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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

nonperson 18-06-2019 06:35 PM

I think that's when finding a safe alternative is the thing to do. But what that would be, I have no idea, sorry. =/

EyelinerAndCigarettes 19-06-2019 08:38 AM

bit lost for words but sending so so so many hugs your way sweet

one_step_closer 19-06-2019 02:59 PM

Thank you both.

Tomorrow I'm meeting up with my friend who used to live here but moved (back) to England. We're meeting somewhere in Scotland and she's coming just for the day to see me so I really need to make an effort. I'm pretty anxious about it because before she moved away she had been really unwell in hospital (psych) and said some very hurtful things to me. Some people might remember this because I posted about it here. She seems to be doing alright now but I can't forget what she said and I'm thinking if I do X or don't do X she's going to get pissed off with me and start being nasty again. Plus it's going to mean about 5 hours of socialising and that's a lot. But there has already been things said via text where she would have reacted badly if she was back in that unwell place and she didn't react badly this time around. I really don't hold things against her, it's just hard to forget and to feel ok-ish around her.

one_step_closer 19-06-2019 06:14 PM

I'm also anxious, anxious, anxious about the messages in my tinnitus and the dogs from the other world but there's no one really I can talk to about this.

I'm scared and everything is huge and I can't stand being so ugly and stupid. It's so hard being visible to people like this. I am a freak. I am more than uncomfortable with myself.

one_step_closer 19-06-2019 06:44 PM

Also big anxiety about fire. I don't really want to email the fire people even though they said I could, because they'll be busy and I'm just pathetic. My key worker is leaving so she can't come to the fire station with me like the fire people suggested but I don't think I'd be comfortable going with anyone else.

Soft Kitty 19-06-2019 07:27 PM

I can really understand the feeling of being too visible. I wish I could suggest something helpful but I just know how painful it is. You're not pathetic, it seems like the fire people understand your worries and want to help. It's part of their job to educate about safety and as important as putting out fires in many ways. Plus they'll probably be glad to help someone like you who is genuinely caring rather than have to deal with arson attacks and silly people much of the time!

Soft Kitty 22-06-2019 01:21 PM

How are you doing Lindsay? Sending love. Xx

EyelinerAndCigarettes 22-06-2019 01:27 PM

Also sending so much love.

one_step_closer 22-06-2019 06:26 PM

Thank you both.

It went ok with my friend. She is well now and back to the friend I used to know so it was mostly nice to see her.

I'm generally getting anxious and upset over pretty much everything and anything and it's really draining and makes the world extra scary and tough to deal with. I've been upset or anxious about things like seeing a pregnant woman cross the road, a dog sitting on the train, broken buildings, fire damage, wind turbines...I could probably sit in an empty room and find something that would upset me or make me anxious. My brain brings up things when it can't find something external to freak out about anyway. The world is very overwhelming. I feel like I need everything to disappear. I need to disappear. It's hard to cope with all of this and I wish I had someone to turn to who could offer me comfort and support. I feel very vulnerable and alone.

People put on uniforms and go to work. People have skills. People have loved ones.

I am absolutely useless.

I don't ever want those life roles either. I need to be dead. I 100% don't want to even try to live when 'normal' pressures are placed on me. I can't cope with anything. I am a terrible partial human.

My body refuses to be damaged well enough no matter what form of self harm I use.

I am increasingly concerned about lack of resources. If I ever need the emergency services as a consequence of MH stuff they will hate me. There's something big that is stuck in my mind that would need emergency services support if I could push my pathetic self to do it. I have support but I can't access it other than when I have appointments. If only I could easily pick up the phone and talk to someone helpful.

one_step_closer 23-06-2019 11:51 AM

I'm trapped here until I die.

There is no relief.

There is no solution.

Terrified.

one_step_closer 23-06-2019 06:39 PM

I seriously don't know what to do. There is absolutely no life solution. Appointments won't help, crisis team input won't help, hospital won't help, there are likely no helpful meds for me, therapy hasn't helped. I am absolutely doomed. I wish someone could help me die peacefully. I am even terrible at suicide.

