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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 27-08-2017 02:20 PM

Thanks. I 100% want to kill myself right now but don't have the mental energy to think of something foolproof. I don't see the point in phoning crisis because no one will take me seriously because I have no concrete plan to kill myself. Things are just not getting better and I have already struggled with my mental health for most of my life so I can't see anything ever improving. I only got out of bed just after 1pm, I fail at being a human. I just need to focus and find a way to die.

Sketchy 27-08-2017 05:09 PM

Please stay safe. Try phoning crisis. You might get to speak to someone who will help give you support. I know they sometimes seem useless at times, but there are good ones. I've had helpful crisis members and hopefully you will too.
Could you phone your brother? Spend some time with him to keep you safe?

one_step_closer 27-08-2017 06:57 PM

The CMHT crisis team are finished for the day, the voluntary crisis team are on till 10pm but I don't know if I can find the words to talk to anyone. I'm maybe going to write something for my CPN but I'm almost certain that there will be nothing she can do to help. Me and my brother don't really do talking on the phone. He's not doing too well himself right now so even more than usual I am reluctant to burden him. Things are just hopeless, I can't think of anything that I can add to my life that will change things and I don't want to keep feeling this way over and over again every day. I need a sure method of death, that's all.

Sketchy 27-08-2017 07:01 PM

Writing something down for your cpn is a good idea. Tell her what you have told us.

Please keep fighting these thoughts, because we need you here.

I wish I had words that would help. I am sorry you are in pain, but I hope it gets better.

one_step_closer 27-08-2017 07:02 PM

Thank you. I've put a reminder in my phone for 9pm to write something for my CPN. There seems to be no quick fix or even a slow fix as I have been in this battle for the majority of my life.

Sketchy 27-08-2017 07:08 PM

Is there something you can do to get you through the night, like watching your favourite programs? I know that seems unhelpful, but even the littlest change can be beneficial.
You write very well, so I hope your cpn takes on board everything you write. Maybe you could have a think as to what you think may help, or even what doesn't help and write that too.

one_step_closer 27-08-2017 07:25 PM

To be honest nothing is catching my attention right now, I just watch things because they're piling up and the catch up TV ones will be deleted eventually. I'll most likely be ok tonight anyway. Don't expect anything to come from my appointment with my CPN but I'll write something because I find it easier to explain how I am in written words than just speaking at the time.

one_step_closer 28-08-2017 08:22 PM

My CPN said she will show my psychiatrist what I have written and see what he suggests, but she said it's hard to get a hold of him and I honestly don't think he will offer anything more. I still don't know what he thinks about the possibility of me having regular psych ward admissions either and I'm not likely to have an appointment with him soon.

I'm going to a first aid course on Wednesday, it lasts for 6 hours, and I'm dreading it. 6 hours of having to focus, having to socialise, probably not being able to do anything that I'm asked to do. I'm also meeting up with someone who I met in hospital on Friday and I don't want to do that either. I can't win with myself.

UnanimousAnonymous 29-08-2017 10:47 AM

I really hope the psychiatrist offers you more support. I can relate to everything you have said, you write it so well so I hope he listens.
Good luck at the first aid course, it will be exhausting and hard work but you will have achieved something!

Zurg 29-08-2017 07:55 PM

about the first aid course, the important thing is not that everything goes perfectly. The important thing is to actually go and attempt to try and break this terrible spell of negative thoughts that have spiralled out of control. So what if you can't concentrate for the entire time??? So what if you can't socialise all the time either??? And screw it, if you feel you can't do all that you're told to do!!!! Just try to go anyway. To win this battle, or to at leats get some respite, requires fighting back. Breaking a routine is a good thing. Going a bit beyond your comfort zone is a good thing. Attempting to go against your every instinct that is screaming "I can't do this!!!", is a good thing.

I know it's hard. Things like this are never easy. But please try to go because it will be a good thing you did just for yourself. And you need every small victory.

Don't worry about everything going perfectly okay when you go. Just don't let your fears and your negative thoughts stop you from doing this. Because it is so easy to give in every time, and then the world just becomes increasingly smaller.

