Thanks, whatever kind of form you are taking.

I took my PRN even though I know it doesn't help. I banged my head X times.

Possible solutions - go for a wander
- phone the informal crisis team
- do more head banging
- start focusing hard on a practical suicide plan

I need to find out how many residual energies of people are out there. I don't want to phone the informal crisis team and have some recorded echo saying that they are real. I will want to tell them to fuck off. I want someone with physical abilities to batter me. I want to be dragged away by whoever the police are right now.

Someone show me the truth. Someone show me hope.

I could try phoning Duty tomorrow, I don't know if my CPN is working. But I can't say any of these things that I have written, they only make sense through written words. I wish I could email my CPN. I don't care if she wouldn't get it for days.

What do you do when you're so disconnected from everything? The world is made of fog. My body is filled with emotional pain. There is no way to have a better connection so I need to end my existence.

I like your first two solutions. Well done for taking PRN, sorry it didn't help. I promise things can get better, this isn't forever.

By wandering I mean to find out what's going on with the other world. This morning is terrible again and set to continue. I am so tired. I need to bang my head constantly. I am aching and I can't survive like this. I don't want this. If I phone Duty and it's not my CPN who is on they will likely fob me off. I can't even explain any of this without someone just reading my words anyway. I'm crying. I wish there was a quick and easy way to kill myself because I am being attacked every day. I'm so upset because I know that I won't have the words to explain anything over the phone so I can't be heard. Not another day, please. End me.

In that case, talk to someone. Coming here is great but reaching out irl is better.

I phoned Duty but my CPN didn't answer and it was someone I don't know that well so I hung up. I'm going to ask my CPN if I can email her something and she can print it out and get back to me during a scheduled call. I think I still needed daily calls from her but she has reduced them to twice a week. When they were daily it was just 4 in a row and then I said to not bother over the weekend.

I've did something self harm wise on top of my most recent healed cuts because I think it has to be in a sort of pattern to please the men and the Mothman and let them know that I am serious about opening myself up to them further.

I just want to sleep all the time to get away with things and I'm terrified I'll get back into my getting up in the afternoon/evening/not for 36 hours routine. It seems easy to fall into it in the morning when I'm tired and can't be bothered dealing with my emotions. I'm doing ok so far with about 8.30am being the latest I'm getting up, where I'd usually get up just before 8am or 8am itself.

I was more anxious going out this morning and it took me a while to build up the courage to leave my house. I'm so overwhelmed I get to points when I'm out when I feel like I'm just going to sit on the ground/floor and cry. There has already been tears today. There are still so many hours left to fill.

The email sounds like a good idea, can you ask if she can call you daily instead of twice a week?

Good job for waking up at 8.30 but you need to rest too.

Good job just making it out of the house, you should be proud of yourself, you did it :)

You can do it lovely

I don't have her email address and would need to ask her when she calls on Friday. Sometimes she works in the office and sometimes from home and she can't access her work email from home. I think she is busy enough without having to call me daily, it was her idea the last time and I wouldn't ask for it. I don't even know if she is supposed to be phoning me regularly since she's on Duty (crisis). I don't think I'm going to be able to communicate anything to her. The world is just so wrong. My brain is so confused and I'm upset about everything. I hope not to put on a face when I talk to my CPN. I hope she will allow me to talk because sometimes she just has a general chat. Today is close to unbearable, I haven't really done much other than spend too much money online and do the hoovering. It's raining and if it gets worse I'm going to have to go into my garden to absorb it to protect people. I hope it gets very cold and very wet and I will lie on the ground. There is no way I can continue with this life. I wish someone would help me to die. No one is bothered because I can't seem to get death right myself.

I need a human. There are no humans in my house. I am anxious when I go out and don't want to talk to anyone out there I just want to talk to my CPN face to face. I am an illusion, the world is an illusion. I am fading but I am still a huge chunk to get rid of somehow. I hope the men take me to the other world soon. Although that might be worse than this one. I want this suffering to stop. I can't cope.

