*hugs you lots*
Cant...really..talk..

*cuddles helen gently* aw hun, i wish i could say something that will help. Sorry that thing are getting worse. Try to stay strong

*hugs kahlia* sorry that you feel so low. I read your thing about the hospitals. Sounds like a good idea to put in some sort of complaint. I can't believe your town has had so many poor mental health professionals.

*hugs laurafriend* sorry that you are emotionally drained for counseling, but it sounds like it may have been kinda productive. I hope ur okay if u see that guy.

*cuddles alya* That sucks that you are so sick. Its hard to function like that i know. I agree that your bf doesnt sound like he's being very supportive.. I understand tho, my bf always gets angry too when i tell him i'm having a hard time dealing...

*hugs april* I reading ur venting spot. You are not worthless at all hun. I understand what you mean about wanting a new brain. I've actually said that same thing before... but then you wouldn't be you. Your a great/strong/supportive person. You've made it this far, don't give up now.

I'm so tired and i have no reason to be. Dreading the week. I doubt it'll be good at all. I feel overwhelmed and alone.. *hides in corner*

Mondays are always so awful.

*cuddles april, laura_friend and laura_star*

I'm pretty useless at knowing what to say in response right now, just got home from uni and I can't think straight (I guess it's good that I made myself go in, but I wish I hadn't).

*hides under a blanket for the forseeable future*

*hugs everyone*

Wow, a lot of posts since the last time that I posted... which wasn't TOO long ago. :) That makes me happy.

*cuddles Helen* I'm so glad that you're stopping yourself from cutting... I am too... although I really want to at the mo... have access to a sharp & just realized that. Want to use it so badly... I wish that the urges would just leave me alone for once!! :( Us alone, I guess is the better way to put it. What do you mean with the first few lines of your post? *more cuddles*

*cuddles LauraFriend* Sometimes the toughest counseling sessions are the "best" ones - i.e., the ones that get the most done. I'm glad that you were honest with her about what's going on... & I totally understand the emotionally draining bit!! Don't quit going though... even if you are thinking about it, it's a bad idea. I think you'll be getting somewhere shortly, especially if you continue to be honest with your counselor. :) Are you sure it's a wise idea for you to get drunk before going out tonight? :-/ doesn't seem like a good idea to me, but that might just be me. *gentle hugs*

*cuddles LauraStar* But you see, maybe the new brain would be a BETTER me... because honestly I don't see much about me that's good. :( I wish that I could see what you all see (if you see good things about me that is!!)... or what Jarrod sees. :( I hate feeling so blind. Oh, & I also feel overwhelmed & alone... but you're not alone, & you can take each day one step at a time. That's what my therapist told me to do today. ♥

*cuddles Ayla* Why are you sorry that you went to uni? are you feeling more ill than you were before, or did something bad happen? Don't worry about thinking straight, it's difficult to do when you're sick!! :)

I ate lunch... and now really want to purge. I hate myself so so much.

:crying:

*cuddles April*
Please try not to hurt yourself in any way please???
I know how bad the urges are :(
The first few lines is just referring to the situation with me and my bestie.
Not that anyone on ryl except us two know every detail.

*hugs everyone*
April - please don't hurt yourself *hugs* it will get better - look at where you've come from 2005!*hugs*

I dunno that i'm actually going out tonight...i just dunno that i can face C without being drunk because it completely ****ed up my head last night when i saw him.....having said that, i'm about to see him (most probably) in about 10 minutes when i go for tea.....thinking about it makes me feel sick. physically sick. i dunno about counselling....its kinda helping but kinda not. i just....urgh. i dunno.
*hides in a corner*

*hugs* how is everyone this morning?
my comp went wonky at home so i missed being on the net for more than a day of this weekend but even if it's still only half repaired i have internet here at work (the only thing that made me actually want to get out of bed today)...

*hugs april* I do see good things in you. You are nice and supportive. You always respond to everyone even when u are having a hard time, and I know that you have had a hard time and you've gotten thru it which shows ur strong. *cuddles* keep trying to fight the urges.

*hugs helen*

*hugs laurafriend* good luck with seeing him. I hope it goes alright. Stay strong.

