely someone in my house. The best thing to do is for me to kill myself. The code's not going to work is it? If it would make things better I would kill my brother and risk going to prison. He has to come first. I'm so worried. Everything is so hopeless. I can't even talk this through with someone who knows me because it's the evening and then weekend again! I probably shouldn't talk anyway. Don't know what to do.

Sketchy 10-11-2017 07:44 PM

Please phone crisis or someone. It really sounds like you need the support right now and some help. Do you think you could try give someone a phone?

one_step_closer 10-11-2017 08:39 PM

I managed to phone crisis and luckily got through to someone I know and get on well with. Just spoke about my brother. I don't know how to help him. I don't know how many more years of suffering he will have to go through. Calmed down a bit after speaking to crisis, if a good person hadn't answered I don't know what I would have done. Went to Tesco and bought some yum yums for comfort eating. Something has happened to my bedroom door. Don't know how to catch the person out who is in my house.

Sketchy 10-11-2017 08:45 PM

Could you get someone to check over your house to see if it’s safe?

I’m glad you spoke to crisis. Keep talking to them when you need to. Were they helpful?

one_step_closer 15-11-2017 07:59 PM

I haven't felt able to be on here for a little while. I feel like my life is absolutely pointless, I know I've said that many times. I can't think of anything that would make me feel content. I can't think of anything that I am actually able to do to move forward because my mental health problems get in the way. Life is all about work and relationships and I really don't feel able to cope with them to the extent that is probably going to be expected of me soon. I've got back into a pattern of staying in bed until the afternoon. I need to be up earlier tomorrow because my support worker is coming to review my support now that my individual gym support has ended and I've to go to the gym group. I need to be doing something more than I am doing with my life but as I've said I don't know what's even possible. I am in awe of people who have mental health problems yet hold down a job and/or take care of their family. I am utterly useless. Soon I will be forced into work. I'm young, I have qualifications, that's where people will want to push me. I'm not an adult, I was an adult when I was a child and a teenager and in my early 20s looking after my parents and brother. I selfishly don't want to have to look after anyone again in my whole life. I'm going to be alone always anyway.

My CPN is going back to seeing me fortnightly after having seen me once a week for the past 3 weeks. It was ok when I was seeing my psychologist in between but even this past one week has felt like an eternity. I am not strong enough to deal with my life and with my brother's life, both together or just one at a time. There's nothing that can be done to make things better, I can't stand being stuck here and I also feel unable to move forward. I should be grateful for what I have but I'm constantly worrying about what difficulties the future will bring.

one_step_closer 18-11-2017 06:32 PM

Having a bit of a hard time. Didn't make it to see my support worker or the gym group because I couldn't get out of bed. I keep having good intentions but can't seem to get back into getting up in the morning and it's upsetting. I was thinking last night that I could maybe cope with a library assistant job but as soon as I was up and about I had second thoughts. There are no jobs in this area where I would be able to work right now anyway. There are also no voluntary positions. I fail at everything anyway. The past, present, and future are all hopeless. Things can only get worse. I can't move forward. I need to focus on ending my life. Like a good girl I am listening to music on my headphones which helps a bit but I don't want to keep saving myself. This pain goes on and on and life is absolute torture, not worth living. Feeling really alone with everything.

Sketchy 18-11-2017 06:47 PM

I understand how hard it is to get up. Maybe set small attainable goals, like getting up at a certain time and just moving into the living room.

It’s ok that you aren’t able to work just now. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Maybe in the future that will change, but focus on the now and what you need for recovery and to recuperate.

I’m sorry you are in pain. I wish I had answers, but I have read and I care.

one_step_closer 18-11-2017 07:55 PM

I don't think there are any answers to how to 'fix' things in my life. Only death will do that. Every option I come up with has risks of keeping me alive but making me physically disabled and I don't want that to happen. I can't even find a method of self harm to help right now. I don't want to keep going through this. I'm losing all coping mechanisms, I'm just suffering. I know many people have it worse than me and it probably seems like I'm complaining about nothing. I don't feel able to hold on to any small thing that feels good, I'm only holding on because I can't think of a sure way to kill myself. There is not enough respite from emotional distress. I am expecting too much anyway because no one was ever promised an easy life. My brother is probably holding on for me and I'm holding on for him. Our lives have been full of trauma and death and I can't continue feeling this way.

Sorry for posting this. I'm not expecting a solution. I just feel alone and I'm tired of holding on.

Sketchy 18-11-2017 08:07 PM

You aren’t alone here.

I don’t have the words, but I have read and I’m here.

one_step_closer 18-11-2017 08:52 PM

Thank you.

