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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

nonperson 14-01-2018 03:32 PM

You're not useless, you're actually doing a fantastic job of looking after the cat and the apartment, despite not feeling the best yourself. Your friend is just overly critical and probably taking out her frustrations on you which is very unfair.

I understand what you mean about not being able to let go of things people say about you. I take everything people say to heart... and even though I know I'm being silly it still stays with me. Doesn't do a shred of good for my confidence, so I know how hard that is.

I'm going to be a total hypocrite here but want to say that you're the only person who can change you if you don't like who you are. I totally know that's not an easy thing to do but you need to do something to help yourself rather than get stuck in a cycle of self-hatred and distorted thinking that the world will be better off without you around. You're the only person who can help you. That sounds like a huge and impossible task, I know, but there must be one small thing you can start to change that might help.

one_step_closer 14-01-2018 05:58 PM

Thank you both.

Everything seems too overwhelming with regards to changing things. I don't know what small steps to take, I don't even know what the bigger steps that need to be broken down look like. I think I've been stuck in this mindset for so long that it might not be possible to break it. I have no motivation to do things myself. I bought an acceptance and commitment therapy book because my previous psychologist was wanting to do some ACT work but I can't find the focus to do the exercises. With books I just want to read quickly to get them finished. I don't know if I'd be allowed to go back into therapy to maybe do some more active work with a psychologist. It was said when I finished psychology that I could be referred again in 3 months which didn't happen, and my psychiatrist said I can be referred back when I'm more stable but I don't know. I've tried psychology many, many times. I think even if there was a way for me to feel somewhat better I wouldn't be able to experience it fully unless my brother was ok too and I have no control over his well being.

Aubergine 14-01-2018 06:22 PM

I know you've said that it feels overwhelming to change things, and I can understand where you're coming from, but don't things feel overwhelming at the moment the way things are? Things are not going to change unless you change them. You don't have to do it on your own, not at all, but you do have to play quite a large part in it. Could you ask your CC to re-refer your to a psychologist with the specific aim of doing ACT work?

one_step_closer 14-01-2018 08:11 PM

Thank you for your reply. Some of what stops me from pursuing things is the fear that I'll make things worse. I'd rather be overwhelmed by mental illness than overwhelmed by whatever pressures come with moving forward. I lack in energy and motivation to try things and easily avoid anything when there are hurdles. I'm probably just lazy. Maybe the biggest thing is that I don't want to be ok while my brother is still struggling because that doesn't seem fair. He isn't keen on seeking help and there is no way I'd tell him that my well being depends on his well being this much. He knows a bit, but it would hurt him so much if I said I don't want to get better if he's not getting better. I couldn't be better if he wasn't ok, many of my triggering times have come from when he has been going through stressful periods. I don't know how to distance myself enough.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist on the 22nd and I might phone my CPN before then to see if she will come with me and also try and write something in advance so they know what I'm going to bring up and so I'm prepared. I'm terrified of anything changing. I've been stuck for so long and I've failed at so much. Death always seems like the best option.

one_step_closer 15-01-2018 03:31 PM

I've already lost motivation to write something to discuss how I can move forward with my psychiatrist and CPN. I am just so hugely terrified that I will try something that will make things worse and then I can't get away from it. Don't know how to make the decision about whether or not I should ask my CPN to come to my psychiatrist appointment with me. I keep changing my mind.

My friend is now not sorting out getting her cat into a cattery. She thinks I haven't been going to see him twice a day and said that one time she was at her flat it didn't look like I had been. It's hard to know she is having negative thoughts about me, she means everything she says, I think her being unwell is just allowing her to express her feelings about me more than usual.

Aubergine 15-01-2018 03:51 PM

I think it's really good that your friend is sorting out getting her cat into a cattery. I know it hurts to hear those things, but she's not been treating you with respect and has been putting a lot of pressure on you, so this is a good move for both of you.

one_step_closer 15-01-2018 06:02 PM

She's not sorting out the cattery any more.

