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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 11:09 AM

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

Lots of things happened last night and I ended up being taken to A&E by the police. Everything felt a lot more unreal than it usually does and I still feel that way now. I'm wondering if I actually killed myself last night and I'm now living in some kind of in between place. The assessment team at A&E were going to admit me but I was adamant that it wouldn't help and I was so worn out with all my emotions and the waiting in A&E that I told them I would just go home to bed and phone my CPN this morning. The police didn't think I should be going home but I said I'd think about hospital and talk it through with my CPN but I don't think being admitted will do anything for me right now. When I phoned my CPN she hadn't started work yet so I'm waiting on her phoning me back. I can't think of any thing or anyone who can help me, not even one thing or one person. I've had enough of fighting. All I can see in the future is things getting worse and in the here and now I can't deal with my emotional pain. I am hurting so, so much,

Sketchy 24-10-2017 11:14 AM

I am so sorry and sorry you are hurting so much. Well done on phoning your cpn. I hope she phones back soon. I hope she can come up with a plan to help you. Keep fighting, because things can change. We have to hope at times like this, even if it feels so hopeless at the time. You are probably sick of me saying that sorry, but we need to hold onto hope.

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 11:51 AM

Thank you. I always used to say to myself, and others, that there is always hope even if you can't see it, but I'm doubting the truth of that right now.

sherlock holmes 24-10-2017 12:00 PM

Sorry to hear things got worse.

Why don't you feel like an admission would help? A few days ago you were considering it. As your level of risk has worsened and it seems you are more unwell (in the sense that you feel like things are unreal and you are very suicidal) I think it's even more so important that you get admitted now. I worry that the reason you don't want to get admitted is so you can kill yourself without anyone bothering you.

I hope you can speak to your CPN soon.

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 02:06 PM

Thanks Sarah.

To be honest I really just can't be bothered with the restrictions of hospital - lack of sleep and boredom. My CPN phoned and asked if I think an admission would help and I said that I can see that if I was still seeing my psychologist he would advise me to be admitted at this point but I don't want to go in. My CPN said remember it's an option and if things get worse I should phone someone. (Lol I nearly wrote if things get worse I should kill myself). I'm too self centred to put up with a bit of restriction in hospital to be safe, I never do anything in life that causes me to push myself with things. And also I don't want my brother worrying about me which he would do if I had to be admitted. I can acknowledge that people would think that being in hospital and worrying my brother is better than being dead and bereaving him but I'm not so sure about that.

I'm worried that my CPN thinks I deliberately went to hospital, well I did, but I only went voluntarily because the police said it was either go voluntarily or be detained and I was with it enough to know what I should go off my own back. My CPN, and psychiatrist probably, will think I should have just asked them to go into hospital rather than ending up in A&E because they want me to stay away from A&E but I 100% did not think I'd end up in A&E last night.

I'm just getting on with things as I always to because hey, it's just Lindsay (said by my previous CPN when my support worker phoned her worried that I was suicidal), and Lindsay can attempt suicide one night and then get back to faking normality the next day. Massive suicidal feelings are not considered traumatic when Lindsay has them and she is just expected to carry on like nothing happened. I'm probably safe anyway. I can say that in this moment I'm safe. In the next moment, I don't know, but I don't know if I'll be able to phone anyone if things get worse. I phoned the voluntary crisis team last night but wasn't planning on speaking but my support worker answered and I was about to hang up but decided I'd speak to him since I know him. Most nights I don't know the people on crisis. I can't keep going on like this. This is not a life and nothing I add to it will change things for the better. Soon I will be forced into work and I will feel worse. There's no one forcing me to have a relationship or children so I'll skip them because who would even like me anyway?

Sorry this turned into a rant. Just feeling absolutely crap.

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 03:14 PM

Thanks Camden. The thing is, although I am safe at this moment it is a painful moment to be in so I don't want to be focusing on it. I'm tired of trying to distract myself too. I can't win with myself. I should get the hell off this earth and leave my brother with bad memories rather than having a future to create more bad memories for him.

