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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Pomegranate 22-04-2008 09:57 PM

How did it go Ally? *hugs* x

~*forever_broken*~ 22-04-2008 10:36 PM

*hugs Emma*
How are YOU doing hun?
*passes a tea tray and waits*
------------------------------
My appointment... *sigh* I don't know, I didn't like it that's for sure. I felt like I was under a microscope. It was awkward and embarrassing and I don't enjoy talking about my views on death... Or the fact that people usually say things like 'Yes, I'm suicidal but I am willing to call for help if I think I might do something because it scares me' and not 'No, I probably wouldn't. I might call in an 'Oh sh*t' moment if I realize I do want to live, but not before'. Evidently that attitude is concerning. That along with the whole 'What's the point? You wake up, take care of your responsibilities, and go back to bed' and 'I don't understand why people cling to life so, why they're worried about 'missing' something. They won't miss it, they'll be dead' attitudes... To me it just seems logical... To them it's 'concerning'

After I went to the store because I'd found a loop hole... They didn't say I couldn't burn... But while walking around finding the stuff I wanted I felt SO pathetic I didn't get it. I've got stuff here, if I'm desperate I can burn... I did buy some new razors but I won't use them till Thursday afternoon...

Ugh, I just feel so pathetic, so flawed:crying:

Pomegranate 22-04-2008 10:53 PM

You are not flawed or pathetic hun *hugs* I'm sorry you didn't like it very much, although I guess counselling is not supposed to be enjoying really. As for views on death....ummm.....well, I am not sure I can offer much perspective there. I see where they are coming from with their concern about you not calling anyone if you were feeling suicidal but not so sure about the rest. I am sure they are probably right though, hence why it is us and not them that are sat in a virtual psych ward and labelled with being mentally ill. All I can say is stay strong. I am glad you didn't buy anything to burn with. Please don't hurt yourself. I think it was an implied promise rather than a literal thing. If they thought you would burn I am sure they would have included that too hun. Do you have to call them tomorrow?

~*forever_broken*~ 22-04-2008 11:21 PM

*sips her tea and waits some more*
Emm, how are you hun? Are you feeling any better about things?*massive hugs*
-----------
Yes, I have to call tomorrow... Not sure why except to let them know I'm still breathing and behaving. Then I've got another session with my counselor Thursday afternoon:crying:ugh, I hate this:crying:
Good point about the virtual psych ward though, made me smile :-)

*retreats to the Denial tent for a quick nap before next lecture*

zowie 22-04-2008 11:25 PM

I want to die.

Sugar and Spice 22-04-2008 11:54 PM

*hugs for everyone*

Ok, I am sorry for not having posted for a few days and, as such, have not been able to read everyone's posts. I will do tomorrow, promise!

Zowie, why do you want to die? Please look after yourself x

Alexx, I am sorry to hear that you got so low that you OD'd and that your parents have been far from supportive.

I have had a real emotional rollercoaster these past few days. I've experienced everything from being so happy that I was actually in tears to being so desperate and alone that I nearly tried to kill myself. And all in one day. It's exhausting.

I hope everyone is keeping safe x

Pomegranate 23-04-2008 01:13 AM

*hugs Zowie* one day all this will be over and you will be glad you kept fighting. At least thats how I try to look at it, although I realise sometimes this is a lot harder than at others. I guess it is just a belief we have to try and cling on to, that things will get better. Stay strong sweetie! Are you seeing anyone?