My brother had some bad news. He said he hates his job and he dislikes his life. I bet he more than dislikes his life. I can't help him and I don't know how much he can deal with. I don't want him to be hurting. I really don't know if I can continue with life for much longer because I am so emotionally hurt by every little thing and every big thing. I look at the things my brother has in his life and see how he has to struggle through and I couldn't bear any of the additional life pressures that he has to bear. I'm really not strong enough. I could probably keep going with life at this level but I'm inevitably going to have to take on more responsibilities and also see my brother go through more pain, so life is not going to stay at this level. It hurts so much to be alive. If anything goes way over what I can deal with I will have to at least attempt suicide and hope it doesn't go wrong. Things just feel so hugely emotionally painful because my inner pain due to BPD etc is always there and then things get piled on top of that from external factors. I can't take this any more. I don't know how to live.

Aubergine 15-01-2018 06:05 PM

I don't mean this to make you feel guilty, it's just something to think about - how do your think your brother would cope if you took your own life?

one_step_closer 15-01-2018 06:10 PM

I think about it so much, a lot of the reason why I'm still alive is because I don't want to add any more crap for my brother to deal with. I'm just so rubbish at coping with emotional pain. It will always seem easier to find a way to die, I can't even run away from the pain any more because of my lack of self harm ability now. I'm being selfish. I know. I just don't know how to bear the pain that life brings.

Sketchy 15-01-2018 08:15 PM

Thinking of you. I hope things get better for you. I understand you are in pain just now, but things can change.

one_step_closer 16-01-2018 08:12 PM

Thanks.

I see no hope of things ever changing for the better. I'm not equipped for coping with adult life. I must have been strong as a child and teenager and young adult because I survived so much but now I can barely do anything. I think about how anxious I am with going out in the snow just now and think about all the people who are probably also anxious but still have to go to work and they do it. I've only been to see to my friend's cat once today because I was too anxious about the weather, I gave him more food and water than usual though and I'm sure he'll be ok because he always has food left in his bowl each time I go. I'm scared about my friend finding out as she has been asking me about what the weather's like and telling me that the cat still needs to be seen to. I don't want the cat to suffer, I know he'd be better in a cattery, but I can't stress out my friend either.

I feel like I really need some support with my mental health right now but don't think I could find the right words to explain things and I don't even know what people could do for me. I feel quite alone but in need of professional support rather than social support. I couldn't phone someone and say I feel like I need support but then not know what to say to them. I'm just rubbish at being an adult and being responsible for myself.

I wonder what it's like to have a day that is mostly filled with comfortable or neutral emotions. The majority of the time I'm struggling with something. Whatever breaks I get from the pain don't seem to be enough. I don't want to be trapped like this, I just want to die.

one_step_closer 16-01-2018 08:33 PM

The emergency services will be busy tonight, and slower because of the snow. This feels like an opportunity to attempt suicide when hopefully no one would get to me on time. I feel quite impulsive but also calm enough to wait for now I think. I will regret not doing anything, I have never felt thankful for not going through with suicide. The snow and my cats on my lap are putting me off going out at the moment. I want to get to a hugely impulsive place and act. Sorry.

Sketchy 18-01-2018 11:28 AM

I’m sorry I wasn’t around.

How are you doing? I hope you are safe.

MunchBox 19-01-2018 01:38 PM

How are you?

one_step_closer 19-01-2018 06:34 PM

Thank you both.

Sorry, I don't feel in the right head space to post much either to support people or get support myself. Hopefully that will change soon. Knowing me I may be ok later on this evening, things change quickly at times.

MunchBox 19-01-2018 06:50 PM

Good to hear from you.

Whenever you're ready for support we'll be here. You've been so kind to me, would like to support you too. But, like I said, whenever you're ready.

tamobhuuta 19-01-2018 07:48 PM

I will lose my internet when I go back to the ward but I am thinking of you.

one_step_closer 21-01-2018 06:56 PM

Thank you both.

