*cuddles everyone*

I feel like im breaking...

*hugs everyone*
i am an idiot. and probably shouldn't have done what i did last night but i don't really care. but now i'm in trouble..... :/
*hides in the denial tent*

*cuddles everyone lots and lots*

*cuddles Helen (MammaMia)* Did you manage to keep safe last night, love? And what's today? (the tomorrow about which you spoke in your post) Hopefully it goes well despite you not feeling too well... or maybe you're feeling better now? *more cuddles*

*squishes LauraFriend (Imaginary_friend)* What happened, sweetie? & in trouble with whom?

*huggles LauraStar (Fallinstar0317)* What's going on, love? is it uni or something else?

*hugs a_m & Grandadslilamm* How're you two doing today? Sorry, I don't know your names... but you're welcome here!! :) I'm April, in case you somehow don't spot the user title, & you can feel free to call me that as it's much shorter than my screenname. :)

I'm worried about this quiz that's due today at 1pm. I have to do it, or else I, well, won't get the grade for it & will be missing points, but I'm really scared that it's going to be difficult. I guess the best thing is to just do it... :(

I'm feeling meh atm... really tired, weary, worn out. My car's back from the shop though - which is good, in a way - I can drive it, but they couldn't find what was wrong with it. And the engine sounds louder than it should, and there's a "whoop whoop whoop" coming from inside somewhere. Sooo... I'm not sure it's SAFE to drive. That's the bad part. But, I will be driving it anyway!! :-/

*hides in denial tent where everything is fine*

*cuddles April* Yes I managed to keep safe. Somehow. I went offline and watched tv. Ended up crying for like 10 minutes before I crashed to sleep. I feel better today. My boyfriend is coming today, infact his train leaves in less than an hour, so exicted haha!!! So probably won't post again after this post. We shall see ;) I feel physically better today too, how odd? Not complaining. Wish my best friend would switch her phone on (she had counselling appointments etc today) and call me. Really need to talk to her, I have to :(

Sorry about your car :( Hope you don't have an accident or anything sweet *cuddles*

*cuddles Helen* I'm so glad that you are both feeling better emotionally AND physically this morning. :D What a blessing!! :) That's lovely. I'd be sooo excited about my boyfriend coming to visit... I remember when I met Jarrod for the first time. We'd talked for awhile on the phone & through emails and IMs, but this was the first time we'd met face to face... August 2006. I was in ED treatment at the time so I didn't get to spend all of my time with him, had to spend every other day at the clinic where I was OP - finally - after a month of being res. But it was better than still being res and only seeing him at night or on the weekends!! :) He was (and is) so handsome & funny & kind & sweet... *blushes* Hehe. Yes. And then we got engaged in December 2006. He knew he loved me before he met me!! isn't that, well, interesting? I guess I did too but I had a ton of other stuff in my head at the time - ED, SI, etc. Oh well. Enough reminiscing. :)

I also hope that I don't get into an accident. I'll be careful driving her... I just don't like how her pedals feel under my feet!! Even the brakes seem a bit... off. I don't know. We just took her on a 2600 mile trip, her first long trip... can't help but wonder if that was part of the cause? :-/

Anyway. I need to go take that quiz!! :(

*hugs laurafriend* are you alright? Why r u in trouble? Take care hun.

*hugs helen* Have fun with your boyfriend! Its good to hear that you are feeling pretty good today!

*hugs april* that sucks about your car. It may have been the long trip that did something to it especially if it already had a lot of miles on it... Just as you said, be careful driving.. Hope your quiz thing went/is going okay too.

I just feel like everything is piling up now. School, things with my boyfriend, family stuff... I feel like im going to completely break down, but i'm trying to stay ok.. or at least make it look like I'm okay... My family is coming up here in a few weeks and i have to make sure that i look like im 1000% happy.