Sketchy 24-10-2017 03:58 PM

You should stay on this earth, because it is a better place for having you in it.
Keep trying your distractions, play with your cats etc. This will pass.

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 04:58 PM

Thank you. Everything is too big to be distracted from, I'm just breathing and I don't even want to breathe. My cats either sleep or walk all over my laptop because they want food, it feels like I need to obey the rule of not moving when a cat is sleeping on your lap though and that simple thing stops me from acting on impulses at times. I can appreciate that it's likely this will pass but then it will come again and again in the future. There aren't enough good times to make the bad ones bearable. Every second right now is agonising.

Sketchy 24-10-2017 05:07 PM

Try to focus on the now and getting through this just now. Your cats sound excellent and a good way of keeping you safe. I know everything seems too big to be distracted from, but is there anything that you can do, no matter how small that brings you some relief or joy? Like a favourite program or music? Or even just playing with your cats. You said before you write. Do you ever write fiction or poetry? I find that helps me sometimes.

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 06:36 PM

Absolutely nothing is helping right now. At the best of times I can't be bothered watching TV or reading because I just want to get to the end of the programme or the book. I don't have enough of an imagination to write fiction and I can't focus enough to write poetry but I have written in my diary for today. I'm feeling the physical effects on anxiety yet at the same time I feel further away than usual, like I've moved right to the back of my head and I'm watching everything from a distance. Dissociation doesn't ever relieve me of emotional pain it just makes me feel like I don't exist other than being a bundle of negative emotions.

I kind of want to try phoning the crisis team tonight but I don't want to end up with them saying I have to be assessed in A&E again. I'm also tempted to go to the place where I was last night and go through with my suicide plan before anyone notices me. The darkness used to make me a bit safer because I wouldn't go out in it but now it provides cover. I'll end up getting an ulcer or something because of stress and dying early anyway. The fact that I am lonely is cutting years off my life so even if I got to a better place I'd have less years to enjoy being in that good place. I really need help but I don't believe that anyone can help me. I don't know what to do any more.

Sketchy 24-10-2017 06:39 PM

Please try phone crisis. Even if they suggest a&e it’s important to reach out and keep safe. Do you think you could give it a try? Sounds like part of you wants to.

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 07:43 PM

I don't know what to do. I can't deal with A&E tonight, don't know if I can find the courage to phone the crisis team either. I was just thinking that I'd rather end up in hospital by plan and partly my choice than end up being forced in. That way I'd have time to sort out getting my cats to the cattery. But I don't know if I will end up in hospital this time round, I know no one can predict the future. My brother is anxious enough as it is and I don't want to burden him with the anxiety of me being in hospital. I just do not know how to decide what is for the best. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the suicidal impulses and emotional pain I'm feeling. It feels very logical to kill myself asap but I also know that I'm supposed to try and get help when I feel this way. If I was more confident at talking on the phone I might be able to get a professional opinion from the crisis team.

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 08:35 PM

I'm not real. Posting here because I feel so disconnected and unsafe. I know part of me must be real if I can post here. Don't know what to do. None of this is real. I am a viewer of imagination. I am a ball of negative emotions and evil, nothing else. Very far away.

Sketchy 24-10-2017 08:41 PM

This sounds very distressing. I’m so sorry.

Do you think you can try phoning crisis? I know phone calls are really hard, but it sounds like now is a time to reach out for support.

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 08:43 PM

Thank you for replying. I'm sitting here crying and shaking. Just cannot take this any more. It's best for everyone for me to die. Everyone has to die eventually anyway. I should try phoning the crisis team, I know.

Sketchy 24-10-2017 08:47 PM

It’s not best you die. That would be an awful thing. You are a valuable person and are needed here, so that is why you need to stay safe. What would help you phone crisis?

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 09:09 PM

I managed to phone crisis and was lucky again tonight to get through to someone I know. She thinks I should get in touch with the cattery lady tomorrow and see when she can pick the cats up and see if I can be admitted to hospital. She made me promise that I will phone NHS 24 or 999 if I can't get through the night. She's on again tomorrow night and asked me to phone and let her know how I am. I felt a brief bit of relief but I know the intense emotions will peak again very soon. Right now I should be taking time away from electronics to get ready for going to bed but I feel like I need this contact.