My friend whose cat I was looking after came to get her keys one night when I text her saying I didn't know how much longer I'd be able to cope with looking after her cat. At first she wasn't bothering and said she was going to turn off her phone but then she came in the evening. I don't know what's happening with her cat though and she's stopped texting me. I've been a bit less anxious and stressed since so that's good but worrying because I couldn't deal with it.

I've got an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it because any time I've seen him before he has said things that upset me. I've only known him since about May last year or something and he first met me when I was in hospital which I don't think was a good introduction. I've seen him in the community a couple of times. I should know by now what to expect from psychiatry appointments but I actually don't know how much he is going to let me exist the way I am or if he's going to push me too much because I have been out of hospital for 5 months now. He'll see that as meaning I am stable and well but I haven't been asking for any short admissions because my friend is in hospital. I'm coping outside of hospital anyway, I just don't know what additional things I could cope with.

Aubergine 21-01-2018 11:32 PM

It really is OK that you couldn't cope with looking after her cat. If it helps, I wouldn't have been able to either. We all have different tolerance levels when it comes to certain things. I know it's hard, but you really don't deserve to worry yourself over this. It's really good that she's taken her keys back. She'll find someone else to look after the cat, or put it in a cattery. That's a positive thing for everyone, including the cat.


Five months out of hospital is not a long time, and does not mean that you can cope with work etc. I'm sure that your psychiatrist will understand that. I've been out of hospital almost three and a half years and no ones said that I should increase my hours or anything. You cope with what you cope with and that's OK - you need to put your mental and physical health first.


Let us know how it goes. I will be thinking of you.

one_step_closer 22-01-2018 04:08 PM

Thank you.

It went better than I expected with my psychiatrist. He knows that I was looking after my friend's cat because she is his patient too and he said that he thinks my friend was being unreasonable and ungrateful at times. It was weird to hear that because I assumed everyone would think it was me that was being unreasonable. He could have been lying though. And that means that my friend was saying horrible things about me to him and probably other people. We had a bit of a discussion about my focus on what other people think of me and I said I was worried about what he thinks of me. I think he said something like he likes treating me but that he wouldn't choose to socialise with me. I get that, but it's also a bit hurtful. I take things to heart very easily. I also don't know if I believe him that he thinks positively about me.

He asked me what I think about being out of hospital for 5 months since it's the longest I've been home for quite a while. He asked if I felt happy or sad. Then added pissed off. I think he thinks I just want to be in hospital. He said that 2 years ago I would have probably ended up in hospital after the things my friend had been saying to me so it shows that I'm stronger now. All it means is that I've been avoiding hospital because my friend is there and that I can't self harm to the extent that I used to for physical reasons.

He said the thing we haven't got in place for me is a long term plan and he asked what voluntary work I was looking into. I said I had applied to befriend an older person but I think he said something about wanting me to do something with my qualifications.

I think he's been told about the childhood thing I disclosed a while ago because he sort of round about mentioned it and that makes me feel very uncomfortable. He said it in a wrong way too, a way that seems worse and is definitely not the truth. I'm still having nightmares most nights about this event. I don't know what I have to do to make things better for the other person. I feel terrible.

Sketchy 22-01-2018 04:32 PM

Your friend was demanding and unreasonable. You were a complete star throughout, being a loyal friend and being so helpful. It’s time to focus on yourself now. It’s ok to take a step back and recuperate.

I know it’s hard, but it sounds like you don’t need to worry about what people think of you. You are a good person.

one_step_closer 22-01-2018 04:46 PM

Thanks.

Even if I am a good person there are always going to be people who think badly of me. I know that's the same for everyone probably. It's hard having BPD because of the stigma and the way my thoughts and feelings and behaviours are perceived so rigidly within what people think of BPD. I can do anything and say my reasons for it but I often won't be believed and will instead be told that I am attention seeking or manipulative. It can be hard to find the words to explain what is really going on when people are so quick to judge.