Can someone please make my brain stop racing around from one thing to the next and sometimes feel like its getting caught on repeat? (I know that prolly doesn't make any sense.. sorry)

^^ sorry i missed you. We mustve been typing at the same time. Good to see you back around.

*hugs Laurastar* how are things? nah i know what you mean - "make my brain stop racing around from one thing to the next and sometimes feel like its getting caught on repeat?" - exactly what you mean. sucks. *hugs*

*hugs a_m* (sorry, i forgot your name :/ my bad) how's things going?

i just saw C. well....i avoided actually looking at him which i think he mighta noticed....*shrugs* i can't deal with talking to him atm. my head is ****ed. alcohol time soon :D .... i am a bad person. :(

Can I die now? :(

*hugs Helen* what's up hun? I'm sure it will get better eventually. It has to. We just have to hold on for a bit. *cuddles*

*hugs everyone*

April - The big situation is that the hospital diagnosed me with BPD based on the one criteria that I was a cutter. At the time I was severely depressed and also had manic episodes, both of which they dismissed. They (the hospital and public health system) offered me treatment, which consistently failed due to the fact that I did not, and do not have BPD. In 2000 I began to hear voices and experience other hallucinations and these were dismissed by the hospital as "attention seeking" (and I'm quoting that from the official file). I was forced to seek help through the private system (which my parents funded) and was diagnosed after 2 years as having schizo-affective disorder (bipolar type). I saw that pdoc until he left town due to the medical indemnity issues. I then saw another private pdoc who was given no prior knowledge of my case and after 1 year he also diagnosed me as having schizo-affective disorder (bipolar type). After seeing him for another two years I was forced to find another pdoc as that pdoc was changing his type of practice to suit his area of interest. Then I saw yet another private pdoc. He agreed (after numerous sessions) with the previous two pdoc's diagnoses and at the end of my time with him had also added DID. The hospital has refused to change it's stance, regardless of the three independent professional opinions and basically refuses to treat me. They will put me on the ward if they can't avoid it but their policy is that I just don't want to get well, and if they do nothing, everything will just magically improve.

Sorry that's a long spiel so feel free to ignore it.

As for what is making my mood so low and bringing on the crying spells ... I just don't know. About 5 weeks ago my mood just dropped and it hasn't recovered. It could be that my lithium isn't working. It doesn't appear to be anything psychological. I just have no idea what's going on. I see my new pdoc next on 29th March. I guess I just have to hold on until then.

*cuddles everyone tightly*

laurastar~ yeah i think we were. i saw you at the bottom after i posted :) i'm glad i'm back around too... i kinda go stir crazy without this place these days. i agree with laurafriend... makes total sense, maybe it only makes sense to those of us who've been there but still...

laurafriend~ no big i forget peoples names too :) eventually i'll put it under my username... it's crimson.
this morning kinda sucked but i just came back to my office to find early valentines day stuff from my husband (flowers, a teddy bear and chocolates). made the day brighter. and even better if the day goes down hill again i have a plushie to cuddle with.
and i disagree with you saying you're a bad person. i think you're a great person who's having trouble right now. and i avoid looking at people to avoid talking to them too. every morning on the bus i put my headphones in (whether or not i turn on my ipod) and open a book... most people keep their distance and leave me alone, even the ones that know me.

*cuddles april, helen and kahlia*

Kahlia~ did the hospital give a reason for dismissing you after the private doctors' diagnosis was brought to their attention?

helen~what's up?

Laura, I hope you're right. I really need things to be better.

Oh Kahlia, I know most of your post was to April but I read it :( *cuddles tight*

Angel, things are so bad, can't even explain one situation fully, that's making me so sad. :'(

*hugs Helen* they will get better. we have to believe that or else we can't hold on. It always gets better, it sometimes just takes longer. *cuddles*

*hugs Crimson* sounds like you've had a good day so far :) yay! i am a rubbish person. well...i guess i'm not a rubbish person, i just do bad things. meh. it equates to the same thing.

*hugs Kahlia* that all sounds pretty rubbish tbh (sorry, i read the bit to April too!) doctors can be rubbish. *cuddles* look after yourself.

i ignored C. like, actually.... he may well have tried to talking to me but tbh, my head isn't in a place where i could talk to him without either going mental and hitting him or crying. neither of which would be great tbh especially cos he's stressed atm....FFS WHY DO I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE?! :( sometimes i just need to think about myself....last night, i needed help and i didn't get any because i didn't wanna bother/worry anyone. i can't and i won't stress people out. but it just makes me worse. i am officially crap.

