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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 26-09-2017 06:38 PM

I have left the loft as it is, I'm ok with it during the day but keep waking up at night terrified that something is happening. My CPN said I seem to be coping with it ok just now but to let someone know if things get worse. I think I need to make an effort to receive communication from the men to find out what's going on but I can't focus very well.

Sketchy 26-09-2017 07:25 PM

It’s good that you’ve been talking to your cpn. Keep posting here too. I wish I could reassure you about what’s going on but maybe you can talk more to your cpn.

discodevilx 27-09-2017 09:43 AM

I got a lot of support from reading these forums before I actually joined last week. I read this and could not reply. You have helped so many other people out on these forums and when I read the professionals had put in your notes you were cold and manipulative I actually laughed! I know I don't know you but I have read for a long time many threads on here and you have responded to people who are desperate- you have done that in a loving and kind way- no manipulation. I don't know what to say but I think it would be good if you could write the equivalent of a diagnosis of bpd from your point of view! Explain exactly what it is like. I also use a charity called rethink they offer an advocacy service who can speak on your behalf. They won't really be able to do that in a crisis but they can put your ahole of a psychiatrist in order. Who the hell do these people think they are. Grrr. Big hugs �� x

one_step_closer 27-09-2017 11:53 AM

Thank you both. I really appreciate what you are saying discodevilx, I don't think I'm a cold person and I'm glad that at least some other people can see that.

Sketchy 27-09-2017 12:37 PM

I think many people can see you are not cold. I agree completely with what discodevilx says.

How are you feeling today?

one_step_closer 27-09-2017 07:23 PM

Thanks. I think I'm feeling a bit lonely but struggling to find the right level of company that I can cope with. I can cope with short periods of support from professionals but I need them to happen more than once a fortnight or even more than once a week. I feel like I shouldn't be needing so much support because I am an adult and everyone else has to take care of themselves. I'm not seeing my CPN next week because I'll be seeing my psychiatrist for a very quick chat and from then on I will be having support from my CPN fortnightly. As for social company I find it hard to be with people for longer than about 3 hours and I'm having to spend most of the day with one of my friends on Friday. I'm really missing my psychologist. I don't know how to get by on my own although I seem to be doing mostly ok.

Sketchy 27-09-2017 11:18 PM

I know what you mean. I get lonely, but also get overwhelmed when I’m socialising too. It’s a difficult one.

There is nothing wrong with needing support. Many adults need it. I have the support of my psych and OT, but that doesn’t make me less of an adult, just someone who is struggling and needs help. Everyone needs help at some point.

discodevilx 27-09-2017 11:46 PM

I think everyone needs support especially when we feel unwell. I make no distinction between a broken leg or a breakdown. Once a fortnight is inadequate help as it would be for someone's whose legs are broken. My mental health is more demanding than a broken leg sometimes and I think we would all accept physical injury needs care well same with mental illness and health. It's the stigma attached to it but you need support now and are deserving of it. Try not to feel like you should not have the help. You should. Do chat forums or rooms work where you can leave when you have had enough?

one_step_closer 28-09-2017 11:14 AM

Thank you both. When I was seeing an OT she used to think I just wanted people to take care of me and couldn't understand why I felt like I needed so much support as I am an adult and should look after myself. I think that's partly why I feel like I don't deserve support because I have explicitly been told that I shouldn't need it. Plus my brother doesn't have any support. I ended up in hospital a lot last year and this year because my previous CPN kept cancelling appointments etc and said there was no clinical need to see me even once a fortnight. Even my neighbour recognises that I was doing better when I had more support. The support I have now is much better than it was with my previous CPN anyway and I am hugely grateful for that.