Sketchy 22-01-2018 04:58 PM

That must be really hard. If anyone does think badly of you, then that is their problem. They obviously don’t know you and are not worth worrying about, as hard as that is.

Aubergine 22-01-2018 05:59 PM

It is true that not anyone is liked by everyone, but like Lorraine says, if people don't like you then that's very much because of them and their thoughts rather than because of anything that you have done. You're lovely.


Do you tell people that you have BPD? Because, if I'm honest, before I started self-harming myself and Googled a few things, I had never heard of it! Still don't know an awful lot about it, other than what people say about it here, but I'd say that it sounds really horrendous to live with and I'm full of compassion for people who suffer from it rather than anything negative.

one_step_closer 22-01-2018 06:51 PM

I know that a lot of people's opinions has to do with them but if they think bad things about me then I'm obviously involved and I hate to think what horrible thoughts and feelings I cause people to have about me. My psychiatrist said that some of his patients don't like him and he's ok with that. I don't know how to be ok with people disliking me, especially when what they're thinking about me isn't true.

I'm really just talking about health professionals. The rare contact I have with people who might be called my friends is usually ok. I'm very aware of what health professionals think about people with BPD, and what the hospital staff say about me in my notes. They can't see what is underlying in people with BPD, they can't feel the horrible torturous pain and they don't understand that actions are not meant to be attention seeking or manipulative (not in my case anyway). The way I behave etc is because I am so utterly desperate and in pain. I think people also assume that I am going to get angry and demanding with them at some point when I don't have issues with my anger at all. I know where they're coming from though, everyone I've met with BPD has been very angry. I just want to be treated as an individual. My support worker treats me as an individual because he doesn't know all the ins and outs of my diagnosis.

one_step_closer 23-01-2018 08:07 PM

Broken record but how do people deal with the pressures and responsibilities of adult life? I still have very little but can't stop worrying about what I'll be feeling and having to deal with when I have to get a job. At the same time I have been trying to figure out what job would suit me best. I'm really interested in psychology and mental health but I don't think I will ever be able to provide face to face or telephone support to people with mental health problems. Tried and failed in the past. I want to be able to do it and that makes it frustrating, I just don't feel mentally stable and resilient enough to consistently do a good job when crisis points arise (crisis points for me or whoever I may be supporting). I like offering support here (RYL) but no job would be very flexible without a fixed amount of work I have to do and totally online. I could possibly be a research assistant within the field of mental health but I absolutely can't do stats so that would need to not be part of it. I won't be able to find a perfect job and I'll be forced into something that leaves me hanging on the edge in emotional agony. I know I need to try and take small steps though but I don't know what they could be because my interests and abilities are limited.

My brother is worried about his physical health but is avoiding going to his GP. He said it's not very motivating to wake up early to make an appointment to be told that he has serious health problems. He thinks he has diabetes but in the past he has thought he had cancer, a brain tumour, and something wrong with his heart. He's very anxious about things in general. I don't know how to support him. I've encouraged him to try and make an appointment with his GP since it's better to know what's going on and either have his mind put at ease or see about treatment. He doesn't want me to come to an appointment with him, even to waiting in the waiting area, because he says that would be worse. I don't know how to support him. I notice so much that when people ask me how I am I often tell them how my brother is because a lot of my emotions are connected to him. I don't know how to take a step back and not be too focused on him but still be able to be there for him. I'm helpless anyway. There's nothing I can do for him. The reality is that he is suffering and I am of no use.

tamobhuuta 23-01-2018 09:02 PM

I have no advice but wanted to leave my love and reassure you that I don't think you are attention seeking or manipulative.

Aubergine 23-01-2018 11:30 PM

I don't think you're going to be pushed into doing a job you don't like that's going to push you over the edge. It's ok not to work if it's too much. People understand that - it really is ok.