I'm so scared.
:'(
*curls up and cries*

me too :( *cuddles Helen*

*cuddles Laura tight*

*cuddles everyone*

A_M: No, the hospital hasn't given a reason.
Helen && Laura(friend): It's okay, I posted it so anyone could see it.

Thanks for the support everyone. I just wish that I could feel better. I'm so sick of crying. :(

argh screw everthing, evrthing falling apart. i cut the **** out of my arm,i just want to die. **** it all.

Arrrgh *hits things*

*cuddles April* I just felt so gross sitting there in class. And even though I got a friend to read out my creative work I still had to spend a substantial amount of time with everyone looking at me. I know it sounds silly. I just don't want to be looked at. I read the hidden bit of your post. I don't know what to say so I'll just carry on hugging, just don't forget how far you've come.

Kahlia - I hope you don't mind but I read the stuff to April too. It sounds so frustrating, you poor thing. *cuddles*

*cuddles laurafriend* i know exactly what you mean about not getting help when you want/need it because you worry about other people, but if you have someone you can trust you SHOULD put yourself first like you said, you deserve help and support as much as anyone else.

*cuddles laurastar* sometimes i feel like my whole life is stuck on repeat, it's one of the most frustrating feelings in the world. I understand totally. Poor you.

MammaMia - Helen is it? I don't think we've actually spoken to each other yet unless I've missed it/forgotten it (i'm not with it at the moment), seems like you're having a bad evening. *cuddles* if you want them. I'm around if you need a chat.

And ShadowedSoul - Are you safe? Do you want to talk about it?


I wish I didn't have the flu right now, it makes it harder to distract myself. All I can do is lie here and think about how much I want to hurt myself. I threw a cup at the wall earlier, but I'm so weak with flu it just bounced. So pathetic.

thanks hun, names jill. im safe sort of at the mo,feel like doing something stuiped. had a **** day at work,screwed up again, getting another writen warning. they said after this one, i could loose my job, they were kind of nasty saying i should have achived more in my ten years in the job, feel useless. got stuiped thoughts running through my head that people would be better of without me, just feel like saying **** it all. =[

:D :D
Okay, need to calm down a little.
Aha.

*hides in a corner with my new plushie and cries*

why can't life just leave me alone?

~sorry for not replying to everyone... just feel like **** right now...~

Hi Jill, sounds like you really have had a hard day, I can understand why you're so upset/angry. But you're not useless - if you were useless they wouldn't have kept you for so long in the first place! Regardless, really out of order that they made bitchy comments like that though *hugs* What do you do? Are they aware that you have a SH problem? Don't give in though sweetie, just take it moment by moment. I understand wanting to give it all up, I really do - but we'll pull through. Just take it slow. I'm here if you need to chat, feel free to PM me if you like.

I feel like **** right now so sorry for no responses to posts... need to get something out & then maybe I'll be able to respond later. :(

We're running low on money. And I'm blaming it - validly or not - on my stupid spending habits. I'm bipolar, and lately I've been having these spending sprees up to $80. I know it doesn't sound like a lot but it really is, for us, especially since Jarrod hasn't been getting overtime lately.

So I feel really awful with the amount of money in our checking account right now... I know that God will provide & that we have a lot of money in savings, etc., but we wanted to save that to help pay off my college loans. GAHHH!!!! **** my life, why does all of this seem to come to a head at once?

*heads to the denial tent so she can cry*

thanks hun, yeah mabye but i feel like a muppet, once again i have given the ammo to get rid of me. i work in a shop iam a full time sales assistant. worked there for 10 years. no only one manger does, but i havnt cut in ages, untill today it normally happens when im angery at myself. feel the need to punish myself.

*cuddles everyone* is sorry and feels stupid he doesn't know everyones name.

hates the fact that even though he had an ok evening he gets back home alone and feels **** again, so much stuff in head to think about and all so scary.

april - I know how stressful money troubles can be. I'm currently living pretty much hand to mouth at uni because i literally only have my student loan and what i earn (which isn't a lot at the moment as i keep missing work). it's hard to stretch that for rent, bills, food, books etc etc. But you'll pull through. Don't be so hard on yourself, we all slip up.