*hugs everyone* sorry i'm not awake enough to do individual replies at the moment....sooo hungover.

i'm ok really. just being paranoid i guess. i went back to this guy's house last night (the same one i've been having all the dramas with) and....well it was weird. his ex was there for a start, who then stormed out in a huff, and then proceeded to have a text argument with him for about 10 minutes after...and then..well...stuff happened. without....using any sort of .... protection. so i'm just freaking myself out. i'm on the pill it'll be fine but .... argh. i'm such an idiot. i don't remember half of last night either....so so drunk. argh.
*hides under a blanket*

April~
Thanks for labeling everyone... I had been talking to helen *which I will make an attempt at remembering lol*

I honestly don't know how I am quite yet today though... All I know at this point is I'm tired of all the work place polotics and rumor mill bs here at work... I mean seriously people are supposed to grow up as they age and in a work place of primarily 40+ yr olds the rumor mill and drama shouldn't be worse than it is in high schools... *rolls eyes* and I hate liars so it makes me angry when people invade my office with the bs. Still trying to find time away from everyone to go to the VA clinic and see about getting a wee bit of help for myself too... I know I just need to do it and get it over with and stop stressing myself out over that but after recent comments made in my household I don't want anyone to really know why I'm going or where since I don't want to feel like I'm letting everyone down or to have everyone watching me and babying me as I just couldn't handle that... On the upside of life these days my jaw feels almost back to normal from my surgery and so maybe some of the other issues will die down a little again soon.

I hope your quiz goes well *crosses fingers* and that your car starts acting right again soon and you don't get into a wreck. *hugs* take care of yourself and be safe.

Helen~
I'm glad you were safe and that you're doing better today. Have a great time with you bf :)

Laurafriend~
*hugs* You'll be okay and if you have doubts or worries you can get a test and double check if it persists in bothering you. How is you're hangover? any better? Not to nag but water water water! :)

Laurastar~
*hugs* I know how you feel about everything piling up and being too much. Be sure to take time for yourself and not push yourself to far even if for family. They'll understand if you need some me time.

*curls up and cries*

*cuddles LauraFriend* Aw love... I'm sorry that last night wasn't so good for you - but as a_m said (sorry, don't know your name!!) you can always get tests etc. later on. And you are on the pill... just try to be more careful in the future - but not to preach, lol. Sorry. *gentle hugs* How you feeling now?

*cuddles Helen* What's up, sweetie? why the tears?

*squishes LauraStar* I understand the feeling... I used to have to pretend to be 100% okay with my parents, because otherwise they got really worried/concerned & VERY intrusive... so I got perfect at having a facade up. I still do at times. But I am learning that it is okay to show feelings... which is a good thing as it's really really difficult to keep up a mask 24/7, as I'm sure you know. *gently holds you* I hope that things get easier for you... you are worth so much, more than you know - please try to remember that. ♥

*huggles a_m* That sucks that your work is so full of rumors etc. Wow. I would hate that!! especially if it reminded me of high school (the 2 years that I could stand it >_< before going back to homeschooling/uni)... ugh. I hope that it gets better or that you find a way to cope with it... yuck. Why don't you want people to know what's wrong with you? I guess probably because, as you said, of the worrying/babying & also the stigmatization (I don't know with what you struggle, though)... but maybe it would be easier to get help if people in your life knew? just the ones that you trusted. *gentle cuddles* Just a thought. :) I don't know the people in your life so obviously can't say for sure.

The quiz went meh. I didn't do too well, I don't think... :( especially embarrassing because everyone was like "that was so easy" & I thought it was easy too... I just missed 3 questions out of 13. *sigh*

Today's been a freaking long day. I'm exhausted. We just got back from shopping. As I said, I'm sick again & feel like ****. But, I do have a kitten in my lap cuddling - tomorrow is his first birthday!! Wow. He's grown up fast. :) Very cute little guy. Or big guy, as the case may be... he's not huge but he's not tiny anymore either. We got him when he was 5 months old. Speaking of which, anyone want kitten snuggles?

Feel like ****. In my advanced counseling class, we talked about suicide & self injury today... boundaries/ethics/etc., but it was triggering. :( I felt even more like I wanted to die... which is not good as I am not going to go into the hospital. It would be awful if I had to. I'm not even going to THINK about it... although it would be a nice break... I am so stressed and frustrated and struggling right now. :(

*hides in the denial tent*

Hi all. *big hugs* Sorry I haven't been around but I've been IP again. Yesterday I saw the consultant (Brian Strubey) and his plan was not to do anything so I requested that, as my right as a voluntary patient, I would like to leave. That was at 4:45pm yesterday ... they refused to let me see a registrar until after 11:00pm who threatened me with being an involuntary patient if I continued to want to leave. They actually locked down the ward so that I wouldn't get out under the fence and just disappear and have to be brought back by the popos.