Sketchy 24-10-2017 09:13 PM

Well done. That was so brave of you. I’m glad she gave you some good advice. Remember to use it and reach out if you need to. I’ll listen too.

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 09:16 PM

Thank you. I will try and do some reading now before bed. I don't sleep well but usually I can force myself to stay in bed where it's safe. Last night I was close to getting up to hurt myself but maybe tonight I will sleep better because I didn't get much sleep last night.

Sketchy 24-10-2017 09:19 PM

Reading is a good plan. Hopefully you will sleep well, especially since you are needing to catch up on sleep.

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 10:44 PM

Having to stay up because my brother text and he's having a hard time so I'm trying to support him. Going to be putting a lot more on his plate soon. :sad: Brought my laptop up to my bedroom to try and stay occupied. Need to stay in bed and don't leave the house to do anything dangerous.

one_step_closer 25-10-2017 10:35 AM

Just posting now in case I'm not able to later. I'm waiting on my CPN getting back to me to let me know if my psychiatrist agrees to admit me to hospital and if there is a bed. Won't be able to post if I am admitted because it's difficult to access RYL on my phone. Thanks everyone for your support.

one_step_closer 25-10-2017 11:45 AM

There are no beds so I've to see the extended hours team and the crisis team.

sherlock holmes 25-10-2017 12:03 PM

How do you feel about that? I'm really glad you reached out for support. I hope you can stay safe and that the extended hours and crisis team can help you get through this patch. If a bed comes up will they admit you?

one_step_closer 25-10-2017 04:15 PM

Thank you. I'm fine to go along with anything that I'm told to do because I feel like I don't exist anyway. I feel like the part of me that is in this body is right at the back of the head looking on but I still have some control. Went to see extended hours and probably shouldn't have driven there, don't think I'll be driving tomorrow. Feeling too unreal to be controlling a car safely. Extended hours said there is a shortage of beds and they don't think I need to be admitted anyway because I'm still functioning but they're leaving it up to my CPN who I'm seeing on Friday. Turns out my CPN is also moving area so I won't be seeing her for much longer. I've to see extended hours again tomorrow and one of the CPNs who is on tomorrow is the one I should be getting transferred to so I'll get to meet her. I really hope she's not judgemental, that's the main thing I look for in professionals.

My support worker is on the crisis team tonight and is going to phone me at some point between 5 and 7 and let me know if they have time to come and see me and if not he'll speak to me on the phone. It stresses me out having phone contact but I'm grateful for any support that I'm offered. I keep getting to unsafe points where I'm convinced I exist so little that I will easily be able to kill myself. The good thing about if I was in hospital would be that I would be safer during those points, it's hard at home because I very rarely feel able to make phone calls. There's no point in this anyway because everything is absolutely hopeless. This is a recurring theme in my life and it's not going to stop until I kill myself. I'm just a thought in someones head who has become a partial physical being and I can very easily be extinguished. I can probably fight through these difficult emotions but the thing is I really don't want to.

Sketchy 25-10-2017 05:02 PM

*hugs* I’m glad crisis are planning on helping you and you are getting help from your cpn and will be seeing another cpn. Keep talking to them. Tell them what you have told us. I’m sorry there are no beds, but I hope you get all the support you need at home.

one_step_closer 25-10-2017 06:27 PM

Thanks. I think people think I'm ok because I said I was going to meet my brother tomorrow. The truth is that plans feel like back up plans to be made 'in case I am alive.' The main plan is to die, I just feel a bit too far away to do much about it in this moment but I know the urges will intensify. I can most likely get through this time but I really, really, do not want to. I just want to die.