Jill - Anger can be so difficult to deal with but try and be gentle with yourself. People make mistakes at work, it happens to everyone. And it can be quite a shock when you SH for the first time in a while, give yourself some time for your mind to settle. You'll get through this.

I'm still so angry about the cup. It's so stupid that something so pathetic has pissed me off so much. ARGH!

*cuddles Oliver* hi Oliver, don't worry, I've only just started using the site again, it's taking me ages to remember who's who. What's up?

*waves in oliver's direction* no worries on names... i'm crimson *extends hand*

Crimson - I don't think we've spoken yet either *waves*

*cuddles jill* I agree with ayla.. try to be gentle with yourself. I know that being angry is hard to handle, especially when its directed at yourself. Try to take some deep breaths and just relax.. (easier said then done i know)

*hugs crimson and offers a blanket for hiding in if u still want to hide* stay safe.

*gently cuddles april and helen*

*hugs oliver* don't worry about not knowing everyone's name. I'm laura.. or i guess laurastar on here since we have 2 laura's lol.

*hugs alya*

Ahh this place is moving so fast. Sorry i forgot anyone.

Went to class.. I'm glad i only had big lectures today. I don't think i can handle small classes. I really wanted to talk to my bf about some stuff tonight.. but he's busy like usual.. *sigh* Idk maybe i would suck at talking anyway. Sometimes i can't put what is in my head into words.

*waves back to Crimson and shakes hands*
*cuddles Ayla back*
*Cuddles Laurastar back*
I went to a trans swimming group tonight, which was cool as havnt been swimming in ages due to certain issues with trans related stuff, met some new people and saw some people had met once before, but saw how far along in transistion some were and realised how far I have to go and how long its going to take and realised I'm going to have to start coming out to people soon and its scary as hell, and I feel so depressed and really want to cut, but havnt for a week which is so long for me to go and dont want to give in now, just feeling lonely and trapped I guess.
Has moaned for far too long
*hides himself in a corner*

Oliver - it does sound like an incredibly frightening experience but try and turn around how you're looking at it - you may have quite a way to go, but think how far you've already come. Well done for not cutting for a week, just take it bit by bit, you'll be alright. You should be proud of yourself. :)

Laurastar - I know what you mean about it moving fast, I didn't check for a few hours and there was tons of posts to go through. Is your bf at uni with you?

i've had exactly the right amount of alcohol to not be drunk and to feel utterly ****. fab. night of fighting the urges again for me then.....
ARGH ****
*hides head under arm and cries*

*hugs oliver* good job on not cutting for a week. Thats great! Try to stay safe, i know its hard.

*hugs ayla* yea my bf is here at my university. Although sometimes i dont feel like he is as he has gotten so busy that i only see him a few hours a week.. (i know i shouldnt complain since that is more then some ppl get to see thier significant others... but i'm used to having him around).
How r u doing?

*hugs laurafriend* I hope you were able to fight the urges.

I feel like im barely hanging on now. Like if one more thing happens idk how imma handle it... i'm such an idiot. I should be stronger than this.

*hugs Oliver* Hi :) a week is a long time so well done! :) i'm really struggling at the moment and i haven't gone a day without yet so a week sounds amazing! i hope you feel better soon though - fighting urges all the time is exhausting. *hugs*

*hugs Jill* Hi :) i hope today is better for you. If you've been there 10 years I'm pretty sure you know what's going on better than they do so they would be stupid to get rid of you! *hugs*

*hugs April* i dunno what to say rele. i'm a bit crap like that...lol *hugs* sorry. hope you're feeling better today

*hugs Ayla* how are you today?

*hugs Helen* Calm yet? lol

*hugs Crimson* whats up hun?