The one thing I keep thinking about doing, to hurt myself and to feed the dogs, probably wouldn't be a solution either because I'd have no control over the damage and I don't want to end up alive and in a physical mess.

I've tried phoning crisis and Breathing Space but I hung up. I'm seeing my support worker from the CMHT tomorrow but I won't be able to explain anything and I feel like she belittles everything I say anyway. I have an appointment with my CPN on Tuesday but there is nothing she can do. It's scary to have no solution and just have to continue breathing. I want someone to help me die. It doesn't matter if there would have been a point in the future where I would have felt ok but obviously then couldn't feel it because I was dead. It's fine. I don't want to wait for that. I need out now. I need out in one piece so I don't add any additional burdens to my brother's life or my life. What the hell am I supposed to do?

EyelinerAndCigarettes 23-06-2019 07:14 PM

I have no words but I can relate and you're not alone in how you're feeling sweetheart, but I promise there is always hope.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 23-06-2019 09:01 PM

I was just wondering, have you ever wrote how you feel to your CPN? I did that once and it really helped me get my points accross.

one_step_closer 24-06-2019 02:14 PM

Thanks.

Yeah, I sometimes write things and give them to my CPN but I don't know how much I even manage to communicate that way.

I saw my support worker this morning and now I feel worse. When I'm suicidal I don't need to be told that it's my responsibility to keep myself safe. If I don't want to be safe then I don't have to be safe, and I wasn't trying to pass on any responsibility. It's hard being responsible for this huge mess of a being that I am. I don't know what I do need, other than someone to recognise my pain, but I know the things I don't need. She didn't hear at all that I don't want to do this any more, that there are no life options.

I'm hoping my CPN will be more responsive. I know no one can help me to die and that they all focus on life things and I know there are no life things that will help but I just want my CPN to hear me. It seems wrong to kill myself the day before an appointment with my CPN, but like I'll even be able to kill myself anyway. I'm absolutely trapped. I have no idea what to do other than I am going to have to just attempt suicide and accept whatever consequences there are if I don't die. I sound pathetic. I can't communicate my pain. I know I just look like a complaining idiot. But I am desperate. I need out.

Soft Kitty 24-06-2019 02:31 PM

You don't sound pathetic, you sound desperate, and I can completely understand why. I think you need a full blown CPA to really get people to put their heads together and think about all the options available and if anything is worth another try, or if anything new is available. Just because you've tried therapy once or different medications doesn't mean they're not options worth looking at again. I also think you deserve a clear answer any whether crisis admissions are still a thing and a clear route to accessing them given that when things are really bad, everything seems hopeless and is hard to imagine anything will help.

Sorry if that sounds blunt and I know that's all something that will be incredibly difficult to ask for, but I feel you deserve some deeper exploration from your team. Definitely not trying to imply it's your responsibility, quite the opposite. If there's a reason therapy/medication/etc isn't for now, what do they think would need to change for those things to become reasonable? How can they help you with those changes? (Rhetorical questions, not ones for you to have to answer).

Sending love.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 24-06-2019 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soft Kitty (Post 4226240)
You don't sound pathetic, you sound desperate, and I can completely understand why. I think you need a full blown CPA to really get people to put their heads together and think about all the options available and if anything is worth another try, or if anything new is available. Just because you've tried therapy once or different medications doesn't mean they're not options worth looking at again. I also think you deserve a clear answer any whether crisis admissions are still a thing and a clear route to accessing them given that when things are really bad, everything seems hopeless and is hard to imagine anything will help.


Couldn't agree more.

one_step_closer 24-06-2019 06:38 PM

Thanks.

I really don't see the point in asking for any kind of review. People put forward what ideas they think would be useful anyway and also tell me that I need to be doing what I want to do but there's nothing in life I want.

I have written something for my CPN anyway. It basically just says please help me die in various forms.

Chester Bennington is dead. Once a person now we're left with an empty space. He was hurting. He succeeded at suicide. Life can end. The world can end.

Give me something sharp enough to open myself up with and I'll bleed to death. Or do the cutting for me. I can't be trapped in this. Help me die, please. I have had enough.

