*hugs* sorry am late for work, hope people get to sleep and wake up ready to face the day *hugs again**leaves porridge, tea and choc chip cookies (home made)*

Sorry, don't have the energy to reply to everyone but I did read and I do care.

*Big hugs for everyone*

I just sort of realised that my life revolves around drinking. It's kinda sad.
:(
x

It's ok Arwen

Just look after urself there

Maybe consult somebody about giving up the drink? just a suggestion...
tc there xx

Well I am back...

I don't think I could give up the drink. It's basically all I do with myself these days, whenever I have money.
Now that I've quit smoking it's the only thing I spend my cash on.
I guess it's not too bad. It's only Friday and Sunday definately, sometimes Saturday and sometimes weekdays. It all depends on how much cash I have.
Which I suppose is a bad thing because I have to admit, if I had enough money, I would drink as much as my body can tolerate.

Enough about me. I'm rubbish.

Hello Katie!! *Hugs* How are you?

Anyone else gonna check in tonight?
xxx

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Can I check-in again...please?

People never really check out :) But yes of course you can :D

I'm sorry I vanished.
I know I'm rubbish, how are you?

*hugs all*

I feel like
And now I'm all alone again
no where to go no-one to turn to
Without a home without a friend
without a face to say hello to

Only I don't have Eponine's fantasy with Marius to keep me going.

Right now I'm struggling to see a point in going on. I'm sure I'll find one ... I always do. I just want all the pain and heartache to stop. I just want to "check out" of life for a little while until I can get my head sorted. *sigh* Pity you can't do that hey?

Sorry I'll stop whinging now.

You're not rubbish darl, I'm alright, but very very tired. You?

Kahlia *squishes* Sorry to hear you're struggling. Anything I can do to help? xxxx

Thanks, I feel rubbish.
I get distracted by bad things so easily, I actually don't know how I am right now, very lost and confused.

I don't think I should be left to my own devices.

*hugs Secrets, Snuffles, Helen, Kahlia, Dayna, Jade, Jem, Shell, MaryAnne, Kat, Arwen and anybody else curled up in a corner somewhere*

Pretty **** actually zowie...

But just happy to have the net back on =)

*Hugs all*

...I miss my sister

*hugs all*

Katie ~ I don't think I said it yet, but glad to have you back. Hope things are going okay.

*hugs to everyone*

Sorry I haven't been around much recently, have had a very limited internet access. It's been one hell of a busy few weeks, I'll explain the whole story a little later. Just wanted to leave hugs and let you all know I'm thinking of you even if I can't get on here.

It's ok hana :-)

we understand...tc of urself tho!!!!!

Love you all *snuggles*

*hugs everyone*

A bit better today

x

*hugs Kat*

I don't think you are

:( Why did he lie? Why is it affecting me so badly?

*Hugs Secrets* Welcome back hun. Stay as long as you need :) Oh, and you're definately not rubbish!

Kahlia...I know how you feel. I usually really just want to check out until all the crap goes away. The best thing to do is to keep reminding yourself that, as you say, you will find a reason and it will feel easier. *Hugs*

Hannah, what's up? Thank you for the hugs *hugs back*

I'm happy you have the internet back too Katie :) But not happy that you're feeling **** :( Wanna talk about it? xx

Dayna - *hugs* I don't know what the situation with your sister is, but I'm sorry you can't see her.

Hana - Hello *waves* Nice to see you again. Hope you're doing okay.

Glad to hear you're feeling better Mary Anne :) *Hugs*

*Hugs Kat* Hun, you're not. No. Don't ever believe that.

Helen, I love you too <3 and I hate it when people lie to me. It really upsets me.

----

I'm doing okay. Ate way too much today which sucked, but I saw my baby cousins for a naming ceremony and read the blessing. It was nice :)

Speaking of eating way too much, I've got some beer and chips waiting for me.
Fatty :(

----

*Takes a veeeeery deep breath*
Love and hugs to all xxxx

*hugs Zowie* I have a creme egg calling to me! I had to hide it in the wardrobe to stop myself from eating it!