My life is one big wound that is trying to be held together by inappropriate steri strips. They fail, the wound opens. I will never heal. How long has this 'episode' gone on? I don't have episodes, my life is one big distressing mess with brief periods of respite. There's not enough to hold on to. I'm never going to have a partner or children, and I don't want to anyway. I can't form close relationships so there is nothing to live for. Every suicide method I come across has the potential to go wrong and leave me physically disabled. What is the solution? There is probably no solution. I can't even think that maybe I could try long term therapy because I have tried that many times and haven't moved forward. There is no short term or long term help I can try. I can't phone my CPN on Monday because it's my first week going back to fortnightly appointments. I can't let her down or make her think I'm attention seeking and want more contact. Soon I won't have contact with her anyway, I'll be transferred to my new CPN. I don't want myself and other people to try to hold me together, I want to be healed. But my brother needs to heal too. There is no hope for us. I'm tired of trying to be strong every day. My brother probably has it worse because of work, his financial situation, and his housing situation. It pains me to think about what he could be experiencing and having to battle with.

Sketchy 19-11-2017 05:59 PM

How are you feeling today?

Did you ask your cpn about being re referred for counselling?

Wish I had the words, but I have read.

one_step_closer 19-11-2017 08:27 PM

Went to lunch with my brother, was ok. Got home and had an idea to look into studying something to be a librarian. I've found out I have enough qualifications and enough money to apply for studying an Msc in Information and Library Studies. I'd rather just be a library assistant than a librarian but maybe I should apply. It's not fair on my brother though, I've had my shot at a masters so I should probably fund him. I don't even know if I could cope with another year of studying, and studying something new. I'd have to sort out my sleep. I don't know if I'd be allowed to stay on benefits. I'd have to sort out coping mechanisms so I would be stable enough throughout the course. I'm remembering how much I just didn't turn up to classes during my previous course. If I was to get a place in September I'd have 10 months from now, roughly, to get my sleep and stability sorted. I'd maybe have to request a re-referral to psychology to work on stability. I think I'd like to try but the big problems are that I'll be taking an opportunity from my brother, I may not be able to cope (basic things like getting up on time), it'll take a huge chunk out of my savings. I'm thinking maybe I should apply another year and instead fund my brother for now but I don't know if I'll be able to cope with education further down the line as the 5 years between my undergrad and postgrad made my Msc very hard going. I don't know what to do. It's making me feel hopeless again.

I had an idea to change my laptop wallpaper to say this:



since I am on my laptop a lot and I may look at it when I get to crisis points. Usually I'm too immersed in a crisis point to acknowledge anything though. Will give it a try anyway.

Sketchy 19-11-2017 08:35 PM

That’s a good wallpaper to have on your laptop. Why don’t you talk to your cpn about these plans. It’s also worth taking to someone from citizens advice about benefits etc. I don’t know if they would be able to help. Worth a try. Your cpn may know, or may know who you should speak to.

one_step_closer 19-11-2017 08:41 PM

I will talk to my CPN. It's scary to consider any attempts at moving forward. I'd rather just kill myself to be honest. Everything is too much effort, too much pressure, too much to cope with. I can barely cope with day to day life as it is. I don't know what to do with myself.

Sketchy 19-11-2017 08:57 PM

Just take it step by step. You can get through this, even though it is really hard. Studying again might be a good thing. Talk to your cpn about it. She’ll be able to advise you better.

one_step_closer 19-11-2017 09:11 PM

Thanks. I don't think I can do it. I think I'll just have to stay stuck until I'm forced into work. A lot of me doesn't want to mention it to my CPN now in case she pushes me into applying or doing something else. I'm not sure if now is the right time. I don't know how anyone deals with adult life.

Sketchy 19-11-2017 09:14 PM

You don’t have to do it now. Go at your own pace, but don’t rule it out. Have a think about it. Is part time study an option?

I wonder how people deal with adult life too. I do understand.

one_step_closer 20-11-2017 07:25 PM

The course only runs full time. I have decided against it anyway. I can't even get out of bed in the morning and I struggled so much with my previous course. I'm just almost constantly worried that someone will say to me out of the blue that I have to come off benefits and get a job and I won't be able to cope. I can't relax and let myself heal and work through things because I don't think I will be allowed to continue to go at my own pace. All I really want right now is to get back into the pattern of getting out of bed at a decent time every morning. Just that basic thing. I think I went backwards when I realised that I could get the alarm to stop without having to do the puzzles and take a photo of a barcode downstairs by deleting the app when the alarm sounds. When I was persevering and was managing to stay up most of the time. You can change what the voice on the alarm says and I keep trying to change it to things that will remind me I'll feel better if I get up but often I am awake before it goes off and decide to turn it off before it starts. I'm so lazy. I know that staying in bed isn't good for me yet I can't push past the tiredness. I took it for granted when I was managing to get up every day in the morning for that month or so. I knew it wouldn't last. It wasn't a change in my habits it was just a short break from them. Hate myself.