I do think it's important to have something to focus on other than how rubbish everything is though. Craft, music, animals, exercise, friends etc. Something that isn't focussed inwards or based around mental health. It's so hard, but I believe you could make something work.


Adult pressures? I lean on my friends, I play piano, I walk in the wind, I cry, I scream, I study, I research positive things, I read happy news, I go for coffee and watch the sea, I meet friends for lunch, I get a head massage... That's how I deal with the stress of adulthood. It's hard sometimes, but it can also be so, so good. Ypu.can have that too. The world is your oyster.

one_step_closer 24-01-2018 02:07 PM

Thank you both.

I don't think my psychiatrist understands that I couldn't cope with work right now. He wants me to right away be able to use my qualifications rather than taking smaller steps towards that. I probably won't be seeing him for another few months anyway so hopefully I can work with my CPN to make some more gentle progress. Lots of people are in jobs they don't like, my brother for one, and I see some of how it negatively affects him. I at least want to know that if I get pushed into something and it's too much for me that I will be able to kill myself.

I'm so worried about my brother. I feel so useless and helpless when it comes to making things better for him. I have always tried to give him what he wants throughout his childhood but it's not as easy as buying him the latest Sims game or allowing him age restricted dvds when he's not even that age. He's hurting and I am powerless. I know how he feels is partly my fault and I can't take back any mistakes that I've made. I feel incredibly guilty. He has all his life issues and emotional issues and he has very little support while here I am with pretty much no stressors and a lot of support. It's not fair. I want him to have a better life.

Aubergine 24-01-2018 03:28 PM

Lots of people are in jobs they DO like though. And that's if you ever want to get a job. It's OK for that to be too much, it really is. You can use your intelligence and qualifications in other ways that are just as important. Working towards things gently with your CPN sounds good. Remember that the things you work towards can be whatever you want. Whatever is going to help you and keep you healthy.


It's hard worrying about family members. It's not your fault though. <3

one_step_closer 24-01-2018 03:49 PM

I don't think it's ok in the eyes of my psychiatrist. It's not really ok in the eyes of society either, adults are supposed to work. As soon as someone says I've been stable for a long enough period of time then I will end up being taken off benefits and told I have to get a job. I almost crack up at the thought of it so don't know how I'll cope if it happens. I need to be doing something, I know, this is the first period of time where I haven't been at uni or working or volunteering or in and out of hospital, I don't have many commitments, so I will be expected to do something. Everyone focuses on my intelligence and thinks that means I should be able to be like a normal functioning adult. My psychiatrist is always going on about it, saying that everyone is frustrated because I have potential and I sabotage myself. I'm not entirely sabotaging myself, I am genuinely struggling.

My CPN is happy with me tackling my social anxiety by going to a gym group, that's a first step. It has been really tough but I have managed to go for the past 2 weeks. I'm thinking about asking to be referred to an organisation that recruits volunteers to do conservation work and stuff in the environment, mainly focusing on people with mental health problems and disabilities so maybe it wouldn't be too much pressure. I went to a thing called branching out in 2012 while I was an inpatient which was just doing stuff in a forrest and I didn't like it at first (hate the cold!) but got into it and I think it was helpful.

I hate having no control over what my brother is experiencing. I can't reach inside him and remove the hurt. It's scary thinking that he is the only person who can feel what he feels and there is nothing I can do to ease the bad things. I'm not anxious enough to be guided into what rituals to do and I can see that when I was doing loads of rituals they didn't seem to stop bad things from happening. They could have been preventing something though and because I've stopped doing the majority of them things are going wrong for my brother again. I don't want him to hurt. His luck needs to change. How is he even coping?

MunchBox 25-01-2018 02:01 PM

Sorry, I have no advice but I am thinking of you.

Hope you're okay.

one_step_closer 25-01-2018 05:10 PM

Thank you.