I believe in you!!!! :DANCE:

one_step_closer 29-08-2017 08:48 PM

Thank you both.

one_step_closer 29-08-2017 09:55 PM

I need someone here with me :sad: I miss my psychologist. I need more than a quick chat with my CPN once a week if she has time. I can't think of anything else that I could try. It helps sometimes to be in hospital but I can't be on an acute ward if I'm not acutely unwell. I want to destroy myself. I want to go to the bridge and just jump off. Maybe I should go to the bridge to talk to the men (who go in and out of my head) they might be able to offer me some guidance. Life is not for me. I have destroyed my brother's life and I am increasingly worried about him. I deserve to be punished and maybe this suffering is my punishment.

one_step_closer 30-08-2017 08:16 PM

I nearly didn't bother getting out of bed for the first aid course. Turns out it wasn't even on today anyway, I didn't get a confirmation of the location and when I phoned them they said someone would phone me within 24 hours. I went to one of the locations where it was last time but they said it wasn't there. I chose a 4pm course because I can't get up on time for 9.30am but they keep cancelling the 4pm courses.

There's nothing I have to offer in life, nothing I can do to make things better for my brother. It's partly my fault that he's depressed and anxious and I can't change the past. I can't change bad decisions I made as a child and teenager that affected him negatively. I have to end my existence. Go to the bridge and speak to the men and see if they will guide me or just jump off the bridge. Nothing is ever going to get better because it has just been getting worse all these years. I am a curse, evil. I don't want to see one more second of this life.

sherlock holmes 31-08-2017 05:53 PM

I really hope you didnt go to the bridge. Would it help to be under the crisis team for a while? Is there any option of you going to a longer term unit to receive actual therapy (eg DBT) for 6 months or so. Acute wards are only really useful to keep you safe in the short term. Maybe going to a unit for inpatient therapy could really help?

Sketchy 31-08-2017 06:41 PM

Are you safe? How are you now? I hope you are ok and I'm sorry things are so difficult.

one_step_closer 31-08-2017 08:53 PM

Thank you both. I'm doing my best to stay away from the bridge but I have a lot of anxieties about going there anyway, I don't want to drive there because it's hard to get to the bit next to the bridge if there is traffic behind and I don't want to get the bus there because it's near enough in the middle of nowhere and I worry that people will wonder what I'm doing although there are some houses nearby hence the bus stop. There are trees behind the bridge where I can talk to the men and prepare myself to jump off so that when I get to the side of the bridge on the road I can jump quickly so no one sees me hanging around.

There are 2 crisis teams in my area, one with the CMHT (called extended hours) which is only available until 6.30 on weekdays and 4.30 on weekends and one voluntary one which is available until 10pm every night. The CMHT one usually does an initial assessment then gets the voluntary one to do the support. What is offered is almost always phone calls and I really hate talking on the phone. They have visited me to talk face to face before but I get so anxious and dread them coming so I'd rather not have that. I used to know everyone on the voluntary team but a lot of people have left and new people have started. It might be a good thing to talk to someone new and get a fresh perspective but I just don't feel able to do it right now. My CPN said to phone her if I need to and if she's not there I can ask to speak to someone on extended hours. I always end up needing someone when only the voluntary crisis team are working or after everyone has finished. I'm going to the gym with a support assistant tomorrow but won't really be able to tell her how I'm feeling because we'll be focusing on the gym as a distraction.

I don't think I'm unwell enough to be considered for funding for a specialist unit. I know there's usually an in between well and unwell where people are suited for inpatient therapy but I don't think I meet the criteria and I don't feel comfortable asking. If it was an option someone on my team surely would have suggested it.

Sketchy 31-08-2017 09:29 PM

I'm glad you are doing your best to stay away from the bridge. Could you try phoning your cpn next time she's available? Tell her what you have told us?

I understand what you mean about phone calls. I struggle with them too, but maybe phoning crisis or out of hours is worth a try. As you say you may get a fresh perspective.

one_step_closer 31-08-2017 09:40 PM

Thanks. I just don't know if I'd know what to say to anyone. It takes time to explain things and it's easier to write things down, that way I get to say most things I want to say. I don't feel comfortable using written prompts to help with a phone call though. I'm seeing my CPN on Tuesday, I'm lucky that she has managed to see me once a week for the past couple of weeks and I don't like to phone her because she's already giving me a lot of support. I told her that I feel like I'm taking up too much of her time and she said she doesn't feel that way and if she thought I was taking up too much time she wouldn't see me. A phone call on top of an appointment in one week would be taking up too much time I think. And again I don't know if I'd be able to explain things in a phone call. I sometimes can't even explain things face to face, writing is my best medium.

Sketchy 01-09-2017 12:54 PM

Why not write it all out for your own benefit and then it's there to give to her on Tuesday. Do you think you can wait until Tuesday? It's ok to phone her if you can't. You aren't taking up too much time.

one_step_closer 01-09-2017 07:40 PM

If I can't hold on until Tuesday I actually don't know what I can do, even though it may seem obvious, because I feel very anxious about making phone calls and trying to explain myself. The office for the voluntary crisis team is a 10 minute walk away from my house but I can't just drop in and I don't want to phone and ask if I can come down. I don't deserve support anyway, especially since my brother is suffering in silence because he says he's not a talker. I would take on every bit of his suffering if I could.