*hugs Carole* don't worry about it hun. Roller coasters suck...I don't like them. They make me scared and emotional roller coasters are worse because you never know where you are. Still, all roller coasters come to an end. Focus on that hun, and until it does then you have the denial tent and us and our support to keep you safe x

How was the nap Ally? They are just trying to check up on you sweetie. *hugs*

-------------------------

me? um....well I don't know. I was upset so drank a bottle of wine. Did sweet f all lol BUT then I got an email informing me I got a 2.1 on an essay I thought I had failed that was going to **** up my entire years average so I was very pleased. Now I have just realised that it is one damn essay....who cares. It's not a huge deal, and slowly the drowning feeling is creeping back. So I don't know is the answer I guess.

chocostashchick 23-04-2008 01:23 AM

*wanders around to give hugs and leave people cookies and hot chocolate*

~*forever_broken*~ 23-04-2008 05:06 AM

I feel awful awful awful awful awful:crying:
I feel pathetic, flawed... Deficient, 'profoundly and irreversible screwed up'... I can't really describe it but I hate it:crying:

~*forever_broken*~ 23-04-2008 07:27 AM

*hugs Emma* Good job on your essay! Of COURSE it's a big deal hun, you should be proud. Every essay and the like counts.
*hugs everyone else*

Sorry, I'm going to be selfish... Not address anyone else atm... I DO love you all.
--------------
I burned. It's not on the stupid contract so I did it... And it helped a bit I think. But really, I just want this all to go away... I keep looking at my wrist... It's funny the part of the cut over the vein seems to have healed faster than the rest of the cut... Maybe it's just my imagination... Anyway I wish I had finished... I wish I had cut deeper. Then I wouldn't be dealing with all of this... Then I wouldn't feel like a freak or whatever it is I'm feeling right now (I can't put words to it)... I'm so stupid, I've thought several times of going out to my car where I left the blades I bought till I can cut on Thursday... Of getting them and doing it. And there's no emotion behind these thoughts... They're just very matter of fact... What does that mean? Am I more likely to do it? Or am I more likely to hold out? I'm so stupid I can't even figure out whether or not I actually want to kill myself! What I do know is... It wouldn't bother me if I died. If I got hit by a car tomorrow they'd have a hell of a time keeping me alive because I'd just let go, not fight it... Is that weird?

effervescence 23-04-2008 09:52 AM

hey guys. i have read all your posts and im sorry everyone seems to be having such a **** time of things. im not doing very well so all i can say right now is: ally, the thing about people not caring, cos they'd be dead, this is how i feel, and what i say a lot to people when they get me to talk when i'm suicidal. last night for example. haha. but hey. im still here, wat more can u ask

Jetforce 23-04-2008 01:00 PM

I'm not doing too great atm ppl...

feeling like rubbish, oh well, i'll manage somehow

How is every1 else? *hugs all who needs them*

MammaMia 23-04-2008 03:32 PM

*hugs Ally* How are you feeling sweetheart? You're not pathetic or flawed or any other bad name under this damm sun. You're an amazing girl who's just unfortnately struggling pretty badly but deep down you're coping, even just a little bit. You're still breathing and trying to get through this. That takes courage hunnie.

Alex, how are you doing sweetheart? *big huggles* I did text you last night but I couldn't remember if you could text back or not. So I hope you're okay :)

Jemery, wanna talk? *huggles*

Carole, how are you feeling today hun? Hopefully a little bit better. xx

*hugs Emma* How are you feeling hunnie?? I hope today will be better for you than yesterday. I know times are hard, but you CAN and WILL get through this. I believe in you hun. Yeah maybe you've cut or whatever but at least you're trying to cope. I'm sorry to hear about your grandparents, but you are NOT a **** granddaughter hun. No way. I hope you won't OD hun, cus we all know it's not the true answer. Though it's hard to realise that when you're so low etc.

Zowie, how you feeling hun?

*hugs for everyone else*
----------------------------------

I still feel shitty and stressed. I feel really tired even though I'm FINALLY slowly sleeping better for the first time in a long time. I need as much sleep as I can over next few weeks with exams.

I think I've made a final decision on Psychology. Friday will be my last lesson. It's sad and I feel like I've let myself down. But everything that I was good at is decreasing at a massive rate (life has taken over) and just recently I get triggered in Psychology now. Espically when we keep saying the words "psychological harm" HA.