I wrote some coping strategies and goals etc yesterday and spoke about some of it with my CPN. She was really pleased I was considering the future and said she often thinks I hit a brick wall but I was seeing around it today. I felt quite positive but plans are ok, it's actions that are difficult. My CPN recognises I need to take things slowly and she wants me to do things that will give me enjoyment. I went to the gym group afterwards and got on ok. My brother is having a really hard time though and that makes everything hopeless. Positive feelings within myself are very fleeting and I can't hold on to them because I'm so worried about my brother. I feel so connected to him and I'd like to be able to have a healthy distance from him, not so that I don't care any more but so I can be able to help him without getting caught up in so much pain myself and so I can allow myself to live even when he is having difficulties. I care about him greatly and I don't know how to help him. He is hurting too much. I can't cope and I don't know how he is dealing with things.

If anyone knows how to have healthy concerns for other people and not get too deep and how to support loved ones then I'd be grateful to hear them. I don't know if it will ever be possible for me to be less affected by his negative experiences. But the main thing is not how I feel it's how I help him to feel better. I can get away from his emotions but he can't.

Sketchy 25-01-2018 10:19 PM

It must be hard worrying about your brother. I wish I knew what to suggest.

It’s great you have made goals. Tackle them slowly and take baby steps. It’s great you went to gym too. Did it help you? It sounds like your cpn is being helpful and understanding.

one_step_closer 26-01-2018 03:29 PM

Thank you.

I know everyone worries about people they are close to. I feel that in my case it is more intense and a previous psychologist I saw even described it as obsessive which I think I agree with since he's on my mind through a great deal of the day and if I feel unable to help him I will turn to rituals. It's not fair on him. I would hate it if someone was so unhealthily attached to me like that. He managed to see a GP this morning anyway and unsurprisingly she thinks his symptoms are anxiety related and has referred him to do some kind of online course. She took blood too to check it though. I keep thinking about how he is stuck with all this and I am powerless to take any of his pain away. I hope he can find some helpful support from somewhere. It's like responsibility for his well being falls on my shoulders because he doesn't have much support. He probably talks about some things with his friends and partner but I don't know if he has enough support so I feel like I need to be doing something especially since he is a close family member.

I'm really liking my CPN. A bit worried that it will all fall apart eventually as that has happened before, or that she will move to a different area and I'll have to see someone else. The gym group was fine, I was less anxious this time. A bit of exercise can't be a bad thing anyway and the people who go to the group are nice.

Sketchy 26-01-2018 07:46 PM

It’s good your brother went to see a doctor. I hope he gets all the help he needs. If it were my sister I would be worried too. Family is so important and it’s hard not to feel worried in times like these.

That’s good you like your cpn. Focus on now and let her help you.

It sounds like you did well at gym. Are you going again?

tamobhuuta 27-01-2018 02:34 PM

I'm sorry about your brother. I worry about my sister.

What are you up to over the weekend?

one_step_closer 27-01-2018 06:21 PM

Thank you both for your replies.

I'm going to try and keep going to the gym group, I need to be doing more stuff and interacting with people a bit more. I have nothing planned over the weekend and I rarely do. Feeling very hopeless today and can't focus on posting supportive replies here. I hate when that happens. I'm pretty much sick of life at this moment in time.

tamobhuuta 27-01-2018 06:57 PM

It is fine to take care of yourself x

one_step_closer 28-01-2018 03:44 PM

I'm feeling quite isolated and stuck at the moment. Just in the kind of mood where I'm finding it hard to even interact with people online. And I don't know how to occupy myself since things are either too hard to focus on or seem dull. I have been thinking about going a quick walk but the weather is putting me off. I have housework to do too but can't get motivated. I'm not living, life is passing by so quickly too. There is no point in me being alive. I don't want to do this any more.

Sketchy 28-01-2018 05:38 PM

Did you go for a walk? It’s awful weather for it though.