I don't like chat rooms but I do like being on these forums, it's easier for me to express things and support people through writing than it is face to face. I just struggle to get the right balance of face to face contact.

discodevilx 28-09-2017 11:58 AM

I would like to think those days of judgement are over but clearly they're not and I have experienced them myself. I like to think it's a dying breed of people and I also partly think it is because Services are so stretched to the limits. That is no excuse either and its disgusting. However there may be some advocacy services that can help when you are not happy have you thought of using one of those when you are not happy with the treatment and services x

one_step_closer 28-09-2017 08:50 PM

Advocacy has been suggested to me many times but I'm so worried about how I might be judged by the people involved in my treatment. I'm convinced if I was to use advocacy my treatment team would think I was ungrateful for their support and that I was demanding something more than I deserve. My treatment team has changed a lot over the past year and I'm definitely happier with the people involved now, so I'm holding on to the fact that I know it could be worse. Not that it's really bad as it is anyway.

discodevilx 28-09-2017 11:14 PM

I totally understand what you are saying but advocacy will not do anything without your consent. Even if you meet with them without commitment? It's maybe a possibility? X

one_step_closer 04-10-2017 04:20 PM

I'd feel like I'd have to tell people involved in my treatment that I was seeing an advocate and then they'd have lots more reasons to judge me negatively. The support I'm getting is ok at the minute anyway.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Friday and I really don't know what I'm going to say to him. I'm particularly worried that he won't believe me if I say things are difficult because right after my appointment I'll be going to the gym with a support assistant so he'll maybe say that if I can do that everything must be ok. I also don't know what to say about hospital, if he mentions it, I've only had one planned admission so I'm still unsure about when I should really go into hospital. I keep changing my mind about if I will say I think I need to go in or not (if I'm asked, I'm not going to suggest it if he doesn't mention it). I don't know what's for the best. I'm sick of trying to get through this meaningless life.

Sketchy 04-10-2017 07:27 PM

Why don’t you try writing it down first? Plan out what you want to say, or maybe go over your posts here and take note.

Just because you go to the gym does not mean you are ok. I’m unfit to work at the moment, but I’m going to the cinema tomorrow. It doesn’t mean I’m ok. Going to the gym is something that can be therapeutic and it’s important you do these things. It doesn’t mean you are ok.

I hope your appointment goes well. Good luck.

one_step_closer 05-10-2017 11:06 AM

Thanks. I'm planning to try and write something but that's another thing I keep changing my mind about. I don't know what it's important for my psychiatrist to know. Life is just going to get worse, I can't see anything that could change for the better. I miss my psychologist.

one_step_closer 05-10-2017 05:52 PM

I can't write anything. I have nothing to say. My CPN wanted me to talk to my psychiatrist about the men in the loft and said she'd mention it to him before my appointment but there's no point in saying anything because for one I don't think the men have a great deal to do with my mental health problems and I'm sure that no one can hurt me physically except myself so I'm not too anxious about them being in the loft as long as I don't see them. I'm just going to have to hope the questions he asks allow me to explain things.

Sketchy 05-10-2017 11:34 PM

I don’t have any useful advice, but I hope your appointment goes well and you get the support you need. Take care.

sherlock holmes 08-10-2017 03:23 PM

How did it go?

one_step_closer 08-10-2017 04:37 PM

Thanks for asking. My psychiatrist was a bit patronising as he always is but not as much as usual. He's pleased with how I'm doing. He said that getting out of bed every morning is not really an achievement which I 100% get where he is coming from but it was quite disheartening because I compare the things I do to the things 'normal' people do anyway. With the hospital issue all he said was something like it's there in a crisis but only for a few days. It's just hard for me to know when to go in because if I don't go in during the early stages of a crisis and end up admitted due to an overdose or suicide attempt I will be right in the thick of the distress and it's likely that I will still only be allowed a few days in hospital and may then still be very unsafe when I'm discharged. My psychologist helped me to realise the last time I went in that it was a good time to try it but I don't see him any more and my CPN seems to be quite a bit against admission if I'm not in a huge distressed state. I'm ok at home for now anyway. I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow but don't know what I'll say.

Sorry for the huge update!

Serendipity. 08-10-2017 10:49 PM

I'm glad your psychiatrist was somewhat less patronising than usual! I find psychiatrists as a breed do tend to be quite patronising and tend to lack a sense of humour for some reason, so it's good that he's improving! I completely disagree with what he said about getting out of bed not being an achievement, it absolutely is. When you're struggling with your mental health, doing that can be such a massive effort, and you should be proud of yourself for managing it.

