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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 29-05-2020 07:57 PM

I don't want either world, I don't want this messed up existence. It's all so confusing when I think about it. I have lots of words I want to say but my brain is drained and isn't allowing me. I don't think I could get things out through drawing. I am very, very triggered to attempt suicide. I don't know if there's anyone from the informal crisis team I can talk to but the people on Duty this weekend I can't talk to. My CPN is phoning on Tuesday. I don't want to keep holding on for my CPN's phone calls. What kind of a life is this? I need help.

Soft Kitty 30-05-2020 10:58 AM

I'm sorry you're having such an awful time, Lindsay. I hope you reach out to the crisis team. How are you today?

Harley 30-05-2020 11:06 AM

Just seen this. Not good to hear things are so bad, I'm sorry too. My PM box is open, and we're here talk to in the absense of any better options over the w/e, maybe that'll help a bit?

one_step_closer 30-05-2020 11:43 AM

Thank you both. I phoned the informal crisis team but I can't remember who the people are and with my telephone anxiety I just hung up. I'm only comfortable on the phone with my CPN now which is an improvement in itself. She is working on Monday and said I can call her if I need to since we usually speak on Mondays but I'm still not great at making phone calls. I bashed my head. I took a normal dose of PRN instead of taking all of it, but it doesn't work any more. Taking them all would kill me, hopefully. It's harder holding on for a phone call than it is for a face to face appointment but that still isn't possible right now.

I'm still jumbled today with both of the worlds merging together and all the complexities of each of them crowding in my brain. I see no way to make things less complicated and get a bit of peace.

Harley 30-05-2020 11:47 AM

That sounds reall frustrating having to wait for something you're already anxious enough about. The need to talk isn't something you can schedule into a diary...

How do you mean both worlds and what complexities are bugging you?

Soft Kitty 30-05-2020 11:54 AM

You've worked hard to be more comfortable talking to your CPN on the phone, big well done. Giving her a call on Monday sounds like a really good idea - keep reminding yourself that she said you could.

I'm really sorry you hurt yourself. Do you think there's anything you can do to help your head feel better?

I was reflecting on what you said previously about allowing things with the other worlds to just be (instead of challenging them). I hope I've got that right. I think it was very wise - not everything needs to be fought and questioned, though perhaps it's important to be mindful of whether your responses are helpful to you (as it feels as though they may hurt you at times, and you don't deserve that).

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Relating

I get voices that tell me to hurt myself, and they can really upset me and make me angry because I don't want to do as they say but feel as though I have to. I'm trying to learn to step back and allow them to be, rather than reacting to them. It's really hard, but I think it's possible to make progress.

I guess I'm wondering if that might be an option for you. That instead of grappling to understand, or pushing away, the experiences could just... be. No need to respond to this, it's just an option and definitely not intended to make you feel more chaotic inside.

Hoping for a calmer day for you.

one_step_closer 30-05-2020 08:20 PM

Thank you for your replies, I'm sorry I can't properly acknowledge them.

The med I have can cause respiratory depression and coma first of all in an overdose. I get to sleep very quickly so I could sleep through all that and never wake up. Seriously considering it. I see nowhere to turn. I can't phone NHS 24, I wouldn't go to A&E because that's a step too far. I'd like to talk to my CPN first but when she phoned on Friday and asked if I had any plans for suicide over the weekend I said no because I didn't. I don't want to hold on and bother her on Monday because she always has a lot of scheduled calls to make. That would mean holding on till Tuesday. I'm sick of holding on and holding off. I burned again over my burn but that's not enough. This is what my whole life is like.

Soft Kitty 30-05-2020 08:23 PM

It sounds like your risks are high. I think your CPN needs to know this on Monday if you feel like you can stay safe until then. If not, A&E isn't a step too far from an objective perspective.

Harley 30-05-2020 08:23 PM

*gives massive hug*

I am really, really sure your CPN won't mind talking to you on Monday, in the mean time you've got us so try and let some of that stuff you're holding in out - it might help a bit?

one_step_closer 30-05-2020 08:34 PM

Thank you both.

I think I'd rather call NHS 24 than go to A&E and see if I could maybe speak to a psych nurse. I'll probably soon be too tired for all of that though. I'll see what happens when I take my night time meds. If I can hold on I will do my best to phone my CPN on Monday but all she can do is tell me to take the meds to the pharmacy to be disposed of, I won't get any real support. People just want to keep me alive and that's it.

one_step_closer 31-05-2020 09:58 AM

It's the morning again. I'm exhausted and don't know what to do with myself. I have a pen pal letter to post but don't know when is the best time to go out with all the noise in both the worlds and generally having to dodge people. I'm not going to phone my CPN tomorrow, there's no point. And I don't want my PRN disposed of, I need it there for when I am impulsive and in more emotional pain than I can handle.