Would putting music on help you get motivated? That sometimes helps me.

one_step_closer 28-01-2018 06:35 PM

I didn't go out. I'm pretty much a wimp when it comes to the cold. I don't mind the rain just don't want to be cold, I suppose I should just find a way to wrap up. I have thoughts about the things I need to be doing and should be doing and at this time of the evening I usually think tomorrow will be a better day and I will do more with my day but I never do. Today the productive things I've done have been to change my bed sheets and put a washing on and I know they are achievements but I feel like I should be doing so much more. I am aware that there are things I can't do right now and that makes it worse because my brain is under stimulated.

I live life mostly on my own and wish I could be more comfortable around people so I could have a bit more interaction and good relationships. I am trying with going to the gym group and stuff. I should be going to a creative writing group on Friday which might become a regular thing. I also said to my CPN I'd see about going to a walking group and go to a community cafe with one of my friends but it seems too much to be doing in the one go. My CPN is ok with me taking things at my pace I think though.

I'm just over 2 weeks self harm free now but it's not an achievement. Self harm does nothing for me any more, it makes me feel worse a lot of the time so I remind myself that I can't do it to the extent that it satisfies me any more. I long to cause myself some serious damage.

tamobhuuta 28-01-2018 06:56 PM

Keep telling yourself that it doesn't help anymore. You are doing really well. Keep trying to do more too, but at your own rate.

Sketchy 28-01-2018 07:02 PM

Those are great achievements and you should give yourself credit for it.

Creative writing should be good. I’ve done creative writing classes and I’m part of two writing groups. I get a lot from it and I hope you do too.

It sounds like you are really trying. I hope these steps help you.

MunchBox 29-01-2018 06:20 PM

You're trying. You're going to the gym, you might be going to a creative writing group and you're more than two weeks free.

I know they might not seem like it but those are achievements.

one_step_closer 29-01-2018 07:01 PM

Thank you for your replies.

I'm struggling to find ways to keep my mind occupied. I feel like I'm not doing enough that is stimulating but I can't deal with things like puzzles and learning things any more. I made a weekly planner to remind myself to do one main activity most days and to every day try to do some walking, do some housework, and have 3 snacks maximum. I wish I could find something that would make me feel content. What I have in life doesn't feel like enough for me but I don't know what I do want. I can only think of how much I wish I could still self harm as 'well' as I used to.

milomushi 31-01-2018 12:37 PM

I found this craft called paint by sticker where no paint is involved just placing stickers to form a picture. I just finished my first book and received the second in the mail. Totally mindless and nice finished product in the end. If you want look it up on amazon.

one_step_closer 01-02-2018 08:04 PM

Thanks.

Sorry I'm not around much or able to post supportive replies at the moment. I had a thought last night that usually I feel like I'm hanging off the edge of a cliff with a huge weight threatening to pull me down. Now I am standing on the edge with the huge boulder coming towards me and I'm trying to hold it back. I'm still on the edge with a weight to bear. How long before it pushes me back down? I know from many past experiences that these more positive moments can't last. I'm already feeling the hopelessness creeping back in and the need to talk to someone but I can't find the words. I ended up self harming despite not being able to do it to the extent that it helps. I just felt like there was nothing else I could do.

I remember one time in hospital I was in a good mood and then it came crashing down and I ended up hurting myself. The nurses said they didn't understand why I did it since I had a good day. It's harder to fall from a height than to fall from a level ground. I'm not allowed to feel better for long, and maybe that's ok. I am a bad person who doesn't deserve good things and I can't make things alright for my brother so I shouldn't have anything positive either. I'm really longing to do myself some serious damage but I know I can't. I no longer have the skills. I am an absolute failure.

tamobhuuta 02-02-2018 01:00 PM

I don't think you are a bad person or a failure x

MunchBox 04-02-2018 05:01 PM

Sorry you self harmed. Does it need checking out?

I get like that, when you're on top of the world one min and the next you crash and feel like shit. It's absolutely horrible the way mood can switch in a second. Sorry youve been through that stuff but that doesn't mean you're a bad person that doesn't deserve good.

You're not a failure.

Hope you're safe.


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