It might be worth discussing the hospital thing with your CPN and trying to come up with a guide for yourself and your team about when hospital should be considered (like, if x and y are happening then you should think about going in). Hopefully you can put your point across about going in before things get too bad.

How are you feeling now?

discodevilx 09-10-2017 12:17 AM

Is there a plan in place where you think ok if a, b and c happens then I need admitting to hospital? I wonder what the psychologist saw that knew was right and if the cpn can have the discussion with them to make the plan for it. However I suppose services talking to each other would be too difficult because they just don't do they �� so frustrating. Do you know what the psychologist saw to think ok hospitals good

one_step_closer 09-10-2017 04:34 PM

Thank you for your replies. I think my previous psychologist is still working with my treatment team about myself in the background, just not seeing me directly. My CPN asked me to think about how things were before I was last in hospital and I concluded that things are getting similar to how they were but they haven't reached a crisis point yet. I want to do my best to avoid hospital anyway since it will mess up my sleeping pattern and is generally boring. My CPN is seeing me in a fortnight and she's off next week but told me to phone the extended hours team if I'm struggling, don't let things get to a crisis point. I wouldn't call extended hours or even my CPN if I was just struggling a bit, I always wait until I'm in a full blown crisis because I'm pretty much struggling a lot of the time and can't just keep phoning people constantly. My mood and safety can change quite frequently so I never know when it's the right time to reach out to someone.

discodevilx 09-10-2017 10:21 PM

It's really hard to know but I think if you are making plans or really struggling then you probably should get in touch with the extended hours team. However, I appreciate that sometimes it's resisting help too (my own experiences) also make it hard. Keep posting though. Sometimes it's shit isn't it x

one_step_closer 18-10-2017 07:16 PM

I don't know what to do. I'm safe but only because I don't have the means/skills/energy/focus to hurt myself badly enough. I'm very suicidal and don't feel able to contact anyone tonight. I was thinking about phoning the extended hours team tomorrow but I don't know if I'll do that because I don't know if they will see this as enough of a crisis to be pestering them.

My brother is having a hard time. Everything must seem so bleak to him right now as he probably feels like no aspect of his life is going well. And here I am with minor issues, it doesn't seem fair. I want him to have a really good life. I'm scared that I have taken the chance of a good life away from him. I made mistakes as a child not knowing they were wrong at the time. I also couldn't give him what he needed when he was growing up because I was having to act like a parent but was only a child myself. I feel incredibly guilty and remorseful.

Life is pointless, for me anyway. I'm not going to have children, no way, and I probably won't get into a loving relationship with anyone. Days just come and go and one day I will be facing up to my death. I want to kill myself right now. I want to overdose at least but I only have X and that was so hard to take the last time. I don't have the 'skills' required to cut myself badly either. All I can do is exist. A poison on earth. I have to kill myself to avoid causing further problems. My death won't hurt my brother but it will leave him with no close family. He'll have my money so that will help him out.

I'm probably just going to have to feel like this. If I phoned the extended hours team I wouldn't know what to say to them and my CPN is off this week so that is who I'd have to talk to. I don't know if this is a point where I should consider asking for a hospital admission because I still really don't understand when I'm in enough of a crisis point but not too much of a crisis point so that it's the 'ideal' time to go in. I don't want to go into hospital and I don't think there are any beds in my usual hospital anyway. Nothing is going to get any better, just worse, and I know that. It hurts me that I can't take some of the pain away from my brother. I hate that he is the only one who can feel his pain and that I can't do anything to lessen it. Nothing I do will touch the surface. I'm terrified that he might feel like me.