Emotional pain every minute, no break. How is anyone supposed to live like this. I feel like I have enough pain inside to just die of it.

Maybe you can face time her? Are you allowed to text her? Why will you have to dry the rain?

Sending love x

None of those are options.

I have to absorb the rain to protect people because of the other world.

I seriously just want to fall down dead. And here goes another day and then there will likely be another one and another one. I can't describe my emotional agony. Right now would definitely be a time for hospital but I know that isn't an option. Normally if that wasn't an option I'd see my CPN and other CPNs face to face a number of times each week but obviously that can't happen. I have lots of spare meds. I don't know if they would kill me, I just don't want to be ok but ill and need to get treatment. I don't know if my CPN is working today but I'm not going to phone her because she's always got a huge list of people to call and I'm on her list for tomorrow anyway. I don't want to do life any more in any way it comes to look like.

I phoned Duty and my old CPN answered who I get on well with but I hung up. Phone calls are too much and I am only just tolerating the ones from my CPN although I do rely on them and need them a lot. I think overdosing has to be an option but I really should wait to talk to my CPN tomorrow.

I don't know what to do. Every day is a bigger fight than I have ever faced before.

What would help do you think? What would be happening in hospital that would help? I'm guessing it's the face-to-face contact, but wondering if there's anything else, something that could be emulated at home.

Maybe going back to daily phone calls from my CPN would help, or from the other CPNs I know when she's off. It would also be good to be able to email her for the things that are easier to explain through written words.

I'm still getting all the Lorazepam I was getting in hospital and I'm worried that it might not be working now because I'm tolerant to it and I could end up getting addicted if I take too much PRN so I think I'm going to have to ask my CPN to speak to the psychiatrist about stopping it completely. I'm not even sure if it works as PRN when I'm taking it regularly too. But in hospital it felt like it was holding me together and maybe it still is and coming off it will make things extra terrible. I don't know. It's just one of those meds that you need to be careful about and I think meds aren't really getting reviewed because no one is having phone appointments with psychiatrists.

I just want to see a kind human face (my CPN, other CPNs, nurses from the ward) meaning a kind professional face not friends or family. And I want to explain everything to them and show my distress and cry and then get some relief. I am no use at self soothing. I really do wish I got things from cutting like I used to.

I also hate not being able to go out twice a day. Once in the morning isn't enough. I don't know if I could hold off till the afternoon.

Is there a way that you can ask her? Has she phoned yet, if she has, what did she say about you emailing her?

I feel like if you use it the way it's supposed to be, nothing will happen, I'm not sure though. Is there a way to get a face to face appointment with your psychiatrist?

Maybe you could drop by your CPN's house and talk to her through the door? There was a math teacher here a while back and since the girl couldn't understand what she was learning, he came to her house and taught her the subject through the glass door.
Sorry I'm just waffling now, I'll stop

Is there a way you could go out today other than in the morning?

She should be phoning at some point today. I don't think I will be able to get much across to her through spoken words so I hope she lets me email her but even my written words don't connect with people a lot of the time.

There is a new psychiatrist and she's just advising the staff just now who are passing things onto her. My CPN might have a word with her about my meds.

If I went to my CPNs house (if I even knew where she lived) I'd at least be given a severe warning or I would be discharged. That's not a thing you do.

We're only allowed out once a day and I prefer to get out as soon as I'm out of bed and ready. If my neighbours weren't in their/my garden all the time I could maybe try and do some gardening.

I'm so worried about not being able to get things across to my CPN but she can't really help anyway. I'm so terrified of facing more and more days like this, especially without the relief of good self harm. I just need to figure out a sure way to kill myself and it should be easy but it's hard.

I prefer writing stuff down too, I hope she lets you do that. I hope the psych has some ideas, but if they don't, don't let it make you feel worse because things can still get better.

