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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 17-07-2017 08:16 PM

Thank you. The phone call went ok, I spoke to someone who I get on quite well with and was just telling her how I've come back here (RYL) and joined another forum and am trying to support people and get support myself which has been useful. She told me to look at myself objectively and see that I am kind and worthy. I can cope right now but am so worried about what the next second may bring and I can't stop thinking about it.

Sketchy 17-07-2017 08:22 PM

That's good you spoke to someone you get on well with. It makes all the difference.

It is good you are back here and getting the support you need. It's also good you are supporting others, but of course it's ok to look after yourself too.

I know it's hard not to think about what happens next. Could you maybe come up with a plan that helps you when things get bad? Like a list of things that may help?

one_step_closer 17-07-2017 08:33 PM

It's just that I painfully remember the excruciating emotions I have been feeling recently and how nothing was easing them, I had to put up with them. They are on and off but mostly on recently and it's scary because nothing I usually try to cope with things makes them any better. I can't think of any new things to try because talking and distractions are really two main things.

Sketchy 17-07-2017 08:37 PM

I understand. I wish I had answers. But remember that you do eventually get through it and there are people who will support you through it. I know that doesn't particularly help just now.

one_step_closer 17-07-2017 08:42 PM

Thanks. It's important that I try to remember that things do ease eventually. But in the moment it seems like the first time I have felt that bad and like I will never get through it.

Sketchy 17-07-2017 08:48 PM

I know what you mean. It's such a horrible feeling to have. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to help yourself. You are being super strong, because lets face it, this is incredibly difficult, so give yourself credit for that.

Do you have anything planned to do while things are a bit better? Maybe pampering yourself or curling up on the sofa to watch a favourite program?

one_step_closer 17-07-2017 09:14 PM

Thank you. I don't know what I'm going to do tonight. I'm finding that I don't enjoy anything and it's hard to focus on things.

Sketchy 17-07-2017 09:23 PM

Maybe just have an early night. I find going for a sleep helpful. Sometimes you just need to rest and ride it out. When things improve you will be able to enjoy things again. In the meantime take it easy and be kind to yourself.

one_step_closer 18-07-2017 08:33 PM

Everything feels so utterly hopeless. I've put some things in place for the future despite how I've been feeling - like signing up for a first aid course, applying for a job, joining a jogging group, enquiring about volunteering - but this is what I do to make it look like I'm moving forward. Nothing ever feels good and I often fail to do things because I'm so anxious or low. My mood gets in the way of everything. The sharp emotional pain is mostly gone, for now, but I'm back to having to deal with the ache of living like this.

Sketchy 18-07-2017 09:58 PM

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. It's good you are making plans for the future even though it seems so difficult. Like I said before, you are doing all the right things. I wish I had useful advice, but I am thinking of you. Keep talking and keep reaching out.

one_step_closer 19-07-2017 06:22 PM

Thanks. I don't want to keep just going through the process of living but getting nothing positive from it. It doesn't matter what I add to my life it never makes me feel good.

Serendipity. 19-07-2017 07:20 PM

I'm sorry you're struggling so much at the moment. It's so hard to keep going when it all feels so awful and pointless, so I think it shows how strong you are that you have managed to do that. When was the last time you did feel better?

EMH 19-07-2017 08:02 PM

ive just read through your thread. im sorry things have been rough recently. completely agree how hard it is with BPD and getting people to understand just how hard it is. I stopped seeing a treatment team once because they just discounted everything i said, pretty sure because of BPD they just assumed I was being dramatic and it was just words. They just dont get how hard it is not to make them into actions.
I hope youre feeling a bit better today, and your team are being helpful

one_step_closer 19-07-2017 08:17 PM

Thank you both. I felt better towards the end of my last spell in hospital which was in May, the feeling didn't last because when I got back home everything was just the same as it always has been and I started struggling again. When I'm in hospital there is more support and also less expectations and when I am discharged I realise I'm achieving nothing at home and I feel low again.

I am feeling suicidal but in an achey way rather than a sharp way tonight, at least it's not so hard to deal with. I hold on for my brother but I am tired of suffering. I can't even do some of the self harming behaviours that I used to do which gave me a bit of a break before, it's just actually physically difficult if not impossible for me to do some of these things and I miss doing them. I desperately need respite.