Every day I get up and think that soon the day will be over one one day I may be really old and looking back at this day, time flown by. The years are passing really quickly. That probably sounds stupid to be thinking like that when at the same time I'm suicidal. I seriously want out of life right now. Horribly I often find myself wishing that my brother would die to at least get him out of this awful life. I can see that that is problematic thinking because I wouldn't want someone to be wishing me dead because of my struggles but I feel like I can't protect him from anything. I am worthless. I was programmed to take on people's pain yet I give it out more than I take it away.

one_step_closer 19-10-2017 07:02 PM

I'm tempted to go to the bridge tonight or at least just try and walk somewhere unsafe. I wouldn't be able to walk to the bridge, I'd have to take my car. I don't want to be seen there but it's dark and I could hide in the trees until I'm ready to jump. One of my cats is sitting on my lap right now which is preventing me from doing anything so I'm obviously not seriously hurting if I can be stopped moving by a simple thing like that. There is no solution to ease my emotional pain or that of my brother's. I should never have been born, I wasn't supposed to be born alive as my twin died at birth or before birth. I miss my psychologist. I need to talk to someone who cares and doesn't judge me. I have to end my life very soon. I don't want to feel this way over and over again.

Sketchy 19-10-2017 08:32 PM

Are you safe? Could you phone someone for help? Please stay safe. I know things are bad and I do sympathise, but things can change. Can you phone your cpn tomorrow?

one_step_closer 20-10-2017 04:05 PM

My CPN is off this week. I don't see the point in phoning anyone because there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do to help. I can barely make phone calls anyway, especially ones where I'm having to talk for a while. I phoned the crisis team and Breathing Space last night but knew I was just going to wait until I heard someone's voice and then hang up. I wish there were instant messenger type help chats in my area. I don't want to phone extended hours or crisis and for them to arrange for me to have phone calls over the weekend or even visits because it's so stressful knowing I'm waiting on someone getting in touch. The thing I value about hospital is that I can be in a supportive environment but reach out for help only when I feel comfortable doing so. The problem is that I feel very judged by a lot of the staff in my local psych ward and end up in unsafe situations sometimes because I can't approach people.

The past two mornings I have got up and then just went back to bed for a couple more hours and I don't want to be doing that. I'll end up back in my old staying in bed pattern. Life is so absolutely pointless, I don't want this any more. I can't think of anything that I could add to my life that would make it worthwhile. I self harmed last night but very mildly because it just wasn't touching my emotional pain. I feel very hopeless, like I'm just breathing through life and that's all people care about, that I just continue to exist. Nothing makes me feel good. If I could guarantee my death I would attempt suicide right now.

Sketchy 20-10-2017 07:46 PM

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way just now. I wish I had helpful words.
I can understand the thing with phone calls. I hate them too.

Is there anything that has helped before when you’ve felt like this?

one_step_closer 20-10-2017 08:26 PM

Thanks. I know that talking through things can be helpful but as I am wary of people judging me I only trust certain people. The crisis team has nearly all new people since I last phoned them and the extended hours team has some people on it who assessed me in A&E many years ago when I was in and out a lot due to overdoses and feeling suicidal and they tend to judge me negatively. Those are really the only two options I have this weekend other than phoning a helpline and that would mean far too much talking on the phone and trying to explain things. I'm seeing my CPN on Friday and could maybe phone her on Monday but I don't really want to bother her since she will have things to catch up with after being off this week and because it seems unfair to phone her and also have an appointment at the end of the week.

I'd even just settle for self harming the weekend away but I can't push past the pain and I can't swallow enough tablets.

Things just go round in circles of emotional pain.

Sketchy 20-10-2017 08:51 PM

It’s ok to phone your cpn even though you have an appointment. Maybe try phoning her on Monday?

Is there anything you can do in the meantime to get you through this? What about writing things down?

one_step_closer 20-10-2017 09:04 PM

Through the day I convince myself I'm not feeling bad enough to phone anyone and then it gets to this point. My CPN keeps telling me to phone someone before it gets to a crisis point but what if I don't even know how to explain things?

I make time to write every day. It sometimes helps but also sometimes makes me feel worse. I'm meeting up with one of my friends tomorrow but she isn't doing too well so that will probably be extra draining. I'm just tired of trying to find ways to cope with everything.