I'm just going to go and hide in the denial tent and never come out ...

oops... totally spaced...

*extends hand* hello april! i'm crimson... erm well unless its at work or with my mum...*mumbles for a while*

part of why is while some people (even my husband lately) have noticed that something's off and i'm not as happy (even though i try to pretend i am)yet they don't look to much into it as yet. everyone thinks i'm stable right now but i really don't think i am... but the main push of my decision to keep it away from my family is what my husband said after a discussion with his younger sister... "at least you don't do that **** anymore so i don't have to watch you all the time" ... i didn't know what to say to that so i just sat there and stared... *hides in a warm blanket in the denial tent*
i was thinking about asking a friend i don't see often to cover for me and say we were window shopping at the mall and bsing when i go... but yet i don't want to get someone else involved and make them lie. i also don't wanna get interrogated on my whereabouts when i get home... *face/palm*

*hugs Kahlia*

Crying because of a huge argument. I'm so unsafe all of the sudden it's ridiclous. :/ My boyfriends asleep on the sofa, he's already hidden one knife (which I found) and best friend had to go offline.

*hugs Crimson back* Thanks hon.

*holds Helen tightly* I know the feeling well hun, try to keep yourself safe please?

*hugs everyone else then runs into the denial tent to hide from the world*

*pokes his head in to see if anybody is around*

hmm, guess not..*leaves newspapers and muffins for all*

*pokes jet*
i am sporadically here this eve.

*hugs everyone*
*hugs helen* i hope you're feeling safe this morning. *hugs*
*hugs Kahlia* hope you're feeling a bit better too. the denial tent rocks :)
*hugs April* I'm sorry you had a rubbish day hun. hope today's better :)
*hugs Crimson* thankoos. hangover went by about 8pm last night.....lol uurgh

i don't feel great tbh. i don't think the other night helped. my counsellor said that i probably feel "numb" because i'm not letting myself feel anything. so i tried last night....and i got so scared because i felt awful so i went back to the numb thing. i dunno. it's weird. like, at the moment, feeling numb is my default so to feel anything i have to really try. but because everything isn't great at the moment, to get on with my life feeling nothing is probably better. although i know when i eventually do feel it it'll be so much worse. argh. i just wanna get it over and done with and get on with my life but i can't. it hurts too much and i'd probably do something stupid if i felt that bad.....i dunno what to do.
*curls up under a blanket with a teddy*

*cuddles Kahlia* Are you IP at the mo? or did they release you? Sorry, got a bit confused by your post. >_< Was sleepy last night & am sleep-deprived this morning, so yeah. Anyway, I hope that you're doing a bit better, or will be doing so shortly. ♥

*squishes Helen* I'm sorry about the argument... please try & stay safe though. Arguments aren't worth harming over. It may seem that way but it's not true. You're worth so much more than that, sweetie... try to believe that, sometime(s) at least!!

*huggles Crimson* How you doing this morning?

*cuddles LauraFriend* I understand about the numbness thing... I am feeling kinda that way myself... it's really hard to let yourself feel the feelings that you "need" to feel - without acting on them. Like anger, or pain. I hope that as time passes you'll get more comfortable with expressing your feelings & feeling them as well.

I just got up... it's 4:30am here... hardly slept last night & would cancel tutoring for today except I have to go on campus anyway, to go to class. I am sick with a head cold and am so stuffed up it's not even funny. :( Thanks, dearest hubby, for sharing - lol. I guess it's only fair though, as I gave him the stomach flu in January. >_< I just want to feel better though. :(

I'm listening to Flyleaf right now... love that band. :D

Going to be so ****ing tired today. If I have caffeine, I get anxious, too anxious to be of any use anywhere. Then I have to take Klonopin but I "only" have 4mg/day to take, so I have to be careful how I dole it out. *sigh* I hate being an anxious person, I really do...

*hides in denial tent again* :(