I agree that visiting your CPN would be inappropriate!

Suicide is very difficult and I'm glad about that because it means you are still here.

You say you want to good SH but I suspect you will never SH enough to satisfy your brain.

She emailed me a care plan that says I can go out once to collect my meds and once to go for a walk, in case the police stop me, but she told me not to email her. She said it a couple of times and it made me kind of upset because there's no way I'd email her without her permission. I couldn't explain myself very well as I thought, the written words would have been better but now I have no way to show her them. I'm probably just going to have to read out what I have written in future even though I hate doing that.

I think she's either too busy to have more contact with me or doesn't want to have more contact with me. Before she allowed me 4 days in a row and was going to extend it to 6 initially until I said to leave it over the weekend. Now we're sticking to our usual 2 days but also another CPN is going to phone me in between. Then she said she'll look to decrease it again. I am very grateful for the support I'm receiving though. It's just hard going without contact from my CPN for days.

Self harm even sort of the same as I used to be able to manage would be enough for the time being. I just need some relief.

I can see why that would be upsetting for her to tell you multiple times not to email her- it feels a bit accusatory doesn't it? Though she probably just forgot she'd already said it, but yeah, I can see why that would bother you. And it's a shame that you won't be able to keep in contact via email. I'm sure this has been suggested a ton of times, but have you tried anything like the samaritans who, I think, offer email support?

I know you've said that you hate reading out what you've written, but I guess in times like these you have to give it a go if at all possible =/

How are you doing with your daily routine and activities?

The Samaritans stopped replying to my emails a long time ago, I don't find them helpful anyway. I've tried Breathing Space web chat a few times but it gets frustrating. I need to be talking to people who know me. I think I'll have to try reading out what I've written when I need to.

Things were sort of neutral over the weekend but then the badness started creeping in. I'm trying hard to keep my anxieties etc to the back of my mind other than when I go out because that seems impossible. I have quite a good daily routine other than the evenings can seem too long because I can't focus on things and can only tolerate 1 hour of TV.

Things with the men and the Mothman don't seem to be that important right now. They are quiet.

Maybe too quiet.

Everything is peaceful around me. The sun is shining, the cats are snoozing, I can hear the birds. But in my head, I can't stand much more of this.

A different CPN is going to phone me today to go through some Covid loneliness/isolation self help techniques or something. I'm anxious about the call as usual. I'm anxious about going out later, I didn't go out this morning to get my meds because I was worried I'd miss the call. I went to post a letter yesterday and had to go a ridiculously long and roundabout way because of having to dodge people. This is all so scary.

The other CPN didn't hear me at all. She just focused on the practical things I'm trying to keep doing. The men are pushing on my brain so they should be here at some point. Maybe my Mothman t-shirt will come today and I will be told to do some research. I don't know if I can focus well enough.

Sorry you weren't listened to. What do you think the men will say?

They've just increased my tinnitus so far. My Mothman t-shirt did come and I tried to read a bit of the book but it was hard going and I don't know if this book is going to be useful but I have to persevere for even the tiniest bit of information.

I just went out once today and as part of it I was planning on going to Tesco but there are just too many people out and about.

I got so wound up last night I tried to kill myself and then went on a self harm spree. I'm so sick of everything. I am terrified about life and there is always a horrible emotional ache hiding behind things when I feel ok and it creeps out just to let me know things can't stay ok.

I'm now usually getting up about 9am, it's not a big deal but I'm scared of going backwards. I'm still so tired even though I sleep quite well through the night.

It's hard to occupy myself with the same things over and over again. I can't focus on the Mothman book so something terrible is bound to happen to someone because of me. I already know how the Mothman fits in with the men, there are three men but they speak in one voice and the Mothman speaks for them. I want to do some proper research but the book is rubbish and I am so tired.