I'm pretty sure no one can offer me anything that will help anyway so I don't see the point in getting in touch with anyone especially since I may not know what to say.

Sketchy 20-10-2017 09:09 PM

Maybe your cpn will be able to help. I know how hopeless it feels, but it won’t always be like this.

I wish I knew what to suggest, but I have read and I hope things get better for you.

Keep talking here. I’ll listen. I may not always have advice but I will listen.

Zurg 20-10-2017 09:35 PM

I hear you and for what it's worth, i feel the same a lot of the time. I wish i knew what to suggest but if i really did i probably wouldn't be stuck in the same place. But all that aside, i do believe there is hope. Hope is one of those things that are always there even if you can't see it. Like gravity. And atoms.

I think sometimes people lose hope and as such they lose the trust in everyone else and in themselves. The trust that something, or someone, can ease their pain. And then life is not a life anymore but just a wait for death. And everything seems too overwhelming and like too much effort. That is when you ask for an admission. It might provide you the breathing space to regain some strength so hope won't be so far away anymore.

It may seem like nothing can help. But in the end, all the small things add up. Going to hospital, relaxing a bit and being in a space where you can talk if you wish to, is not too much to ask for when your life feels hopeless like it does right now. Lindsay, nobody will come to thank you if you make an attempt on your life. But people will understand if you need some extra help right now and they will be thankful if the help keeps you in this world. What i am saying is that given thecircumstances i really think hospital might offer you some respite.

Please consider it. Your life is just as vaulable as everyone elses. You have as much right to use the resources offered to you as everyone else. It's not too much to call your cpn. It's not too much to ask for an admission. It's a totally okay thing to do.

one_step_closer 21-10-2017 05:24 PM

Thank you both. If I feel able to phone my CPN on Monday I will do it. I went back to bed again this morning after getting up, my terrible sleeping pattern used to make me so hugely suicidal and I'm terrified I'm going backwards with it after doing a bit better with getting out of bed in the morning consistently. This may sound like a small thing but I'd worry that if I went into hospital my sleeping pattern would be worse when I get home because I'd need to be up at 8am in hospital and that routine never sticks with me when I get home. If I get home and I'm really tired after a few days of not sleeping well due to the environment and getting up early I may end up staying in bed until the afternoon and getting into that pattern again. I'm messing up everything anyway.

When I think about what can happen in my future I feel very hopeless because I will be forced into work at some point and that may make me struggle even more. I don't think I will be allowed to stay on benefits for a lot longer, I'll probably be taken off them before I'm well enough to cope with work. I've had difficult experiences with working in the past plus my whole finding it almost impossible to tolerate tiredness in the morning makes me so afraid that I will have to get up early for work and I will cry because it feels so bad. That's pathetic.

Nothing in the future can change for the better. Even if I get more well my brother will get worse mentally and I can't bear that. I am a waste of oxygen, of housing, of money, of professional time. I feel like I need to talk to someone but I can't do it over the phone so I'll have to wait until I see my CPN on Friday or try to phone her before to briefly explain things. No one can help me. I can't think of even one thing that could be offered to me that would help. I hate myself.

Sketchy 21-10-2017 06:17 PM

You are deserving of housing, help, etc. You have as much right to it as other people in a similar situation. If you are too ill to work, then thatís ok. There is no shame in it. I understand your worries. I am also unable to work at the moment and have the same fears.

I know what you mean about a sleeping pattern. Mine is awful. Can you maybe set yourself a goal, but a more attainable one, like trying to get up late morning, or if you do get up early, just moving to living room to change your surroundings?

I hope you get to talk to your cpn and I hope she helps. You are deserving of that help and itís ok to need it.

one_step_closer 21-10-2017 06:18 PM

Thanks Camden. I've had my alarm set for 9.23am for a couple of days now, I try to move it forward a minute every couple of days to every few days. Just these last few days seem to have felt like too much to face up to right away. I know that if I could maintain a getting up time of 9.23am that is much better than me getting up in between 12 and 2pm but it's not good enough for me. I keep thinking about the people who get up at 6.30am for work and don't act like a wimp when they feel tired. I don't push myself to do anything, if I'm too tired I'll go back to bed. If my house is a mess and I can't be bothered doing housework I won't. I have a leisurely life and I still complain.