I really don't want anyone to 'save' me by trying to keep me alive. I need someone to help me die. No one will believe this. I can't communicate my pain.

But it's up to me to end it. And I'm going to have to take that responsibility. And to end it I will need to cause trauma to other people which I don't want to do but I can't think of a surer suicide method and I can't wait until night time. I'm not going to do anything today anyway.

Soft Kitty 24-06-2019 06:53 PM

Could you tell your CPN you're actively suicidal with a plan? I feel like she really needs to know that.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 24-06-2019 07:18 PM

I agree, could you write in the note/letter you are planning something? That's something she does need to know quite urgently.

tamobhuuta 24-06-2019 07:48 PM

I agree with the others, you need to tell your person this.

one_step_closer 25-06-2019 02:35 PM

Thanks.

Might be going into hospital at some point this week. There are no beds at the moment.

Tired, tired, tired.

tamobhuuta 25-06-2019 03:14 PM

I'm glad they're looking for a bed.

Would having a nap help?

EyelinerAndCigarettes 25-06-2019 05:37 PM

I'm glad to hear from you today, how did it go, was your CPN supportive?
How you feeling re addmission?
x

one_step_closer 25-06-2019 05:39 PM

Napping isn't something I'm able to do. Plus I don't want to mess up my sleep.

Every second is unbearable. I'm seeing my CPN again tomorrow morning but there is so much time to get through, and the appointment will be pointless. If there is even going to be a bed my CPN thinks it won't be until the end of the week. So either a really long wait or it will never happen. Even if there is a bed someone else will be more important than me. I wish a bed would become available quickly. It's hard to keep going. I don't want to continue this fight yet here I am. I am trapped.

Just listening to the clock ticking. This time is too much. A whole lifetime is too much. I don't want it.

There were points where I felt like walking away this morning rather than waiting for my appointment. There is just so much waiting. So, so much.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 25-06-2019 05:46 PM

Understand the napping situation.

I'm hopeful the bed will happen and I'm really glad you got to the appointment and waited it out that shows a lot of courage and you should be proud of yourself as hard as that is right now.

Are you safe tonight?

Buttons. 25-06-2019 06:06 PM

Waiting can be so so frustrating. Although it is not a solution I find having something to do with my hands e.g a fidget spinner or something can help reign the anxiety etc in just enough to wait it out forever I'm waiting for. Sorry not much other advice right now. Thinking of you though lovely.

Stellata 25-06-2019 07:00 PM

I hope that you get the bed as soon as possible. Take gentle care of yourself. You are worth it, even if you don't feel it right now.

Soft Kitty 25-06-2019 07:17 PM

*Sits with you*. I hope they find you a bed soon. Xx

one_step_closer 26-06-2019 02:27 PM

Thanks everyone.

It's hard to just keep going but I don't really have much choice. I'm finding it difficult to keep myself occupied, things are either too stimulating or not stimulating enough, or too hard to focus on, or make me anxious, etc.

I saw my CPN today and there are still no beds, she's off next week and has planned for another nurse to continue with the calls to see about the bed situation. I'm really hoping I don't have to get through the weekend at home. Although hospital will probably be extra shit too, I'll just be transferring myself to another environment. There is no way to win. My CPN said I'm definitely getting a bed anyway.

I managed to go to Tesco for cat stuff. Also had to get some small junk food type things because I keep making simple meals/toast/cereal and then just chucking them in the bin. I don't really want to be eating junk but my CPN said to try that rather than eating nothing. I'm glad there are self service checkouts at Tesco so I wasn't judged for my unhealthy purchases.

A cat sitting lady should be able to check in on my cats but at the moment my neighbours seem to be away and they have my spare key. I'm not keen on leaving my cats, they are quite clingy and needy with just me rather than other people. I hope they will be ok. Also my house isn't the cleanest at the moment so it will be embarrassing having someone come in, but maybe I can slowly work through cleaning stuff.

This life is seriously pointless. I will likely get through this crisis point but every day is such a struggle anyway and then the crisis points come back. There is no way out.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 27-06-2019 07:28 AM

Sorry, it's taken me so long to reply to this - how are you feeling today?

