I have been away for 8 years
Edit: now that I looked again I have only been away for 5 years.
I can’t help but smirk at my old posts and journal entries. So many times I didn’t think I was going to make it because of stupid junk. I graduated college 2 years ago. I am a registered nurse now. I have my own place and a decent significant other. The past 8 years were filled with hospitalizations but I’ve been pretty stable for the past 2 years. However, I recently lost my father extremely unexpectedly and times are hard. I was coping really well but then other things have piled on top of it and now I have re-entered a place of self pity. I know that only keeps me in the cycle of depression and behaviors but for some reason I feel like I’m entitled to a bit of a breakdown. I am always the voice of reason to people in my life, I’m the one who actually “got it together.” A few months ago I made a comment about how I truly felt that it was impossible for me to ever relapse, especially with the eating disorder. Here I am though. I know life is filled with ups and downs and life and death and I need to get a grip on myself but for some reason being so miserable feels so comforting.
I’m not looking for replies or support or anything. I think I just wanted to speak.
I’m sorry about your dad. That would be tough on anyone. It’s funny how so many people with MHissues say they’ll never go back to x or y. I’ve said it myself. Fact is that we probably wouldn’t say that about physical illnesses. "I think it’s going to be pretty impossible I’ll break my arm again”.
Be kind to yourself and forgive the dark thoughts.x
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