I hate the word harm >.< Just makes me wanna smash the **** up on my hand or whatever. I'm trying so hard not to cut anywhere. But if I really have, my hand has to take the brunt right now. I refuse to cut my legs espically, I'm going on holiday in just under 12 weeks...so gotta let those scars get healing with some help of course ;)

I know I need to get my blood test sorted out, gonna ring tomorrow and hopefully they'll answer. Meh meh meh. I don't want to see my gp as it is >.< Oh well. Least he won't try shove any support on me this time hahahaha cus he knows my appointment has been confirmed, so that will make him happy hopefully. Do I have to tell him I od'd just to get that test? Hmmm hopefully not. >.<

I hate coursework. But least by friday it'll be handed in. Supossed to get my net back tomorrow wheeeeee!

I hate life. One of my friends just had to have an abortion because otherwise she's risking losing her life (which was already at risk) and the baby's. It's such a shame. I'm trying not to get upset about it, but as harsh as it is to say it....it's not my problem. So I know I have to try and not get my emotions about it. I know it sounds harsh :(

I've heard from the other Emma (lil-princess) incase anyone was wondering. Without telling you what's happened, she's not doing too good and has no net either. I know she'll get through her ****...she has me for one....

*wishes she could cry and cut so muchh and so hard*

Oh, my toe is okay today :) Not broken after all! My hand still hurts every now and then. My headache has gone, it'll be back probs later....

Another thing that's really doing my head in, is the fact everyone seems to be ignoring my emotions lately haha. Maybe our one2one is the ONLY time I'm allowed to tell you how stressed I am?

Ohhhh I nearly forgot to say....in Psychology today. One of the girls was saying how she had a 8 day old headache (tension one, like I had a few months back probs) and Sophie told her to take some parcoteomal and our teacher turned around and said "be careful. it's not good for you to take too many"

I could have cried. Those words stabbed me so hard. But never mind. Just like he doesn't know what the word harm does to me. Thank god I'm probs leaving after friday's lesson....

zowie 23-04-2008 07:38 PM

*Hugs everyone*
Still feeling ****. I'm scared what I might do.
Luckily I have an appointment with the EIP tomorrow, so I might hold out until then.

chocostashchick 23-04-2008 07:41 PM

ick

*hides in Denial Tent*

we're all a bit of a mess atm arent we
i vote we all huddle together in the tent and never leave
if we don't come out the badness can't find us

Detour. Derail 23-04-2008 09:52 PM

I wanna huddle too :(
I've just spoke to a crisis team woman...
I feel...ok...but at the same time...I feel like
I'm just surviving. Getting by. Acting.

~*forever_broken*~ 23-04-2008 10:45 PM

I feel sh*t atm
No reason other than the last few days but...:crying:
good lord, I really AM pathetic, despite what y'all are saying... goodness I need to just get my act together

*crawls in the denial tent and sobs*
sorry, can't support atm... but I love you all*hugs*

chocostashchick 24-04-2008 01:12 AM

*huddles with Alexx and Ally and shudders in fear*

theycantmakemeleavethetenti'mnotleavingthetentnote veri'mnot

Zowie and Helen and Emma and Jeremy and Chloe and everybody you can hide with us to in the huddle in the Denial Tent if you want

that's pretty much all i can offer right now

i have therapy tomorrow and i have this stuff i should tell the therapist that i dont want to and i dont see this working anyway nothing has happened and my job is supposedly a joke job that is way below what i am capable of but it is really hard right now like them just asking me to photo copy a report and bind it and overnight it to somebody is really overwhelming and stressful and i keep worrrying that i will mail it wrong or photocopy it wrong and for ****s sake if the mail and a photocopier that all you do is press start on is too much for me what the hell can i be expected to do with my life how the hell am i supposed to go back to school or have a real job? and i cant even take care of myself my room is a huge pile of laundry and just the idea of it is so exhausting that i cant do laundry and the door to my closet wont close and the door to my room wont close because there are huge piles of dirty clothes and piles of clean clothes because for the last two months or so when i do do laundry it is too exhausting to put the clean clothes away so i just have a pile of clean clothes on the floor i am such a lazy ****up and i have been soooo bad lately like the worst ever i swear therapy is a conspiracy it accomplishes nothing nothing is different