*hugs Helen* being lied to is really horrible

x

*squishes ppl who have checked themselves in the ward*

*leaves some cordial for ppl to drink*

*hugs everyone*

*hugs Hells* I'm not getting involved between you two, because I love you both, but yeah, being lied to can really suck sometimes. I don't know what happened but take it with a pinch of salt and the fact that he was drunk. If he'd been sober, then he probably would have told you differently. Love you sweetheart x

*hugs mary anne* glad you're feeling a bit better. x

*hugs Kat* You're not a whore hun, no way. Don't believe it. x

*hugs zowie* Glad you're doing ok hun, and I'm glad you had a good time at the naming ceremony.

*hugs Jem* hope you're doing ok over there

-------------------------------------------------

Well, ok, the last couple of weeks have been pretty damned hectic. Ever since I got back from the skiing trip with my parents. In fact, it would be easier to say that the whole of March has been pretty hectic. Well, anyways, got back to Wycombe on 1st March, and ok, that was pretty cool. In fact, it was OK, until the 3rd March, when I found out that my cousin's son's in hospital with kidney problems and that.

That would have been enough for me to have to deal with, but a few friends of mine had a few problems that they decided I had to know (and therefore worry) about. That Friday night, I broke up with the boyfriend, and, well, that's a story for another time. Saturday, he kicked me out, even though on the Friday he'd said I could stay there (on the sofa but I was OK with that) until I found another place to live. So Saturday I stayed at a friend's house, and then Sunday, we spent the day trying to get me somewhere to live temporarily, and we found it in one of the people she babysits for, who basically said I can stay there for as long as I need.

OK, written down like that, it doesn't seem like such a big deal, but, for one that's not everything but the rest of it I don't particularly want to put the rest up on the internet for everyone to see. But, I think this is actually a pivotal point to my recovery, in that I'm still just over 2 months free, and, I'm dealing with this by talking, not bottling it up.

You know the one funny part though? During the whole of this, I haven't seen my counsellors once.

Anyways, sorry for the massive post. Don't have internet at my place at the moment, so I won't be around as much as I'd like to be, but I miss you all when I'm not online, and I just want you to know I'm thinking and praying for all of you.

Hana
x

*cuddles hana*

Stay safe there xxx

Hope ur look after urself and u need to get the NET lol..somehow!!! Coz we r missing u already :-(

*hugs all and then disappears into the denial tent for a few decades*

hope ur ok there Kahlia *cuddles*

Must admit I'm not feeling too great Jem .... thinking of going out for some cola, drinking some alcohol and doing something really stupid.

Think I'll just check myself into the denial tent until the urge passes a bit.

hang in there!!! Plz don't do anything stupid...i know the urge is there but u can battle thru it!!!

Hana, you have a very fair point hun :) I'm over it now anyway pretty much. Just was a little hard yesterday. But we're all good. I worry about you hun *snuggles* xx

*hugs Kat* I will never think that you are

*hugs Hana* take care of yourself, sounds like you have a lot going on.

*hugs Kahlia* please try not to do anything

*hugs Helen* glad to hear you are feeling a bit better about things

*hugs Jet* how are you doing?

*hugs Secrets, Ravyn, Dayna, Zowie and anyone else coming in later*

For me good bits and bad bits, will get the bad bits out first, HE came over to pick up some stuff and once again changed his story about HER, seems he does not know how to tell the truth. Also he is moving to a flat nearish me, do not like that - I would prefer if he disappeared!
On a good note - no idea if I am ready but a guy has sort of asked me out - we were emailing and now texting - bit scared, esp as he knows nothing about the dep. and si - not something to tell someone about electronically for me, will see how it goes.

love you all
x

I want to hurt, not to cope, not for relief, not to stay in control but because I hate myself, I deserve to hurt and hurt and hurt.