Going to Tesco is a huge accomplishment and I'm proud. I can understand the fears of leaving your cat(s) but cats are pretty resilient and independent - of course they'll miss you but I'm pretty sure they will be OK and you can look forward to lots of cat cuddles when you're out and hopefully feeling a bit better.

x

one_step_closer 27-06-2019 04:14 PM

Thanks.

I'm trying to focus on getting through each day and also keep a focus on the fact that there is a plan in place that is being worked towards but it all feels so pointless. My CPN phoned today and said my psychiatrist is on the ward tomorrow and he's going to let them know that I need a bed asap and keep pushing for it. I'm kind of worried that I will be taking a bed when someone else needs it more. I am doing absolutely shit right now and people can see that but at the same time I don't feel like I am worthy of any form of support. I can't get better so what's the point?

I managed to go to the gym group and we went for a walk. I had to wear short sleeves and I was so anxious and upset on the bus. I hate people even looking at me briefly when my arms are covered. I feel vulnerable as it is and if I have to wear short sleeves then of course people are going to look. I have to go and see my CPN tomorrow and I'm wishing I still had my car so I could avoid going on the bus.

I am sick of being a huge burden of a partial human.

tamobhuuta 27-06-2019 07:52 PM

You are a complete beautiful person. Your psych obviously things you need a bed so try not to feel guilty.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 28-06-2019 06:34 AM

Focusing one day at a time is a good way of looking at things, even if you need to focus on 1 hour at a time at least you're focusing and carrying on and that honestly takes so much courage.

Good luck with your CPN today and fingers crossed for a bed soon. You do need and deserve one as much as anyone else, sweet.

x

one_step_closer 28-06-2019 01:52 PM

Thanks.

It sounds like my team are really pushing for me to get a bed. My CPN phoned the ward again this morning with my psychiatrist in the background in case they didn't take her seriously enough. My psychiatrist is on the ward this afternoon and is going to have a meeting with the ward manager. My name is on the board for the next bed anyway. I actually don't understand why they're bothering so much since I'm obviously safe enough. This is my first admission since I've been seeing my current CPN and current psychiatrist though so maybe they are just different from the others. My current CPN has definitely been the must supportive and useful CPN I've seen and I think a lot of the reason I've managed out of hospital for longer than usual is because my CPN has been great. I told her and she said this is the way care is supposed to be and that she's sorry if I haven't experienced good care in the past.

I gave the cat sitter a key last night. She seems nice enough but I was scared of her. It's 10 per visit and I was hoping for 2 visits per day but I think with the cost I'm going to have to settle for 1 visit. I'm worried about how the cats will manage. I don't know if it would be worse for them being at home and waiting for me to come home and I don't come home for days, if they were in the cattery at least they wouldn't be expecting me.

I just really can't be bothered with life. I wish I had an off switch. I don't want to breathe any more but suicide doesn't feel totally achievable to me. I wish I had never been born.

one_step_closer 28-06-2019 07:11 PM

I am just truly, deeply, genuinely sorry for existing. I know people kind of don't understand, since they like me and I do good things, but I'm still sorry for everything I take up while being alive. I can recognise the good things I do but I hate myself so hugely.

When I was sitting in the waiting area in the health centre today a couple of nurses passed by separately and even though I wasn't looking at them and they could have snuck past they both said hi. It upset me because I am a person that exists enough to be perceived and also because I don't deserve a hello.

It seems wrong. Hospital. All this for me, especially since I've been safe so far. My CPN said it's part of my treatment plan. But hospital is a big thing and should be reserved for emergencies and for better people. The staff will be wondering why I'm waiting for a bed and will feel like I definitely don't need it and if there is an emergency they will hate me for taking up a bed.

My CPN said that although she believes I'm a good person and can get better etc she understands why I want to die because of the way I experience things. That she has thought, maybe death would be better than what I go through. It was 'nice' to have that understanding and acknowledgement.

I'm never going to be ok because I can't make things ok for my brother.

I can't take a lifetime of this.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 28-06-2019 07:22 PM

*cuddles* I'm sorry you're hurting so much, I know it doesn't feel like it but there is some hope out there for you.