EMH 19-07-2017 09:36 PM

yeah, hospital is so different and its a shame there isnt a part way between the low expectations and high support of hospital setting and being at home with all the memories and associations to feelings etc.
i know how you mean its achey and not sharp.
could you maybe try and do some self soothing stuff where you look after yourself, maybe it would help take away self harm thoughts. sometimes i take a long bath and take my time over everything and it feels relaxing. although other times it triggers me so i dont know what is helpful to you, but just trying to give an example

Serendipity. 19-07-2017 10:06 PM

It's great that there was a time you felt better. I know that it's probably really frustrating that that didn't last when you got home, but it does show that you do have the potential to feel better - so although things seem hopeless right now, maybe they won't always.

When you say that you're achieving 'nothing', I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. You're not achieving nothing. You're in so much pain, and yet you're still here, you carry on getting through each day. I always see you posting pics of your cats and it seems like you take really good care of them. I know it's incredibly hard to keep doing these things, but you deserve to give yourself some credit for it. It's not nothing, it's huge.

What is it about the support in hospital that helps? Sorry, I know that probably sounds like a really silly question! But if you can break it down a bit we might be able to help you think of other ways to achieve the same result.

one_step_closer 19-07-2017 10:45 PM

Thanks again. I really appreciate the support I have been receiving here.

I'm pretty rubbish at self soothing, I usually need to reach out to someone for support in order to feel a bit better. I think that's one of the things that I value in hospital, that I can usually have supportive face to face contact with someone most days. What I'm relying on at home is phone calls and I haven't been managing to talk about things a lot because I'm anxious on the phone.

I don't even know what I want to be achieving. My psychologist is going to use our last sessions to try and figure out what my values are, maybe being able to point to things that I could be doing with my life that I would find fulfilling. I'm trying to hold on to the hope that it will be helpful but my emotions get in the way of everything. Plus I really don't want my psychology sessions to end because they are something I hold on for, for me. I don't think my psychologist would consider giving me longer term therapy though, we have spoken about it before. I'm worried about how I'll cope without seeing him. I have had a period where I was discharged from psychology before and I coped ok but I knew I was ready for it at that point.

tiptoes 19-07-2017 11:10 PM

Are there any groups you could go to? For a bit of supportive human contact.

I agree with the others you are achieving so much by waking each morning and continuing the fight, it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination and I truly hope you start to get some respite for your hard work.

one_step_closer 20-07-2017 04:19 PM

Thanks. I was supposed to start going to a craft group and a gym group but couldn't motivate myself to get up on time for them because I'm not really interested. I know I might benefit from going it's just that I really struggle to get out of bed even sometimes when there are things I want to be doing.

Sketchy 20-07-2017 06:23 PM

I know what you mean. I struggle to get out of bed and struggle to motivate myself. I find it easier to go by my mood and if I'm not up to it, then I don't. However, my OT says I should not go by my mood and try things because it will help in the long run. It's hard but maybe you could give it a try. What about setting yourself small attainable goals, like attending one group, then rewarding yourself afterwards. I wish I knew how to make motivation easy. I appreciate how difficult it is.

one_step_closer 20-07-2017 08:30 PM

I schedule most things for the afternoon, usually after 1pm I will definitely make it to things. My support worker has arranged for me to have support to go to the gym at 2.30 on Tuesdays for 6 weeks and then I think he'll want me to go to the group.

Chester Bennington has killed himself. Linkin Park are my favourite band and have been throughout my teenage years. It's very sad and I feel like if he can't hold on then how can I? My brother is upset by the news and I'm worried about him because I don't want him to feel anything bad. He said Linkin Park have helped him through a lot, it's distressing to think that my brother has been through difficult things. One of my major triggers is bad things happening to my brother so I'm feeling a bit low and vulnerable.

Sketchy 20-07-2017 08:44 PM

I'm so sorry about Chester Bennington. And I'm sorry your brother is also suffering because of this.
Thinking of you.

one_step_closer 21-07-2017 09:23 PM

Yes, it's very sad. My brother tried to reassure me last night that his upset is normal and that many other people are upset too. He was worried about me because of how I relate to the band and wanted to make sure I was ok. A big part of me wishes he didn't care about me because then it would be easier for me to kill myself.