Soft Kitty, I understand what you mean about letting things just be. I don't know if I can. There is just too much of everything being thrown at me.

I spent a long time in bed last night, really tired, imagining how if I took the pills I'd probably just fall asleep and hopefully never wake up. But I was too tired to get up and get them. My burn has turned out completely rubbish, maybe it's still burning and I will get some more damage but my body does not react to injury in the way that it should now. I don't know how I'm going to fill this whole day. There is no point in my life.

Koala hugs 31-05-2020 08:14 PM

Hey one step closer how are you feeling now . Also can i just say im really really proud of u for working so hard to be able to make phonecalls to ur cpn its a masdive step and one that deserves celebrating. Fo u have anything u can reward urself with. Sorry ur struggling. Please do ring ur cpn tomorrow.

Koala hugs 31-05-2020 08:15 PM

Massive not masdive thats what i get for typing too quick lol xxx

EyelinerAndCigarettes 31-05-2020 08:17 PM

How did it go today? I'm really unbelievably glad you didn't take the pills, I'm low on words right now but I care and you're never alone <3

Irisflower 31-05-2020 08:22 PM

Just echoing what's been said above....you matter, and we care about you. Xo xo

one_step_closer 31-05-2020 08:31 PM

Thank you all.

Today has been a day filled with nothing much activity wise or getting things done. It would have helped to go for a walk but it was way too hot today. I'm unsure if I should phone my CPN tomorrow. I'm thinking I'm going to take the meds during the day anyway, at night I'm too sleepy. I can't let my CPN make me take the meds to the chemist to be disposed of. Even if the normal NHS MH options were available, like hospital, I couldn't use it because there is no one to look after my cats since no one can come into your house and I don't know of any catteries. Not like hospital would be offered anyway. I've tried and tried to tolerate all this stuff that is going on and I don't want to continue to withstand it. This has to be my end. I acknowledge that it will hurt people and I'm sorry. I really never should have been born in the first place.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 31-05-2020 08:35 PM

I absolutely disagree that you shouldn't have been born. You a wonderful, important and valuable human being, yes you are hurting and in immense pain but you are so valid.

one_step_closer 01-06-2020 08:10 PM

How do you advertise an event anonymously? Posters? Is there anything online?

Soft Kitty 01-06-2020 08:39 PM

I don't have many words right now but I am hearing how much pain you're in. I just really hope your CPN can help more than you think, and that you will go go A&E if you can't stay safe tonight. It's got to be worth a go.

tamobhuuta 02-06-2020 10:51 AM

I hope your meeting today is helpful. Please be honest about the men etc and your safety.

one_step_closer 02-06-2020 08:10 PM

Thank you all. I will update more when I can. I spoke to psych and /I might ve admitted tomorrow. I don't know if I can fuind a cattery that will take ny cats though,

Cacoethes 02-06-2020 09:14 PM

Lindsay I really hope you are ok
Update us when you can <3

Irisflower 02-06-2020 09:17 PM

Lindsay, are you able to get to A & E? From your writing it looks like you need help now.

tamobhuuta 03-06-2020 10:09 AM

Sorry you ODed, please let us know how you are x

EyelinerAndCigarettes 03-06-2020 11:22 AM

Thinking of you Lindsay. Hope you are okay. Do let us know when you feel ready/are able.

one_step_closer 03-06-2020 01:35 PM

Sorry, I was wobbly and tired and my eyes wouldn't focus. (This is the kind of messages people were getting when I was on this med 4 times a day, I was zonked!) I was very suicidal and decided yesterday would be the day. I took X amount of the meds but wanted to not be too out of it to speak to my CPN so I was going to take the rest after my CPN phoned. She seemed quite angry and said she was going to end the call because there was nothing for us to talk about. That was quite upsetting. She did tell me I would have to phone for an ambulance which I was reluctant to do so we went back and forward with that idea a lot.I eventually phoned and they sent an ambulance. I was mostly just sitting for hours after they did a blood test. I tried to ligature which was stupid because it didn't work and then I couldn't get the thing off my neck and it had to be cut off. Luckily the psych person who came to see me wasn't angry. He said he thinks I should be in hospital but it was late and he didn't want to phone my psych so he let me go home and said he would phone him today.