I know I'm very harsh on myself but I feel like a huge ball of evil since I have caused so much pain right from the moment I was born. The men (who go in and out of my head) even reprogrammed me when they saw how evil I was yet I still manage to hurt everyone. More than hurt - kill, traumatise. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for my mistakes, I don't deserve any peace of mind. Since I was a teenager I have always wished that my brother would either die or settle down with a family of his own so he has more people around and doesn't need me so much so it won't hurt him too badly when I kill myself. Instead of him settling he is struggling more and more and I can't deal with this fact, I'd rather all his pain was transferred to me and he could have a good life. I want my suicidal feelings to override my concern for my brother and allow me to end my life.

Sorry, that turned out to be a pessimistic reply.

one_step_closer 21-10-2017 06:19 PM

Thanks Lorraine, your reply wasn't there when I posted last.

Sketchy 21-10-2017 06:26 PM

There’s nothing wrong with having to get up later than others. You have to take into consideration that you have mh problems and need to accommodate that. It’s a case of doing what you can and setting achievable goals. There is no shame in needing more rest than other people.

I wish I knew how to help you with these thoughts, but I have read. Things can change, even though it doesn’t feel like it. You have to hold onto that thought even though it’s so hard.

sherlock holmes 21-10-2017 09:13 PM

Has your tiredness and sleep been investigated from a physical point of view? Like blood tests to check thyroid function, blood count etc. Do you think you might have chronic fatigue syndrome? Might be worth seeing your GP to get it all looked at.

one_step_closer 22-10-2017 04:05 PM

Thanks everyone. I had a blood test a while ago and was found to have a vitamin D deficiency. I was put on meds and the blood test was repeated but it was still too low and my med was changed to something else. I had another blood test to check the levels one of the times before I ended up in hospital so I never got to check what the results were but I'm sure if my levels were still low my GP would have done something about it. I think I'm just lazy to be honest. I have no idea how much sleep I'm getting but today I messed up again and got up when my alarm went off at 9.23 then went back to bed and kept changing my alarm until nearly 2pm. I don't think I was sleeping at all during that time and I'm not even sure what was stopping me from getting up, maybe a bit of tiredness and also dread for the day. It's natural to feel tired and I know that many, many people push through it but I'm so selfish that I just pamper myself. It wouldn't be too much of a problem if I could get back to staying up after my alarm goes off at 9.23am but in the long term I will be told to get a job at some point and will have to cope with tiredness.

I really wish I was still seeing my psychologist. It doesn't feel like enough support to just see my CPN for up to half an hour once a fortnight. There's nothing majorly wrong with me though, I have things so so easy. I deserve to be forced into work and then in a roundabout way forced to kill myself.

Sketchy 22-10-2017 05:37 PM

You don’t deserve to be forced into work. You are unable to work and that’s ok. Concentrate on the now and what you need just now. It’s ok to sleep a bit longer and look after yourself. I wish I knew how to get up early, because it’s something I struggle with, but I think you are being too hard on yourself.

one_step_closer 23-10-2017 02:22 PM

Thank you. I'm so bad at staying in the here and now, I'm always worrying about the future or what has happened in the past. My previous psychologist tried to teach me mindfulness but I find it quite uncomfortable and distressing although maybe it would be less distressing than rumination if I had learned to use it properly. I still haven't phoned anyone. The only person I want to talk to right now is my CPN. Well I'd like to talk to my previous psychologist but obviously I can't because he's not involved in my treatment any more. I'm triggered to overdose but need to think carefully about what I could actually take because I am so crap at swallowing multiple tablets. I have nothing in the house I can take anyway and I can't think of what I could buy in the shops despite having a quick look while I was out earlier. People think I'm doing ok because I haven't overdosed for months now and because I don't need treatment/go for treatment for my cuts but the truth is I'm very, very self destructive I just seem to have lost the physical ability to harm myself badly. It's hard being trapped in this place where I want to destroy myself but don't have the power to. Maybe I'm just being weak. I shouldn't phone anyone because I am an adult and I need to look after myself. Plus I'm probably not unsafe. People would say, what do you want us to do? And I don't even know because I don't believe anyone can help I just hate feeling so alone with things.