discodevilx 25-10-2017 11:58 PM

Is there anything you can do to keep yourself safe? Do you ever email the Samaritans?i appreciate sometimes the responses can be dodgy but sometimes they help just until crisis calls. Sometimes i write a really long email to take up time as a distraction technique although they give short replies . Do you draw? I don’t know if distractions work but hopefully you can speak to the cpn or support workers and maybe they can get a bed. Is it possible to get a bed out of the area if necessary? Big hugs you are my hero

one_step_closer 26-10-2017 10:25 AM

Thank you. The crisis team came last night to make a plan for when I've to get phone calls so they will be phoning me for the next 4 evenings and then I've to phone them for the following 3 evenings. It helped a bit while they were here but that was because it was face to face, calls are a bit less useful. I'm grateful for the support anyway. My support worker said that my CPN didn't look for a bed out of area because she thinks it would be unhelpful to be admitted to a different hospital. Every time I email the Samaritans now I don't get a reply. It's useful posting here though.

Sketchy 26-10-2017 05:43 PM

I’m glad the crisis team are helping you, although I understand that phone calls are hard.

Keep talking to us and your team. You will get through this.

one_step_closer 26-10-2017 05:52 PM

Thanks. It seems pointless trying to get through this only to face it again and again. I saw the extended hours team this afternoon and the CPN who I might be getting supported by was there but she didn't say anything really, the other CPN did all the talking. So I didn't get much of an idea what she'll be like. I went to see my brother after my appointment, when we were saying goodbye I reminded him to seriously think about seeing his GP again or at least talking to me and he said sarcastically but not friendly sarcastically "you're amazing and I need you for everything." It was very hurtful but I didn't say anything. He must think I'm a horrible human being who thinks she is better and more important than is actually the case. I know I'm far from amazing, I'm not even worthwhile. If I end up in a place where I don't feel like I can keep myself safe I'm not even sure if I'll try to stay safe or get in touch with anyone. I really have no value whatsoever. The crisis team are phoning me at some point between 6 and 6.30 so I will try to be honest with them anyway.

Sketchy 26-10-2017 06:01 PM

I hope you can be honest with crisis.

Maybe your brother was having a bad day, not that that excuses that, but try not to take it personally. I doubt he thinks you are horrible. You are a kind person who always thinks of others. Be kind to yourself too.

one_step_closer 26-10-2017 06:13 PM

I know he was having a bad day, he has a lot of bad days. I'm not strong enough to help him with his pain but he won't let me anyway. I said I would come with him to his GP if he wanted but just wait in the waiting area if he didn't want me to come in and he said that would make things worse and that he can go to his GP himself. He's not getting help because he's comparing himself to me and thinking that at least he's not seriously messed up so he thinks he doesn't need to get help. I am destroying everything for him. I really wish we had alive and healthy and happy parents who were capable of supporting us because I'm no use.

Sketchy 26-10-2017 06:18 PM

You are doing the best you can and that’s all you can do. It really shows how much you care for him. You aren’t destroying everything for him. His mental health problems are not your fault.

I’m sorry you are feeling that way and I understand how distressing it must be. Please try to be kind to yourself, because you deserve to have kindness.

one_step_closer 26-10-2017 06:24 PM

Thank you. I'm feeling very selfish and wanting to just remove myself from his life and from life in general. I can't even hurt myself enough to feel like I'm at least punishing myself. I can't keep going on like this. I'm still feeling a bit unreal and I was having to be very careful about what I was saying to my brother because I felt like I'd just say something worrying without thinking how it would affect him because I'm not entirely sure if this is really happening right now or if I'm just a thought in someones head or something. I'm telling myself that it's most likely that I'm dissociating but I feel so unreal that it might be true that I am a thought or something. If I'm not real then it should be easy to delete me and my actions can't affect anyone. When I get really sucked into that mindset I become very unsafe.

