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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

FlyingNy 26-08-2010 02:29 AM

No Helen, I can't. It's complicated. She can't wait to have me out of her life though. So yes Enrigue Iglesias, I do know what it feels like loving someone who's in a rush to throw you away.

Thanks Taz, that actually made me smile. I'm off for an ice cream feast at the weekend, although it just hurts so much. All of it. Not just her, everything. I'm so alone.

Lex, I'm so sorry. Sorry this won't be as long as I would like because although it was a year ago Friday, I find it hard to talk about. Point is, my nan was dying this time last year. I called her Nana too. This is the worst part though. I know it sounds awful, but it gets easier once they die. You don't have to watch them suffer anyone and you can get on with greiving. NOt that I ever did. I never let myself. Still haven't and although it's been a year tomorrow, I can't greive. Oh crap, tomorrow. Gah. Anyway, I know what you're feeling right now, but I also know it gets easier. In time. PM me if you ever need to talk. *Hugs*

xx

Detour. Derail 26-08-2010 02:31 AM

thanks lia. im scared

MammaMia 26-08-2010 02:35 AM

Sorry I wish I had something useful to help you both =[

FlyingNy 26-08-2010 02:40 AM

This is weird. I'm actually talking about my feelings. My tears must be melting my ice queen heart. Anywho...

I know Lex. I was. I still am. This is the worst part though, watching them suffer and knowing there's nothing you can do. For weeks I didn't know if she was gonna live or die. She would be doing really well, then she would get sick again. This was in the summer holidays, so I didn't even have school as a distraction. Still, I did well on my Romeo and Juliet essay. I thought writing about other people's **** lives would take my mind off my own. I promise it gets better. It might help if you grieve with your family. I shut myself off from mine, never cried in front of them, never bought it up. Shutting off and pushing people away doesn't help. Take my word for it. See her as often as possible and tell her you love her every time you leave, even if it's just to go for a pee.

xx

Detour. Derail 26-08-2010 02:52 AM

I hope so. I feel like im falling apart

taz35 26-08-2010 02:57 AM

*squishy hug for Hels*

*squishy hug for Lia* It takes a lot for some people to talk about their feelings. Once you're on a roll, don't stop :) I'll give you lots of duct tape for the heart, although it's been known to only do a half-assed job in the past... But fingers crossed you find somebody else who can love you as much as you love them :)

*squishy hug for Lex* My grandma died from lung cancer in July of '06, right before my 16th birthday. It sucked... and it's normal to feel scared, and sad, and worried... and anything else. When it gets to be too much just remind yourself of the great times you had, and treasure the time you spent with her. You're strong - you can fight through this <3

FlyingNy 26-08-2010 03:07 AM

You don't know the half of it Taz, how odd this is...Well I am on a role though. But there are things I can never talk about. Mainly because I don't even believe myself, so I don't know how I expect anyone else to.

It just hurts so much right now. All of it. I'm falling apart and I'm doing it all alone. My own fault I know, but sometimes, I just wish I wasn't. This mood will be gone by tomorrow and I will be back to saying I'm fine, pushing eveyone out and I don't know how much longer I can do it and I'm gonna shut up now beacause I know I will regrett saying all this when I wake up, but I'm hurting so much and I'm so scared.

Lex, do you ever talk to your family about this? Others who are feeling the pain of losing her too? We're always here, I'm just wondering. It helps talking to those who know exactly how you feel. I do, but obviously, for a differnet person.

x

shadowedsoul 26-08-2010 03:16 AM

Huggles all, sneaks back in borrows some blankets and dives under them before I get spotted. Hmm still feeling low, stuiped thoughts in my head.going to stay here don't feel safe.

FlyingNy 26-08-2010 03:22 AM

Hello Jill *hugs* Already been spotted, but dw, you don't have to talk to me if you don't want.

xx

shadowedsoul 26-08-2010 03:28 AM

Damn lol thought I got away with that =p Lol.it's not that lia, just can't explain how Iam. I'm rubbish at telling people how I feel. Sorry. How are you?