*hugs secrets* hope things are going okay
*hugs snuffles* welcome back, take care of yourself
*hugs Dayna* are you okay?
*hugs Kahlia* hope the urges pass, cuddles.
*hugs Hana* sounds like a rough few days and sounds like you've coped really well, hope you're feeling that too.
*hugs Jem* hope you are okay
*hugs Helen* Are you feeling any better?
*hugs MaryAnne* hope you had a good weekend
*hugs Kat* you're not hun, keep fighting
*hugs Arwen* I seem to be falling and I don't don't know where my fight has gone. Please don't beat yourself up about food, it is so not worth it, but I know what you mean.
*hugs Jade* hope you are doing okay
*hugs anyone else wanting or able to accept a hug*
take care of yourselves and try to remember there is always hope whether or not we can see it *leaves bunches of daffodils to brighten the place up*

*Hugs all*

I think I'm actually doing okay atm o_o;. Was a little depressed earlier, and sort of destressed by singing at the top of my voice, lol. Starting to feel a tad spacey now, though ._.;

Kat: LKFDGHKJDGH YOU'RENOTAWHOREOMG. What makes you say that? D:

Void again

*hugs all*

Guess who might well be crashing again? Thank you very much moods. Hopefully sometime will stop you. Please don't crash >.<

Thanks for all warm thoughts and wishes everyone. I made it through the night ... not brilliantly. I did not sleep. I skipped two doses of Xanax yesterday because I could not guarantee that I would not take all the tablets remaining in the bottle (some 35 or so tablets). And as a result did not sleep but spent all night thinking of how the heck to fight the urge to do this stupid thing. There does not seem to be a cause. Like, emotionally at present everything is void ... I feel detached from my emotions. I don't want to die and I don't want to OD .... I just feel like I'm going to do it because I have to. It's sort of .... I don't know.

I wanted to tell my house-mate yesterday afternoon about what was going on in my head but couldn't bring myself to do so. Then thought about writing about it in my thread - trying to find an immediate way to deal with it ... but my laptop had refused to charge (it needs a new AC Adapter) and I had access to no internet. So I just lay awake last night and tried to work things out.

I'm a bit scared that I'm going to do it ... just give in and do it ... without ever wanting to or even wanting the consequences that it could possibly bring. I just don't quite know how to fight. I see my GP on Friday and I'm going to have to bring it up with her ... but I still have to get through until then.

I just don't know anymore ...

Anyway enough of my whining. *hugs everyone*

*snuggles Kahlia lots if you'll accept them*

Thanks Helen - *cuddles in tight to you*

*cuddles* You're very welcome, want to watch 13 going on 30 with me? I'm so avoiding my assignment & revision...haha!!!

*hugs everyone*

Woke up triggered, and it isn't about to go away any time soon. I don't need this today what with everything else I've got to do today. I don't need to be worrying about cutting or not cutting or whatever. I don't.

I've got a new bottle of Aleve (painkillers) in my bag, that Jamie gave me, because, well, I'd run out and sometimes I really need them, but the thoughts keep running through my head that I could just take all of them and then none of this crap would matter anymore. He thinks I'm coping a lot better than I actually am, but I'm coping a hell of a lot better most days than I would be normally. I need to not have those pills, but I don't know how to tell him that.

*lunchtime hugs*

I'm a useless ****.
Seriously.

::::::::::::::::::::::: hugs to Helen, Katrica, Dayna, AuburnShadow, Mary Anne, Wildly, Jet Force, Secrets and Everyone else that comes in this evening :::::::::::::::::::

Feeling ashamed of myself, being over weight and suffering from Type 2 Diabetes. I hate myself. I am a horrible person. Also have a defective brain that doesnt work well under any pressure or any usage at all.

Oh hun, that's utter crap, you're amazing *snuggles*

*Bounces around and glomps all*

<33!

Little girl kisses her mom
Tells her I love you
holds on to her moms hand
when she tells her she loves her

Little girl doesn't have much
She walks with a smile
She's so full of life

But she cries in the night
Just to try to hold on
No one can hear her
She's all alone

This little girl closes her eyes
All that she wants
Is someone to love
Someone to love

Little girl
She's all grown up
Oh she's getting fevers
She's a big star

Oh little girl

Fights with her mom
Can't believe money
Changed who she loved

And she cries in the night
Just to try to hold on
But no one can hear her
She's all alone

This little girl closes her eyes
All that she wants
Is someone to love
Someone to love
She cries in the night
Just to try to hold on
No one can hear her
She's all alone

This little girl closes her eyes
All that she wants
Is someone to love (someone)
Someone to love (someone)
To love (someone)
Someone [fade out]


In a good mood there Dayna? xxx

I'm tiiiiiired. I suppose I should go to bed.
Blah.