I saw my psychiatrist today and he's going to increase my Fluoxetine but I don't have any hope that it will help. He said I can have three days in hospital any time I think I need it which is a bit reassuring but my CPN only wants me to go to my local hospital so if I'm struggling again and there are no beds there I will be on my own with the stabbing suicidal pain again.

Sketchy 21-07-2017 09:29 PM

I hope the med change helps.

It's good that your brother cares for you. We all need someone to look out for us. And if it helps keep you safe then that's good too, because you won't always feel like this. Keep talking and keep your cpn updated on everything so you can get the help you need.

one_step_closer 22-07-2017 08:52 PM

My CPN is on holiday until the 31st July and I think if my psychiatrist thought I should go into hospital now he would have said. Because I'm not so acutely distressed any more hospital probably wouldn't be considered, but saying that I'm supposed to be trying to have shorter times in hospital before I get to a crisis point to try and prevent it happening. I'll be ok at home for now anyway. Life is just hurting me at the moment.

Juella 23-07-2017 03:57 AM

I think the idea of going to the hospital before you're in crisis to prevent it is a very good one. It's really worth considering. But if you're sure you'll be okay at home for now, then that's very good news and you might not go just now. Anyway, I'm really sorry you're still in pain.

one_step_closer 24-07-2017 10:40 PM

I actually wish I was in hospital right now, I'm really struggling and can't phone anyone. I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow but I don't want to say to him that I think I need to go into hospital for a short time because I'm not entirely unsafe right now and I don't know his beliefs on when I should be admitted to hospital. It would of course have to go through my psychiatrist or a CPN. I just don't want to end up back in the place I was a couple of weeks ago. I worry so much about what other people think about me so I don't know if I feel able to mention this to anyone in case they think I just want to be in hospital for a laugh or something. My psychiatrist said I can go into hospital for 3 days any time I want but I don't know if he really meant that and what my psychologist and CPN think about that. I find it hard to ask for what I need. I don't know if I will find the courage to say anything tomorrow.

Buttons. 24-07-2017 10:51 PM

Could you perhaps write it down, as you say you find it hard to ask for what you need? You deserve to be heard, in whatever medium you find most comfortable.

sherlock holmes 25-07-2017 03:03 PM

Your psychiatrist wouldnt have told you that if he didnt mean it. I think you should ask for the 3 day admission as it sounds like you do need it. Hope it goes well with your psychologist.

one_step_closer 25-07-2017 05:19 PM

Thanks. I told my psychologist how I'm feeling and he phoned the crisis team who phoned me later on. I said to my psychologist that I don't want to go into hospital so the crisis team had that information but told me that it is an option. I've to get a call from the place where my support worker is from tonight and I've to phone the crisis team tomorrow. My CPN is back from her time off on Monday and is going to phone me. I'm worried because right now I think I can hold on but when I was with my psychologist, and many other times, I have felt so desperate and unsafe and that's bound to come back. I'm meeting up with my brother tomorrow and I had plans to do something serious after that, just to meet up with him one last time. I don't know if going into hospital will help because it's for such a short time - I think I'm allowed up to a week but probably wouldn't be in as long as that.

I'm sad because I only have one session left with my psychologist. We won't be exploring my values and how I can move forward in my life because I have wasted the two sessions when we were supposed to start doing this. I really wish my sessions weren't ending. A lot of the time they're the only thing I hold on for, for me.

Sketchy 25-07-2017 09:55 PM

Remember hospital is an option and your doctor has said so too. Keep talking to your team. They are there to support you through this and keep you safe. Are you safe just now? I promise it will get better, but maybe you need help to get you through this.