I want to do something to push myself over the edge. I don't want to keep reaching out to people to save myself. I have to take this step. I'm desperate.

Sketchy 01-09-2017 07:45 PM

You do deserve support. It's ok to reach out and we all deal with things differently.

I don't have any useful advice, but I do hope things get better for you. Take care and try be kind to yourself, because you deserve kindness.

tiptoes 03-09-2017 02:49 PM

How are you doing?

You do deserve support regardless of whether your brother is reaching out.

one_step_closer 03-09-2017 07:04 PM

Thank you both for bothering about me.

I've been reading more of my medical notes and when I was assessed in A&E in January part of what was written said 'seems cold, little rapport...some manipulative behaviour evident.' I wouldn't say I'm a cold person, I think I was just really low at that point. And there's the word manipulative again, manipulation may as well be part of the formal criteria for BPD because as soon as people know I have BPD they assume I'm being manipulative. It's very upsetting to be perceived negatively, especially when it's a wrong perception. I know the person who assessed me had never met me before but everyone ends up hating me. Things started well with my previous CPN and then she started to really dislike me and I'm so worried that this will happen with my current CPN. I am such a terrible person. I hate myself. Professionals need extra support to treat people with BPD. I must be a monster.

Maybe I should stop reading my medical notes but it matters a great deal to me how I'm being perceived, by anyone and everyone whether or not they are close to me. I only request my hospital records so I don't know what my current CPN is writing about me. She doesn't seem to be very judgemental but I have no way of knowing. The whole world is against me. I don't deserve to be alive. I am a waste of oxygen. I want to kill myself. I can't even self harm properly any more. I absolutely detest myself.

one_step_closer 04-09-2017 08:36 PM

I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow, it's likely nothing will come from it. I don't even know what I want, what it's possible to do. I'm just plodding along and I'd rather be completely self destructive. I would be if I could physically manage it because it would give me some focus and show that I am being punished. My CPN will probably not have managed to speak to my psychiatrist. Nothing is getting better and everything hurts. I really don't want to be existing like this.

Sketchy 05-09-2017 11:28 AM

I don't have much words, but I have read your posts. I hope your cpn helps, even though it feels like she can't.
I also don't believe your are manipulative. You are in distress and need help. You are a good person, and you are always kind enough and helpful to reply to people here who need it.

sherlock holmes 06-09-2017 08:42 PM

How did it go?

one_step_closer 07-09-2017 11:44 AM

It went ok. I managed to talk about how I feel judged and my CPN tried to reassure me that she's not judging me, but I don't know what she's writing in my notes. My psychiatrist came in part of the way through saying that he heard I had an appointment and he wanted to catch up with me which seems thoughtful but I'm still a bit unsure about him because he has said upsetting things to me. He asked if things are so dire that I need a few days in hospital to which I said they're not. I'm worried that in the future it will be difficult to get an admission because my psychiatrist and one of the people from the extended hours team seem to be the only people who are willing to arrange admission without me having to fight hard for it.

Thanks everyone for your continued support.

Buttons. 07-09-2017 10:19 PM

You can ask to see the jist of the notes about yourself if you want to you know. Also it is not manipulative to want people to understand just how difficult things are for you right now. And frankly, if I thought you were manipulative, I wouldn't be bothering to reply to your thread :P

one_step_closer 08-09-2017 07:04 PM

Thanks Katy, it means a lot to me that at least some people don't perceive me as being manipulative.

I've spent an awful lot of money requesting copies of my medical records over the years (in excess of 70 I think), I'd love to be able to let go of my concerns about what people think of me but, nope, I HAVE to know exactly what people are writing about me. It takes up a great deal of my time worrying about how I'm viewed.

Sketchy 11-09-2017 11:56 PM

I often worry how I'm viewed, so I can understand that.

How are things going?

one_step_closer 12-09-2017 09:02 PM

I'm doing a lot better. Managing to get up in the (late) morning has lifted my mood quite a bit. But my brother isn't doing well and I feel powerless to help him. I can deal with my own pain better than I deal with his. I feel like I shouldn't be ok if he's not. I wish I could take his pain from him and if I couldn't discard it somewhere I'd put it inside myself.