*hugs Laurastar* don't be silly, you're allowed to not feel like you can cope. it's not a weakness, it just means you need some support. which is fine! everyone does sometimes. *cuddles*

i don't feel too bad this morning. apart from a slight headache...i managed not to do anything stupid last night despite the fact i saw C i don't know how many times. urgh. i feel so crap when i see him. bad times. i'm going out later i thinks....and there's a protest this afternoon so might head down to that. fun times. anything to distract me from feeling crappy is good. lol

For once in my life, I don't think I know what to say :O

*cuddles everyone*

*runs into denial tent*

*wallops head of wall repeatedly*

*stops to wave at Oliver*

Gahhh...

*cuddles Helen* What's going on, sweetie?

*cuddles LauraFriend* Please try & take care of yourself, love. You deserve better treatment of yourself... please try to be responsible for your own safety the best you can - I know how difficult that is but no one else can force you to be safe. Also, about therapy, it may even seem to make you feel worse at the beginning - but that's okay - please don't quit!! ♥

*cuddles LauraStar* You made sense in saying that "please make [your] brain stop racing around from one thing to the next and sometimes feel like its getting caught on repeat?" I totally understand that too... heh. How are you feeling this morning? Oh, and you ARE a strong person already... even strong people struggle. :) What all is going on that makes you feel like you're going to break? *holds you gently*

*cuddles Franz* Good to see you here, love. Don't bang your head!! It's bad. What's going on that's making you feel like doing that? ♥

*cuddles Kahlia* Wow... sounds like you've been through about as many psychs as I have!! and have had your share of awful times in the MH system... holy crap. :( I'm sorry that you've had such a rough time with all of that. *holds you gently* You will make it through this... I'm bipolar with psychotic features & have made it through all of my bad episodes too... and you've come this far... keep on trudging, you'll make it. I know you will. I just wish that I could help you more. :(

*cuddles Ayla* How're you doing, sweetie? are you feeling any better from the flu?

*cuddles Crimson* What's up, hon? :)

*squishes Oliver* I'm sorry that you have so much stuff that you are dreading doing... I can't imagine coming out, it must be so difficult!! Best wishes on doing it... you'll be fine, it may be turbulent for awhile but things WILL settle down. They always do after change, even in relationships. And if people don't want to be friends with you after you come out, then that's THEIR problem. *gentle cuddles* Oh, and congrats on not cutting for a week!!! That's amazing. :D

I feel like ****... :( I just rescheduled my NP appt which was supposed to be for tomorrow but due to weather predictions had to reschedule. She's not going to be too happy... but oh well, she can just deal. Heh. I do care about her, a lot, she's a good person & a close "friend" (as close to a friend as someone who is an authority over you can be)... but right now, I can't be bothered about her reaction to my changing my appt.

:(

I feel like crap. Just want to cut, but haven't in like 3 weeks... that's "meh" for me, usually cut about once a month... but still want to. And have eaten too much this morning so want to purge. My mum - over the phone - keeps pushing me to eat & drink more, which is really frustrating as she didn't see all of the stuff I already ate. :( I feel like a pig, I really do...

Going out for coffee with a friend after my last class... ought to be fun. But I'm not really looking forward to it... just want to come home & play WoW, is that bad of me? I don't want to socialize anymore. I just want to play WoW or read or sleep. :crying: I hate my life. Make it stop... please... make it STOP!!

*stops and clings to April*

Just shitness. I had a super bad dream last night about someone that died, and I can hear the crying and screams still. >.<

*covers head with arms*

*gentle cuddle for everyone*

*holds Franz gently, stroking back* Nightmares suck, especially when they are very realistic. But it wasn't real, you're out of it, & you'll be okay. ♥

Damn uni work, don't wanna do it!!! :(

*closes eyes tight* Thankyou. I know it's just a dream, but I'm ****ing shaking still, and I can't stop hearing him begging.

Gonna put it in my rant/vent thread.

Putting it in your r/v thread is a good idea... & you're welcome, love. Wish I could do more to help than just cyber cuddles!! :(

Got some uni work done & also put a cd from my mum (Anonymous 4) on my iPod, so I'm happy about both of those things. My head aches though, probably because I'm still stuffed up - stupid cold - and I just want to sleep. :(

I think life really needs to be perfect for EVERYONE. :'(

<3333 *Gentle cuddles*

Why don't you have a nap? *head tilt*

I wish life was easier.

*cuddles everyone*

Things are looking up, hence the excitedness in my last post. But at same time, getting worse? :S