*hides in tent and throws chocolate candies at people because she is too lazy to get up and hand it out*

~*forever_broken*~ 24-04-2008 06:27 AM

*snuggles her RYL twin*
Love you Callie. I am sorry you are having such a time of it. I understand when simple things just seem too overwhelming. I wish I had something for you but I'm a wreak atm:pinch: I would suggest telling the therapist what it is you've got to say... It is always more helpful to be honest and open. *massive hugs*
---------------
I just want to die. To go to sleep tonight and not wake up. I've got a therapy session tomorrow and I DON'T want to go:crying:. I think maybe I'll just not say anything. I tend to be too honest and at the moment honesty is not going to get me anything but trouble. I want to OD, I want to cut, I want to get completely sh*t faced... All things that are not allowed right now. And I want to cut my wrist:pinch:... I want to die... And that TOTALLY wouldn't go well for me if I were to fess up to it:crying:
*hides in the Denial Tent under her blanket, clutching her stuffed lamb*
:crying:Please... Make it stop:crying:

zowie 24-04-2008 12:01 PM

*Crawls into the denial tent and hugs everybody*
Sob

MammaMia 24-04-2008 12:25 PM

*hides and huddles in the denial tent*

Arrrrgh I am so stressed, it's unbeliveable. >.< They HAVE to get us our net (and phone and cable) back today or I swear I'll be so ****ing mad.

I need it for my coursework tonight chances will be >.<

I HATE COURSEWORK TODAY!!!!!!!!!

MammaMia 24-04-2008 03:54 PM

Yaaaaaay My Net Is Back!!!!!!!!!

MammaMia 24-04-2008 03:54 PM

So I'll be online bowt 5pm when I'm home XD

It's nearly 3 and I finish at 4pm :D

zowie 24-04-2008 05:25 PM

I have a certain number of my meds which I'm considering taking. They aren't enough to kill me, but they'll probably knock me out.

I'm scared and feel so awful.

MammaMia 24-04-2008 05:51 PM

*hugs Zowie lots* Wanna talk?

OMG I HAVE MY NET BACK <3333333

zowie 24-04-2008 08:05 PM

I've taken an OD :(

MammaMia 24-04-2008 08:24 PM

*lots of hugs*

Will you get checked out? :( xxx

zowie 24-04-2008 11:26 PM

I ended up in A&E and I'm being admitted to a psych hospital. Again. I've been out 9 days, and I'm going back.
****.

MammaMia 24-04-2008 11:34 PM

Hun, I don't know what to say other than surely it's for the best in the long run?

*lots of hugs*

I'm struggling so bad. Not that most people in my everyday life seem to care. Obviously my mum, dad and sister keep talking to me but there's just stuff I can't talk to them about. :( *cries and hides*

~*forever_broken*~ 25-04-2008 12:17 AM

*hugs Zowie and Helen*
Zowie I am sorry to hear you are going back to hospital but I am glad that you got checked out and are safe hun *massive hugs*

Helen, hun, I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time of it, what's up luv? *snuggles*

I'm feeling crap and yet rather relieved at the same time. I had my additional (well, second additional) therapy session this afternoon and it went better than I had anticipated. AND I get my Tylenol back AND I can drink :-D I've already bought new blades (actually I was bad and bought them Tuesday:pinch:)... I'm going to cut tonight, and get compleately trashed, it will be lovely. AND I'll have my Tylenol should I want to OD one of these days in the future.
:hop: :hop: :hop: :hop: :hop: :hop: :hop: :hop: :hop: :hop: :hop: :hop: :hop:
Now if only I felt better:notsure:

MammaMia 25-04-2008 12:28 AM

*snuggles Ally*

It's good to see you glad about this...well not really but haha.