The nurses at the hospital won't hate you, their job is to take care of you and your wellbeing; they are not the ones who decide who goes in and out of hospital that's your physiatrists decision and as you said they are pushing for a bed pretty fast which means - yes you do need and deserve this bed.

one_step_closer 28-06-2019 07:25 PM

Thank you.

Most of the nurses in the ward are really lovely but two of them in particular hate me (I'm not imagining this because they have basically said it and wrote horrible things in my notes). This is a big reason why my CPN has worked so hard to keep me out of hospital.

It's so hard to be kind to myself. I want to completely beat myself up physically. I am definitely not sorry for the things I do contribute to other people that are good but I am sorry for existing. There is a massive ball of emotional agony inside of me.

nonperson 28-06-2019 07:28 PM

I'm not sure I have anything helpful to contribute but want to say I'm thinking of you. Hope something gets sorted soon. <3

one_step_closer 28-06-2019 07:30 PM

Thank you NP.

tamobhuuta 28-06-2019 08:28 PM

Leaving love and hugs

one_step_closer 28-06-2019 10:43 PM

Thanks.

Really don't know what to do. The men have sent the dogs yet again. How do I determine what damage a fall would do to my body? From all the medical programmes I've watched I know that some people can fall from a small height and get injured and some people can fall from really high up and not be injured, or the other way around. It does look like quite a fall and not onto anything soft. Maybe a smaller fall would satisfy them, I don't know. Totally shouldn't be out of bed right now. I'm terrified of messing up my sleep routine so usually just lie in bed forever doing nothing until I get some sleep hours later. But felt I had to get this out. And I don't even know. And what the fuck is the point in anything?

Shut up idiot.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 29-06-2019 05:47 AM

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Hoping today will be slightly easier for you even by a minuscule.

x

tamobhuuta 29-06-2019 10:03 AM

I've had the same question. I think it's best for both of us if we don't jump.

one_step_closer 29-06-2019 01:00 PM

Thanks.

I'm totally sick of all of this. Was a hard night, safe though and that's all that people think matters. I saw the duty CPNs this morning and mostly put on a face. I wasted my chance to be honest. They're glad I'm not self harming, think that means I'm ok. I'm already wondering if I do need a hospital bed but they made me question it more. They did say my CPN knows me best and she was concerned enough to want me to get a bed asap but things might have changed since then. I don't know. I feel weird and I just want out. It doesn't matter if I go into hospital or not, it's all just a pointless waste of time. Nothing is going to change for the better.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 29-06-2019 08:20 PM

I'm very glad to hear you managed to stay safe last night, that must have taken a lot of strength. *hugs* Do you feel things have changed since you spoke to your CPN? If you're still having the same feelings and thoughts, things haven't changed. The duty CPNs are right in the sense that she/he knows you better and is in charge of your care, she knows what's best and yes you do need/deserve that bed. I hope it comes soon for you, it must be an anxious wait.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 30-06-2019 12:24 PM

How are you doing, lovely?

one_step_closer 30-06-2019 02:54 PM

Thanks.

I did something that the men told me to do yesterday to start to remove part of the ??? non human part inside me and it pretty much zonked me. I sat outside in the rain for about an hour to feed the dogs. I had quite a good sleep last night though. Feeling tired today but have managed to do housework. Need to wake up a bit in my head because I have some research to do. I don't know how long the disappearance will take or if I will even disappear completely. I really should get myself out of here in one whole chunk.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 30-06-2019 04:13 PM

Have you seen a CPN today atall? If so, have you explained what happened last night and how you're feeling today?
Well done on the housework, that must have taken some serious energy out of you, do you have any restful safe plans for tonight atall?
x

one_step_closer 02-07-2019 04:17 PM

Still no beds. Probably don't need one anyway.

Pointless continued breathing because I can't seem to stop.

There is absolutely no way out of this. Except death, of course.

Pointless, pointless, life.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 02-07-2019 06:12 PM

What makes you think you don't need a bed? Would you say the same thing to someone else in your position?


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