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-   -   My giving up thread (http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23949)

Bleeding Angel 13-11-2007 03:11 PM

My giving up thread
 
Ok so i did this before and failed miserably.

I've decided to stop again, so my last cut was the 10th of november.

I know this is far from easy, and will be extremly challaging again, and im not sure if i can do this.

Im riddeing myself off all pills and blades, except one, that is sellotaped up in a bit of paper with the date.

Stellata 13-11-2007 03:40 PM

I'm really proud of you, Mari.

I don't think you failed miserably last time, and no effort towards recovery is ever wasted.

You know you have my support.

klo_flo 13-11-2007 06:39 PM

Mari remember we are about if you need us darlin... best of luck sweetheart.

Chloe xx

Bleeding Angel 13-11-2007 06:52 PM

doesnt feel any eaisier, i miss them already

Bleeding Angel 14-11-2007 11:23 AM

its hard when you lose your safty net, i didnt realise how hard it would be, the ironic thing is i really wanted to cut after they had gone.

I also had an akward conversation with my flatmate about my illness and self-harm, someone told me he knew so i had to talk to him about it.

Stellata 14-11-2007 11:34 AM

My pm box and I are still here for you, Mari.

It is natural that you'd miss something that was a kind of comfort blanket, albeit one that hurt you. Which is why finding other safety valves - eg communicating here, using your dance mat, playing with Star can be really helpful.

Would it help maybe to say some more about your conversation with your flatmate? I can understand how awkward it felt, and you're brave and courageous for speaking to him even though you didn't really want to. It can be really important to speak your truth, it can really break down barriers and help people understand, and also ultimately help you feel less alone in the longer term, although it can feel pretty exposing and raw at the time.

holly22 14-11-2007 08:12 PM

I don,t think you failed miserably, I think we all have slips,

Wot a positive step you have taken,

you can do it, i know you can (my name is Melanie i know you don,t know me and i don,t know you but i have faith in you)

Bleeding Angel 15-11-2007 05:05 PM

Im struggling. I found more blades i forgot about, and i had to buy some pills today (because im not well).

I cant concentrate on uni work, nevermind anything else.

xfallenangelx 15-11-2007 08:39 PM

i think you are really strong to have made the decision to stop, keep going honey, its not easy, in fact its **** had at first. i know some of how you feel, i felt exactly the same when i decided to quit. but it does get easier.everyone has slip ups, the important thing is to keep talking about how you feel, and keep getting up and carrying on after stumbles. one day at a time. thinking about you, take care xxxx

Bleeding Angel 17-11-2007 03:33 PM

one week. It seems like a long time really, esp with the blades i found. I dont really feel like telling people here im struggling, because it seems a stupid thing to struggle over.

It seems like a stupid thing full stop. Maybe right now im worried incase i start doing something else like last time, like overdosing all the time.

Besides i have a lot to worry about right now, i need something.

Bleeding Angel 17-11-2007 07:08 PM

I dont know why its bothering me so much, the whole medication induced dreams/hallousintations.

I havent had one in months. But when i did theyd happen over and over with no way of stopping them. Sometimes, well all the time, it had to do with people, and i felt like i had to make amends. Most of the time once i did, they would stop.

But this time, i dont know how to, it wasnt really about people, and i cant really write here what i did, or saw (tip sharing), but it was something to do with me trying to kill myself.

Its not real, i know that, but the thoughts are there again, and my flatmate said last night when we where talking about overdosing "dont do that again". It doesnt have any real effect, jus im not going to stop becasue he said so.

I think its making me do it more, wanting to, i know i was drinking last night, and the temptation was really bad.

Maybe thats what my head wants, for me to hurt myself.

Stellata 17-11-2007 07:25 PM

Keep reminding yourself it's not real.

Your head might want to hurt you, but maybe your heart has other ideas, and is upset by these intrusive images and thoughts. It may be that you feel frightened and numb to it all at the same time?

Bleeding Angel 17-11-2007 07:57 PM

All i want to do is hurt myself, because i need to.

bobbiwibble 17-11-2007 08:11 PM

I believe in you, you've done so well to come this far, don't give up xxx

Bleeding Angel 17-11-2007 08:45 PM

I just want my stuff back.

holly22 17-11-2007 11:00 PM

You can do it Bleeding Angel, you are doing really well

don,t give up now xx

Bleeding Angel 17-11-2007 11:59 PM

When everything goes away, so does the safty net.

When you begin to struggle, there is nothing to fall back on. All the hurt and anger seems to pent up inside, ready to be taken out on other people, because you cant do it to yourself, or maybe its the borderline.

So how do you get rid off it all.?

The thoughts of cutting are so strong, the thoughts of overdosing are so strong, the thoughts of suicide are so strong.

With the hallousintions and the dreams, there is no way to let it out.

How do i? I feel like im doing a silent struggle, im struggling so very badly, im kicking and screaming for my things back, because i have to hurt myself. I dont want to feel the pain on the inside.

Stellata 18-11-2007 09:22 AM

Can you write about the pain on the inside here, tell us? It can help relieve some of the pressure.

klo_flo 18-11-2007 12:43 PM

Why do you feel as though you have to hurt yourself. I understand urges, but remember that you are in control of your actions and ultimately it comes down to your free will in choosing the path you want to take. We are here to support you x

Bleeding Angel 18-11-2007 01:13 PM

You get angry, i got angry last night, i just lashed out at people.

Im tired because of the meds, im hallousinting because of the meds, and i just want it to stop.


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