Sketchy 20-11-2017 07:30 PM

Why don’t you talk about this to your cpn, because maybe she can help you set attainable goals and get back into a routine. I do appreciate how hard it is, because I’m going through it myself.

As for the course, it will still be there in the future. Maybe at some point you will be ready, but in the meantime focus on the now.

nonperson 20-11-2017 07:35 PM

Could you maybe volunteer at a local library to get some experience? Might be a way in without needing qualifications.

one_step_closer 20-11-2017 07:35 PM

Thanks. I'm still seeing both my current/previous CPN and my new CPN at the same time. My new CPN basically just told me to just get on with it and get out of bed which I found a bit harsh and not helpful. I don't want to have to change CPN. I don't even know what goals to have apart from getting out of bed. I really need to sort that out anyway but I've been like this for years. I am doing better as I used to spend more than 36 hours in bed at times and I am so hugely relieved that I'm not there any more although there are often times when I feel like I could just do that. It makes me so suicidal. I can't enjoy the time I have out of bed because it's too late to really do much and then I usually go to bed at the same early time no matter how late I get up so I'm worrying about bed time coming up and having to face trying to get out of bed again. It's really stressful. My brother tells me that it's just sleep and I shouldn't be hard on myself, one of my friends tells me maybe I just need more rest than other people, but it's more than those things for me. It's disabling me and scaring me and upsetting me and making me want to end my life which might sound a bit over the top but that's how it affects me.

one_step_closer 20-11-2017 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonperson (Post 4143109)
Could you maybe volunteer at a local library to get some experience? Might be a way in without needing qualifications.

Sorry, we must have been posting at the same time. None of my local libraries offer volunteering. I used to volunteer at a women's library but it wasn't like a library really. I just want to be dealing with books and library things etc but the women's library was more about research and projects and stuff. Plus it was a long journey to get there and I often didn't make it.

nonperson 20-11-2017 07:41 PM

Ah that's a shame. Is there something similar to a library that would offer you the same thing? Can't think of anything off the top of my head but might be worth some research. Don't give up. =)

Sketchy 20-11-2017 07:42 PM

Are there any oxfam book shops where you are? They might want a volunteer, even just for a couple of hours or so.

I understand what you mean and how difficult it is. That wasn’t very helpful of your cpn. I know only too well that it’s not as easy as that.

sherlock holmes 20-11-2017 09:03 PM

Do you have to get up in the morning to feed your cats? Maybe dont give as much food over night so you have to get up, go downstairs and feed them.

one_step_closer 20-11-2017 09:31 PM

There are no charity shops that solely sell books near me but I have tried working in a charity shop before and it wasn't for me I don't think.

I feed my cats as soon as I'm up and dressed. I'm pretty horrible because I just feed them whenever I get up, it's not a consistent time other than their two later feeds are always at the same times. They don't complain much and even when I'm in bed well into the afternoon and they start moaning at me from outside my bedroom I feel too tired to force myself to get up. It would maybe be different if I allowed them into my bedroom but when I've tried before they just kept me up all night.

sherlock holmes 21-11-2017 10:37 AM

Is there any way you can make your bedroom feel boring to be in, and downstairs more attractive so it will make you want to get up? Like say for example banning all electronics, books, music, anything stimulating/entertaining from your bedroom so literally all you do in there is sleep. And in the morning when you want to go online, watch tv etc you will have to go to a different part of the house to do it.

one_step_closer 21-11-2017 03:43 PM

The only thing I do in my bedroom is lie in bed for ages trying to sleep, and sleep. Do everything else downstairs. It's just the tiredness that gets to me. I'm pretty pathetic when it comes to dealing with feeling tired. I've tried drinking Berocca before but that didn't help and I don't like coffee. I set my alarm for 8.10am today because I can get up at that time in hospital but I changed it a couple of times and eventually got up at about 10 because I wanted to go into Glasgow. It doesn't work all the time having plans, I often just stay in bed because I'm so tired even when there's something I want to do or even something I have to do. I don't even think that if I slept better through the night I'd get up earlier because when I have a good sleep (rarely) I still end up lying in bed for ages. It's likely just self discipline I need.

one_step_closer 21-11-2017 07:12 PM

I don't have anyone who would be able to text/phone me. And when people do I'm good at just ignoring it. When I was getting support in 2012 from someone coming to my house in the morning after I had been discharged from hospital I sometimes didn't even answer the door. I really hate myself. I should just push myself like everyone who has a job that starts early does.

I'm having to visit my friend tomorrow who has been admitted to the psych ward I usually go to. Really not looking forward to it. It's not nice being there as an inpatient but I find it worse visiting. I think we're maybe going to meet over at the main hospital though.