Sketchy 26-10-2017 06:26 PM

Do you think you can tell crisis when they phone what you have said here? Sounds like you need both support and reassurance.

one_step_closer 26-10-2017 06:29 PM

I will try. I think I'm likely to forget the main points and I feel a bit weird writing something to prompt myself what to say over the phone. I usually write things and give it to someone face to face. It's probably best I write a couple of pointers to remind myself though. Thanks.

discodevilx 27-10-2017 12:44 AM

Maybe if you can even read the contents of your posts to the cpn? Does that help? Writing things down, even bullet points, can be really helpful. If you are disassociating there is a good website I visit carolynspring.co.uk does and amazing blog and she also has a brilliant website with helpful advice and information. I appreciate the struggle with disassociation but remember it’s a way your brain worked to help you to survive.

What did you do today? Have you seen your brother? Have you been out x

sherlock holmes 27-10-2017 11:47 AM

I'm hoping you're okay, and that you havent posted because you're in hospital or something that the crisis team set up for you when you spoke to them yesterday.

My brother can speak to me in hurtful ways sometimes, but I know he still loves me deep down. We don't say it to each other and never have because we're not like that, but I do care about him and he cares about me. My brother recently developed his own mental health issues, and I cant imagine what it was like for him. Maybe he worried it would get as bad as mine, maybe he didnt want to get help because it wasn't as bad as mine. I tried to help him and offer advice but it wasnt always welcomed. At times he could get ratty with me, but I think that's because he was trying to figure out what was happening for him and he didnt know what to do with my advice. In the end I figured out that it was better to let him approach me for advice if he wanted it, and our relationship got better again.

He's doing better now. He did see his GP and get some antidepressants and he changed jobs and stuff and he is getting there. It's not your responsibility to make your brother better. Yes you're family and you care about him, but he is also an adult with his own life. And maybe he did feel a bit like you were trying to tell him what to do (even though I know you were just being caring). So maybe if you did back off a little he would in the future decide to speak to you for advice on his own terms? But you being alive isn't making your brother worse. You being dead would make him feel absolutely awful, far far worse than any worry about you being in hospital.

I hope you're doing okay.

one_step_closer 27-10-2017 03:47 PM

Thank you both. I text my brother last night because I had thought of a metaphor to illustrate why he should still get help even though he's not as messed up as me. After he replied I told him what I meant by he could talk to me and that I wasn't thinking I'm some great person and he said he was joking and I over analyse things. He said he's used to doing things on his own and he prefers to.

I saw my current CPN and my soon to be CPN today. They're going to jointly support me for a while before I'm transferred to the other CPN. I'm quite sad that I'm having to change CPN. She's the person I feel most comfortable with in my treatment team. My 'new' CPN spoke a bit more than yesterday and she seems ok but most people are initially ok with me and then they start to hate me. My CPN didn't mention hospital, she thinks I'll do ok with continued phone calls from the crisis team. I've not to get support from the extended hours team any more because from now on that would be phone calls too and it's stressful enough waiting for a phone call from the crisis team.

I don't want to continue this battle. Things still feel quite unreal and I'm hoping I will be able to stop being cautious just in case things are actually real (meaning I am being careful with what I say and do in some ways in case I am real enough to affect people) and get on with the process of removing whatever form of me partially exists in the world.

sherlock holmes 27-10-2017 05:01 PM

I take it you have a suicide plan and you intend on doing it? That is not good. Please ring crisis and tell them about this. It sounds like now is the exact time you need to be in hospital. You will come out of this and feel better.

one_step_closer 27-10-2017 06:05 PM

Thanks. I'm mostly feeling like it's easy to take risks because I don't fully exist but I am trying to be careful around people in case I exist more than I think I do. I'm tempted to test things out and do something serious but I think at the moment I have some control. I'm just worried that that control will lessen at some point and that it will happen suddenly and I'll act on impulse because I don't fully exist so I can destroy myself without it affecting other people. I said something like that to my CPN and she asked if I had worked on techniques to cope with dissociation when I was seeing my psychologist. I said no but now I remember we did some grounding thing, dropping an anchor, but it didn't help. I'm too stuck inside this body's head for the feeling on the body's feet on the floor to reach me. My CPN said she's happy with me getting phone calls from the crisis team and that they will phone extended hours if they are concerned about me over the weekend. I don't actually think they would do that if they were concerned and at no point can I take myself to A&E because that is wrong in the eyes of my CPN and psychiatrist.