FlyingNy 26-08-2010 03:31 AM

Well I can defo sympathise with that one. I think I'm even worse. I tend to respond with 'I'm fine' althought I'm clearly not. I'm all cleaned out with venting how I feel tonight, but thanks anyway, and I said some stuff on the previous page. Hope you're coping, even if you're not exactly ok. Stay safe.
xx

shadowedsoul 26-08-2010 03:38 AM

Huggles,Yeah I know how that goes, I would probley say the same. I don't want to worry you or anyone by saying how I feel, so erm will stick with Iam fine, even if it's furthest from the truth right now. =(

Detour. Derail 26-08-2010 04:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IceQueenHasAHeart (Post 2462139)
Lex, do you ever talk to your family about this? Others who are feeling the pain of losing her too? We're always here, I'm just wondering. It helps talking to those who know exactly how you feel. I do, but obviously, for a differnet person.

x

sometimes. My mum tends to be like "this is happening and this is happening. She doesnt talk about the emotional side...even when I try...and when i do get upset i get told to get a grip

anarchistl0ve 26-08-2010 04:13 AM

I am not sure why I am so low

Kahlia1981 26-08-2010 05:37 AM

*huggles all*

Just finished at the doctors. They were really good about helping me to deal with my anxiety. Now I feel like I need to collapse.
So.over.it.all .....

Detour. Derail 26-08-2010 07:13 AM

Guys...I dont feel very good.
Im going for a walk...
I feel shitty

FlyingNy 26-08-2010 11:13 AM

Stay safe Lex *hugs* You have every right to be upset, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Glad to hear to appointment was succsessful Kahlia. The last part of your name is the same as my first name. :) I haven't only just noticed, I'm not that slow, I just thought I would point it out.

*Apies April* How are you this morning? *Hugs*

I for one am exhausted. 5 hours last night and the one before that. None whatsoever the night before that and broken sleep with nightmares about a week before that. Wow I have to catch up, but I doubt I will. Oh well. Who needs sleep. It's a waste of life.

x

Scarletdreamer 26-08-2010 12:07 PM

Urf... *cuddles all* I feel like a train ran over me...

Last night was full of "drama" between Jarrod & me. Well, as dramaleptic as we get, that is. Which isn't too terribly much. He was just telling me on the ride home from my NP appt how he felt/feels about some things, and they really hurt me... stuff like how he always feels like he starts dreaming again and then has to shoot down all of his dreams (because of me & my needs), and how he doesn't understand why I don't just "swallow my pride" and do more housework (it was about pride before but now I just can't get up the energy to do it, yesterday I really wanted to do the dishes, but I couldn't *cries*), and how he doesn't understand why I need support going to my NP appts and why I can't just drive myself. It just went on and on and then finally he went quiet and I didn't talk to him for the rest of the drive. And then later I burst into tears, cried until I had a tummyache, haven't cried that much in ages. :(

Anyway. So that was last night's drama and we mostly got it sorted. Which is good, because otherwise I wouldn't have slept well last night. :-/ And it turns out that most of my dress clothes are wrapped up in mothballs at my parents' house... so... I'm just going to have to make do with what I've got here for my job interview. >_< Hopefully I'll have time to wash my mothball-y dress clothes before/if I start at the job (if I get it >_< dunno why I keep thinking I'll get it). So, despite how chilly it is out, I think I'll be going with a brown skirt and a black top, with a maroon dressy-ish zip-up fleece for warmth, hah, unless it warms up later. (In case you were wondering, mothball = dead fleas, and apartment = flea infestation... so basically we were just trying to make sure that any fleas in my excess of clothing would dieeeee before we brought them out again. Blah. Stinky mothballs, I hate you. :P)

Anyway. Now I'm rambling. But my head is aching already - got up at 5:20am and have to be awake this afternoon, ahahaha, that ought to be interesting. Awake and coherent, which will be difficult due to sleepiness + ED "side effects." Stupidness.

Sorry. I totally rambled. :( And I did read all of the posts but they are wayyy too many to reply to, about 2 full pages since I last posted... sorry guys. :( *extra cuddles to make up for it?*

Doikers 26-08-2010 01:11 PM

There has been over 3 pages since I last posted and a lot going on so sorry for the lack of individuals :S I'm home after spending the night at my parents for my grans 80th , My busy bee day yesterday went okay but 1 appointment I took down the volunteer form and CRB form to the volunteer burero and was shaking SO badly from nerves and Lithium so I talked with my worker there and she made me tea -2 cups I was still shaking after 1 cup- and we went along and I was all pysched up to do it and the manager said I have to go along next Wednesday *Sigh* Nevermind
.