My CPN phoned me today and said the psych hasn't been contacted and he wants to talk to me and can't do that until Monday. My CPN said I wouldn't have been sent home if they thought I was a risk to myself, that upsets me a bit. They never even asked me what my plans were for when I got home. They just assumed that I'd be admitted today. I think my CPN is against admission and my psych will be too. I have no options. I'm just supposed to sit and suffer at home. I'll be getting a phone call from my CPN tomorrow, then another CPN on Friday and then my psych on Monday. There is just no hope for anything getting better. I'm trying to stick to a routine today but I don't feel well and it's actually 2 routines because I didn't get stuff done yesterday. I can find no ways to relax, when I try to it always feelings like I'm doing nothing or wasting time and that frustrates me.

I'll have to think of a better suicide method.

Cacoethes 03-06-2020 02:11 PM

I'm glad you're still here lindsay
I care about you very much and I wish I could support you more
I really hope you get some help very soon

one_step_closer 03-06-2020 04:47 PM

Thank you Beckie. I really shouldn't be here though. I was X away from the final sleep and here I am living days that don't exist again because I'm not supposed to be alive.

nonperson 03-06-2020 05:44 PM

You are supposed to be alive and there is always, always hope, whether you can believe it right now or not.

Do you think making a plan to get through the next few days is a good idea?

one_step_closer 03-06-2020 07:46 PM

I'm not sure how to do that, what could be in a plan. I feel restricted with what I can do and my focus is bad and when it's bad I just get frustrated with myself for not being able to do much. Monday will come and they'll have no solution anyway, so I'll just be expected to carry on for an unspecified amount of time. Forever.

My CPN was going on about an admission being a crisis admission but I wish they would stop with that, it's too strict. It's not strict if I feel I want to leave early but if I still feel really unwell and like hospital is helping and I need to be there they're not very flexible.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 11-06-2020 06:41 AM

How are you doing? Sending hugs.

Auror. 13-06-2020 05:59 AM

I notice you haven't been on in quite a few days, Lindsay. I really hope you are as okay as possible. Thinking of you.

Voldemort 13-06-2020 09:19 PM

Hey guys, just letting you know that Lindsay is in hospital right now (psych) and can’t get onto RYL. She’s struggling and if any of you want to leave messages for her if you’re not on FB or whatever I’ll pass them onto her.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 13-06-2020 10:26 PM

Thank you for letting us know <3

Lindsay, I'm thinking of you and sending you all the hugs! You can do this <3

nonperson 13-06-2020 11:09 PM

Also thinking of you a lot, Lindsay. You are wonderful and greatly missed around here.

Irisflower 13-06-2020 11:14 PM

Thinking of you, Lindsay <3 <3 <3

Auror. 14-06-2020 02:51 AM

Thanks for letting us know, Lindsay I hope you are as okay as possible and they are being kind to you there.

Koala hugs 16-06-2020 10:59 PM

Hey get well soon xxx miss seeing u round here but will look forward to ur return wen u r ready and able sending hugs

tamobhuuta 17-06-2020 01:26 PM

I hope the staff are kind and helpful. Sending you lots of love x

Pi.R^2 17-06-2020 01:29 PM

Thanks for letting us know.
I hope hospital will be helpful for you Lindsay; I'm thinking of you.

Zurg 17-06-2020 06:21 PM

Lindsay, i hope you can take this time to focus on being in a safer place and getting to a place where you feel better and more able to handle the world around you and all its expectations.
Sometimes hospital is a respite in the sense that it disconnects you from the things that you struggle with every day. I hope this stay Will help you to feel better equipped and ready to face the world outside again. I wish hospital could provide a more long term perspective and not just be used as the last resort when people can't keep themselves safe. Take this opportunity to talk to the staff members and use the support that is around you. I wish you all the best.

one_step_closer 16-07-2020 03:03 PM

I've been back after how many weeks I don't know. And the time seems to be warped every day. Thank you for your kind messages. When I was in hospital I was left with blank memories and I don't know what I was doing. Such as I went to ask a nurse if the dinner was out and she said no it'a now toast time and she had asked me if I wanted some dinner. My dorm was right next to the nurses station so I only had a short walk to get to where they were and once I had started walking I realised I couldn't remember what I was going to say. Now I'm home and still confused. My meds are different and I seem to not be taking them right because I have extra left over once I've put them into the boxes. I've put reminders in my phone and also ones that tell me when to eat. I'm hoping to get back replying to things today, I need to be back here.

tamobhuuta 16-07-2020 05:04 PM

Good to see you back. Things sound hard. It would be a good idea to tell your professional about the meds confusion.