Could you ask for more time with your psychologist? Or ask to speak to someone else. Perhaps it's worth talking about it with your cpn.

one_step_closer 25-07-2017 10:24 PM

I'm going to try and mention to my brother tomorrow when we meet up that hospital is being talked about as a planned admission to prevent a crisis admission, that way he hopefully won't be too worried if I do have to be admitted for a little while. Although I think he will worry that it will turn into a longer admission. I was talking to my psychologist about how I don't know when I should go into hospital because I have only ever ended up in hospital after I have hurt myself or came close to it. He said maybe now's the right time to go in. I don't know how to say to someone that I'm willing to try it because it doesn't seem as simple as just asking if I can be admitted, there must be some catch. Surely I'll be told that I've kept myself safe and they'll think I just want to be admitted because I enjoy it or something. I know lots of people have suggested hospital but after that I've always been safe. I don't really know what to do. I'd have to get the lady from the cattery to pick up my cats too and I don't know when she'd be able to do that so I may not be able to be admitted on a day when there is a bed for me and when I get the cats sorted the bed may no longer be available. Everything is such a hassle. Nothing is going to change for the better anyway, things hurt too much.

It was agreed when I came out of hospital in May that I'd only have a set number of sessions left with my psychologist and I don't think that's going to change. He said I can be re referred after three months have passed.

Sorry, this has been a long post.

Juella 25-07-2017 11:05 PM

That's a good idea to talk to your brother. I think if he'll understand that you aren't admitted because you're in a crisis, he wouldn't worry too much.
I really don't think anyone would think you want to be admitted because you enjoy it. Of course, they prioritize people that are unsafe, but you don't have to be in a crisis to ask for an admission!

one_step_closer 26-07-2017 05:48 PM

I met with my support worker in the afternoon to go for a walk and mentioned that I was thinking of taking up the hospital offer. Although she has only met me twice she said she doesn't think I need to be in hospital and that I am the same as when we last met, which isn't true. I was supposed to phone the extended hours team but she said she would speak to them for me and get someone to talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow. She phoned later on saying someone from the extended hours team will phone me tomorrow. She'll have said something to make them think I'm ok and just trying to get attention or something. She told me I don't have problems talking on the phone because I called her back when she left a message. She was very dismissive of everything I was saying. I said I'd try and stay safe tonight (the crisis team are going to visit me) but I only said I would do that because I was holding on to see what my psychiatrist says but maybe no one is planning on talking to him now that the support worker has spoken to the extended hours team. She asked me if I overdose as a cry for help which upset me because she just wasn't getting it.

I've arranged for my cats to go to the cattery tonight in case I'm admitted tomorrow because the lady can't pick them up tomorrow but I'm doubtful that I will be admitted. I've given everything my best shot, played by their rules by saying I feel unsafe rather than just letting everything get so bad that I attempt suicide or something. My support worker may have now made things so I won't get the help that was planned.

Sketchy 26-07-2017 07:14 PM

I'm sorry your support worker was dismissive. That must have been upsetting and not at all helpful.

Could you phone out of ours or crisis yourself? Or even phone your psychiatrist?

one_step_closer 26-07-2017 07:37 PM

I really, really worry about people judging me negatively and I fear she may have poisoned people against me, and people already have negative and wrong views about me just because I have BPD. I can't take back whatever she has said to the extended hours team, they will be likely to take her opinion over mine. I'm sick of trying to live through all of this pain though so maybe it's better I don't end up in hospital. A short admission probably won't be useful anyway. I spoke to my brother a little, didn't tell him how I'm feeling but said that a planned admission may be on the cards, he was worried that I won't be admitted and something bad will happen to me and the police will phone him (he has been phoned by the police twice when I have been unsafe or missing from hospital). I don't want to put him through this, I can't keep living this way so I need to die.

Sketchy 26-07-2017 07:58 PM

Lovely keep fighting because we need you here! I'm so sorry you are feeling this bad.

Could you phone someone and tell them what you have said here? Hers is just one opinion. There are other people who can help you. Could you maybe spend some time with your brother? Would that keep you safe?

one_step_closer 26-07-2017 08:07 PM

Thank you.

The crisis team are going to phone me at 9 (not the CMHT crisis team). They were supposed to be coming to see me at 8 but the cattery lady is coming between 8 and half 8 so I phoned them to let them know and I spoke to them briefly. I didn't really mention my worries about not going into hospital just that I don't know what's for the best. I was advised that whatever their decision they have my best interests at heart but I honestly don't think that everyone does. There is such a stigma surrounding BPD and I can't shake it off, I was treated so much better before this diagnosis when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Now I'm constantly being thrown the attention seeking card and people expect me to be a really angry and manipulative person when in reality I am not. One of the traits of BPD I don't have is problems with anger but people assume that everyone with BPD is the same.