My CPN should be phoning at some point this morning or early afternoon. I wish she could do something. The other CPN sent me some things about what to do during lockdown like getting out for 30 minutes, doing some exercise, sticking to a routine. But I already do all that. It's so hard to have MH problems along with everything that's going on right now. I wish I could kill myself.

What about finding some new things to occupy yourself with? They can still become part of your routine and will give you something new to focus on. Doing the same things over and over naturally means you will eventually lose focus.

I'm sorry you hurt yourself last night, and I'm really glad you are here. I hope your CPN is helpful. X

Thank you both. I don't know which new things I could do, I'm not really interested in much. I tried to do some baking in the evening but then it's all eaten by the next afternoon and I can't be doing that.

My CPN helped by listening. She was trying to figure out if there was something more we could be doing. She said we could maybe meet at the health centre but she'd have to be in full PPE. That would be quite scary and I don't have my mask through yet so I said not at the moment. She isn't allowed to come to my house, and admissions to hospital are only allowed for people who are psychotic - not for people who try to kill themselves. She said I can 'play around' with my Lorazepam and take them however it suits me as long as I don't take them to kill myself. I don't know if Lorazepam even helps any more.

I did lots of head banging this morning and bashing my arms. I am really sore unsurprisingly but I'll probably do more. There should be more visible damage but there's not much to see. I am pathetic.

I found another Mothman book so will try and give that a go. There have been so many loud and strange noises today and I keep getting a fright. Even when it's noises I can anticipate coming. I don't want life. Nothing will ever make life worth living.

Did you say you'd tried to kill yourself?

Yes, but it didn't work so it's not important. I never get it right and probably never will.

Lindsay, I feel absolutely terrible that I unintentionally glossed over that. It is important and you are important. Asking if you're ok seems wrong because I know you aren't but I'll send some love instead and hope that I haven't made you or your pain feel unnoticed. <3

You are such a kind person, you don't deserve this suffering (I would say no one does) and I'm sorry you tried to kill yourself. How has today been?

Thank you all.

I'm feeling really agitated and have been banging and slapping my head lots. I don't know what to do because I've had my 2 evening Lorazepam. Duty will have finished for the day and I don't want to phone the informal crisis team.

Despite my fit bit telling me I got 10 hours 10 minutes sleep I am so tired. It might be because I've had no caffeine for a while because I'm avoiding the shops and instead getting deliveries when I can. I need to reduce the amount of time I stay in bed. There is fear around the day passing, going to bed, getting out of bed, and the morning routine. The fit bit is annoying me, telling me to get up and walk every hour if I haven't made it to 250 steps. I'm sick of drinking just water. I really want to send the watch back but i've messed up the packaging I think.

I put some images into my notebook about the men and the Mothman and I'm going to write about them. In the Mothman book I read it said people were drawn away from looking at its face so they didn't see facial features. That's the same with the men. When I've seen them out of my head I never see their faces. There is a pull away from looking there. I don't know if they have a human head or not, I know nothing about their features. It's like a drowsy feeling pulling my head down from theirs and blurring my vision. Of course they mostly appear as shadows in my head the majority of the time. This weird weather is triggering some urges to wander or lie outside in the cold.

My CPN is phoning tomorrow though. I need to somehow make the most of the call but it's not enough. I seriously think this would be time for an admission if things were normal. I don't know how to cope being all on my own at home through this.

Maybe don't wear the fitbit for a while if it's causing you more stress. Do you think you could pop into a shop and get some coffee if you think that would help?

Have you thought any more about going to see your cpn in person even if she has to wear full PPE?

I'm sending the Fitbit back. I don't drink coffee and I'm avoiding shops as much as possible. I don't see what seeing my CPN in person would do, she can't offer anything more than she is already doing.

I'm feeling like taking all my X and hopefully I'll just die in my sleep. But I promised my CPN I wouldn't. I'm so suicidal but so tired. Taking meds wouldn't require too much effort.