Also hugs.

one_step_closer 16-07-2020 05:54 PM

Thank you. I wish I had the words. Both my speaking and writing are mixed up and I say stupid things and sound like I'm drunk. It's hard enough going to the chemist with so traffic and I'm not able to stop myself from swaying over to one side and my knees buckle a lot a sometimes I fall. I told my CPN when she phoned me but she said just to mention it until our telephone appointment on the 27th. My good feelings about being at home didn't last long. This really should have been the end this time.

Juella 17-07-2020 04:43 PM

Oh, I'm sorry you're not feeling well, that sounds difficult. Have you considered getting in touch with your GP and discussing your symptoms? They seem quite worrying. I'm sorry your CPN is expecting you to wait until 27th before you can talk about it.
Can you ask someone else to accompany you to the chemistry or to pick up your meds for you? It doesn't sound very safe to go out alone in your current state.
I know things are difficult right now, but I still hope you'll remain safe and I think it is a positive thing you're home now.
Hang on!

one_step_closer 20-07-2020 05:16 PM

Thank you all. I still can't write well with a pen or write a long blog but there's a huge amount of stuff in my brain. I need to get it out and this seemed like a safe-ish place.

Now I've just written that I'm too tired and lacking in motivation etc. I'm just going to have to wait till things changed for the better. I hope you're all ok.

one_step_closer 21-07-2020 11:39 AM

I was ready to come home from hospital, maybe. They didn't talk with me about it they just had it hidden inside their minds. I do think I was ready leave hospital but I don't know if I was ready to cope with all the side effects and things. I don't know what time it is, even if I look at my clocks, my watch, my phone, and what that time even means. Anything I read makes no sense and when I text or talk to people they say they have no idea what I'm saying. I want to get back to writing in my journal, this is ok but I need to be writing every day in my journal. I've topped falling but I still get the knee spasms and I'm lucky enough usually to having something to fall against and get myself back in.

I'm hoping someone will allow me to get my meds a weekly tray or a depot because I have a pile of meds and I have no idea how I left so much of them untaken, I can't remember. They were going to go for a depot but the psych said if I stay on oral meds it's easy to increase or decrease them if needed.

I keep losing the time, it was like this in hospital where I asked things like is it dinner time? And they'd say no I didn't want any dinner So people have been interacting with me and I have no clue what was happening. It's just blank. I am also not being careful like leaving my glitter lamp on when I go to bed. I could create a fire if I'm not concentrating.

A good thing is the men seem to be taking a rest but they have sent a person to live in my house and follow me alone. She doesn't do much and all I can see of her is her gown thing which is a pink colour.

My CPN is on holiday this week but has asked for someone to phone me, at some time I have no idea. I'm having a phone call from my psych on the 27th too. I'm afraid everyone will say I just have to get on with things. My CPN suggest we speak once a week now, instead of twice, so that might happen when she comes back. I'm sorry I'm such an idiot who needs support from professionals so much.

Zurg 21-07-2020 06:43 PM

Lindsay, you're not an idiot. Not at all!!!!

I Think it's worrying with the things you are experiencing that they are thinking of taking away some of the support. I also Think it's worrying that you have to cope mostly alone while being in such a vulnerable state.

Maybe you were not, in fact, ready for discharge from hospital and maybe your mind is trying to somehow protect you from that by not processing things properly. Either Way, this needs to be adressed and soon. At least from my point of view.

Fact is that if they can get away with it, they'll sometimes tend to withdraw or withold support because they Think enough has been done. But if you are feeling like this then clearly not enough has been done!!!!!

I just wanted to say this here. I want you to realise that this is NOT your fault nor is it a sign of weakness or laziness. This is pretty serious and it seems to me they are falling to realise this.

one_step_closer 21-07-2020 06:58 PM

Thank you. I'm worried that they might just stop my meds because of the side effects (which are not too bad at the moment because I am a fake) and they won't decide to try anything else.

I'm scared that this last admission was a strict and planned one, because my discharge note and my meds were already written up before I went into my MDT review. So this could happen in the future. I felt like I was ready just because I wanted out, my psychiatrist said she thinks I'm well.

Zurg 21-07-2020 08:37 PM

I Think sometimes professionals say a lot of bullshit in order to justify discharge before time because they have someone else pressing them for a bed.

This is not your fault. Nor are you a fake. If these people took the time to listen, really listen, then maybe they'd begin to see the bigger picture here. It does not matter if you feel like you are too reliant on services. Because if you are that is okay too and it clearly shows that you are lacking something important in your life that you feel you can get from them. And if the system worked like it's supposed to they would help you to find what you need in other places too. But it never fucking amounts to anything because there is never enough time or money. And that is not your fault but it's people like you who Fall victim to that.

I wish they could come and see you on here. I wish they could find the time and resources to understand that they need to handle this in another way.

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