My brother lives about an hours train journey away and he's out tonight anyway. I just don't want to keep feeling so bad and not seeing any way that things can get better.

Sketchy 26-07-2017 08:12 PM

The stigma is completely unfair. I'm sorry you have been treated this way. You are not attention seeking. You are unwell, in distress and needing help. It's very ok to ask for that help.

Tell the crisis team everything you have told us. I hope they are helpful.

one_step_closer 26-07-2017 08:50 PM

The crisis team came and visited me because someone who knows me well was on and she was worried. She said that if I don't get admitted to hospital tomorrow I should ask the CMHT to phone her boss and ask if I can have face to face support from the crisis team for a while because it's more helpful than phone calls. She said that she knows my support worker and that she's a very cautious person which made me feel worse because of the fact that my support worker says I don't need to be in hospital so that must mean that I'm lying about how much I'm struggling. People think I'm ok because I still make it to some appointments and I pick up my prescription daily. I don't know how safe I'll be if I'm not admitted to hospital but I will end up being fine and then if I need an admission in the future they'll say I was fine this time so will be ok again. I really need safety and support right now not judgement.

Sketchy 26-07-2017 08:58 PM

That's good the crisis team came to see you. It sounds like they are concerned for you. I doubt they are judging you. Keep talking to them. Maybe being admitted to hospital wouldn't be a bad thing. It was suggested by your doctor, so it's always an option.

I wish I had helpful words, but I am thinking of you. I appreciate how difficult this all is and I hope you get the support you need.

one_step_closer 26-07-2017 09:39 PM

Thanks. My psychiatrist is fairly new, he started when I was in hospital and I have seen him about 3 times. He may be easily influenced by people who he thinks know me better than he does. I'm actually guessing that the CMHT extended hours team won't even talk to my psychiatrist they'll just make the decision themselves and will decide not to admit me. I want to try it because I'm really struggling almost every minute I'm on my own and there is no one I can stay with who I would be comfortable talking to if I got to a crisis point. My life is set to be a continuous struggle and although I may be strong enough to withstand the pain I don't want to have to feel it.

Sketchy 26-07-2017 09:42 PM

I understand. I hope you get the help you need.

When are you next seeing crisis? Is someone talking to you tomorrow?

one_step_closer 26-07-2017 09:51 PM

If I'm not admitted to hospital tomorrow I'll be getting either a phone call or a visit from the crisis team in the evening.

Sketchy 26-07-2017 10:03 PM

It's good to know you have support in place. I hope you get all the help you need in getting through this. Keep posting here too.

one_step_closer 26-07-2017 10:57 PM

I feel like tonight is going to be a really long night and this time tomorrow I will be stuck at home in the same situation. I'll need to try and get up earlier tomorrow because the CMHT are phoning between 11 and 12 and I'm usually in bed at that time. I'm clinging on to the hope that I'll be admitted to hospital and the short time will help but I think I'm kidding myself. Nothing is helping and it never will.

Juella 27-07-2017 03:33 AM

How are you doing? How was your night?
I know nothing is helpful at the moment and I'm sorry, but that doesn't mean that nothing can ever help. There's got to be a way to make you feel better and if you keep trying, you will find something that helps, I promise. Don't give up, please!

Sketchy 27-07-2017 10:44 AM

I hope today goes well and you get the help you need. Keep talking to your team and tell them what you have told us.

one_step_closer 27-07-2017 11:36 AM

Thank you both. The person who phoned from the extended hours team used to work on the ward so she knows me and is going to talk to my psychiatrist and if he agrees and there is a bed I will be admitted for 3 days. That doesn't seem like enough but I'm willing to give it a try. I really hope there is a bed. Just waiting on a phone call back. I might not be able to get on here while I am in hospital as I don't have a tablet just my phone and it's hard to get on RYL on my phone. Please keep your fingers crossed that they have a bed for me.

one_step_closer 27-07-2017 12:09 PM

There isn't a bed in my usual ward so they are looking for one somewhere else. Don't know if I will actually be admitted if the bed is way out of my area.

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