It's all come back
 

I had been doing really well. I'd gone almost a whole year without harming. Then out of the blue everything's just crumbled. I was at home and got a call from my mum asking to help her throw out some stuff so I went over and we ended up finding my old school yearbook so I took it home with me, and reading it's reminded me of all the shit that was going on with me at the time that I never told anyone about. And it's reminded me that I haven't kept in touch with ANY of my friends from school. Not one. So that got me thinking that maybe I wasn't that great back then and that they don't really want to keep in touch or anything and... well I don't want to go into it in detail. But I'm back to where I was before.

I was doing so well.

Hi Jordan, well done for going nearly a year without harming that is a big
step.

It is hard looking back and any thing that you look at brings it all back. I lost all my friends from school etc,
i always blamed myself for that happening.

You will do well again this is just a slip up and we are here any time you want to talk about
any thing that happened. You are not alone. x

Hey,

I always think a positive of having had depression is that you know when you are slipping again and can put things in place quicker. Would it help you to go to your doctor and talk it through with them?

cutting now does not take away the amazing achievement of not cutting for a year. What helped you to stop the 1st time? Maybe you could put some of those skills and distractions in place to help you again.

x

heyyyy there lovely :3

well done! a year without harming, that's a big achievement! just because you've had a slip up doesn't mean that your achievement isn't as valid.. everyone slips up now & again, it's inevitable.. what's important is that you don't let it get you down and back into the cycle of self harm again..

looking back can be painful but my motto is, "don't let the shadows of yesterday cloud over the sunshine that is today and tomorrow, and the next day"..

keep looking forward and stay focused. you can do this and we're here 100% of the way.

stay strong sunshine, you'll get there ♥

Heey.

Although I'm only 14 I know exactly what you are going through.
I started cutting when I was 11 did it for 1 year and tried to quit. Instead of cutting I was expressing my feelings through drawing. You need a replacement. And just like everyone says, don't let one wrong step bring you off your path. Just step slowly step back and put both feet strong on the path again. I did that and haven't been harming for over 2 years now. You can do this, just get beck on the path.

I'm always here if you want to talk. You will make it. I'm sure. <3

First of all well done for staying free for a year that is an amazing achievement. It's hard when things happen to us to remind us of our past especially if they aren't the greatest of memories. It can leave us feeling deflated and like we are not good enough but it is important to remember that our past doesn't define us but the future that shapes where we are going. You may have slipped up but your achievement is still still there. The important thing now is that you pick yourself up from this and keep trying. You can beat this, keep fighting. Take care
Kat xxx

It's not so much the losing touch with everybody. Although it hurts to think about. It's so much more than that. I just ended up realizing it as I was looking through everything. But in the long run it just triggered all these suppressed emotions I didn't realize I still had left. I never expected to feel this bad again. I still had my bad days before where I did think to myself "this is a situation that I would usually have harmed myself" but I was always able to fight it. But now I just feel broken. And ashamed.

I haven't told anyone yet. Just here. I don't really know what to say to anyone else. "Oh, I read my old high school yearbook and now I'm back to hurting myself" doesn't seem like a good starting point. And I don't want to talk to anyone about what memories it brought back to me. I don't think I'll ever be ready for that. I tried once during therapy and couldn't get through it.

It can be hard looking back at the past; things happen, people change, and time passes. It can often be very painful.

One thing though; just because you've slipped up, doesn't mean it has to be a full-on relapse. Do you think that you are able to bring it back under control again?

Have you ever spoken to anyone about how you're feeling, aside from that therapy?

Jordan, I hope you're still getting notifications about this thread reply. If not, I'll FB you soon. I just saw you came off night-shift and felt so bad for not keeping in touch (like I had promised...we'll get to that soon!). Albeit short but sweet, I enjoyed our chat. Then I briefly came on here and for some reason wanted to check your profile and saw this. I can completely relate, mdear.

1) I am sorry for not meeting up, when I said I would. I think a lot of it had to do with this website, in all honesty. It's quite a big thing to meet someone face-to-face after admitting doing what we do, isn't it? I'm just glad you came back to the forum when you needed support - that's exactly what it's there for :) I think when I admitted everything to you it was a relief and cathartic...but then I was petrified of meeting you again face-to-face. I wasn't sure whether to be "me" or the "me" you knew in school, or a weird hybrid? I've had a lot of "finding myself" to do, and I think I've done it. (cheeeeeeeese)

2) I am the EXACT same with that yearbook. Maybe not the DVD as such (because that was funny as feck, seeing a certain someone blasted with the fire extinguisher, eh??). But yeah, it just reminds me of how alone I felt. I know what you mean - we had friends, we still keep in touch with a few etc etc, but it was just that period of time where (for me personally) I was so unsure of myself and so emotionally drained by everyday things. Of course it's going to be upsetting "re-living" that time.

3) A slip-up, is a slip-up. I was once of the opinion that if I went a year free, then did it once, I was a fuck-up and had failed etc etc. But a full on relapse is entirely different. And I know things may be....strained :P between us. Not intentionally, but just because we've never had that relationship where we ever spoke about these sorts of things before...but I do hope that you're able to speak to me if you need to. Or on here! It is EPIC. Can't wait until it's a registered charity and im 30 and I win a shitload on Million Pound Drop for it ;)

I'll be home soon, so if you want you meet up, we can. Or if you're in the Burgh anytime, please give me a text.

Thanks for still using the site, JC. It's what I recommended it for.