Arrrrgh I'm just ****ing stressed and those wonderful feelings of suidice are trying to muscle back in. Today has been a pure nightmare. I even cut in class. Nobody seems to give two shits about me at the moment.

I'm worried about Jane though. I hope she's feeling better and will be in tomorrow. I need to know she's okay you know?

~*forever_broken*~ 25-04-2008 12:40 AM

*snuggles Helen*
Sorry to hear about it hun. And yeah, I understand about needing to see Jane *nods*. Please fight those suicidal thoughts hun... I'm in the same boat so I'll try and do the same...

Pomegranate 25-04-2008 01:29 AM

*hugs Helen and Ally and Zowie and anybody else who needs them*

I am glad they have loosened the contract a bit Ally hun but please try to be careful. You don't want to end up in hospital which you could if they get concerned.

*pokes Helen and sends caffeine tablets and motivation to help with coursework* Just think this time tomorrow it will all be finished hun.

When are you doing back to hospital Zowie hun? How are you feeling now?

----------------------

I am going to Wales tomorrow to care for my Grandma because my grandpa has gone back into hospital yesterday. So getting 2 hour train back home to pick up my car and then drive 2.5 hours to Wales. I just want to know where I am with everything. I want to spend three days solidly self destructing. Drinking, cutting properly, ODing, sleeping- just to give me time away from the real world, but instead I am going to Wales to care for my nan. Better I know, but I cant help thinking I don't have the energy.

My mental health co-ordinator said there is a professionals meeting about me at 2pm tomorrow which obviously I can't attend as I am in Wales. I thought it would be better after I saw her because it was the first time in over 7 weeks but it wasn't and now I am not seeing her again until 14 th May. I just want a stop button so I can pause my life and fastforward or rewind to a time when it was all easier.

MammaMia 25-04-2008 02:01 AM

*hugs Emma tight*

ARGH.

Today is out to get me already. It's only 1am. So far I've not got any coursework since I left college done, because I CANNOT FIND A MICROSOFT WORD TRAIL TO USE FOR FREE. I ****ing hate this world. I'm gonna be in so much **** with everyone tomorrow. Thanks whoever. Me & my mum had two huge rows and she's already pissed me off earlier about my cuts. **** YOU. **** THIS WORLD.

I would so prefer to self destruct but haha helen cant. No pills. No nothing. Oh well. Cuts will do for tonight.....

Today is turning out **** and I haven't even crawled into bed yet!!!

Auburn Shadow 25-04-2008 02:18 AM

*hugs everyone*

I hate my overactive imagination. Makes my urges so, so much worse. Cause I can visualise it. every drop. help?

~*forever_broken*~ 25-04-2008 05:13 AM

Drinking... I'm starting to think this isn't a good idea... Oh well *shrug*

Detour. Derail 25-04-2008 10:57 AM

Anyone home?

I had an awful day yesterday :/
Made sooooo much better by my mum and dad and their SNIDE remarks :pinch:
*sigh*
I feel like I've been away FOREVER...:/
and I feel really really fat ><
Mum even asked me if i was pregnant the other day :shocked: (not the BEST confidence boost in the world if we're honest...)
But anywayyyyyssss...

*huggs & cookies for everyone*

~*forever_broken*~ 25-04-2008 04:28 PM

*curls up as small as she can in her corner*
Oh. My. Goodness. I feel absolutely AWFUL:crying: I don't know why and I don't know what to do. Images of cutting so that I could bleed to death (there are a handful of good spots on the body I know would work) are back with a vengeance:crying: So are thoughts of over dosing:crying: I wonder if sometimes people kill themselves just to escape these thoughts:crying:

Sorry... I'm no help today:-(

Hunni 25-04-2008 07:43 PM

*sits in the corner crying* i am complete scum, i don't deserve my daughter i don't deserve my hubby i don't deserve air.