Sketchy 23-10-2017 02:47 PM

Even adults need help. It’s ok to ask for help. If you need to phone your cpn then that is perfectly ok. You have as much right to help and support as anyone else. What would you suggest to someone else who was going through what you are? Try to show yourself the same kindness as you show others.

one_step_closer 23-10-2017 03:21 PM

Thanks. I know I would encourage someone to reach out to whoever they trusted if they needed to. It's just that I don't know with myself when it gets to 'that point' and if I'll even know what to say. And right now one of my cats is sitting on my lap which makes me not want to move so I can't make a phone call. I have my mobile next to me but when I make phone calls I have to sit on a specific point on my stairs and use my house phone. My laptop battery is about to run down so I'll need to move my cat to plug it in but I probably still won't phone. I'm just generally scared of talking on the phone for longish periods.

Sketchy 23-10-2017 03:27 PM

I get what you mean about the phone. I hate phone calls. But it is an option. You just have to be brave and give it a try.
That’s good you have cats. Do you find them a good distraction?

I know it’s hard to decide when it gets to that point. I guess if you feel unsafe and will act on the thoughts then it is time to reach out for help. Or even if you are having these thoughts but just need someone to talk to, then it’s also time to phone.

one_step_closer 23-10-2017 03:38 PM

I worry that my CPN will think badly of me if I can't explain myself. It's hard enough during face to face contact but on the phone I can't see how she is reacting. I don't even know what to say anyway. I used to be able to phone the crisis team when it was out of hours but I knew all of the staff and now I hardly know any. I sometimes think that it might help to talk to a fresh person and I would if it was face to face just not over the phone. It's probably too late to phone my CPN anyway. When we were making an appointment a couple of weeks back she said she wouldn't be able to see me today (we usually meet on a Monday every fortnight) so she must be busy and I don't want to add to her work. I bet Friday will come and I'll go to my appointment and not be able to explain anything.

Right now I'm wasting time looking through my Amazon recommendations and adding some to my wish list. I'm lucky I have plenty of time to waste, I don't have anything called 'spare time' because I do nothing important with my time anyway, it's all 'spare time.' I'm finally going to my second meeting about befriending an older person on Wednesday but I think the volunteer coordinator thinks I'm a bit too quiet and it does say something on the advert for volunteers online about having to be confident and chatty. I usually have to get to know someone before I can do that. I can imagine me being scrutinised. It's hard enough to know that people can physically see and hear me and then on top of that people can judge me.

one_step_closer 23-10-2017 05:52 PM

Need to kill myself right now but kitty is snoozing on my lap and contentedly twitching. Ridiculous that I'll let this stop me. Any excuse.

Sketchy 23-10-2017 11:06 PM

I’m glad your kitty is preventing you from killing yourself. Is there anything else that will help you stay safe?
Friday will come soon and then you can talk to your cpn. Perhaps you can write stuff down so you are prepared.

I wish I knew why else to suggest, but I do sympathise and hope things get better for you. Which they will. These bad emotions aren’t forever.

discodevilx 24-10-2017 12:21 AM

How are you feeling today? What have you been doing? Can you write a feeling diary ? For example give yourself a number out of ten for how you feel - 1 being shit and 10 good with a feeling next to it? Maybe this will help when you meet your cpn. Xx

Buttons. 24-10-2017 04:28 AM

Glad you've got kitty as a motivator to stay safe-I know how important pets can be. I don't really have words right now beyond I care about you and you deserve to feel better than this, and I have faith you will feel better it's just MH is a sod and it might take a while. You are a lovely person and sooner or later the universe will recognise that.

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