There's something happening with the other world. I need to properly wake up and go outside.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, I understand how you feel and you aren't alone. I'm really glad you promised your CPN you wouldn't kill yourself. If you can, you need to hold onto that - If you weren't here you would be so missed.

How are you feeling today? Would it help if you were to talk more about what happened last night?

Thanks. I don't even know what to say to my CPN, I feel like I can't properly describe anything. I can't.

I Think it might be a bit of a relief if youcould tell her what you need??? It does not matter if it's impossible right now, or ever. It does not matter if it doesn't line up with the kind of work she does. That in itself is not important, the important thing would be to give your needs a language, a voice apart from the self harm and suicidal behaviour. And even though she might not be able to help you, she might have an idea about where to go and who to talk to. Or she might be able to arrange something that could help you get some of what you feel you need???

If hospital came up as an option, i hope you'll take it. These times are hard enough for people who don't normally struggle with their mental health. In my view you should be offered an admission. That ought to be standard procedure following a suicide attempt.

I hope you can use the phone call today and feel just a bit listened to, understood and supported. Xxx

Thank you both.

Singular words might help, I often feel like I have to explain things in depth though so everything is heard exactly as it is.

I told my CPN stuff about my head banging and what is going on with the other world and stuff and she said she couldn't see how it was all connected together. I appreciate that it might be hard for people to understand when they're not in the middle of everything. She's going to put my name down for whenever there is a telephone appointment available with the psychiatrist. She is new me/this area so I don't know what she's going to be like and what her views are etc, I hope she's not judgemental. We spoke about how I want to stop the Lorazepam except for taking it as PRN because I don't know how much it does for me. I am unsure about stopping it though, but no one would usually be on it this long in the community. My CPN said to take it as I am for a week. Maybe I could discuss it with the psychiatrist whenever that might be.

I'm not sure what I need though. Really. I just know that if now was a normal time I'd maybe be admitted to hospital. I'm just hoping I can speak to the psychiatrist soon and that she has some ideas about what we can try.

Thank you. She didn't say anything about a time frame she just said she had looked at the list for appointments and my name wasn't on it and she was going to add my name to it. She's phoning again on Friday so might know something by then.

I'm trying to make notes to create an information notebook about the men and the other world. I've been looking back over my blog but there's so much to look at and I just want to get on with making the notebook but then I might miss something out. I want to then show it to people to see if it helps them understand better.

I got up at 9am and I can't let go of the fact that before the clocks changed I was easily getting up at 8am and now it's a struggle to even get up at 9am. It just feels wrong and upsetting and lazy. I'm wasting an hour of my day even though my day is nothing special and more likely to be a battle. I'm just afraid of the feeling when it comes to forcing myself out of bed, the feeling that I could just not bother getting up, because I don't want to go back to that.

When I struggle to get out of bed, i start small. I usually get up between 9 and 10. Maybe have some coffee, then when I'm feeling ready I have some breakfast. I have a pray but you could read, meditate, whatever suits you. Only then am I ready to get dressed and face the day. I am aware this sounds lazy but it works for me.

As long as it works for you then that's all that matters. I have to do everything really quickly in the morning so the cats can get fed and so I can get my morning routine over with asap because I just hate it so much. I'm telling myself that 9am is acceptable and I HAVE to be out of bed at that time, but I want to change that to 8am like I was managing before.

Would your evening routine allow you to go to bed an hour earlier? Maybe your body just needs that extra sleep at the moment. And I know you struggle in the evenings so maybe by making the evening an hour shorter it might be better for you.

There's no rule about what time you should be up. Maybe, if you want to, try 8.30 for a while?

I don't want to go to bed earlier because I'm sure I'd still stay in bed till 9am anyway and I can't be losing another hour. I'll just have to try and force myself. (Let's not talk about this any more I'm hate the topic).

Thank you for your replies though.

That's ok, this thread is for you.