*Hugs the Ward*

RYUU 26-08-2010 01:43 PM

Hi am Reaper FTM Transsexual aged 33 from Scotland i have BPD PTSD and psychosis
At the moment am not so safe but i made some one a promise that i wouldn't cut today so am trying not to cut voices are telling me i must cut
that i have to be punished because i am dirty
i feel unclean no matter how much i have a shower am always dirty

one_step_closer 26-08-2010 01:48 PM

Hi Reaper, welcome to the ward. I hope you find this a safe place to be. Remember that you are in control, you don't have to cut. We are all here to support you.

Doikers 26-08-2010 01:51 PM

Hi Reaper , Welcome :) I'm Mark.

MammaMia 26-08-2010 01:59 PM

*cuddles everyone*

I.am.worn.out (Y)

RYUU 26-08-2010 02:04 PM

Hi Mark and one step closer

Thank you for the welcomes and the support

The One Who 26-08-2010 02:07 PM

Hi Reaper, and Becci and all the other new people that I can't remember. I can't quite keep up with the three+ pages worth, sorry!

MammaMia 26-08-2010 02:09 PM

Hehe, don't worry Claire, we move fast constantly these days. It's very rare we go quiet all at the same time.

Just don't hesitate to post for support, that goes to all the newbies in here ^_^

one_step_closer 26-08-2010 02:10 PM

I'm struggling not to SI on my arms, I have to go to the gym with my support worker on Monday and I don't want to wear long sleeves. It's so difficult.

The One Who 26-08-2010 02:17 PM

What is making you want to SI? Although it will be difficult, can you use going to the gym as a motivation for not SIing?

one_step_closer 26-08-2010 02:18 PM

I don't really know what's triggering me. I won't be able to use the gym as motivation, i'll end up just cutting my legs.

RYUU 26-08-2010 02:42 PM

one_step_closer what else can you do ? do you like art? maybe do something arty get your feelings out that way

Doikers 26-08-2010 03:02 PM

OH! I think I forgot to intrduce myself to Becci :S , HI Becci I'm Mark , *Waves*

misskitty112 26-08-2010 03:25 PM

*hugs everyone*
Maybe this weekend I'll have the time to read and reply. But I'm off to Creative Writing class. Love you!

one_step_closer 26-08-2010 03:45 PM

Reaper, i'm not artisic at all. I ended up cutting and probably will continue to. I'm a mess and no one can help me.

How is everyone else?

RYUU 26-08-2010 04:18 PM

Am sorry you cut

I had a shower but still feel dirty ... i dont feel strong at all i feel weak
cant resist the voices any more

one_step_closer 26-08-2010 04:23 PM

What are the voices saying? You are stronger than them.

taz35 26-08-2010 04:47 PM

*waves to Reaper* I'm taz :)

*hugs everyone else*

Am really not in a good place. My head is a mess. I'm debating about crawling back into bed and saying **** the world until it's all over...

Scarletdreamer 26-08-2010 04:51 PM

Welcome Reaper, I'm April. :)

I spy Taz & Crimson *tackles* How are you two??

Hels, how're you doing?

Laura, you've been awfully quiet lately... how have things been going?

Mark, how you doing now?

Oliver, you've also been awfully quiet... don't blame you after all that's been going on but I/we miss you. :(

Becci, welcome back...

Beki, how are you?

Claire, how're you today?

Jill, what's up, hon?

Julie, are you still about?

Sorry, I think my brain just exploded. >_< I apologize if I missed you, 'cause I know I missed some people... that's why I don't usually do a names-list. Because inevitably I leave some people out & they feel bad about that.

Job interview in a bit over an hour. I am so scared. I know what I'm wearing, I'm bringing along my portfolio (which I had to put together for senior sem this past spring, dunno if they'll care to take a look at it, but hey... can't hurt to bring it along, can it?), but I'm still terrified. I need to find some confidence. :-S

Went with my mum to spin some more this morning. It was fun. My bobbin is almost full of (not quite even) yarn... purple. ^_^ Woot. I wish I could get a spinning wheel but since I'm not good with knitting yet dunno what I'd do with all of the yarn. >_<

*hides in a corner and pretends that she's planning to eat lunch* >_<

The One Who 26-08-2010 04:54 PM

What is the job? Sorry if you've already mentioned it. Remember to breathe! Big deep breaths, and take a few seconds to think of your answer before saying.