Sketchy 27-10-2017 07:03 PM

This all sounds very distressing. Do you think you can talk to crisis about it?
I think you should tell someone, to keep you safe.

one_step_closer 27-10-2017 07:17 PM

Thanks for your reply. I told crisis, I don't think the person I spoke to was really happy with how safe I may be but I told her that I had told my CPN how I'm feeling and she didn't seem concerned. The crisis person said she would update extended hours but they aren't working until tomorrow and I'm quite sure nothing additional will be added to help me stay safe. I probably don't need any additional support anyway. The only thing is I can't predict how safe I'm going to be because the concept of me being real seems quite small right now, maybe too small to hold on to and believe. My distress can suddenly become more intense and I act on impulse. It feels like it would be so easy to go and take risks. I don't know if RYL is even real. I feel like I have some control but I'm worried that I am actually trapped inside the head of the body and the program is running making it look like I have control but my actions are all automatic, so I'm in the head screaming to get out but even I can't hear myself. Sorry if that doesn't explain things well. I just feel very confused.

Sketchy 27-10-2017 07:25 PM

I’m glad you told crisis. Keep talking to them and keep them updated. It’s what they are there for, to help you in times like this.
You spoke of grounding techniques. Do you know any others? Maybe you could search the forums to see if anyone has posted about grounding techniques, or start a thread asking for some. Maybe that’s something you can talk to your cpn about.

discodevilx 28-10-2017 12:43 AM

Hey Lindsay, you are real and I know those feelings of disassociation. Try grounding yourself can you put bare feet on the ground? Or look out the window and describe the trees or view to yourself. Itís about making yourself in the present. Maybe telephoning crisis is a good thing to do and chat to them. You deserve to be here and you deserve the help x

one_step_closer 28-10-2017 06:51 PM

Thank you both. I went out with one of my friends today, it was quite hard, but luckily we were only going somewhere local for lunch. I came home and watched the Linkin Park and friends concert that took place last night in memory of Chester. It left me with mixed emotions about suicide but my feelings surrounding suicide are mixed most of the time. Someone from crisis phoned but I didn't manage to say much because I didn't know the guy so it made talking on the phone even more stressful. I only sometimes make calls to crisis services when I'm immediately unsafe as an afterthought. I'm supposed to phone someone as early on in a crisis as I can but I don't feel able to do that. I'm trying to keep occupied with things to avoid dwelling too much on the feeling of not being real. I feel so, so, much like I can't predict anything of what is going to happen with regards to my safety right now. Soon I will be expected to come out of this period and get on with things again. I can't deal with even small expectations people have of me. This is too much.

Sketchy 28-10-2017 07:25 PM

Well done on getting out today and seeing your friend. That’s a difficult thing to do when things are so hard. It’s good you are trying to distract yourself too.

When are crisis next getting in contact?

I hope you can keep talking to them. Did you try writing it down first?

one_step_closer 28-10-2017 07:56 PM

Thanks. Crisis should be phoning me again tomorrow evening. I didn't prepare myself for tonight's call because I don't really know what I want to say. I have been faking existence all day and that's it. I'm very tempted to go out and do something dangerous, the darkness seems welcoming right now, but I continue to try, try, try to stay safe just in case I am real to my brother. It's easyish just now to stay at home because I have just washed my hair and it will take time to dry. A simple thing like that keeps me inside. By the time it's dry I will be ready for bed and then I'll have to glue myself to the mattress and not leave my bed to do anything harmful. I'm tired of this fight. I'm fighting for nothing if I don't exist. I don't want any kind of 'normal' future with work and stuff. I have no plans for tomorrow, hopefully I will be able to give in to my thoughts and kill myself, but I probably won't. I am only a floating ball of emotions. I am imagining my existence. I'm so disconnected.

Sketchy 28-10-2017 09:22 PM

Low on words. But I am thinking of you. I hope you can stay safe. Keep reaching out and talking to crisis.

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