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-   -   Wish I could be anorexic again (http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=256160)

activebrain 13-07-2019 10:38 PM

Wish I could be anorexic again
I think the title of the threads says it all. I'm just frustrated. Ever since going into recovery about a year-and-a-half ago, I keep gaining weight even though I am sticking with my meal plan that I was given while inpatient. About six months ago I had to go in-patient again and had a slightly revised meal plan and have been sticking with it and I'm still gaining weight. This is very frustrating for someone who has an eating disorder obviously. Now if I had been dangerously thin maybe this wouldn't be such an issue. But at the moment I am at a BMI that is considered overweight or maybe even obese and that makes me extremely anxious. I try to tell myself it really doesn't matter because I'm still the same person no matter what size and shape I am as my little quote at the bottom says, and it's still really frustrating because I don't understand why I have gained so much weight. And it's at times like tonight when I just don't feel like doing anything that I go into the kitchen to get supper ready and say I wish I could just Chuck it all and say forget it I'll never eating again. I just want to be anorexic and lose umpteen hundred pounds and be as thin as a rail again. Who cares about being happy? I just want to be skinny. I know logically this is not what I want. I also know I am sick of gaining weight for some unknown reason. It does not help to talk to my primary care doctor because he blames everything on my psychiatric issues. My psychiatrist just says he's not concerned about it. But I am! So I see him this week and I'm going to bring up the issue with him hopefully. Because I just keep gaining and gaining and gaining and it doesn't make any sense. I haven't had any Med changes. I haven't gone off my meal plan very often. It doesn't make any sense. I'm so frustrated and really could use some support.

Stellata 14-07-2019 07:09 PM

It sounds like your meal plan needs adjusting.

Auror. 16-07-2019 02:53 AM

Have you seen a dietician since you were inpatient? Often meal plans get adjusted over time as your body starts to get used to eating again. If you haven't seen one recently, it might be worth seeing one to check in and see if it's just your perception of what you are eating versus actual reality.

That said, I know many folks in eating disorder treatment who were overweight to start with that did gain weight once they started eating regularly and following a meal plan. It happens. Have you looked up information on the health at every size (HAES) model? It might give you some ideas for ways to challenge some of your thoughts.

Gaining weight and dealing with your body changing can be really, really hard to deal with, even if it was necessary. I know it's been hard even for me to find providers who are able to validate that those changes are still distressing. I found by stepping outside of the eating disorder providers bubble I was able to get providers to look at things from a different perspective and that was helpful for me. Do you have any providers like a therapist or someone you can see besides your psychiatrist and GP?

I think ed practitioners are really good at helping you stabilize behaviors and get to a healthier place physically, but they're not always so good at dealing with the mental stuff. Granted you need to be healthy and eating to deal with the mental stuff, so if that is a place where you are now, it might be that this is the first time you are having to try to look at and tackle stuff that being physically unwell from an ed was masking. That said, really well done on coming so far in recovery!

Is your GP and/or psychiatrist tracking your weight? Do you have releases in place that they could talk to one another? If your psychiatrist does not think what is going on is due to your meds, maybe they can advocate to your GP to look at other reasons that might be causing weight gain. Similarly, it doesn't sound as though you tracking your weight is doing you a lot of good? What do you think it would be like to stop weighing yourself and/or have your weights by your GP done blind?

activebrain 18-07-2019 01:55 PM

My problem is that my insurance does not cover a dietitian. My GP or CNP as it is over here, thinks everything is caused by my psychiatric issues so he's not very helpful in the eating disorder world and my eating disorder therapist I just learned is not covered by my insurance either so I cannot see her anymore. So I'm basically up a creek without a paddle. I have to do this alone so to speak. I will look into that acronym that you mentioned thank you

Auror. 18-07-2019 02:39 PM

I know losing a therapist and support can be really difficult. How are you getting on with things since you found that out?

If your psychiatrist believes your meds are stable, is it worth asking if they can speak to your CNP to advocate for checking into other health things?

Your therapist should be able to refer you to someone else, legally they have to offer referrals. Can you chase up the referrals they give you and see if seeing someone else is an option? Is seeing someone who does not specialise an option? Like I said, for me it was really helpful to see someone who isn't trained in eating disorders, as it allowed me to focus on the other issues going on. Even if they don't have a CEDs or are trained specifically in EDs, that doesn't mean they cannot help you in other ways so you are not alone with everything.

Most dietitians that specialize in eating disorders unfortunately don't even take insurance. I've yet to find one that does in my area, though in bigger cities you can find ones that do. You could try contacting some and ask about low cost or payment plans, even for just a one off session to get your meal plan up to date.

I don't know your specific insurance, but Eating Recovery Center (ERC) has a virtual IOP now that if you live in Ohio some insurance plans will cover- not Medicaid though. Also if you have Medicaid I believe last I checked The Emily Program in Cleveland does take some of the Ohio Medicaid managed plans. Unfortunately with ed specific options, resources can get limited depending on where you live. But that doesn't necessarily mean you should rule out other types of non specialised treatment if they exist.

You can also try using the resources that NEDA and ANAD offer, some of which are free. I know there's groups and other support options that typically don't have fees if you can find one in your area.

There's also apps like Recovery Record which are usually free to use if you don't want to connect it to a provider.

activebrain 18-07-2019 10:59 PM

So I talked with my psychiatrist today. He at least is always very empathetic when I mention my weight concerns and he said let's see if it stabilizes at all. He mentioned that one of the medicines I take since it got increased while I was inpatient recently could be to blame. We had a very open discussion about other options and since I see him in a month again he may do some tweaking of medicines and see where I am emotionally to know what to do with medications and maybe increase some that can help me lose weight. I know that overall my mental health is more important than my weight, and yet my weight quite often can affect my mental health. They're all interconnected. Thankfully right now I'm doing really well emotionally and I'm just trying to hang in there with the eating disorder. Still having a lot of restricting urges and then that makes me want to overeat at the same time. So frustrating. Feels like a never-ending battle! And to answer some of the above mentioned questions, yeah I have Medicare and Medicaid and they cover so little. Especially since I'm in central Ohio and it really has a very limited amount of support for eating disorders. There's actually only the one place that treats eating disorders and that's the place that I cannot go because they do not accept Medicaid. I can't go to Cleveland it's too far away. Believe me I have explored all the options I have and I basically have none. So I'm just doing the best I can and relying on God to get me through this. Thanks for the support

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