My mood has been yo yo-ing a bit more frequently than usual today, I think. Going from feeling ok to feeling hopeless and back again. When I feel ok I'm worrying a lot about that feeling ending but when I feel bad I think the bad feeling is never going to stop. I feel very alone and lacking in support right now. I know that seeing my CPN once a fortnight is more than a lot of people have but it doesn't feel like enough to get me through, especially since I don't have family support. I don't know how anyone copes on their own. I'm tired of worrying what the near future and the far away future are going to bring. I think it's important that I end my life.

one_step_closer 21-11-2017 07:44 PM

Wish there was a way to access support at this time of night without having to make a phone call. Feeling so crap and don't want to continue with this life any more. I'm sick of everything coming back to this after very small periods of respite. I need a new way to self harm because I can't do anything to the extent I want to any more. Everything inside me is dying anyway. I am dead. I am nothing. I don't want to exist.

Sketchy 21-11-2017 07:56 PM

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I don’t have the words at the moment. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness.

one_step_closer 21-11-2017 08:10 PM

Thank you.

I do not know what to do. I'm reminding myself that this will pass but it's hard being stuck in this moment for now. It will pass but it will come back and come back and come back. I need to make it stop for good. I don't want to have to try and cope any more. I need to find a way to trigger myself to dissociate a lot and then I can forget about reality and get on with killing whatever part of me exists. This really hurts. I can't keep going on this way.

Sketchy 22-11-2017 04:43 PM

How are you feeling today?

Stellata 22-11-2017 05:50 PM

Thinking of you.

You know you can always FB message me. I log in most evenings.

one_step_closer 22-11-2017 07:31 PM

Thank you both.

Someone was online at IMAlive last night so I managed to talk to them for a bit which helped a little. It's hard feeling like I have to just keep getting through the bad times and there's no way to make them stop for good or at least for a good length of time. I told the person last night that I'd think about phoning my CPN today but I didn't because I know she can't offer me anything. I think from now on I'm going to have to jump through hoops to get an admission to hospital when I feel like I need it and that worries me because I can't deal with the pressure. I can't go into hospital for at least another month anyway because my friend is in for about a month and I'd have to be on the same ward and it would be extra stressful. I can probably keep myself safe anyway, every suicide method I have come across isn't guaranteed to work and I need that guarantee. I just don't want to have to face up to having to continue to live like this, in emotional agony most of the time and having no way to stop it.

I didn't visit my friend today because she said she might have an appointment. I'll need to visit her soon though because she needs some washing done and I know how important visits are when someone is in hospital. I need to try hard to get up tomorrow morning and go to the gym group in the afternoon. I want to be able to say that I have sorted out my sleeping pattern and put it behind me again. It's so much to have to start the day with a struggle to get out of bed, it ruins everything. I'm sick of mentioning that I don't get out of bed until the afternoon. I don't want my getting out of bed routine to be anything that needs to be mentioned any more because it is sorted. But this is years of habit. The month or so that I was getting up in the morning was more like a 'blip' of course it wouldn't last.

Sketchy 22-11-2017 07:52 PM

What about gradually decreasing your time in bed. Doing it really slowly, so there is no pressure. I am aware how hard this is.

It’s nice that you are seeing your friend in hospital. I hope you can be nice to yourself too.

Would phoning your cpn be such a bad idea? What’s the worst that could happen? There may be something they can do to help.

one_step_closer 22-11-2017 09:09 PM

Thanks. I want to cut quite a bit off my time in bed at first, because if I'm getting up at say 1.30pm I don't want to then get up five minutes earlier and keep doing that because there might be a day where I would have been able to get up earlier. I started with 10.08am when I started using Freaky Alarm and then moved it forward gradually. I think I managed to stay up mostly because I persevered with the puzzles and taking a photo of a book barcode downstairs but now I know I can just delete the app to make the alarm go off without having to do the puzzles and I can't find the willpower to force myself back into using it properly. At the time when I'm trying to get up I usually feel a combination of being really tired and also feeling like it will be ok to stay in bed for a bit longer but then that bit longer turns into a lot longer.

I don't think I should phone my CPN since I have an appointment next Wednesday anyway and during the hours my CPN is working I will probably be settled enough not to need crisis support. Plus we've just started going back to fortnightly appointments after the appointments being weekly for 3 weeks so I have to be independent and not seem too reliant on everyone for support I don't deserve. They want me to be responsible for myself, that word was thrown at me a lot when I was in hospital. It upsets me because when people say 'you're responsible for your safety, etc' it makes me feel like they think I'm not taking responsibility when I am. I just need some help carrying the burden sometimes.

Sketchy 23-11-2017 12:48 AM

You do deserve support, and it’s ok to ask for it.

I’ve also been told the whole taking responsibility thing, and it is frustrating. I wanted to scream when they said that. It’s ok to need help.


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