Sketchy 12-09-2017 09:17 PM

It's ok to be ok. I'm glad you are doing a lot better.
I'm sorry about your brother. It must be upsetting and difficult to feel so powerless. I'm sure you are doing what you can and I hope things get better for him.

one_step_closer 18-09-2017 04:50 PM

Feeling like crap again, but not too terrible and still getting up in the morning. Feeling alone although I'm not alone. Still seeing my CPN weekly but that changes to fortnightly after next week. I don't even deserve this support. I'm just over 2 weeks self harm free but don't think I'm going to last much longer and to be honest I don't care. I'm surviving but missing the support of my psychologist and feeling like even support once a week from my CPN isn't enough. I should grow up and stand on my own two feet.

one_step_closer 18-09-2017 07:05 PM

So suicidal. Linkin Park have released an official video for their single One More Light in memory of Chester and I can't stop thinking about how he died and how absolutely awful the experience must have been. So many people kill themselves. Life hurts. Good things are brief in my life, I'm tired of fighting. I just want to hurt myself really badly and then self destruct.

Sketchy 19-09-2017 08:01 PM

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I hope it gets better soon. Is there anything that will help? Can you phone your cpn? Please take care.

Zurg 19-09-2017 09:25 PM

Linds, i realise that this mustall be really hard for you and that Chester's suicide must seem like a sign of sorts but i just wanted to pop in to say that even though life can be a bitch and even though people commit suicide then i really do believe that there is hope. Even when everything seems hopeless and like nothing will ever improve there still is hope.

I really do agree wit Lorraine that you should call someone when your thoughts become very dark and hopeless. I know it is a hard thing to do because we tend to keep telling ourselves thatwe are not really struggling compared to many others and we don't really deserve or need the support. But when thoughts of suicide pop up and they are not challenged then they tend to just sit and fester. And that is a really dangerous thing because before you know it they have become second nature and they seem normal.

I reallydo believe that your life has the potential to get better. It is hard for you to see the same because you have been inside the darkness for so long. But for someone else it is easier to see your poential as a person.

It is hard worrying about relatives. But it shows a lot of love as well. And the love you have for your brother is needed in this world. It always seems like suicide would be the best solution when you've been down for a long time. This is not true. It is a lie that the darkness has been feeding you for just long enough that you've stopped questioning it. Sure, suicide can be a solution but it's not a good one. It's a terrible one!!!!! For everyone.

Keep setting small goals. You have achieved one already by getting up earlier than you normally would. This is progress and it is great!!!!! Allow yourself to feel the success from this victory. Don't try to change everything at once. Then it just backfires and becomes overwhelming. Small goals, one step at a time. And praise yourself when you succeed. Don't dwell on the times when you don't but just try to see it as an opportunity to learn something about yourself.

What would you like to change/achieve as well????

one_step_closer 20-09-2017 08:22 PM

Thank you both.

I don't like to phone my CPN because it feels like I'm asking too much of her to have an appointment and a phone call with me in the same week. When it gets to the end of my appointments she always tells me to remember I can phone if I need to and if she's not there I can speak to the extended hours team but I find it very hard to get over my initial worries about making the call (which are usually that I won't know how to explain things and I will sound stupid) and as you said Kat I feel like I don't deserve the support and that things aren't serious enough anyway.

I'm so hugely concerned that my brother is following in my footsteps. It's obvious he has depression and anxiety and things just seem to get worse for him with each year that passes. I'm absolutely terrified that he will reach a crisis point and end up stuck in the mental health system like me. My concern is almost obsessional and I ruminate on it multiple times a day. I can't accept how things are in the moment, with my brother and with myself, I am always anticipating the hard times that could be just around the corner. I feel guilty about many bad decisions I made as a child and I think about them over and over again too. I know I was a child and as an adult I would make different choices but I've already caused so much crap for my brother. I continue to ruin his life when I get more unwell and end up in hospital. I'm not sure if I should ask my psychiatrist for another short admission to hospital when I see him next month, the last one seemed to work out ok and prevented a crisis point at the time. It's just hard to know when the best time is to go in as I usually end up there when I have done something to hurt myself but now I've to go in for preventative measures. I don't know when things are bad enough for me to ask for an admission.

I'm getting out of bed at 9.59am now and really feeling tired because of it. I was very tempted to stay in bed this morning but luckily I didn't. I don't know if I will ever be able to get up any earlier, it doesn't matter what I do I always think it's not good enough. I don't know what I want to change or achieve, I really have very little interest in life if any interest at all. Nothing can get better from now it can only get worse.

Sketchy 20-09-2017 08:40 PM

I'm so sorry about your brother. It must be worrying. Does he have support in place?