I'm a bit better today, I think. Just got a lot on my mind really.

PoisonedApple 26-08-2010 04:57 PM

*waves @ Becci, Reaper and Claire* I'm Crimson!

Sorry guys I may not be able to be on much if at all today but I wanted to let you know... A new volunteer is going to be here to help me (since I'm doing 2 people's jobs right now) and I don't know if he'll be here all day or just an hour or what... Either way I don't want this up while he's here. :(
*huggles and luvells you all*

RYUU 26-08-2010 05:00 PM

They are telling me that i have to cut that i am a failure and that am better off dead

i took more of my chlopromazine to see if that will help with the voices

Scarletdreamer 26-08-2010 05:18 PM

Claire, the job is paid & parttime and is a peer counseling position at a local support center. I was a psych major in uni so I fit the qualifications really well. It would be a "perfect" first-time job, and would also be a wonderful starting position for someone who's still got appts all over the place (lol)... if I get it, I just hope that I can set my own hours. Not sure if I'll be able to do that... but I can hope. Hah.

I'm gonna go get dressed up and read for a bit, then be on my way. I'm so.****ing.scared!!!!

Doikers 26-08-2010 05:24 PM

I know I already said this but GOOD LUCK with your interview!!!! *Hugs April*

*Hugs Reaper*

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Claire* You spell your name like my sisters middle name :)

*Hugs Taz*

*Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Lindsay*

The One Who 26-08-2010 05:25 PM

I spell my name the proper way ;)

Really good luck with the interview! Sounds like an amazing opportunity for you.

*hugs everyone*

MammaMia 26-08-2010 05:33 PM

Good luck April =)

FlyingNy 26-08-2010 05:41 PM

Hey all

Hi Reaper, I'm Lia. :) Try to remember the voices are just that- voices. They can't really hurt you and you are stronger than they are. *Hugs if that's ok?*

Lindsey, I'm sorry you're so down right now. Try to stay safe for us. *Gentle hugs*

Good luck April! Do tell us how it goes, I'm rooting for you!

Just as predicted I'm out of my poruing my heart out mood. Back to being made of ice. Although it's a massive pain. The bed gets all soggy ;) I think I'm in a good mood right now. Strangely so.

xx

Doikers 26-08-2010 05:45 PM

Quote:

Back to being made of ice. Although it's a massive pain. The bed gets all soggy ;)
Heh Lia Thanks for making me smile :)

PoisonedApple 26-08-2010 06:03 PM

Good luck April!!!
*hugs*
You can do it! *crosses fingers*

RYUU 26-08-2010 06:08 PM

* hugs everyone *

one_step_closer 26-08-2010 06:10 PM

Good luck April!

SoMuchMore 26-08-2010 06:32 PM

wow almost 5 pages since i last posted... we are moving so fast in here.

*hugs everyone*

Good luck April!

To all the new people I haven't intoduced myself to (becci and reaper.. i think)- Hi! I'm Laura.

One more class and then the week is over (I dont have any class on fridays). I have a feeling this semester is going to be a lot of work.. hopefully i can keep up. Anyway, I am having dinner with the ex tonight. Don't know what there is to talk about, he probably just wants to catch up or something as i havent spoken to him in almost a month. Then i have work and then will probably go out to the bars with co-workers.

Sorry I haven't been posting much, I've been so busy this first week of restarting uni... I've read though. I've also been isolating a little bit when it comes to MH issues... which I know is bad... but sometimes it feels easier to just fake it all the time then be honest some of the time. So, brief overview, struggling quite a bit with SI urges... I don't know why though, other than anxiety, but even when i'm home alone and not anxious at all the urges are still there. I've also got some repetitive thoughts going on... or one repetitive thought i guess...its stuck in my head kind of like a song. I've tried to get other things stuck in there, listening to music, slam poetry, I tried writing it out, typing it out.. but the stupid sentence won't seem to leave. Oh well I suppose.

Anyway, I'm off to take a quick nap. I'm exhausted today for some reason. Don't know why, i got almost 7 hours of sleep, but either way, its nap time.


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