MammaMia 25-04-2008 08:12 PM

You can get throug this Ally. I have faith in you sweetie.

Hunni, you're not complete scum hunnie. You DOOO deserve your daughter, the little cutie and you deserv your hubby && air. xxx

Hunni 25-04-2008 09:51 PM

nope i'm scum, i don't deserve her, i don't deserve anything for what i did

MammaMia 25-04-2008 09:51 PM

Anybody home?

(I'm tipsy :S)

MammaMia 25-04-2008 09:52 PM

Huni, you are NOT scum. You do deserver her.

Hunni 25-04-2008 09:56 PM

*sits in the corner rocking* it's just no fair. and i can't take it back, i just wanna take it back

MammaMia 25-04-2008 09:58 PM

*huggles you*

If you wanna talk, you know we're here. No pressure tho xx

Hunni 25-04-2008 10:02 PM

i don't know why now all of a sudden it's bugging me...two years ago the year before i got pregnant with my daughter i got pregnant....he said he'd support whatever i chose but i was so scared he'd leave me i did something i swore to myself for as long as i can remember that i would never ever do, and i did it just so he wouldn't leave me. and now all of a sudden it's bugging me, and i hate it, i hate myself for doing it. i just wanna take it back. i wanna hold it in my arms and love it.

effervescence 26-04-2008 01:14 AM

hello peoples. how are we all today?

ally, how are you? i know it's so hard to try and ignore all the thoughts and images but please try to. we all know it doesnt really help in the end.

emma, it might be nice to get away for a bit and see your grandmother, get a bit of a change of scenery.

helen, glad ur net is back :) i'm sure your coursework will sort itself out in the end. well done for actually caring and trying to get it all done tho :)

hunni, my friend did the same thing a year ago. it's not something to hate yourself for, everyone has different reasons and you can't predict how life would have turned out if you had acted differently. the important thing is you made a decision and were strong enough to stick to that difficult desicion. and now u have a lovely baby who you love so much and im sure u are doing a great job of bringing her up because it's obvious how much you love her.

callie? jeremy? *hugs*

well. my friend has just left, we only really got to spend thurs night and friday together. i miss her already :( just back to boring old uni and no friends and chemsitry exams arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i had to be careful none of my new scars showed up in any photos we took cos my parents will be seeing them :( i hate that i have to think about things like that. and yes callie i know you're going to say well that's an incentive not to cut and it should be, and i can say that now, but next time im triggered, it won't be enough. so yes. i now feel like crap. hooray for me.

MammaMia 26-04-2008 01:50 AM

I forgot to mention, I got all the coursework handed in. Just got to hand in my other coursework which I finished days ago and thats less weight in my bag lol.

I'm so confused about how I feel. Maybe it'll wear off when I'm not intoxicated, though I'm not actually drunk. I feel increadibly sick though. Hmmm.

effervescence 26-04-2008 02:23 AM

well done helen.

OI JEREMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

you're up in the questions thread in vets general :p

~*forever_broken*~ 26-04-2008 05:32 AM

*hugs Cloe*
Sweetie, maybe having to be careful to hide new scars SHOULD be incentive not to cut... But we all know it's a pretty lousy one and doesn't do much good *snuggles* Don't feel crap hun, you're lovely.

Helen, good job for getting your course work done and in!!

Hunni, I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling. I would like to validate those feelings though as they are very real and very... Well, valid. I hope, sweetie, that the hurt and regret will lessen. In the mean time luv, please try and remember how much you are loved and how wonderful you are. And try and delight in the adorable little girl you have (she's just about the cutest thing).*hugs*
---------------
*sigh* I keep cutting my wrist. It bleeds a lot, which feels good... Ugh, there's something seriously wrong with me when I am comforted by the feel of blood running down my arm:pinch: Well, that and the fact that I could accidentally cut too deep and I don't care overly much.


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