Don't worry too much about not being able to get up early. Sometimes you just have to adapt to what you can do. I can't get up early either due symptoms and med side effects, but I've learned to accept that. Maybe eventually you will get up early perhaps by gradually getting up earlier but by bit. But don't give yourself a hard time over it.

I can understand why you find it hard making phone calls, but that is what they are there for. Again, don't be so hard in yourself. You are deserving of the support and need it. Reach out.

one_step_closer 21-09-2017 03:52 PM

My brother doesn't have much support, I think he talks to his friends a bit but not much. He's tried counselling and didn't feel comfortable, he's been on antidepressants but stopped them quickly because of the side effects. There's a lot of pressure on him just now financially and he's having to move flat. I'm trying to do what I can for him but it's not enough.

Sketchy 21-09-2017 04:27 PM

I'm sure what you are doing is enough. You sound like a nice caring sister. Do you think he can be persuaded to speak to someone again?

How are you doing today?

one_step_closer 21-09-2017 06:31 PM

I have made a care box for him and written something too encouraging him to seek help and letting him know that I will support him to do this if he wants. We don't get to talk about things much because we always meet in town so have nowhere private to talk. I'll be able to give the things to him at some point next week I think so I'll see what his opinions are.

I am a demon. I absolutely hate myself. I destroyed lives even when I was still in the womb and I continued to do so. I wish I had never been conceived, it would have saved a lot of people a lot of pain. I'm reading the care plans and risk assessments in my hospital notes now. I am perceived negatively and I have acted in stupid ways. I can't stop requesting my hospital records even though they upset me because I need to know what people's opinions of me are. I hope that they can't refuse to let me see my notes if they know how much they upset me.

I self harmed multiple times yesterday and multiple times today but it's not enough.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Spoiler for the film The Butterfly Effect
I want to do a Butterfly Effect and go back and kill myself in the womb.

Sketchy 21-09-2017 06:42 PM

You are such a thoughtful sister. Which means you can't be a demon. I'm sorry you are feeling that way. Maybe putting aside the hospital notes would be a good idea. I know it's hard though.

Can you try contacting your cpn?

What has helped you not self harm in the past?

Sketchy 21-09-2017 06:44 PM

Also, is there anything you can do to be safe? What helps distract from these thoughts? Tell your cpn what you have said here.

one_step_closer 21-09-2017 07:36 PM


I really don't want to be safe, I want to push myself over the edge completely. I don't know how to end this life in a sure foolproof way which means I am most likely safe anyway. I might try and phone my CPN tomorrow.

Sketchy 21-09-2017 08:41 PM

Phoning your cpn is a good idea. I hope you get the help you need.

one_step_closer 22-09-2017 07:56 PM

I didn't phone my CPN. I wasn't sure if this was a bank holiday or not and I know I could have just phoned and found out if she was there but I convinced myself not to. I don't feel able to phone the voluntary crisis team tonight either, I will be fine anyway. I always am. My friend asked if I've got any planned admissions coming up, I don't know if I should ask my psychiatrist about this when I see him in a couple of weeks. If I get through the next 2 weeks and see him, which I likely will, then it will show that I'm at least coping ok i.e. I'm not dead so everyone will think I just want to be in hospital because it's so fun (sarcastic).

A while ago (don't know how long as I'm not very good at judging passing time) I noticed that one of the catches that secures the hatch to my loft isn't connected. I'm worried that someone is in my loft. My front and back doors are locked the majority of the time but if it's something other worldly like the men that is in the loft it wouldn't need the doors to be unlocked to get in. I was going to secure the hatch but if there's something up there it will get angry and make lots of noise to try and get out and I will be terrified. I don't know what to do.

Sketchy 22-09-2017 09:13 PM

Why don't you get a friend round to help you check the loft. It's probably nothing, but might be good to put your mind at ease.

Do you think you could make plans for the weekend to keep yourself distracted?

UnanimousAnonymous 22-09-2017 09:58 PM

I agree with getting someone to come round and check the loft with you so that you can then at least lock it and put your mind at rest.
I'm sorry I'm low on words at the moment but I think of you often.

one_step_closer 24-09-2017 04:46 PM

Thank you both. I only have 2 friends who could help me check and they both have MH problems and would probably become anxious/paranoid if I told them what was going on. I think I'm just going to have to secure the loft and hope for the best. I worry because I have tinnitus and cats so if there was noise I may not know if it's an abnormal noise or if it's just a change in my tinnitus or the cats.

Sketchy 25-09-2017 07:58 PM

How did you get on?
How are you feeling today?

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